For the sake of my soul

[Tiger Lily]

I write not for the sake of glory,
Not for the sake of fame,
Not for the sake of success,
But for the sake of my soul.

[Rachel Joy Scott, 1981 - 1999]

So I've tried to keep journals before, and they've all ended up warped messes. I suppose that I was trying too hard to write what others would want of me if they ever read it, and not what I need to get off my chest. So here we go: with this, I'm going to (try) to keep a regular journal, writing how I feel, what's happened and so on. And more than anything, I need to be able to see the words on a page. I've tried writing for fame and glory. Now let's write for my soul.

Mood: Tired
Music: None
Talking to: Jason

So I got up today. Woke up to an impertinent beep, sounding from my mobile which was doused under unknown masses of bedsheets. Finally found it and switched it off, then managed to haul myself out of bed.
Padded through to the kitchen to check the time - 5:20. Then headed for a cold shower.

Got on here and looked through some threads and such. I noticed Cilla's journal and had a read through, then did what I've been meaning to do for a few weeks and made a new one of these. I really need a steady, serious journal. If not to suss out how I feel, then to record it. I think that, in five, ten years, I'll want to know how I felt in the past. Isn't the past how we learn of the future? That makes sense to me at least. Past mistakes educate us about what not to do in the future - only most of the time we ignore it, toss it aside because it is in the past.

So maybe I should give you a rough once-over on people who'll be appearing in this journal. They're all connected somehow, so pay attention. ><

First off, there's me, Lily. A few of you know my real name - not going to use it. I'm not fond of people with whom I've never conversed knowing it. Anyway, there's me. I am currently dating Ben (Taranic), who is a good friend of Callum who is dating Laura, my next door neighbour. Elissa, one of my close friends, dated Ben for a few months a couple of years back and is currently the closest friend of Merry (Twilight_wolf). Craven (Um, Crav3n) is friends with Ben, Callum and Laura, also with my good friend Jess. Froggie you should all know - she was also in the same circle as Elissa and I.

That should be it, I think. I could go on about how more of my acquaintances are interconnected with these people close to me (there are quite a few more), although I'd say that the phrase "It's a small world" would suffice. Haha.

Anyhow, I'm conceding the computer to my sister who is harassing me about getting some time online. So, I shall return later and edit this if there's anything new to be added.

EDIT:

Mood: Alright
Music: None
Talking to: Nathan, Cilla, Craven, Ann

Okay, so I got back on. I was reading over the book from which the opening quote came. It's called Rachel's Tears and is by Darrell Scott and Beth Nimmo. I've read it at least seven times, and the pages are prematurely brown from tear stains. Maybe I'm just over emotional, but it truly is worth reading. Basically, it's the biography of Rachel Joy Scott, one of the thirteen martyrs from the Columbine massacre. It cost me thirteen bucks AU, so if you have a bit of spare cash, you wouldn't be wasting it.
Anyway, I'm not out to start and advertising campaign. I'm off for now - again, will update if anything new happens.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Unsure
Music: Second Hand Faith - Emilie Autumn
Talking to: Cilla, Craven
Quote of the day: Let's become asexual! - Cilla

Okay, so I went back to school today. Got up and sat around for about an hour, got ready and hopped on the computer. Talked to Cilla for a while. Darkwolf came on and we had a random discussion about marshmallows or something. Talked to Craven for a bit - not sure what most of it was, probably a load of crap like usual. But it's amusing crap. Haha. Was just leaving when Ben came on. Haven't really talked to him for a while, and I wanted to chat for a bit. Stayed on for another 10 minutes, then I really had to go. We didn't get to talk at school. I don't know, it's like sometimes we're really close, and other times we're really distant. Honestly, I'm not sure what's going on at all. I'm sure there's a reason for it. There has to be - right?
I don't know. It just didn't sit right with me that it was Craven who asked me to go see Sweeney Todd with him and Ben. Or that Craven was the only one who said "hi" to me. He's a great friend - I appreciate all of that, you cur. =P But still, it's not the same sentiment.
Maybe I'm just insufferable. Providence save me - I annoy the crap out of myself, so how can I expect others to endure my idiocy? Maybe I should have resolved not to speak unless something intelligent is going to come out of my mouth.

Anyway, to speak of lighter things.
School was pitifully boring. Sat in the hall for a while, getting the good old "Welcome back. Hope you had a wooonderful holiday, now comply with our policies, lest we feel the need to confiscate your personal effects" lecture. That's one thing I won't miss about school. The crap that the prinny and her vices feel the urge to spout every other minute. All this rubbish about "students who try hard get recognition" and such. Um, they don't. do you see them holding a day to commend those who worked their guts out and get a D+? What a load of unadulterated crap.

I use the word crap far too much - this entry has helped me notice that. Yay. For the sake of my soul is coming through. Didn't have any real classes today. German was a total bludge. We're studying it at a year ahead of our actual level, which means that we can start studies for uni fairly soon. Cheaper, too. Which is always good.
IPT was alright. Craven yelled across the row "Li-ily! Do you like elevators?" Using my real name, obviously. It was quite amusing to see Jake and some others go "Wtf? I don't get it." Haha. It's a sort of inside joke.

Anyhow, I think that's about it, I'd say. Will write again tomorrow, I hope.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Quite okay
Music: Thank God I'm Pretty - Emilie Autumn
Talking to: Craven, Froggie, Fishie, Ann
Quote of the Day: Sean on Finland - "First name 'Fin' last name 'land', what were they founded on the back of a shark?"

I thought a bit more today while ignoring my form (that's like a home room) teacher rabbit on about the proper use of the universally ignored "Study Planner". Came to the conclusion that acting like a needy thirteen-year-old wasn't going to fix anything. As I've said previously, I'm sure (Haha.) - communication is needed. So instead of fretting and worrying and being a complete pessimist, I went and found him after the second "standards" lecture of the day. (Oh, how I hate the return to school. I shan't miss it, that's certain.) Talked for a bit - he had to wait for a couple of hours to get a bus home. Oh noes. So I left off, and suddenly the day was better. Yay!
What can I say - I'm easy to please.

Instantly, I felt like a moron, of course. Considered editing the last entry so I didn't look so pathetic. But then I remembered that the whole reason I started this thing was to keep track of how I've felt - so I guess I'll leave it. Providence help me. Haha.

Oh, one thing that does not please me in the slightest - due to the school's bloody jewelry regulations, I can't wear the maple leaf necklace I got from Ben. (Aforementioned "he". ><) Not the necklace, per se, but the chain. We're not meant to wear anything that shows above the collar line, which is very uncool. Considering I only take it off to shower, the prospect of having to ditch it for school was very pissed-off-making. So I ended up rummaging thru my box of jewelry and managed to find a crystal thistle pendant on a long silver chain that was sent to me by my oh-so-patriotic grandparents. Yoinked the chain off it to use with the maple leaf charm. And the chain's heinous. It's too thin and sort of tarnished. At least that taught me not to wear silver in the shower. "Oh, it's okay, honey. It doesn't rust." Yeah. But it turns green, which, you know, is such a compensation. Not. Thanks for the advice, mother dearest. ><

The assembly thing was funny, though. I didn't pay much attention - just sat making fun of the prinny with Liss. She's such a moron. The prinny - not Liss. Haha. And Craven was mouthing "Elevator" at me again. Got Jess to pass the message on at one stage because I had no idea what he was saying. Looked almost as confused as that Jake guy in IPT. ><

I've also decided not to go ueber-fangirl over Laguna any more. I think I pissed a few people off with the constant "Laguna!! <333" thing, so I'm gonna cool it. I mean, Laguna's cool. But he's also a load of pixels. Haha. I am gonna keep my sig set. It's nice, and I can't be bothered with making a new one so soon. And I think I'm going to give up spamming the elim. as well. Laguna-craze is in its twilight hours. Still, he's a cool character.

God, that's sad. I talked about Laguna in my journal. Lmao. Hoping to get on again tonight to talk to Cilla. We have a lot in common and get along really well. She's great to talk to as a bonus. Haha. Wuvs joo, Cillah! =P

Anyhow, my sisters are home, so I must depart. I shall return tomorrow.

Til then,
Lily

EDIT:: I really, really hate Jedi Academy. =P

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Surprisingly okay.
Music: When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne
Talking to: Ann, Nathan, Fishie, Froggie, Craven, Bean, Ben
Quote of the Day: "I don't like to talk about... ELEVATORS!!" - About Yourself Sheet-Thing / Lily

And so ends another era.

"I understand". For someone as verbose as me, I should have been able to say more. I don't know what - something, anything. We're still friends. Thank God for small mercies. For once, that isn't blasphemy. For once...
Best friends.. I can work with that. Beggers can't be choosers, but for a begger that's a damn good deal. And whatever's best for him is what I want. And I can wait however long I need to. "I'll be waiting". I actually said that - I'd've put 'waiting' in the inverted commas like it is in the VIII opening, but that wouldn't have looked sincere, which I truly was. I must be mad to quote at such a time - although I was dearly tempted to quote Anne and say "I just want you". Which would also have been true. But Anne of Green Gables is too gay (happy, you mingers. I am old fashioned. Get over it.) and light to associate with such affairs, and I knew I could never look at that passage quite the same if I did so. Why am I not in tears? I think it's because I almost saw it coming. Cliche, yes. True, yes. I think I'm collected now - I'm going back and forth in this entry. You can probably tell what I wrote eariler.

My thoughts aren't collected at all. (<< wrote that earlier. ...No joke.) I'm trying to condense them into words, but it's not happening. Wow. It seems that I've come a long way in these last few days. I was so pathetic two days ago, and now I can take in my stride. I'm okay. I'm not even lying.

Man. I need to talk to Cilla. Haven't talked to her in a while, need to catch up on what's happened. She went back to school today, oh noes! Poor Cillah. Hope she has a better time with it than me. I've been taking afternoon naps to catch up on sleep. Not intentionally, though. I just fall asleep whereever I happen to be. Bed, couch, wherever. Haha. Craven's been good to talk to as well. Even if the whole 'elevator' thing was a pain in the proverbial. We're definitely better friends than we were. Yays.

So. I managed to write something halfway intelligent after all. I'm proud of myself.

Although the age is at an end, so turns the Wheel of Time that it may well roll around again. And I'm sure that it will.

My literary competence has about come to an end. Will write again tomorrow.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: In limbo
Music: Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
Talking to: Cilla, Nathan, Ann, Fishie, Bean, Ben
Quote of the Day: "Marriddge" - Merry.

So. Day one.
It could have been a lot worse. Got to school about an hour early, because frankly, I'm too lazy to walk to school and therefore got a lift with my dad. Yay. So I sat there finishing up my Math homework that I'd attempted to do at ten or eleven something last night. I'm not sure which. I lost track of time, and in any case I was in no fit state to do anything, nevermind math. So I threw the math books down and lay there thinking, letting it set in and finally fell asleep, which, honestly, was a welcome relief.

But back to school. Math first - boring as hell. Had Biology second, which was pretty much a tutorial lesson. Just got told course plans and such. IPT third - I love that subject. Well, the subject, like math, is boring as hell, but the company is good. I've got Merry, Craven and Ben in the class. Can get very annoying, but generally it's fun.
Though Merry does get rather pissed at the constant stream of "puppy", which I guess is kind of funny. But maybe we should lay off a little. Pissing her off isn't good.

Though it was hard at the same time. It still hasn't set in fully. A couple of times he was deleting our stuff (way uncool. xD), and my hand sort of twitched - I had to clench my fist to stop myself swatting his hand away. I guess I just need to... adjust. Still, I'm not happy about it, but like I said. Beggers can't be choosers. Bah.

Weekend, thank goodness. I need a break from school, although I'm enjoying it and settling in better than I thought I would. Generally, that is.

