A Question to the TFF Ladies: Controlling Boyfriends

[Cain Highwind]

No I haven't made a change to my sexual orientation. Just curious.

You see, my older sister has been going out with a guy for a couple years now. At first I thought he was "okay". He seemed like a cool guy. A little quick to brag about his "MAD Martial Arts SKILLZ", a little quick to freak out if he's not with her, but nothing terrible. They eventually moved in to an apartment together.

But lately since about late May, he quit his job and has been "looking" for a job. I use the term loosely because he doesn't put much effort into it at all. Last I heard he went in to an interview for Wal-Mart but I never heard any news since. My sister actually took on a second job to help support them both, while he stays at home mostly lounging around putting on a noticeable amount of weight.

My sister expresses her frustration when I see her at my workplace (yeah that's the ONLY time I see her now, just for a few quick minutes at work). But yet, she still insists that he's 'the one' and they want to get married when "they're ready". They use to come over to my house and we'd have fun hanging out while they'd use my washer and dryer. But eventually *he* didn't want them to visit anymore claiming my house stinks or just didn't want to go. Somehow even if my sister wants to go somewhere, if he doesn't, she doesn't, even though they live within walking distance of my place. I mean just the other day we were talking Anime, how I got a DVD, and she was saying how hard it is to watch Anime on their computer because when he expresses "disinterest" she's practically forced to stop watching it.

When we went to Vegas with our grandparents a few months ago. He "nobly" declined so that he could find a solid job, but then asked to go THE day of the trip because he couldn't stand being without her for 3 DAYS. Even then most of the trip they were ALWAYS talking with each other on the phone.

It kinda sucks, moving out on my own, I "lost" a lot of my high school friends, and while I make friends at work, we somehow never manage to do anything outside of work. So I'm mostly just by myself right now, literally, which is kind of depressing. So my sister is one of my only "friends" right now, and I hardly get to see HER anymore. So my family and I are very worried about her, even her boss from her one job is a little worried he's trying to "cut her off" so that she's exclusively his. While we got along before, he hates my guts now because I called him out on it

Sorry if I'm rambling here. But my questions to the ladies are...

"Have you ever been in a controlled relationship?"

"Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought was SO RIGHT, even though your family disapproved, only later to 'snap out of it' and wondered what you were thinking?"

Guys can answer this too if they have a controlling girlfriend. It strikes me as funny that they talk about this one friend of theirs, Richard, who has this very controlling girlfriend and pretty much does the same things my sister's BF does above, yet they joke about it without seeing the parallels.

[Chez Daja]

Have you ever been in a controlled relationship?
No. But when I was younger I did talk to a boy who used to want to control EVERYTHING... I blocked him soon after. Lolz.

Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought was SO RIGHT, even though your family disapproved, only later to 'snap out of it' and wondered what you were thinking?
Not really. My sister disapproves of my current relationship, but what's new? At least my boyfriend doesn't mooch petrol money off me.
I have thought "what was I thinking?" when in regards to somebody I dated when I was like, 15ish. It's funny, you date the creepiest people when you're a kid.... Hmm...

I hope your sisters' situation improves, Cain.

[Pete]

I've gotta say that the guy is a chump, straight up. He sounds pretty much like trailer trash, given that he couldn't even land a job at WalMart. He also sounds like he's pretty psychotic and possessive, which are really bad things. Plus the whole thing with him not working and her busting her ass at two jobs speaks for itself.

If they do break up, it's gonna be bad. He'll prob become ultra aggressive and wind up trying to physically stop her from kicking him out, or her from leaving. The only thing that will truly wake her up is herself, or if he does something way out of bounds, like cheating or smacking her around. It sucks, but it's true. And the more everyone tries to convince her that he's a ****, the more she'll try to stick up for him, and it'll just become more of a "them against the world" type of scenario. Those are never good.

Unfortunately, she's the only one who will have to see him for what he is, because nobody can really convince her otherwise.

