Mood: Thoughtful
Music: Untouched - The Veronicas
Talking to: Liss, Sam, Cilla, Ben
Quote of the Day: "George, I'm bored." - Merry
I'm bored, too. I haven't done anything this afternoon. I went to my room, got into bed and sat there thinking and texting Merry. She's been great these last two days. She gets it, and other don't. Liss is optimistic as usual, but I don't know. She seem a little too much so to be sincere. Ah well. Whatever.
It's odd. When we're on MSN, we talk like we used to. I can still tell him stuff. I can still keep a confidence. And I can almost forget what's changed. But when we see each other in person, it becomes awkward - to me at least. And maybe I don't show it, but it's there. I don't know how to act - how much contact is acceptable? Can I acknowledge what we had - what we have? Can I still bring up little inside jokes? Like I said to Liss earlier, it's almost as if there's a barrier there, only I never know how far I am from it. Does that make sense? It's like I don't know where to draw the line. Because things aren't like they were, no matter how much I wish they could be.
And, you know, now that I've had time to reflect, I can't feel anything but thankful. Not that we broke up, but why we did. He did the right thing by himself and me, and even if he doesn't think he's mature enough to handle it, that very act shows that he is mature to some degree. And all I can really say is 'thank you'. And I'll wait. I'll wait for him to come back.
Although that does have its flip side, as everything in this world does. It means that I don't have that emptiness that was there before. Like now all I've got is hope for the future, a blind faith. And I'll cling to it. I just wish I had something more substantial. Or even something less so that I could be truly miserable like I sometimes want to be. But, you know, the misery won't come. Isn't that horrible? I can't even cry anymore. There's just... Nothing. And I thought I was coping. Ugh.
I guess I'll just take it one day at a time, and try to work out how I feel. That's the key, I suppose. To work out my emotions and get a hold of them. Can't think with your heart all the time, or you just lose all sense of reason. Blegh.
Anyway, I'll leave it here as I can't think of anything more to say that's halfway intelligent. Later all.
Til then,
Lily
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