I really can't be bothered writing anything more, so I'll leave it here.
Won't be in tomorrow - spending the night at Merry's so I may or may not get something up here before I leave.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Pensive
Music: Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds to Mars
Talking to: Xeimy
Quote of the Day: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." - Anonymous

Today's been a nothing-day as far as activity goes. I've basically lain around and done nothing. Haven't even bothered to read, which is just sad. Did nothing yesterday after getting home from school, either. Talked to Liss on the phone for a bit, listened to her problems and quips with her boyfriend Matt. Seems to be all I'm good for, listening to others. Haha. I've always been a good listener, and I enjoy learning about people, so I suppose that's alright. But I do wonder if maybe I'm giving too much and not demanding enough attention for myself at times. Oh well. Now I've got a journal to whine to. That accounted for a lot of my problems in the past - there'd be so much I'd want to talk about and spent too much time being the shoulder to cry on, rather than needing one. I guess one of us needed to be the strong one. Heh.

So for the next week or so, you'll probably get a lot of introspective and a bit of self-pity, then I'll slowly redefine normal and slip into it. Were I Japanese, I'd say I have a lot of water in me.
I'm still not sure how to act around him. I want to act like I did before. But I can't. And that's hard.
I can't really explain the circumstances of our break up to my friends completely. I can't find the right words, and typically, they've gone and gotten the wrong idea. I think they blame him - the last thing I want, also typically. I don't blame him at all - I wish I could, it would make it so much easier. But I don't. I can't. I won't. There's no reason to. The blame lies with neither of us. I can accept that.
I understand... I wish I didn't. I wish I could have exploded into hysteria and never looked back. But again, I couldn't.

It's odd. Whenever I'd see shows, movies, read books and see people let go for the good of the other I never thought I'd be able to do it. I always thought I'd act selfishly if put in that position, but maybe I'm more mature than I gave myself credit for. Or maybe it's just that with things like that, you can't predict your actions until you're put in that situation. Either way, I surprised myself. Still, when I look back, I'm glad I acted the way I did. Acting like an ass would just have made things worse, harder, more painful.

I'm not going to pretend it's easy, though. When I'm with friends I'm fine - when I'm alone all I can do is try not to cry. Sometimes I can fight it, sometimes I can't. I thought at first that I'd be able to get through it without breaking. Probably because of my initial reaction, which was horribly cool. Not cool, exactly. That's not the right word. I just felt - hollow, empty. I still feel like that to a degree. But I'll recover. I won't let go, but I won't let life go on without me either. I've seen it happen. It's not pretty.

Getting it out there was good. I'd have liked to say everything, but some of it's just not the sort of thing I want everyone to know. My friends I could tell, if they'd get it. But online for anyone to see? No. It's not embarrassing, it's not horrible or dark. It's just personal, you know? Sacred to my memory. Even if it's not great or uplifting, the memories are still mine.

Hm. I meant to tell Cilla exactly what happened. She's the sort who'd get it. If Craven was a girl I'd tell him too. But you know. I need girly empathy on this. Heh. Sorry Craven. Nothing against you. ^^'

So now I'm gonna go shove some stuff in a bag to take to Merry's place. Will write again later.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Alright
Music: Making a Memory - Plain White T's
Talking to: Froggie, Fishie, Bean
Quote of the Day: "Carpe diem" - Horace

I didn't really do anything much yesterday after I left. We sat around, talking about nothing in particular, then ended up going down to swim in her pool. Salt water pool rather than chlorine, which meant that I didn't get all itchy afterwards. Huzzah. We mooched around in the water for a while. Tried to dive through one of those pool tubes for a laugh. It sort of worked, and it was sort of funny to watch.
What put a bit of a damper on it was that I realised that it was the second of the month. Would have marked our second month. We've dated before - and broken up before, though that was due to immaturity on my part, and the circumstances weren't like they are now. It wasn't as painful then, not as hard. Three years we've known eachother. If I hadn't been so childish, we could have had ages.
I felt bad not being there. Physically, yes. Mentally, no. They were tickling me at one point, and I fell off the bed - I remembered the last time I fell off of something - I was being tickled by someone else... We dragged up the whole "My necklace is more wearable"/"My hair is more edible" debate from last year (God, we're so immature sometimes), and I remembered someone who thought that my hair was quite edible. Why does everything end up leading me to the same train of thought?
Argh. I need to stop letting everything come back to him. But I don't want to let go. Where's the line between them?
On to something different, then.

This week at school shouldn't be too bad - miss out on Wednesday completely, due the the swimming carnival which nobody who can get out of it shows up to. What a stupid concept - paint yourself up in a whole load of crap, then wash it off in someone else's pool water. Woot, not. That also means that I can lie around and sleep. I still need to catch up on it - as if school didn't throw my sleeping patterns out enough, I stayed awake for hours thinking. Great move. And then I stayed up listening to Liss pour her guts out - without a tea or anything. I need caffeine. Seriously.

And the Germans are here - well, they will be in an hour or so. Exchange program with the school and such. I'm not getting one - because that would mean I'd have to go to Germany. Not that I'm scared of going overseas for a period of time - in fact, I intend to after school. I'm just not too fond of the people who are going. Frankly, most of them are the shallow type who are looking forward to turning sixteen simply because of legal sex. Nothing against having sex or anything, but these girls are looking forward to doing it just for the hell of it. I'm sorry. To me, that's just pathetic. So you can probably understand why I wouldn't want to spend three or so weeks in such company. And I'm not saying that that goes for all the girls - but enough to deter me, you know?

Anyway, this week should be interesting to say the least. I'm going to leave it here today - haven't written anything of much consequence, but hey. I wrote something. Off to change the fish's water before he pops his clogs. Be back tomorrow, my dears.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Neutral
Music: Clumsy - Fergie
Talking to: Froggie, Fishie, Bean, Ann, Cilla, Nathan
Quote of the Day: "Ma-tra-mony... Matramony?" - Merry

Didn't get on yesterday. Bummer.

So yesterday was okay. Better than last week, I suppose. Although I now have three heavy textbooks to walk home with on Mondays. Our school needs lockers badly. They have a few of them - about thirty or so - to go around the three hundred students in the grade. OF course, this means that you have to pay for the use of one, and that costs money. So I'm doomed to walking home with my books. Oh noes.

I'm looking forward to the weekend - I believe there's a group of us going to see Sweeney Todd. Although most everyone's seen it before, it should be quite good. That's the sad thing about having younger siblings as opposed to older ones and a mother who never learned how to drive. If my dad doesn't want to take me, I'm stuck at home, pretty much. Ah well, soon, my license, soon. I can't want to get my license. Freedom would be so good. Such a welcome relief to my somewhat musty social life. During the summer break it was great as most of my friends are within walking distance or live next door (and can therefore take me wherever I need to go, provided, of course, that she's going herself. ><). But since school went back I haven't done anything with a group that Laura's involved with except walk home with her and Callum. And since Ben and I broke up, I can't see such an event coming up any time soon since Laura and I aren't particularly close. Major bummer on the socialising, eh?

So school's been alright. A bit of a bitch in places, but isn't that just how school is? I'm not worried about any of my subjects, except perhaps math. Gah. I can get Merry to tell me what to do. We made a pact at the start of the year: I'll help her with English if she helps me with math. Sort of nice how we're A students at each other's worst subjects. Yay.

Ah, what else. Not much to talk about, really. I think I'll leave it here - sorry about the monotony. Isn't much to say today. How sad. Tomorrow I shall talk more - promise. Haha.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Kind of sad
Music: Someday, Someday - Thirsty Merc
Talking to: Froggie, Cilla, Craven, Ben, Merry
Quote of the Day: "Bloody Valentine's day. If it was Vincent, that'd be great. But no. It's a couple of dead people we're meant to be looking up to." - Lily

My fighting fish Hercules died today.
I've had him for a bit over two years. My mother insists it's because I didn't change his water enough, but it isn't. He hasn't been right for months, he hasn't been eating for weeks. His colour wasn't as vivid as it was, no matter how often his water was changed or what I fed him. So nah. Not neglect.
Ben thinks it might be because of the water overheating. That seems fairly likely if it was in conjunction with old age. Poor Herc. Next time I won't put the bowl next to a window and I'll put some ice in it. Maybe I could freeze a whole lot with dechlorinated water in it. Damn, I'll miss my fish. Yeah, I know. He only cost $12, but I've had him for years. You grow attached to things that you look after for that long. Sad..

School was okay. Nothing much happened. English was a bludge. Sat there and took notes, no homework or anything. German was easier still. Then I sat through an hour of assembly and walked home, taking care to break the school's "Don't go to Coles on the way home" rule.

Merry came round after school, which was a lot better than bumming around doing nothing. We talked about many things, most of them utter crap. But Merry's cool. She's one of those people you can have a good time with and also talk about serious thing with, too. Some of my other friends just don't have any depth to them. It's kind of sad, knowing that I'm not on the same plane of intellect as them and yet I digress. I know that sounds horrible, but sometimes I wish I'd done better for myself. I love my friends, but you know. Some of them are just a little bit ditzy. Yes, I am fully aware of the hypocrisy of that statement. But the difference is that I am intelligent and dumb myself down and they.. don't have that luxury. That does sound harsh. Ugh.
That said, the majority of my friends are intelligent - and that said, there are only a few I can really talk to. Those people I can tell most things to. There's one I can tell everything to. Yay. If by any chance they happen to read this, they'll know who they are. Hehe. ><

Hm. Sweeney Todd looks like it's on - woot! Finally, something large and social. Huzzah. I am soo going to eat a pie beforehand. No cannibalism is going to put me off a good meat pie - no, sir. Pie is awesome. Yeah. Chicken, however, is not awesome. How anyone can stomach KFC I don't know. It's horrible. The meat isn't even meat. It's bone and skin and meat all ground up into a nugget. As if you'd eat that. The chips, however, are quite tasty. Yes, the chips I could happily eat. So nah.

And I think Merry's getting the same phone as me. I guess the awesomeness is too much for her. Haha. That means she'll've gotten my phone and my mp3 player. Guess I'm too cool for her. Lulz.

Anyway, gonna leave it here. Tomorrow there will be more, my dears.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Okay
Music: Hurt - Christian Aguilera
Talking to: Nathan, Ann, Fishie, Bean, Craven, Froggie, Ben
Quote of the Day: "P-U-P-P-Y bing bang walla-walla bing!" - Ben and Craven

Merry's lucky day: Craven wasn't at school. So I actually got a little bit of work done in IPT. Not much, but still. Cilla texted me in math - yay! But not yay was the fact that the lesson quickly returned to its previous monotony due to that fact that I have no credit. Craven and Ben are to be thanked for that. Haha. I'm sorry, Cilla. Blame them! But yeah..
At the moment we're trying to figure out what's happening with Sweeney Todd. We've got about 8 people going, three of which we have to meet somewhere in the city at an unknown time. Oh noes. So Cilla, get your bum online so we can talk to you about it. =P

Now I feel like a bitch. Was talking to Froggie and Craven about Saturday and Froggie left suddenly. Damn..

I've been thinking lately that maybe I rely too much on writing for self-expression. Can one learn to express one's thoughts in speech, I wonder? Whenever I try to talk about myself, I trip over my words and sound like a moron. I get tongue-tied easily. I'm shy, even with my friends when it comes down to my emotions and such. Liss made the point last year that she didn't know me at all. That just seems to have been reiterated again in these last few weeks. I'm glad I have my journal. It's the only place I can talk about myself and not sound like a fool. But maybe I should talk about it in real life. After all, a webjournal doesn't do much good for most real life friends. Agh.