One of my best friends was the same way, sadly. He dated our best friend's cousin, and when he became way too possessive, we called him out on it, she broke up with him (after a good year of bullshit) and he didn't speak with us for 2 whole years. Things are all good now, but he still hates her best friend, claiming that she turned her on him. It was a matter of time, but he's more or less normal again.

At the same time, my ex tried to be very controlling. Aside from being a cheating ho, it's the other main reason I gave her the axe. She'd huff and puff if I didn't take her certain places or if I didn't know where she wanted to go for dinner and such. She'd complain about what I'd eat, and if I was going to drink with friends. If I didn't wear the shirt she wanted me to wear, she'd say something. It was ridiculous, and I'm not one to take orders, so we constantly clashed. Essentially, if I wasn't spending all of my spare time with her and doing exactly as she wanted, I was doing something wrong. The weird thing was that the behavior crept up out of nowhere... or maybe I just started to pick up on it more.

[Rikkuffx]

I would have gotten rid of that guy by now if I was her. I'd want someone who can survive on his own and is independant. Oh well. now to your question,I did have a g uy break up with me cause i'm a virgin and it "freaked" him out...also my recent ex tried to force me into sex and I still said no..and tahst pretty much all he wanted anyway,so yea he was a bit controlling,he said if we had sex it would be official that we were going out of course i said no and a couple days later he texts me and hes like "ist over" he was such a jerk...

[Govinda]

Your sister's not in a good place, Cid. I hope she sees the light soon and gets rid of that scumbag before he goes psycho with his possessiveness, which he probably will do at some point.

I could never be in a relationship like that; but at the same time, that's a very easy thing to say. I've seen strong women brought down by men like your sister's boyfriend; they start by accepting the possessive/jealous thing, and then move into a defensive position where questions about their shitty boyfriend only prompt rationalisations of their behaviour and crap about how it's backward to think that men should pay for everything. Pointing out that having the woman pay for everything is no more forward thinking does nothing.

If your sister started from a position of low self confidence, she probably took the jealousy as a compliment. Women who haven't had too many men or think that their chances of finding a new one should their current relationship end will go to any lengths of inner rationalisation to keep the 'relationship' going, if not alive.

To answer your questions, I've never been with a jealous layabout before, and I've never had a relationship my family didn't approve of.

I have a question for you, if you don't mind - does your sister have friends, and time to see them between her two jobs and her man? Does she get out with the girlies often? If so, it could be in your interests to ask them what they think of the boyfriend. Girly girls can be a powerful tool in a woman's life if you get them on side.

[Hiromi Kikawada]

I have never been in a relationship before...but i think that if you talk with your boyfriend or girlfriend about how you feel then they will listen if they truely love you...does that make sence?

Rikkuffx-san!!!!Your story is so sad...but its okay,Your a good person.^.^
(Hiromi hasn't even had a kiss before yet...)

[Zardoch]

The only advice I can tell you, Cain, is to talk to the guy. Clearly something happened to him before the period of his irresponsibility, but I wouldn't go as far as to call him a scumbag or anything. I mean you might know your sister pretty well, but it's possible she might have done something to push him into this lethargic state. You're not going to get answers by talking to other peoples' friends and such. Only by actually discussing the issue with the boyfriend or both him and your sister. If your sister herself isn't taking any initiative to talk to him about it, then you need to.

So yeah, instead of throwing around wild accusations and assumptions, confront both of them about the issue. Don't just seek to blame someone so quickly.

[Cain Highwind]

I have a question for you, if you don't mind - does your sister have friends, and time to see them between her two jobs and her man? Does she get out with the girlies often? If so, it could be in your interests to ask them what they think of the boyfriend. Girly girls can be a powerful tool in a woman's life if you get them on side.

Well she's had many friends that I've seen but the only one she seems to hang out with lately, at work and outside of it, is her boss at the video store she works at, who I mentioned earlier. She says that she's avoiding confronting him about anything because she kinda figured "guys like him" tend to to get irrational when confronted on their shortcomings. At the same time she said she wants to make sure that he's not cutting ties to her friends, so that's good. Really nice, this young lady.