MSN is being a bitch. Cilla still isn't on. I have no idea what's happening. So I guess I'll leave it here since there's not much more to say. Later, all.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Quite good
Music: SAKURA - Ikimono Gakari
Talking to: Froggie, Cilla, Craven, Ben, Amy, Merry
Quote of the Day: "Collige virgo rosas"

School was otay. Had photos, which were a pain in the proverbial. Got up and my hair was nice and tame - but then I brushed it and it was very un-tame. Ten minutes before I had to leave, my head was mostly filled with: "Oh crap. Where the hell's my straightener?" I'd've had more time if I hadn't had to iron my school shirt. Forgot to do it last night and in my rush I picked out the one with blue stains down the front. Dag nabbit. I think I must've looked like a moron, since that's how all my photos turn out. I'm very jealous of Froggie. Photogenic and stuff.
Though I was very pissed off at the faculty again. They made me take off my maple leaf necklace. Not happy, Jan. It's small and silver which wouldn't even show up in the photo, so I don't see the problem. And if they think I'm gonna leave it off for longer than that, they've got another think coming. That necklace is one of my most prized possessions. So screw them, lol.

Got home and nearly fell asleep a few times while listening to my mp3 player. Then I got online and spent ages trying to find a weekend timetable for Ipswich trains. Bloody nightmare, but I finally managed to sort something out. Woot. So we're meeting Cilla tomorrow, yay! =D

How did I feel today? For most of it I felt normal, happy and stuff. I got to IPT and ended up zoning out a few times. I'm not even sure of how long or how often I did it. But I just kept thinking - about anything that came to mind. Most of it was centric to the male on my left. Memories... Sometimes it's like they're distant, others it's like they're right in the front of my mind and all I can do is lose track of reality and relive them. Maybe I should be depressed that I didn't have more time, but all I feel is really thankful for what I had, you know? Maybe it's because there's still a hope on the horizon that one day, the age will come again. Did you ever notice how intoxicating a scent can be? It's incredible that just the way someone smells can make you so happy. It's amazing, that, isn't it?

Anyhow, I need to get some sleep if I'm gonna be up at nine tomorrow. Will write sometime in the near future.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Great
Music: Misery Loves Company - Emilie Autumn
Talking to: Cilla
Quote of the Day: "MOVE!" - Scary lady on Platform 2

Yesterday was freaking awesome. Got up early and managed to get ready before Froggie came round at a bit before nine AM. Hung around at my place for a bit, then went down to Coles to get credit. Froggie bought some fake hair, and for the rest of the day we claimed that it was from her ex-girlfriend Victoria who cheated on her. I think some people believed us. Haha.
So, mooched around there for a while, then got to the station. Wasn't anyone there, but that was okay - it was morning and all. But then we saw these two workers on the tracks. Exchanged glances.
"Hey, you do know that there are no trains today, don't you?"
We looked at each other. Silently: "WTF?"
"Um, really?"
"Yeah, there's maintenance from here to Bowen Hills."
Silently: "****."
Looked at each other.
Aloud: "****."

Luckily, there were rail buses that (were supposed to have) followed the train timetable, so we called Merry, Ben and Craven and told them to get their asses to the station as quickly as possible. Merry came, but Ben's brother took him and Craven to Grovely. Oopsh. So Froggie, Merry and I got on the (unbeknown) City express bus. Good thing we thought to check the stops.
"Hey, does this bus go to Grovely?"
"No, that's the other bus."
Oh noes.

So we switched buses and stuff. Got to about 11:30 and we realised: We were no-where near Central and Cilla was arriving in about six minutes. Oh dear.
But we got there eventually and met Cilla there with relative ease.. She went walking for a bit, but not too far so she found up pretty quickly. Yay. Only Froggie needed to pee, and then Craven wanted to get chips so we nearly missed the movie. Got there just as the opening credits were running. Phew. Took ages to find seat, though. It's completely dark in those cinemas. No aisle lights or anything.. Stingy much?

Movie was great. Gory and wonderful. Reeked of Tim Burton and I loved it. Great acting, wonderful scores. Go and see it, dears. Not a waste of money. Ven-GANCE! =P

Walked around for a while, had a lot of fun. Cilla pwns the boys in arm wrestling. Remember that if you ever want to challenge her. Haha. And I have lots of photos! Only got about half of them up so far, but I'll put them in the PYP thread, dears. There's not a bad picture of Cilla... Well, except for the one that Froggie drew a French moustache on. But that's okay. We know it's just MSPaint, and there needed to be one not-so-great Cilla-pic. Haha.
I did find it quite funny that whenever I pointed the camera at Craven, the screen went a little dodgy. Sometimes it turned an awkward pink and the image went all thermo-blur, and other times the screen just went black. However, whenever I pointed it at Cilla, the screen went normal again... *coughOmencough*

We are going to do that again. I care not for opinions; we are. xD Though I did get stuck next to a creepy guy on the bus back. We spread out around the bus, not realising that we were early. So we got separated in amongst all the people. Felt a little lonely again, dwelling on my thoughts. Happens a bit when I have no-one to talk to. Then I got sick of it and texted Cilla. She relieved my boredom. Was glad of Merry, though. We texted a bit, even though she was only 2 seats away. Noticed that I was looking down. Thanks, dear. ^^


Stayed over at Froggie's after. Was a lot of fun, too. Watched "Interview With the Vampire". Great movie. ^^ And, and, and! We maded pancakes. And they were edible and looked great, too. Like, normal pancakes. Haha. I'm sooo proud. ><

The one downside is that I am now tired. Although we did get our Biology homework (which was to build a 3-D model of a plant cell - we used lollies..) done. So I did something useful for a change. Ohemgee.

But yeah, I've written enough today. More tomorrow, my cherubim. =P

Til then,
Lily

EDIT:: Oh, I'll post this in the PYP thread, but since it's relevant I'll put it here too - our videos got mashed into one comprehensive chronological document of the day. And here is the link, darlings. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8tQDleXEeE

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Thoughtful
Music: Untouched - The Veronicas
Talking to: Liss, Sam, Cilla, Ben
Quote of the Day: "George, I'm bored." - Merry

I'm bored, too. I haven't done anything this afternoon. I went to my room, got into bed and sat there thinking and texting Merry. She's been great these last two days. She gets it, and other don't. Liss is optimistic as usual, but I don't know. She seem a little too much so to be sincere. Ah well. Whatever.

It's odd. When we're on MSN, we talk like we used to. I can still tell him stuff. I can still keep a confidence. And I can almost forget what's changed. But when we see each other in person, it becomes awkward - to me at least. And maybe I don't show it, but it's there. I don't know how to act - how much contact is acceptable? Can I acknowledge what we had - what we have? Can I still bring up little inside jokes? Like I said to Liss earlier, it's almost as if there's a barrier there, only I never know how far I am from it. Does that make sense? It's like I don't know where to draw the line. Because things aren't like they were, no matter how much I wish they could be.

And, you know, now that I've had time to reflect, I can't feel anything but thankful. Not that we broke up, but why we did. He did the right thing by himself and me, and even if he doesn't think he's mature enough to handle it, that very act shows that he is mature to some degree. And all I can really say is 'thank you'. And I'll wait. I'll wait for him to come back.
Although that does have its flip side, as everything in this world does. It means that I don't have that emptiness that was there before. Like now all I've got is hope for the future, a blind faith. And I'll cling to it. I just wish I had something more substantial. Or even something less so that I could be truly miserable like I sometimes want to be. But, you know, the misery won't come. Isn't that horrible? I can't even cry anymore. There's just... Nothing. And I thought I was coping. Ugh.

I guess I'll just take it one day at a time, and try to work out how I feel. That's the key, I suppose. To work out my emotions and get a hold of them. Can't think with your heart all the time, or you just lose all sense of reason. Blegh.

Anyway, I'll leave it here as I can't think of anything more to say that's halfway intelligent. Later all.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Okay.
Music: Don't Dream It's Over - Sixpence None the Richer
Talking to: Froggie, Nathan and NICK!
Quote of the Day: "Na na na na na na na na na na na na!" - Lily and Merry

Today was okay. Had Biology first, which sort of sucked. We're doing something with potato cores - osmosis and diffusion and such. I think I could enjoy the subject if the teacher wasn't such a bitch. Ugh. Chemistry is much more my thing. It's just so fascinating to learn about the things that make up all existence, don't you think?

I didn't mope so much today. Got home and went to my room again, but I didn't end up lost in thought like yesterday. More on top of how I felt. Though as I was adjusting my beanbag so it was more comfy, I unearthed the printout I have of our MSN conversation. I read through it again and was finally able to cry. Screw being the strong one. I feel better now.

IPT was a little better than usual. Although that might have been due to the fact that I was moved from my normal spot between Merry and Ben to a seat further along the row. I was then next to Kane, who told me what to do, even though I could do it just as well as he could. Bleh. My eye got very itchy, which is an old inside joke between Ben and I.
"Damn you, my eye's really itchy!"
Unanimous grin.

Guess that's still the same between us. Sometimes, I don't know why I get so confused about how I feel, and other times I just feel lost.

I think I've matured over these last few weeks. Anne of Green Gables would term it a "bend in the road". You never know what's around the corner, and sometimes it's for the better, sometimes it's for the worse. This time, I'm not sure which. Probably a balance of the two of them. Flip side to every coin, eh? Guess I'll just embrace the maturity and insight that I've gained, and I'll deal with the rest.

Anyway, I'm juggling an MSN group chat and a phone call while doing this up, so I'll be back tomorrow. If anything interesting happens, I'll edit. ^^ Later all.

Til then,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Quite amused.
Music: Into the Night - Santana
Talking to: Cilla, Craven, Ben?
Quote of the Day: "Would you like to volunteer yourself or a family member [for a human pie trial at Brumby's]?" - Lily and Merry

School was okay. Got there at about twenty to eight and scribbled our my English homework: Write a three hundred word comparison and analysis on two advertisements that use the gender discourse. Nearly had it finished when Merry arrived, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to leave it until we went to Coles and back. Had to pick up lollies for when we were going round to her place after school. So we went down (carefully breaking the "No leaving the school grounds after you've entered them in the morning" rule), picked up a couple of packs of lollies (Natural Confectionary jellybeans and Coles brand jersey caramels.. <33) and got back. Threw together a lame conclusion to the report thing and sat around talking.

The English teacher seemed to like my analysis, considering that she read it out to the class. Meepsh. Although I guess it's a good thing that I've gotten into her good books for a ten-minute slap job. So our formal analysis should be a breeeeze. Which is always good. I sort of surprised myself when she was reading it out though. It sounded so formal and beyond what I estimated of myself. Perhaps I do have self-esteem issues after all.. Haha.

Merry's was fun. Mooched around for ages, looked up crap on YouTube and mooched some more. Talked about Liss's ex-boyfriend, Matt. Yeah, she broke up with him yesterday. Hate the word as I do, "dumped" is probably a more appropriate term, considering she wrote him a note explaining her reasons. Sad, really. Not that they broke up - I never really thought they looked right as a couple in the first place, and Liss had been uncomfortable with their relationship for a while. But how they did was a little sad. Liss has been in a few relationships over the last few years, but she never really seems to get what most people seek in a relationship from them. They "go out" for a few weeks or months, but they never really go anywhere. They don't really talk in school. They don't really do anything. It's like emailing George Bush a spam-oriented forward and saying he's your best friend. It just doesn't work.
Horrible as it is to say it, she just seems so immature. I feel bad saying that about one of my best friends, but it's true. And I do wonder if maybe we've grown apart over the years. She's a lovely person, but I don't know.. Blegh.

Though on the other hand, last year I was envious of Callum and Laura's relationship, but now when I look at them I realise that I wouldn't want to be like that for anything in the world.
I think I realised that when they got out of the same car at school today. I just can't help thinking that for a highschool relationship, they're a little too serious. I know we'd like to think that we're emotionally and mentally mature, but in reality we're nowhere close. To be practically living at each other's houses is just... sad. Not that they're committed to each other or whatever. I'm sure they are. What I'm not sure of is how well that commitment will translate as they mature more. It seems to me that they've just cut themselves off from everyone else they had. Sam was Laura's best friend for years - these holidays, they didn't see each other once to my knowledge. Not once. And these are two people who did everything together. That's just pathetic. How can you sacrifice your friends for one person, no matter how dear they are to you? Ugh. All I can say is God forbid that they break up, for I don't know what they'll do.
And to clarify, we're not thirteen or fourteen years old. We're in the better half of our teens. But even so, we are not fully mature. And I commend and admire those who have the freaking brains to recognize and admit. Good bloody on you. Thanks be to the Almighty that we have some people with a brain cell or two in our society.

I shan't bore you with more ranting [tonight], so I'll be off to watch House.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Bored stupid.
Music: Silent Night - Damien Rice
Talking to: Froggie, Craven, Nathan, Merry (via text)
Quote of the Day: "I'm gonna own this bitch!" - Merry

Happy Valentine's Day. Because, you know, let's all go and buy over-commercialized roses that cost at least $7 a pop and wear cardboard hearts on our school shirts. Ugh. Stupid holiday, in my opinion. As far as people being happy goes - that's great. But being happy because some guy defied his emperor and was so killed just doesn't seem like a great reason to me. Blah. Maybe I wouldn't be so cynical if I wasn't being a sour bitch. But hey, we'll never know. ^^

Anyhow, today was alright. Thank God for a practically all-male IPT lesson first up. I don't think I could have stomached a whole load of "popular" skanks going around handing out plastic roses. I mean, come on. What a waste of money. At least going for an OP means that I don't have many classes with such girls, so minimizing the probability of my breakfast being projectile-vomited [out my nose.. XD] onto my unfortunate neighbour. Haha. But yeah.
How did I celebrate the day? I stole Merry's chair and got Froggie to colour bits of my hair pink. What a great cover. And.. My mum didn't go spaz when she saw it. She's considering letting me get permanent pink streaks - wootz! My ambition, of course, is to one day have a fully pink head of hair. Aweshome.
So IPT was pretty okay. Not as good as usual, considering that we actually got some work done. Ben and Craven didn't tease us too much. Odd how I miss that. Not the fact that they tease us - that I truly despise, but I suppose it's the attention I miss. Now I sound like a prat, but it's true. Ugh.

Really, I am tired of being a running joke with everyone. Why aren't I assertive enough to tell them where they can stick their "elevator"? Why do I allow myself to be degraded to a mere amusement? God, I am pathetic. But how do I tell them to shut the hell up and actually sound like I mean it? Every time I get pissed off at them, it's just further amusement. Perhaps what I need to do is really lose it and refuse to speak to them. Perhaps I'm just too considerate of others' feelings. My mother narks at me for being selfish, and perhaps I am sometimes, but honestly. If I can allow myself to be picked to pieces for the sake of a laugh, then perhaps I really am too selfless. Bleargh, I don't know, really.

To tell the truth, I'm not feeling too intelligent at the moment. I'm not feeling much at all. Emotionless, I guess? Maybe just bored. Hm. I didn't feel so odd around him today. Maybe I'm finally returning to normal again, which can only be a good thing. It's two weeks today since we broke up. Valentine's Day, how funny. I still miss intimacy, but I'm dealing with it now. Have been for a few days. Since I was able to cry again I've been okay. I can't promise that I will be tomorrow or the day after or the day after that, but all that matters is the present, right?

Teenage relationships.. Yes, some of them do last forever. Sometimes you just meet the right person. But to spend all your time with them to the exclusion of your other friends? That isn't healthy for any relationship. Teenage, adult or whatnot. And Callum just concedes to whatever Laura wants for the most part. And eventually, I can see one of them resenting the other for it. I'm not going to criticize anymore, I honestly can't be bothered recalling what I said to whoever it was I said it to before. Bleh.

Merry's awesome - she really is. And since you're probably reading this, thank you for everything over these last few days. Thanks for being there to talk to, for understanding and for just being alive. You're truly one of the best friends I've ever had. So thank you for that. I'm very glad of having someone to muck around with who can also hold a serious conversation. You're truly amazing, you know that?

Oh, my mother now knows that Ben and I are no longer conventionally together. In my mind, I am not single, nor am I dating - just thought that was worth putting in so that my terms could be understandable. ><
How did I work out how to tell her? I didn't. Valentine did. You old dead cur, I love you. I thought she'd pass irrational judgment on him as we were only dating for a couple of months, but I managed to explain to her satisfaction without going into too much detail. Thank goodness. I'd... rather not have had to share the intricacies of it to her, truth be told. So I'm glad, for once, of the existence of Mr. Valentine.

Talking to Merry via free text is wonderful. During the mundaneness of math, there is now a light - unlimited Virgin to Virgin free text! It also means that we can bitch about the people we're sitting with at lunch without them knowing.. But I didn't tell you that, 'kay? Haha. So, all Aussies. Get on Virgin Mobile and I can text you 24/7. Oh, we so abuse their policy. How wonderful it is. Although it shan't be wonderful if we breach the fair use policy.. That could call for a few "Oh noes!"es and another $50 recharge. Haha.

Anyway, I seem to have written something intelligible so I'll quit while I'm ahead, loves.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: M'kay.
Music: If It Wasn't for the Nights - ABBA
Talking to: Froggie, Merry (via text), Ann, Brooke o_0
Quote of the Day: "[I hate <insert word here>]... And Starkey!" - Lily

La, la, la.

Got bored last night, so I made a new av/sig set. It looked pretty good until I put it into MS Paint like Froggie suggested for the border. Paint made my text all blurry and bad-quality like. Kill. Anyhow, I shall eventually work out how to put a border on something in Photoshop and then all will be good and my sig will be pretty again, huzzah. How I looks forward to that day. Lulz. And can you believe that it is not, in fact, Laguna? Yes, Lily is over him. He is her favourite character, but not her pixelated web-husband or whatever. So stick it in a pipe and smoke it, James. =P

Uh, what else? Oh, yeah. Biology sucks. The teacher is a major bitch. I did most of my homework, subtly laid a bit of paper over what I hadn't done and left it there.
"So you didn't have trouble with anything?"
"Nuh."
*Starkey lifts bit of paper*
[Indignatnly] "Uh! You've only done half. What's your last name?"
*Lily gets a homework mark against her name and is 1/3 way to a Friday detention*
Thanks, bitch. Thanks a whole lot. Haha.

Math was boring. German was boring. IPT was okay. Not as good as usual, but still okay. The threat of gum-in-hair was a little of a damper on the lesson I must admit. Bloody hell.
Though something Ben said made me think. On Merry's recommendation (Read: recommended payback for the poking, teasing and threats of gum), I rebooted Ben's computer. Reset button and stuff. Came up with a "reboot to finish install" message. Hit Enter.
Then he said that he was more mature than me; I was the one who claimed mental maturity. And I don't know. Maybe he was joking, maybe not. But it made me think. What's the good of being mature mentally if you don't express it? Honestly, when I'm on my own and thinking I feel so much older than I do when I'm talking to most of my friends. When I type that comes out a lot more. When I speak - it's as if all of it goes out the window and it's like I got stuck at thirteen years old. Maybe that's why I don't verbalise my feelings.
"When in Rome, do as the Romans do."
"When in company of idiots, do as idiots do."

I should really re-think how I go about such things. I think I've just conformed on the surface for so long that it's a natural reaction to whatever situation I'm in.
And that relates back to the "Maybe I should have done better for myself in friends" dilemma again. Around some people I can really be me, around most I'm just an idiot. Perhaps I need to conform to maturity? Then I need mature company. But then, maybe I just need to get over myself and do it anyway. Who cares if I'm labeled as "boring" or "serious"? At least I'll be myself. And being your boring self is better being an interesting (immature..) someone else.. Right?
I'd hoped that maybe being away from the idiocy over the holidays would have allowed me to set new standards. But then, old habits die hard, I suppose.
Conformity's a bitch. Guess I need to re-write habit, because honestly, I'm better than this. Better than I was, yes. But not as good as I could (should) be.

Enough of my internal dilemma. I shall have to nut it out for myself, I suppose. Can't load everything onto TFF's poor database. ^^

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: ... Happy, actually.
Music: A Little Priest - Sweeney Todd
Talking to: Froggie, Nathan, Ann, Craven, Cilla
Quote of the Day: "Oh noes!" - Many people

I'm sorry I neglected you, my sweets. Only over the weekend nothing happened at all and I couldn't think of anything to write. All I did was mooch around, text Merry and read, pretty much. Reading an awesome Oldskool romance at the moment. Happy-making. I do love a good romance, though Anne of the Island will always be my favourite book. My favourite song is "The Rose" by Bette Midler, which is also romance-y. Haha. I do suppose that I am a sap. Ah well. Can't be helped, I suppose. Coming from one who can cry in Star Wars, what else is to be expected?
Oh dear. I went into "Anne" mode. xD

I had Biology today. Oh noes. Starkey was actually kind of civil for once. That said, she is still my nemesis. She is the demon of my existance and all that. Heh.

Haha, Froggie just made a 'munk of me singing Epiphany from Sweeney Todd. I sound so cute. >< Gotta love 'munking. Can't tell that I can't sing to save my life. Freaking awesome, lol. The Sweeney Todd soundtrack, also, is awesome. I'm listening to A Little Priest at the moment. It's awesome. Oh, I've been meaning to put this in for a while now - the Music refers to what I'm listening to, not what reflects my mood. Although on occasion it does tend to do that anyway.

No IPT today, how sad. But! I did have Chemistry, which is definitely my favourite subject. I love everything about it. The teacher is awesome, the material is interesting and easy, and there's just the right balance of theory and prac. Chemistry is win, all the way.
IPT has to be my favourite bludge subject. Insanely easy for the most part, unless you order a query wrongly or something of the like. But whatever. I'm sure it'd be utterly dull if I didn't have my friends in the class. We keep each other sane. Even if we can't get seats together, free text for Merry and I.

How am I mentally? I'm quite happy.
Not being sour anymore, not down, not self-pitying. I'm... great, actually. Quite surprised, and yet not so at all if that makes any sense to you. I thought that I'd be sour or sad or something for a while, and it would slowly wear off. But when I said a while ago - Give me a couple of weeks and I'll redefine normal and get on with it. I did that, pretty much as I predicted. Whew. That's not to say that I don't think back, or look hopefully forward. I do, frequently. But my waking hours aren't consumed by that like they were. And for that, I am grateful.

Though, as said by the blithe creature that is Anne of Green Gables, every cup has a little bitterness in it, and I suppose that while I'm happy to be that bit more mature than I was, it's a little tainted by the ubiquitous niggling that eats at me whenever almost anyone that I (for lack of a better, more distant word) associate with talks to me. It's as if I've left them behind, and everything they say or do is somehow inferior to my new ideals. Laughing when a grape falls in milk. Announcing every notion they have to pass wind. Eating yogurt with their fingers. And it's not the fact that they seem of lower intellect than me that is bothersome. I couldn't care less, and frankly I'm happy that I can't stand to be around them. Thank God for that change.

But Liss.. It's as if she hasn't matured at all. I first met her when I was thirteen years old, and it seems as if she's stayed thirteen with a little more vigour for each year that has passed since. Merry and I have grown up... And she is still a child. Her relationships resemble those of children. And that annoys me. Because she deserves better than that. She deserves better than me as a friend. Because all of her childish mannerisms annoy me.

The fact that she doesn't understand a lot of the things that I like to talk about, the fact that staying over at somebody's house requires us to go crazy. The fact that she is obsessed with the opposite sex like a giggling twelve year old. The fact that she laughs at the simplest things. The fact that she thinks she's experienced in love when in all of her relationships, they've come to an end after a month or two.

And horrible as I'm about to sound, I'm a little ashamed to call her one of my best friends. She is truly a lovely person. A great girl. But she's just not mature. Does that make me horrible, too?
I know I'm just being honest, but I feel like a bitch for saying it. I love her as a friend and as a person. I could just love her better if she could understand me.