So yeah, instead of throwing around wild accusations and assumptions, confront both of them about the issue. Don't just seek to blame someone so quickly.

That's the thing I DID, but now while my sister was mad at me at first, quickly got over it, and at least understood where I was coming from, he however didn't and now refuses to come near me ever again, "Making great effort to avoid me in the store" My sister says.

[Zardoch]

Seriously? Hmm, find his ass then, lol. If you can't, push for answers from your sister. If there is anything her version of the truth may seem a bit off, look into it. Otherwise, this relationship is done.

[Phantom]

Well, I'm not a lady, but seeing as I'm gay, I can count in the having a boyfriend department. Note: This thread doesn't have to just apply to Women Cain, just something to keep in mind next time. Thanks

Now Then:

"Have you ever been in a controlled relationship?"

I was dating this one guy a few years ago. We started off great, but as time went on, I noticed that he started becoming more aggresive. And he would always think I was sleeping around with other dudes behind his back. Of course I wouldn't cheat on him, but was just acting weird. We would get into fights as well, but I still cared for him, but it got to the point that enough was enough, plus their were better men out there that would treat me good, so I had to break it off.


"Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought was SO RIGHT, even though your family disapproved, only later to 'snap out of it' and wondered what you were thinking?"

Like I said in the last paragraph, it was with that guy. My mom of course was against me and him but that was years ago, she's (alittle) more accepting now. I loved him, but had enough of the abuse, so I left. It was the smart thing to do.


Cain, I believe your sister could do better then her current boyfriend. Continuing on the track she's on will most likely lead to heartbreak or worse. For her benefit, sit her down and have a long talk with her, and explain that their are better dudes in the river of life, dont settle for trash.

[Priscilla]

I think you should really talk to your sister and explain things from your point of view. It's hard to see things that are happening when you are the one involved.

Have you ever been in a controlling relationship before?

Yes. When I was 13 I started dating an 17 year old boy. He was ohkay at first. I dated him until I was 16. So I did a lot of changing and growing up in that time. During that time, if I had a problem, he would make me talk about it to him and no one else. If I was at work he would call to make sure I was there, when I finished he would call to make sure I was home. I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys. If I had free time he planned ways for me to sneak over to his house. When I was 14 he was planning ways for us to get married. He would always say things to me like how he needed me and he would kill himself if I ever left him.. which really got to me when I was 14 so I felt like I had to stay. He told me how I felt and how I should feel, he made my decisions and my choices for me. Anyway, I don't want to go into it any more then that.

Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought was SO RIGHT, even though your family disapproved, only later to 'snap out of it' and wondered what you were thinking?

Yes. They didn't like him. I guess I thought it was not so much right.. but the best thing for me because he loved me and he told me no one else would ever love me. So I stayed. When I broke up with him though.. which was very hard. I did wake up and see what was truely happening.

[winterborn86]

"Have you ever been in a controlled relationship?"

My current partner tries to be controlling but I don't always let him. Sometimes I will be the one in control and I will fight to get what I want and he wont get a say, and other times I just cant be bothered cos we clash over so many things I just backdown to shut him up.

"Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought was SO RIGHT, even though your family disapproved, only later to 'snap out of it' and wondered what you were thinking?"

It's funny this thread is here cos only the other day my dad was telling me how I could do so much better than the guy I'm with now, My whole family tells me I can do better. In a way I believe I probably could do better than him but I just cant be bothered to go through the hassle of breaking up and finding someone new.
I did open my eyes to what a crap relationship I was in and we split up last year. He gave me so much crap over it, always calling and slagging me off, sending texts saying how he wish me and my lil girl were dead other texts threatening to go to the social and have her taken away from me, hanging around outside my front door banging on it for hours on end. It lasted for about 6months and then he changed and we tried again after him swearing he will be a better boyfriend, which lasted a couple of months then he went back to his childish, selfish , cheating ways again and apart if me do want to break up with him cos im a better person without him but I cant be bothered to deal with the crap again.