That's about all I can manage tonight. And honestly, I'm disgusted with myself, much as I needed to get it all out there. So I'll be off, dears.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Pretty good.
Music: Epiphany - Sweeney Todd
Talking to: Cilla, Ben, Craven, Merry (via text), Brooke (again. o_O)
Quote of the Day: "She's riiiich!" - Ben or Craven. Whichever.

Bleh. I'm very bored, again.

Today was okay. Biology sucked as usual. Froggie was kind of quiet - not sure if she was tired or if she was down. I couldn't really see her face, her hair was in the way so I couldn't tell. Asked her if she was okay at one point, and she replied, "I don't know."
So yeah. Starkey, for once, was kind of civil. Shock! Horror! Um, scary.

Next was Chem. Again, it was freaking awesome. Although Merry still hasn't been switched into my class. And, knowing the admin staff, they'll put her in class B, not C, which is mine. Even if Mr. Watson did write "Please place in CHM11C" on the subject-change sheet which she handed to the admin lady. But still, knowing our school...

German after that, followed by IPT. Thank God for IPT. Ben and Craven annoyed the **** out of us, but it was bloody hilarious at the same time. We learned that Merry hates Star Wars, therefore losing any respect Ben may have had for her, and that I am more skilled in the use of the Clone Tool than my teacher. The idiot was trying to clone the cheek of the guy in the picture to the bags under his eyes when he clearly had another layer in the foreground. Du-uh. Though Merry kept glaring at me when I was ridiculing his poor technique, and in the end I had to clap my hand over my mouth and satisfy my need to rant by mumbling my disdain at being taught by an incompetent into my hand. Just sounded stupider than before.
Brought on a bit of nostalgia at the same time, I've been muffled for being a know-it-all prat in the past, but hey.

Maybe this means that I won't be the Sig Maker of TFF: FG. Haha. If that man can teach us, something of which I am sceptical. Lulz.
And now my hand sort of hurts. Got used as an arm rest, and so the culprit (Ben. Who else? Well. Kane, Craven, Laura and Callum.. But you know.) got slapped. Which seemed to hurt me more than him. Ouchies.

Anyhow. Merry and I are going to stay at my place this Friday, then go see Sweeney Todd again on Saturday. Should be good. God, to think I can finally have an intelligent discussion in real life. I don't think I've had one since the some time in January. I've had plenty via text message, phone and IM, but none in real life. The last I had was.. When was it? Either New Year's morning, or perhaps the Friday before I left for Noosa. Not sure. But yeah.. It will be good. Good to know that I don't have to dumb down around Merry. That makes four or five that I can be me with.

Oh, there was an offer to go see Jumper with Ben and Craven. Don't think we can accept, though. Already got plans to see Sweeney. If they want to come, fine. But I planned with Merry earlier, so she takes the cake. Anyhow, I'm not too sure that a group... Like that is too great an idea outside of school at the moment. Big groups? Fine. Smaller groups.. Not so good. Craven, Merry? Fine. You guys are awesome. But at the moment, it's too much like old times for me, concerning the other member of the abandoned quartet. Later, maybe. Later.
If you can be mature about it, so can I. And precarious situations should be avoided on my part, even if the group is reinforcement to you. Sorry.
Damn, I keep going to type "dear", but I can't do that, can I? Ugh.

Anyway. Life is great, except for the immature people whom I cannot stand to be around. Life is really great..

Anyhow, I can't think of anything else much to write at the moment. Tomorrow I will return to y'all.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Meh.
Music: Roses and Wine - Nobuo Uematsu
Talking to: Craven, Nathan, Fishie, Cilla
Quote of the Day: "C[ompression] o[f] T[ime] buddies!" - Lily

I can't find that bleeding song. It's from FF VIII. If anyone knows the title of the song played when:
1) You have to pick the instruments for the concert. It's the one that ain't Eyes on Me. (Roses and Wine, or is it Julia? Onna the two.)
2) When you finish the sculpture quest in Shumi Village, it plays..

So yeah, if anyone knows what it's called, send me a PM or IM me? ^^

Today was okay. Didn't really do much in either of my classes. Half day for us, so I only had English and German. Oh, oh! Merry finally got her subject change. Turns out that they did put her in the right class. Scooooore. So we have Chem tomorrow I think, and it shall be awesome.

Anywho. Got to sit with Ben and Merry and Craven in the assembly thing. Tried to get Liss over, but she wouldn't come. I felt like a bitch for not sitting with her, but it was her choice not to come. So whatever. I feel that my loyalties lie more with Craven, Merry and Ben than with her anyway. God, that's terrible of me, but it's true. She didn't hang around afterward like she normally does, so I get the feeling that Merry and I are receiving the cold shoulder with a vengance. Oh dear. But I can't pretend that part of me isn't a little happy about it, even if I am a total bitch.

Seriously considering saying "Saya nara" to the people down there and go up to sit with Craven, Ben and such. If Merry is inclined to do the same. Like hell am I leaving her to the insanity that goes on down there. Lol, that makes us sound like a married couple. "Merry and I discussed", "If Merry is inclined"... Haha. But honestly. We are two peas in a pod, and we are certainly related. It is freaking impossible for us to be so similar and not be related somehow. So we're going to trace our family trees until they match. Because they will. Haha, free text has bonded us. She's muh sister from another mister. Or my twin cousin (yes, I know. It's not possible. Allow me my idiocy), at least. ><

What else, what else. Oh, Compression of Time came on. Craven's listening to it too. What a fluke. ><

Oh. And I got my computer rights taken off me. That is, I get 40 minutes in the afternoon now, rather than an hour or more at night. Because, apparently, I have "abused my privileges". Bleeding conservative strict mother. I think that I am quite old enough not to have limits on how long I get online, I'm sorry. Considering my age, you'd think I'd get more leeway. Ugh. So if you can get on at some point between 4 and 6 pm, I'll endeavour to talk to you. I have journal and stuff to fit into 40 minutes now. Exceptions are Wednesdays and weekends. Wednesday because I get the half-day and weekends because... They're weekends. Lol. And I'll be doing all in my power to get my bloody time back. This really blows. Honestly.

Anyhow, I have to be off now. My sisters are home, yadda yadda.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Mildly annoyed.
Music: Miss Lucy Had Some Leeches - Emilie Autumn
Talking to: Merry, Brooke, Nathan, Ann, Fishie, Bean, Froggie, Craven
Quote of the Day: "I like to suck my blood. Tastes like chicken!" - Fishie

Stupid cheap cinema isn't showing Sweeney Todd this weekend. D=
Stupid Valentine's day movie releases followed by new season movies. Killers of the killer. Oh noes. But yeah, 's all good, we'll just go to the Myer Center instead. Bit more expensive, but it's very worth it. Just hope the trains are up again. Haha.

Today, today. What happened? Not much happened, actually. Got up, gave my sisters their birthday presents. Yeah, they're twins. Fraternal, hate to be acknowledged as twins. Anyway, they turned twelve today. I didn't get out to buy them anything nice, so I made their cards and got my dad to pick up some Borders gift vouchers. Easy, but they love Borders so it's all good. ^^

Got to school, sat there basking in the glory of the others' absences (due to work experience) and texted Merry until she got there. Talked for a bit about what was up with Liss. Emailed her asking what was up yesterday; the reply was merely "I don't think you'll understand, I don't want to talk about it." So we're not sure if that connotes "I don't want to talk about it" or "It's about you being a bitch and I don't want to confront you." So ugh. I really don't know what's up, and each day I'm finding myself caring less and less. Although the subtle turn-my-back-to-you-and-exclude-you gesture that she gave Merry and I was certainly unnecessary. As if we'd've wanted to be included in "The Group"'s conversation anyway. But still, 's the thought that counts and that was nae a nice one. Oh well.
We ended up leaving part way thru lunch anyway. Went around the corner to sit with Froggie and Amy. Probably didn't endear us to Liss any further, but hey. Was better company than most of those twits.
Had a yelling match with Ben, Craven and Jess. Well, not so much a yelling match, but a converstion. At one point a guy nicknamed Smurf told us to move up there and talk quietly. Yeah, whatever. "Go eat your mum," was the elegant and mature response he received.

IPT was good. Talked to Craven most of the time. Felt bad for leaving Merry out, although she claimed that she wasn't feeling talkative. Yeah, right. =P Oh well. I'll take her word for it, lol.
Showed him how to do borders, which I can now do myself! Are you proud, Omega? I can even get them around the edge now. And, and! That stupid man couldn't do them! He didn't know how! Hahahahaha, PWNED.

The other classes sucked wang for the most part. Math, boring as hell. English, boring as hell. Chem was good though. Merry's first lesson in the class. Wootz. I think she liked it. Yay.
Pretty sweet, cause she took my book home to copy out the notes she's missed. That meant I didn't have to walk home with it. Score, lol.

Matt has earned himself the status of "bastard". Insulted one of my friends because of their looks, something along the lines of: "Eww, they're disgusting. How can you stand to look at that?" Ra, ra, ra.
And so have I lost all respect for him. He knew that I was good friends with that person, and went and said that anyway. And it's not the first time he's said something like that. He is working class and obsessed with "looking rich". That is not an exaggeration. So he is, in fact, a materialistic, egotistical moron.
Yes, I am loyal to those I like. Those I dislike are berated to no end. I'm a bitch, yes.

Kind of a nostaliga washed over me as I went to put the Noodle Box rubbish out to the wheelie bin. Odd setting for such a thing, yes.
Looked at my dad's pruning job at the plants that line the driveway.. Those grevillias are witness to a few memories of mine.. Seems a shame to see them cut back so harshly. But they'll grow back. Sort of a symbol life itself. Everything's coming to an end for me at the moment. But old things must go before new, better things can come into the world. And such is life, I suppose.
Perhaps it is not and end, but a new beginning. Anne of Green Gables said something of the like. "Perhaps it is not the beginning of the end, but the end of the beginning." Or something to that effect. It was, of course, in Anne of the Island.
I don't think people realise how often I relive the past. It's become not frequent, but constant when I'm left to my thoughts. It's no longer how often I do, but how often I don't. The answer: Not very often.
So much to look back on and be thankful for. The mere thought makes me smile. Perhaps that's why I'm so happy of late.

Anyway, on that note, I'm off to do some cleaning. Should be... fun.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Missed journal-time yesterday since Merry was over, so I'll do up a kind of brief summary of what happened, then move onto today, 'kay?

Friday

Mood: Oh noes.
Quote of the Day: "...Oops." - Lily

The day, overall, was crap. Had Biology, which explains most of it. The rest of the crap-ness was based on an MSN conversation Merry and I had with Rebecca. Before I go into it, should prolly say something about what happened.

Basically, Merry and Liss sent a few texts back and forth trying to suss out exactly how the other felt. So Merry explained that we weren't mad or anything, just avoiding the idiots in the infamous "Group". Not our fault she didn't come with us when we moved, and, in fact, we only did so because she turned her back on us and didn't talk.
So one thing led to another and eventually she wouldn't talk to us when we tried to talk to her. Seems that she thought we were "fighting", since she said to Merry that she didn't want to fight.
Anyway, lunch came around and we went to sit with Froggie and Amy as had been the usual for the last couple of days, kind of glancing her way and willing her to come with us. 'Course, it didn't work. Then a guy called Sam (though we called him "Steve", 'cause it's a cool name) came over and we sat there talking to him for a while. Froggie offered to buy us icecream with some of her spare cash, and we set off for the school tuckshop.

We got back, Liss was crying in Rebecca's arms and everyone was fussing over her, and the few that actually noticed our return glared at us. Ooh, icy. Kind of lingered between Froggie and Amy and "The Group", trying to decide where to go. But then I decided "Screw this" and went over to sit with Froggie and Amy.
I sure as hell wasn't going to go over there and grovel to them, so I let it be.

Hopped on MSN with Merry.

Bec: Do u no what u are putting elissa through
Bec: ?
Bec: Got nothing to say?
Lily and Merry: What do you want us to say? "Yes" makes us sound like complete bitches for doing it knowingly and "No" makes us sound like ignorant fools who couldn't give a damn either way.
So no. I haven't got anything to say if it means you'll go behind my back and berate me to everyone. Because, I'm sorry. I have more self preservation than to subject myself to that.

And so we took the bait. Basically, I baited her back with poetics that dripped with sarcasm. "Do elaborate, dear. We are somewhat tired.", "Do you suppose that, if by chance we had tried to talk to her, you would have welcomed us with open arms and thanked us for being so caring? Uh, no. You'd've greeted us with hostility and most likely told us where to stick our apologies.
That said, it is no excuse for not attempting to speak to her. I must offer my deepest apologies, friend."
And, finally, "Icy. We're off to bed, dear. See you Monday. ^^"

I'm pleased to say that, sarcastic as it may have been, the conversation was entirely civil on our part. Though if Bec continues to be Bec, she'll warp our words in some way to induce hate from all directions. And, of course, Liss will believe Bec over us. Because that's just Liss. Ugh. If we hadn't taken the bait, we may have been able to keep things civil and rational. Now I'm fairly sure that we'll be given the "silent ((Read: icy, bitchy silence)) treatment" by 'most everyone. Which will certainly include Merry's ride home from school. Oh noes. Me and my big mouth. God. I'm a moron.

And now you see how immature and pathetic our... associates really are. I'm really beginning to believe that, as Froggie says, age is a load of bull. Because this lot are reminiscent of eleven year olds. That said, there does tend to be a rough level of maturity that corresponds to physical age, but as to every rule there are exceptions. Some more mature, some less so. And that lot are a collection of people with maturity falling just a tad short of average.
And when dealing with the immature, we should have remembered that their reactions would reflect that immaturity. Why did I make the mistake of treating her as an equal? Wow. That's bitchy. Oh well. It's true. And we're going to be treated like little children who've betrayed their "best friend forever" or whatever. And it's funny because they look down on us like we're the pathetic ones. Um, lol?

So much for brief. But whatever. Onto today now.

Saturday

Mood: Whatever-ish.
Music: Johanna (Reprise) - Sweeney Todd
Talking to: Merry, Nathan, Ann, Fishie, Froggie, Bean, Craven, Tom
Quote of the Day: "They all deserve to die." - Sweeney Todd

So we ate a lot of lollies and listened to a lot of Sweeney Todd songs last night. I know most of Epiphany, A Little Priest, Pirelli's Miracle Elixir and My Friends. Awesome, all of them. Talked about Bec and her immaturity, how pathetic she is and such things.

But hey. I'll go to school, take whatever crap she wants to give out to me and smile sweetly. Nothing confuses people more than an appreciative smile. And you know what? I'll go out of my way to be nice to her. I'll ask her how her weekend was, and I'll be the embodiment of love.
And if she wants to scorn me, I'll turn the other cheek. I'll humor her every whim.
But no more than that. To accept her as a person? No. I will tolerate her with a smile, and walk away breezily if she is outright horrible, but I refuse to accept her. Because when it comes down to it, she's not worth the bother.

Anyway. Enough about Rebecca.

We went to see Sweeney Todd again, sung along with the songs and laughed as people got butchered.
And, as we vowed, we sang the line:
"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with ****!!"
Loudly during Epiphany. And I pictured Bec when I sang along the the bit that went "And we allll deserve to DIE."
I bought me some Death Note manga, a Diablos figurine for my collection and had a great time. Trains were still down. Had to get a bus for some of the journey, but not so much as last time. Thank God. Those buses are horrid on humid days. The air conditioning is dodgy, and it was packed with people. Ugh.
The train was a little better. But not by much. Of all the people that could've been on it, Liss's brother had to be one of them. And undoubtedly he'll go home and say "I saw your friends", which will only reiterate, in her mind, the fact that we are being intentionally exclusive.

Why do I even bother? Honestly. Is she worth the crap? To be frank (and horrible), probably not. We have grown apart. We do have different ideals. And we aren't who we used to be. Maybe I should stop running from that and embrace it. I'm sure I could be equally as happy or more so than I am. So whatever. If there's going to be a sixth-grade bitchfight, screw that. I'm not putting up with a load of crap for the sake of one girl to whom I'm not that close any more. And in a spat like that, we can't win. So I'll walk away with my head held high, if it comes to it.

Froggie walked around the corner. I don't want to be kicked.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Undecided
Music: Letters from War - Mark Schultz
Talking to: Merry, Nathan, Ann, Froggie, Bean, Liss..
Quote of the Day: "You're gone, and yet you're mine." - Sweeney Todd

Nothing interesting happened yesterday, hence the lack of journal-ing.

Um. So school was interesting. Got there and sat down where I normally would. Reena was at her bag fishing some homework out when I walked around the corner. Plonked my bum down and began wishing for my mp3 player. And then it happened.
Reena... Didn't sit with me!! Yaaay!!
Honestly, that girl is the most insufferable, repetitive, conformist person I have ever had the misfortune to meet. Her most used phrase is (quite literally), "Do you think it's gonna rain today?". And I'm not even kidding, which is even more sad.
But she didn't talk, so all was good.

Got ignored by 'most everyone for the whole day. Though I went out of my way to be "nice" to Bec like I said I would. A passing comment here or there, I only wish I could have seen her face. I arrived before her at English, and left her seat empty so she had to sit next to me. Smiled sweetly at her while I scribbled a draft for a new poem.
Hehe. And so rages the Battle of the Bitches.
As I speak, I'm trying to come to a compromise with Liss. Merry and I decided that it's us or "The Group". I just don't know how to tell her that we want to make her pick.

I made a decision last night. After another introspective discussion with Merry, I realised that I am a masochist. Not in the traditional sense, but whatever. Pleasure from pain is the gist of it.

Allow me to elaborate.
Craven keeps inviting Merry and I so sit with his group at lunch, while Ben seems to be deliberately indifferent.
Craven invited us to see Jumper. Ben made it obvious that he didn't care.
He's aloof, neutral and often outright rude. I don't know much about male psychology, but for someone who was so... different before, I can only conclude that it's probably best that I don't initiate conversation with him. That way, if he wants to talk to me and can do so without (I'm sorry, but it's really getting to this point) being a bastard, then I'll be more than happy to chat. More than happy. And I'll spare myself some pain. I know he broke it off so it wouldn't be that way. But it does hurt. It does.
To his credit, no. It's not as bad as it would be if we were still dating. But still.

And so I conclude that it's probably best for both of us if I don't try to talk to him when he doesn't want to talk. And of course I don't know if he does or not until he's horrible, and then it's too late anyway.
So here is my decision. I plan to stick to it.
I hope you're reading this like you have been before. Because I don't want you to think I don't care. I do, and probably more than I should. I will wait, and I'll do it quietly. I won't be an unwanted distraction.

So there you have it. A mature decision on my part. Because as much as I love talking to him, I'm not going to go out of my way to hurt myself in the process.

Uhm. What now? Oh, yeah. Starkey. How could I forget the Demon Biologist of Gee Two? She is evil. Evil, evil evil. That is all.
Froggie and I plan to do something horrible on Muck Up Day. We were thinking something along the lines of laxatives.. Oh, how wonderful it would be. She really would deserve it. In the meantime.. I wrote "Starkey is a bitch" on the table in cliche chic writing. How childish - yay me.

Eh.. Can't really think of anything else. Tomorrow, there may be some progress with the Battle of the Bitches.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Ugh.
Music: Rose Red - Emilie Autumn
Talking to: Merry, Nathan, Ann, Froggie, Bean, Sean, Craven, Ben, Cilla
Quote of the Day: "Is apple juice made from crushed apples or juiced ones?" - Froggie
Today Quixub... ate WeetBix.

Today was a bit of a mixture of good and bad.

Well. Okay. It was ****. But hey, let's not be pessimistic now.

I had biology first, with the Demon Bitch of Gee Two. Which would have been okay, except for, well, Starkey. We had to go around the room, looking at the plants they had stood up on all the desks. Had to use a page from the text book to identify their Phylum, Class, and Family. Wasn't too bad. At least it wasn't dead boring like normal.
For the last ten minutes or so we got to get out our slime mold and looked at it. We had to put three different foods in it the day before and see which one it would grow toward. Ours (which we called "Quixub", from randomly selected letters) went for the cheese, didn't like it and ate the WeetBix we put in.
That slime mold is the cutest lot of yellow goop I've ever seen. And I'm going to get to take some of it home. Yay.

Chemistry was okay. I proved that Pirelli's Miracle Elixir is, in fact, a scam. We had ammonium out (smells terrible, got a headache from it) and my teacher mentioned that it was the main component of urine. So I asked if ammonia had anything to do with hair growth. Merry had a silent laughing fit next to me, while I sat there listening to how ammonia was closely linked to amino acids which are good for your hair. Go figure.

So, if you have hair, pee on it and it'll be nice but if you don't have any it won't help? M'kay. Lol.

The Battle of the Bitches didn't progress much. A couple of sarcastic exchanges with Mel was all there was today. How sad. We've decided to postpone judgement until we're sure we can't tolerate "The Group" at all. Liss has been a loyal friend, she deserves more than to be given a statement that lets her choose us - or them. It's not a great way to go about a conflict, and it's just cruel to throw away a friendship in such a fashion. She deserves better, but I have a feeling we're going to have to force the choice upon her.
Which is sad.

Ah, to clarify the last entry. "Rude" probably wasn't the best word choice. I didn't mean that he's intentionally rude. But he's not exactly the image of perfection in etiquette either.
What I meant to say was that he's generally careless in the way he speaks, inconsiderate, and the way he just doesn't seem to care at all. It's not how he usually is. Or was.

But then again, perhaps I've just got another Edward to deal with, and since I am no longer the proverbial Froggie, I am just another random to fall victim to his sense of humor. Ah well. I'm sticking to my resolution. Though when he signed in I did almost click on the little popup. Bad Lily.

Eh, what else. IPT was kind of ugh. Merry is now at war with Ben, for reasons I won't go into here. But I'm guessing it's safe to say we won't be sitting with them at lunch in the hear future. I was just a tad irked too, but I suppose I'll have to fall back on hypothetical hate on this one. Because hating someone you clearly don't hate doesn't really work. Um. Yeah. Well, we made our own databases today. It was okay, got it to work fairly easily. Only problem was a typo in the command. Easy fixed.

Not looking forward to tomorrow. German listening test, oh noes. But you can't study for them, so I guess I'll hoe for the best. I'm not too bad at German, but I'm not exactly exceptional either. I'll get by.

When I was getting changed out of my (soaked from walking in the rain) school uniform, I noticed that I still have a bruise on my knee from Saturday. How did I get one? I fell up an escalator. Yeah, it's true. Ask Merry, she saw it. Lol.
Also had lots of dirt on my knee. Because Froggie was at the tuckshop and said if I could find 10c she'd buy me a packet of chips. Looked on the ground for a bit, nothing. So I walked over the the drains. Ten cents, score. Dumped my books in the mud, knelt down and pulled the grate up. Haha, chips for me, bitches.
And so I robbed the drain. Got a few funny looks for the dirt all up my forearm, but whatever. The chips were so worth it. Lol.

Anyway, I think that's it. Shall be off now.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Neutral to bad
Music: Summer Rain - Slinkee Minx
Talking to: Ben, Craven, Cilla, Merry, Liss..
Quote of the Day: "Oh God." - Merry, "I would not be friends with Rebecca Young. I have enough male friends!" - Craven

It really was a mix of good and bad today.

The good was that I got my German test done quickly and easily, and managed to get me an A- overall. Not bad, considering I thought I was going to do badly. Yays! My German teacher, Miss McKendry seemed to like the responses I gave.. Apparently I've very concise. Well. She did yell out "MISS CONCISE, I LOVE YOU!"
Yay me? I never really noticed it before. Oh well.