[Nocturne]

Only thing I will say on the subject now since Im busy is that, if you are in a relationship and you want to go out and hang out with someone of the opposite sex, thats bullshit. I dont care either way. If you are a guy, dont go hang out with another girl, or if you are a girl, dont go hang out with another guy. All it does is cause problems for a few reasons.

One because of how people flirt with people today which sickens me since they have no regard for relationships. And because the people doing that flirting will say they are just joking around, which is bullshit too since if you really care for someone, you wouldnt be flirting with someone else in the first place.

[Victoria]

I honestly don't know what thought process that comes from, but not everyone flirts all the damn time to every single person of the opposite gender they see.

We're entitled to have friends of any gender. If your mate gets jealous of such, that's not your problem. That's their problem and you probably shouldn't be with them to begin with.

Your mate should be just as close knit as your other friends and should mostly be included in group outings, because you would have similar friends.

But that's just my take on it.

[ChloChloAriadne]

"Have you ever been in a controlled relationship?"
Most relationships I've been in have been very controlled. Thing is, and I'll probably get some bad thanks for this, but I prefer to be in a controlled relationship. I guess I'm old-fashioned. I want a guy to be possessive of me. I generally want to be under his control. I like being ordered around, and I like belonging to a guy.

Strangely enough, when I'm in a relationship with a girl I'm nothing like that. I can't stand being controlled by somebody my own gender o_o. I suppose that seems quite sexist, but it's just how I naturally am.

So, yes. But I love it.

"Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought was SO RIGHT, even though your family disapproved, only later to 'snap out of it' and wondered what you were thinking?"

Nopes.

[Chez Daja]

Your sister's not in a good place, Cid. I hope she sees the light soon and gets rid of that scumbag before he goes psycho with his possessiveness, which he probably will do at some point.

Exactly. Over a vague assessment, I realised that most woman who like being controlled are those that have very low self esteem, don't have any self respect or aren't often good friends with the person they're in a relationship with. That said, I was like that when I was fourteen or fifteen (so still only a child, but I'm using it as an example), and that was because my boyfriend at the time had taken days of ignoring me or not letting me know where he was or if he was okay. Nobody wants to be in a relationship like that, so I think I let him control me for a while in hopes that he might treat me better.
I also find that it's younger men that like to have girls to control. I don't know a single guy who enjoys being depended on and likes to control their girlfriend who is over the age of nineteen (again this is out of people I know, and know of), except for men that have serious problems... anybody who has a normal slate of health and is a man and likes to control a girl is just a creep (or was seriously bullied as a child) and that's all there is to it.

Cain, has your sisters' problem improved?

[Govinda]

Only thing I will say on the subject now since Im busy is that, if you are in a relationship and you want to go out and hang out with someone of the opposite sex, thats bullshit. I dont care either way. If you are a guy, dont go hang out with another girl, or if you are a girl, dont go hang out with another guy. All it does is cause problems for a few reasons.

One because of how people flirt with people today which sickens me since they have no regard for relationships. And because the people doing that flirting will say they are just joking around, which is bullshit too since if you really care for someone, you wouldnt be flirting with someone else in the first place.

Calm down, buddy. If my boyfriend ever asked me to stop seeing my male friends, I'd lose the place. I don't flirt with everything that moves.

You sound recently spurned. Flirting a little bit with someone doesn't mean you don't love your current partner. I'll admit, I can be a shameless flirt when the mood takes me, because it's fun. However, there is a clear and absolute line between that and not caring for my boyfriend. I love him, and he knows that. He understands that I, for instance, flirt with Tie Rack Guy and he doesn't really care. If I ever actually touch, as in hug, Tie Rack Guy the playing field will change completely and my boyfriend would, as he has every right to, be a bit pissed.

He will continue, however, to wish death threats upon my male friends and the Airport Love Interest when we're alone, and I let him vent. But he'd never tell me not to see them, or to start charging Tie Rack Guy for change bags. 'Why don't you go and marry that stupid gay friend of yours,' is one of his favourite jibes.