I didn't even have Biology today and I had to see Starkey. How crap can you get. We had to go up to her staff room to get a SRAM. Which stands for Student Resource something-something. I forget the last two letters. Anyway, we went and asked for Starkey, then she made us wait for five minutes or something, then finally comes over and says: "Sorry girls, lunch is over, you need to go to class". Did I ever tell you, teacher, that you are a bitch? No? That certainly needs to be rectified. But 'sall good, got one off of Ashleigh. Now I just have to email Froggie the answers and everything is right again. Sort of. We still have that evil teacher. Well, it'll be fun when she comes to check our homework expecting us not to have done it. In your face. Lol.

The Battle of the Bitches is gay.
Liss has been texting Merry, and the gist of it is that she hates the two "sides" fighting. But I don't think that she understands the only reason we're sticking around at all is for her...
I wish she got that. But she's narking at us because both "sides" are constantly provoking eachother. And really. All our lives would be better if the other "side" just dropped off the face of the earth. And Liss doesn't understand that. She thinks we're feuding, and want to make up eventually. It's not going to happen. If there was anything in common with us and the "Group" before, it certainly isn't there now. So I'm sorry. Go and dig the deepest hole you can. We'll just shovel the dirt on top of you.
Do you think I care if you are a bitch to me, Rebecca? Do you think I'll bow to your every whim, Mel? I'm sorry. No. If you want to piss me off, go for it. I'll do you the same courtesy. But I am sick of you.

So we just tried to talk to Liss. She's stubborn as hell and is now sitting with Jess. Which means Ben. Which means that Merry is strongly against it, of course. Just another hurdle to face, I guess. Hopefully we can resolve this childish piece of **** before my journal turns into that of an eleven year old. Really. This is just pathetic. I read over the last few entries.. How gay do I sound. I sound like a whinging brat. I swear, I'm not this dumb normally. I've felt like crap these last few days and felt like crying for no reason, so maybe it can be explained by the time of month. Heh.

I don't know. Until very recently, I was really happy with my life and with myself, but now I'm not so sure. I don't want to be another one of those haughty bitches. But I don't want to be so self-sacrificing that I give my happiness up for loyalty. That's just too much to ask, noble and all else it may be. I just don't know any more. I was happy with my morals and standards, I was happy with my personality. But this whole fight is stupid. It's thrown everything upside down. It's just sad that I can lose that self-assurance over this. Because the people involved truly don't deserve to have that sort of effect on me.
God. I am pathetic. Really, I am.

Well. On the bright side I had a decent conversation with Ben. It was really good. I've missed talking to him with some sanity involved. So that made the day a little less crap. And I edited his cover letter for the traineeship he's applying for. I felt speshel. Yay me.

I'll leave off here before I scar you all for life with my ramblings and all. Hopefully I won't sound so dumb tomorrow. But overall, today hasn't been good at all.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Not great.
Music: Low - Kelly Clarkson
Talking to: Fishie, Ann, Cilla, Bean, Merry
Quote of the Day: "Not so much of a damn for you.." *giggles* - Merry

We tried to sort things out with Liss today. I spent Math and English planning out what to say and everything. And when it came time to deliver (pretty much, we apologised for not trying to sort it out earlier and put The Choice to her because there wasn't really anything else we could do), she just sat there silently, then walked away down to where we were before. We'd followed her up to where Jess, Ben and Craven were sitting. So sat there looking at each other as Froggie and Craven had a fight with ice cream and Ben had a slushie with a gay-sounding name that looked ick. Put my head on Merry's shoulder and sat there thinking "Dammit" on loop.
"You're meant to comfort me, dammit, not sit there like a lump," I said to her.
"Yeah, well I need comforting too," she said. So I patted her head.
I couldn't help glancing over at Ben, sort of wishing he was next to me. Merry's shoulder wasn't very comfy and it dug into my eye socket. Ouch.

That are you meant to do when you try to handle something maturely and they just act like a miffed thirteen-year-old. Ugh.
"... We're bitches, aren't we."
"Yep."
Jess: "Why are you bitches?"

Then she told us that we had to go down and tell her that we'd still be friends with her even if she chose that side. Which I thought was appropriate but almost refused to do it because she told us to in that authoritative voice of hers. She can be extremely irritating when she gets like that. Apparently she's chucked a couple of tearies over school work. 'Parently the teacher had to take her aside and calm her down in Physics. Um. Primary school much. Maybe it was that time of month or something. Because really. That's... sort of sad.

Anyway, we went down there, and made frantic gestures at each other while Liss played Snake or whatever it was on her phone, oblivious to us. Made a couple of feeble attempts at talking to her, which she completely ignored. And Jess kept giving us her "disproving look". Seriously. She was going all high-and-mighty on us:

[Flashback to Ben, Jess and Craven's area]
"Made her choose what? Whether she's your friend, or Bec's friend? You can't do that to people. So what now. Are you just going to leave her? ... So if she chose Bec, would you still be her friend?"
Um. Yeah.
"So go and tell her! Mush, mush!!"
[End flashback]

Cutting off my nose to spite my face had never seemed so appealing, but we ended up down there, trying to make conversation while being ignored by Liss. Which really sucked. I felt so guilty for forcing the choice on her, but it was even worse to know that there wasn't really anything else to do.
We pulled our socks up. We tried. We tried to make the best of the worst by dealing with it maturely, and it all went to pot.
Honestly, as crap as I feel about it, there isn't' really anyone to blame. It's all one big fat enlightening misunderstanding. And as perversely monged as this is going to sound, I'm almost glad of it. Almost. That sounds odd. I'm not even sure I can give you reasoning - I'm not even sure myself. It's like this niggling little feeling that shouldn't be there, but I can't get rid of. That's horrible of me.
But it can only get better from now on, right?

Anyway. Enough about that. It's eating my brain cells enough as it is.
IPT? Okay for the first half. The network was down so we just sat there talking. We were meant to be doing some crossword thing that seemed to be a last resort, but pff, screw that.
So I got out my phone and looked in the memo section for the correction on one of Ben's phrases that didn't sit right with me when I read his cover letter. I was sort of dead and fixed it up to something gay sounding, so I gave him a new one that made more sense. But - I gave him the wrong one! There's another one that makes more sense than any of them. He should talk to me. Then I could give it to him. Because I'm not going to break my vow-thing.
Anyhow, he left half way through to do something or other, asked Craven and he just said that it was a meeting or something. Um. Kay. But yeah, then the network was put back up and we made another database. Was much easier than the last one. Screwed it up briefly, but got it fixed and got it done really quickly. Fixed one of Merry's problems and just sat there for the rest of the lesson.

The other classes were okay. Nothing much happened. I have a math test tomorrow that I'm thinking of skipping. We're going to the dentist before school and if I take the last of the three appointments that dad booked, then I'll miss out on the test. But since it's not a proper one I don't know if they'll make me catch up on it or not, so I dunno if it's worth wagging.
Oh well.

After I finished off my journal last night I talked to Ben for a bit more. When I had to go, he said he really appreciated my help.. Damn, that felt good to hear. Really good.
Shoulda demanded payment for it, lol.
Because today he showed up with a Squall figurine!! It was cute and chibi and I wanted it. Jess came down before school holding it.
"Do you know what this is?"
I squinted at it, she was a few meters away.
"OHEMGEE IT'S SQUALL!!"
I kind of made to take it to look at it. She snatched it away!
"Nah, it's Ben's not mine."
She walked away. I shrieked after her: "I WAAANTT IT!!"
Um. Fangirl much.

(If you're interested, the chibi Squall got given to Froggie, who refused to let go of it at all.)

But yeah. Today was certainly the day for screaming. After Liss walked away.. I kind of went a little spare. Started to yell and hit the palm tree, screaming obscenities at it. (Wow. Reading over that it sounds so gay. But whatever.) As I was walking down to the music block I was still yelling: "That hurt more than slapping Ben!"
I really made an ass of myself, acted like such a child. Well, more like a toddler having a temper tantrum. But I guess I needed to get it out. Which was certainly, um. Effective.

I thought the day was going to go really well on the way to English. I know a few people who have Math at the same time as me, so I walked past the Math block on my way up there, hoping to see them. I did. Exchange of smiles, ba bing, the day was okay.
Then we talked to Liss. Then it all went to pot. Bleh.

Anyway, before I leave off for today, thanks for reading and putting up with this crap. It will get more interesting, I promise. My life is just a bit gay right now. (Thanks for the word, Cilla. Ace. ><) Merry, thanks for putting up with me. You, along with this forum and its members, are the rock of my sanity.
Also, thanks bigtime to Fishie for being my emotional dumpster today. Was great to get it out with someone who could reply straightaway. I really appreciate it.

Now I'll be off to study for that math test. Hope you all have a better day than me.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Alright.
Music: Pictures of You - The Last Goodnight
Talking to: Ben, Craven, Merry
Quote of the Day: "I don't want marble halls and sunbursts..." - Anne of Green Gables
Today Quixub... got melted.

According to Froggie, if you spell the word "gay" as "ghey", it is no longer offensive to homosexuals. But if I wanted to be offensive to homosexuals, I'd call something homosexual or "homo". Not gay. Gay has evolved from happy to homosexual to stupid. I mean it as stupid. So nahh. 'Sides, "gay" is quicker to type, so from now on when you see it, convert it to "ghey" in your head so it isn't offensive, 'kay?

Anyway, to start on the events of today.

I didn't do much after getting off last night. Went to bed, turned on my computer, booted WinFast PVR and watched Lost. Texted Merry for bit, then during one of the ad breaks my phone buzzed. Picked it up expecting to see "1 new message Merry" on the display - I didn't. It was Cilla! Opened it up, she said she was sorry she didn't get to talk to me very much. I could have hugged her! And I would have, had she been there. Was nice to talk to her for a bit, then I really had to get some study in and sleep for that bloody test.

So I woke up this morning at 6 something. Staggered through at 6:41 and plopped myself down on the couch. Wasn't prepared for that stupid test, fell asleep when I was studying and didn't have the time to look over anything before school.
Groan. Had a shower and pulled my stuff together for the dentist's.

I'm finally getting that stupid tooth ripped out. My old dentist sat on it for a year, kept saying that she was sure it'd come out naturally. But... It didn't. It was one of the last ones meant to fall out, supposed to have done so at thirteen or fourteen. But... It didn't. About three years later, it was still there and the permanent tooth had grown in over it, twisting it around because there wasn't enough space. Stupid monged teeth. It came down at the wrong angle and didn't cut the root, so now I have to get it pulled out. I'm getting that done in just under two weeks, I can't wait.
Oh, and thanks to that stupid lady who told me it'd come out naturally, now I have to get braces to put the permanent tooth back in place. How gay. But I guess that I'll have nice teeth after so it's all good, even if it is pretty expensive and I'll have them on for the formal. Ugh.

So yeah, I chickened out and skipped math. Missed out on a fair bit of my form class (home room type thing) too, which was good as I hate my teacher. I just hope I don't have to catch up on that dumb test. Haha.

Liss was kind of distant in form, didn't really talk much. But when we had form again in fourth (last) period for Clean Up Australia Day (pretty gay, lol.) she was fine. We had to pick up rubbish around the school, and we walked around the area we were meant to be cleaning, just talking.
Talked about the whole situation, maturely by Liss's standards, and I think we've come to the best conclusion that we can. She doesn't want to sit with either group, she hasn't been forced out, and she likes it up there with Jess. She doesn't object to hanging out with either "group" outside school but she doesn't want to side within it. She says she's been under so much less stress since she's sat with Jess, so I suppose I'll just leave her be. I mean, if she's happy then I guess we can't really do anymore for the debacle. So I guess that's that unless something drastic changes. Thanks for listening to me whine, all. I think I'd have gone insane if I hadn't been able to get it out.
Anyhow, with that settled to some point, I guess life was a little easier today.

At any rate Biology was horrible, and for once it wasn't because of Starkey. We're classifying kingdoms Plantae and Animalia into phylums, classes orders and such. Last time it was Plantae, this time it was Animalia. I thought we'd get pictures of animals or something to work with. Boy, was I wrong. When we got there, there were all sorts of jars on the desks.
I soon found out that they had dead animals in them, which wasn't too bad since most of them were crustaceans or insects. But up the back, where Froggie and I normally sit, there was this one jar... With a dead mouse in it! The poor albino rodent looked so.. horrible just floating there, suspended in oil. And as if that wasn't bad enough! Right in front of where I'd dumped my books, there was a budgerigar. Impaled upon a kitchen skewer that was stuck into a block of Styrofoam! I have a photo of it on my phone, if I can steal mum's laptop I'll put it up some time. It was truly horrid to see the poor thing like that. One of the guys in the class noticed that I was sort of squeamish with the poor bird right in front of me and shoved it in my face! I covered my eyes and told him to get it away from me. He conceded after a while, but when I looked up, its head was facing me, and it was staring at me with those hopeless empty eyes..
I put my head on the desk, and if I had to look up, I'd shade my eyes until Froggie turned it around. That poor bird...

IPT was a classic piece of crap. When we got there, it turned out that Craven had made a chatterbox in Economics! I think it was economics, at least.. But yeah, he made us play it, and the end results all read stuff like "Your mum is fat", "You're a lesbian" and "Fly, Ragnarok, Fly!", the last of which is an old inside joke which I have really come to resent. And of course, I had to pick that one. Ugh.
So the lesson was basically comprised of me and Merry trying to work while juggling the tedious task of insulting them (that is, Ben and Craven), rebutting their insults (neither of which we did well, I'm sorry to say..) and throwing Merry's Math B textbook at Craven. Which would have been funny if it had actually hit him properly. But I'm pathetic, so he kind of smacked it onto the floor both times.
It was a bit of a bitch, they did nothing but real-life flamebait me the whole lesson. I got really pissed off at them. I can take **** like that and laugh in earnest about it from people I dislike or am neutral to, but from my friends... I can't take that, I'm sorry. Eight years of taking crap and smiling at people.. It gets a little wearing after that long.

So please guys, if you're reading this. Don't bait me, I won't bait you. I truly resent being treated as a joke.

Though when I got on MSN, two windows popped up, one from Craven, one from Ben - saying sorry! Thank you for at least having the decency to apologise, I appreciate it. I just hope I don't have to degrade your manliness or whatever it is again. Haha. Should be fine if we don't go at each other's throats..

At lunch Froggie, Merry, Amy and I went up to Starkey's staffroom. We'd given her the gelatine that we needed to take our slime mold home and had to go back at lunch to see if it was set. It was, so we took Quixub and put it in the gelatine with an oat. They eat oats, cheese, apples and WeetBix. Haha.
But I had to walk home with it, and the gelatine sort of melted to the point that surface tension was the only thing keeping poor Quixub and its oat alfoat. Oh noes. So I put him in the freezer and the gelatine solidified again. I dunno if Quixub's okay though. Hope so, lol.

Oh, and to address an old issue that seems to have slipped my mind during the typing of previous entries. There was some sceptic on one of my entries beforehand from one of the people that reads regularly. To be honest, I found that quite insulting. If I go to the bother of typing up how I feel about the day, religiously typing up all this crap, do you really think I'd bother to lie.
So there you go, just for clarification.

Anyway, I'm off for tonight all. Take care.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Tired.
Music: Heavily Broken - The Veronicas
Talking to: One hell of a lot of people, Craven, Callum, Emily, Ben
Quote of the Day: "Oh, dreams will be sweet now." - Anne of Green Gables

The weekend wasn't really very interesting at all. Tried to write something up last night, but there just wasn't enough to make it worth it. So yeah, here I am today, trying to stick some stuff together in the hope that it'll make sense. Excuse me if it doesn't - I really am very, very tired.

I stayed up til 2:15 this morning writing out a draft for my English assignment, which is basically to break down a magazine advert into discourse, intertextuality and the like.. It's actually quite enjoyable when you get into it, but I really wasn't awake. My writing started off nice and neat like it normally is, pretty flowing cursive, but by the last of eight double-spaced pages, it was a messily printed scrawl.
And as if it wasn't bad enough in itself that I was doing an assignment by hand, the time of night (morning) probably wasn't helping. A late night the night before, and I was really at the end of my tether as far as maintaining consciousness went.
Mum was in bed not too far away, she's a really light sleeper so I didn't dare boil the kettle for a coffee (I don't normally like it, but I've been craving it recently. Maybe I'm over the instant coffee sandwich incident? ><) or a tea.
So I looked to the fridge. Dad had some beer open, but that wouldn't do. Firstly, it wouldn't keep me awake, secondly I'm more of a port person and thirdly I didn't really like the type he got. (Toohey's Old. Um. Ew. New or XXXX or VB ftw.)
So to the pantry I went. Wasn't really much there, hadn't done the shopping this week, so I made off with the most sugar and calorie loaded thing I could find:: Woolworths brand Nutella.

So it tasted sort of bad straight out of the jar (Hell, it tastes sort of bad on bread and all), but it kept me awake enough to do the draft. Sugar hit ftw.

So I got it done by 2:15, threw my books on the floor and went to sleep. Got up for school today, stuck my English book happily in my bag and left for school. I got there, finished up the biology homework that I honestly couldn't be screwed doing last night and went to read over my English draft. Got out my English book.. It wasn't there!
I went through all my books and it wasn't there either. So basically I made myself fatter by eating half the contents of a Nutella jar to stay awake.. For nothing. Lol.
That sort of sucked.

Yeah, school was okay for the most part though. I got a Biology assignment, but no biggie it's just an in class one anyway. So it's all good there.

Merry and I went to see Sweeney again on the weekend. It was sort of funny, on the way in the ticket lady goes: "You are aware that this is a musical, aren't you?"
Um. Yeah. We've seen it twice before.
"Oh, fine." *rips ticket*
Haha. Then, when we got in we went up the back and got two nice-looking seats. Only paused for a second to note that they didn't have an arm rest between them, didn't make anything of it. About ten minutes later, this couple walks in and tells us to get out of their double seat. So we moved, and I texted Merry (we were only a couple down from them, didn't want them to hear) saying:
"I mean they are just going to make out for the whole movie so what is the point of kicking us out of our seats when they could have stayed home and gotten laid for free. What bastards."
Then, the nerve, about ten minutes in, they got up and left!! Obviously the music was just too much for them, stupid lady at the ticket desk warned the wrong people, obviously. Merry muttered to me, "Prolly went home.."
Giggle.

And last night on MSN Craven asked me the most peculiar question.

Craven: Do you still like Benjamin?
Lily: Of course I do.
Craven: I mean, "like like".
Lily: Yes, boy. "Like like".

Um. No joke. This whole journal isn't a gripe-fest of me being pathetic and whine-y for nothing you know. And I do reference him prolly around once an entry in some way that the both of us get, either that or it is blatantly obvious to any old reader. Haha. So yeah. I found that kind of funny. Not laughing at you specifically. Just the concept. Heh.

Ugh, if there was anything I really wanted to write about today, I've forgotten it. So I'll be back tomorrow with more. Buh-bye all.

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Relieved.
Music: Coin Operated Boy - Dresden Dolls
Talking to: Craven, Fishie, Ann, Nathan, Bean, Ben, Laura
Quote of the Day: "Those who know don't talk. Those who talk don't know." - Ji- Er, Tacitus's sig.

Yay yay yay!

I got that English assignment done at long last. I finally got around to typing it up. I don't think it sounds very good, but it's okay, I guess. Well, put it this way. When Ben sent me his essay to edit (Read: grammar- and spelling-ify), it sounded a lot better than mine does.. Sad as it is, I, er. Stole some of his phrasing. And stealing from a half-Canadian.. That is just pathetic. Lawl. I don't mean it, really. Canadians be awesome, after all - where did Anne of Green Gables come from.
And back on topic - I guess it was phrasing that I edited so it didn't sound monged, so that makes it sort of okay. Haha.

Oh my God. Fishie is my favourite person in the world today. Froggie told me about the Dresden Dolls a while ago, but I never remembered exactly what songs she'd told me about.. And then when I logged onto MSN today.. Fishie told me about Coin Operated Boy. And now he is my favourite person. That song is so awesome.
I remember Ann put me onto Breaking Benjamin.. Another great band. I must say, TFF hash great taste. Lots of my favourites I've heard of from people here. So yay.

Anywho, what's been happening? Not much, really.
School has been boring for the most part. I think the whole fight thing is kind of at an end. The two groups just avoid each other, and talk to Liss when she is around. So I guess that's it.

Eh, eh, eh..
That Biology assignment is going to be a bitch. I really can't be bothered. And on top of that, I have a Chem assignment and a Math test coming up that I am.. Unprepared for to say the least. Also an IPT exam, and I'm pretty much failing the subject at the moment.. Damned Ben and Craven being distracting, lol. I believe I'm going to employ my father in the task of helping me get what the hell to do. Yay for having a computer-savvy father. Ugh.

I think I'm coming down with something. A day or two ago I had a temperature and a really bad headache.. Ick. I hope I was just having an off day because I get sick enough in Winter as it is, never mind Autumn too. I get this really bad hacking cough, every Winter since I was seven. So nearly ten years, lol.
AND I had the flu last year. Dunno what that had to do with anything, but okay. Haha.

Ugh, so many spammy group conversations at the moment. And I am really sick of the obsession with voice filters. It's getting sort of old..

Anyway, nothing really to write about, or at least nothing I can put up here atm. See you all tomorrow with more ramblings of an imbecile. =P

Til later,
Lily

[Tiger Lily]

Mood: Meh.
Music: My Friends - Sweeney Todd OST
Talking to: Cilla, Emily, Craven, Ben, Fishie
Quote of the Day: "OH MY GOD! I WANT THAT MEAL!" - Cilla

Today was okay, I guess. IPT was quite different, Ben was at a Legal Studies excursion and Craven wasn't sitting with us. We almost got some work done. But then when I was typing in a query, I got bored and typed:

Select pm_name
from prime_minister
where there are gay men.

And Merry found this funny. So we messed around with the query until we found another funny one.

Select pm_name
from prime_minister
where state_rep = brooke

Then..

Select pm_name
from pm_recreation
where recreation = your mum

Which Merry found hilarious. I thought it was mildly amusing. Well. I found it pretty funny. I have the state_rep = brooke one on my phone. We were meant to be doing strings of queries, but hey. Screw compound queries when you can have a laugh with the 'where' clause. ><

Craven kept harassing me about his English assignment. It seems I have become the Grammar Girl of proofreading. I should honestly start charging! I found it sort of funny that since I edited Ben's I've got people on my back about theirs too. Hm. Could be a good money maker, yesh.

Ah, what else has been going on. Not very much. Just been thinking a lot, reminiscing, the usual. Nothing new, really. This is sort of sad.
"Because everything is a basket of clothes at the moment. Everything everywhere, and all jumbled up." Personally, I thought that was a good analogy but then I am biased. But still, it's true. I can't decide what to think, how I feel, who I like, who I don't. I can't discern why things annoy me, only that they do and I come to resent it more.

What do I resent? The present? The unknown? The unfairness of everything? Okay, that last one just sounds emo. But it's true. Everything was greeeaat until school went back. Then a colossal boot of gayness came along and stood on it. And whoever is wearing that boot is dumb. Or maybe they are smart. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Right.

Oh, oh!! Ben got his traineeship! I'm really really happy for him, even if he's got mixed emotions over it. And he's sort of nervous about the reputation he has to live up to, and pressure that he's under from all sides. But when he gets there I'm sure he's gonna love it. He better. =P Niggling doubts be evil, yesh. I just want him to do well at what he wants and be happy doing it.
I do love talking to him. I really really do.
Fishie, dear, you've been ousted today. =P

Anywho, I'm being kicked off, so more tomorrow.

Til later,
Lily