Sorry, that went on a bit. Your post got to me. Don't know why.

[Chez Daja]

Okay, WHAT? WHO IS THIS TIE RACK MAN?! And you're still with that Evan?!

/CONTROLCONTROLCONTROL


I think implying everybody who talks to somebody of the opposite sex has an ulterior motive is a little dumb. I would encourage people not to give their partners a reason for suspicision, but to stop sombody from having friends will totally destroy your relationship. I think it's okay to encourage people to steer clear of junkies or dangerous individuals, but that's probably one of the only situations you can apply that to.

That said, I think introductions to each others' friends help to maintain a better understanding of each others' social group. I introduced my boyfriend to my friends and vice versa and we all get along pretty well and nobody is suspicious or upset with anybodies' choice of friends.

[OceanEyes28]

I admit, that post is a little frightening to me too. I get along really well with guys and have some wonderful male friends who see me as just that: a friend. When I was dating Daniel, there were several female friends that he'd go hang out with. But it was all good because we knew there would be no cheating going on. We loved each other immensely and had a lot of trust to rely on. Sure, either of us might do a little harmless flirting to keep our damn sanity, but there was nothing to be concerned about. Being in a relationship is not worth giving up a lot of my good friends. I'll just go date someone who isn't insecure.

Cid, this dude sounds like a freak. I hope your sister wakes up to that soon.

"Have you ever been in a controlled relationship?"
Nope. Lucky for me, I've never come across a guy like that who would want to ask me out. I'm usually able to scare them off early.

"Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought was SO RIGHT, even though your family disapproved, only later to 'snap out of it' and wondered what you were thinking?"
Not that I know of.

[Rocky]

"Have you ever been in a controlled relationship?"

Yeah, I actually got to do the controlling back when I was in high school. This girl told me she was only happy when she was being controlled like her boyfriend, like she was my property or something. At first I thought this was going to be awesome, but from then on it quickly spiraled downward into a bunch of awkwardness and stupidity. One of our conversations while I was talking to some friends in between classes.

Her: *gets up and has a pissed look on her face* "I'm leaving now."
Me: "Oh, okay then."
Her: "Don't you wanna know where I'm going?"
Me: "Um, where are you going?"
Her: "I'm going to the lunchroom."
Me: "...kthxbye." [/facepalm]

Maybe I was doing it wrong, I don't know, but I had to deal with this stuff on a daily basis. Not only that, but by her wanting me to control her, in a way she was actually controlling me, so it set the mood for all kinds of reverse psychology BS and plot twists that you would only see in like the Bourne series. Anywho, after about 3 months of dating this woman, I dropped her quite quickly, and we both went on our merry ways. I hold nothing against her and wish her the best, but that relationship was just too strange for me on a daily basis for me to keep up.

"Have you ever been in a relationship that you thought was SO RIGHT, even though your family disapproved, only later to 'snap out of it' and wondered what you were thinking?"

Hmm, not really. I think I've learned quite a few things about either myself or others that made the dating with said girl at least worthwhile. And, I don't think my parents have ever disapproved of a single girl that I brought home in the slightest; they're pretty supportive of who I see, and they know that I like to pick the winners, at least most of the time anyways

And on the flirting sidenote, that just seems like such a grey area that it can't really be controlled at times. I know sometimes I am friendly to female coworkers and offer assistance to them at times, and to some, that may seem like flirting. And as a self-rule, I only flirt with people I feel comfortable around, or if they made the first move back I will typically playfully respond so they don't see me as a douche. I don't flirt with people that I don't know, and my girlfriends are comfortable enough to know that I am with them and no one else. Sure, yeah I can get jealous at times if someone is flirting with my girlfriend and all, but then I put myself in their shoes and realize they get that a lot. It's all about the cognitive complexity. Besides, all the girls that I've been in relationships have been dangerously beautiful, so in a way it's kinda helped mellow out my jealousy a lot anyways.