1. What’s a question you’re afraid to ask? To whom?
I'm afraid to ask Barney where he hid the bodies.
2. What’s something you hide about your personality?
I'm a fairly flamboyant homosexual.
3. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with?
Some people think of me as a rapist. I respectfully disagree.
4. How do you deal with criticism?
I don't. I have a friend named Barney who deals with criticism for me.
9. Which fictional character would you most like to have lunch with and why?
Darth Vader, because how the hell does he eat?
10. Who would you say is your “anti” role model? Someone who serves as a warning rather than an inspiration?
Beyonce Knowles. I know this is a strange answer coming from me, but I'm honestly being dead serious. She's a feminist, which is fine, and she preaches a message about equality between the sexes, while simultaneously dancing on a strip pole while wearing no pants. She is not a good role model for any young women. The only thing she teaches is to use sex to sell yourself, to have no respect, and to preach a hypocritical message.
11. What colour and/or kind of underwear eg.boxers, briefs etc are you wearing right now?
Under Armour Boxer Jocks, which are the single most comfortable underwear I've ever owned. They are so comfortable that I refuse to wear any other kind. My problem was always support for my junk, and I always found that regular cotton underwear lost its shape about midway through the day. Under Armour doesn't.
12. What’s one of the most difficult things you’ve ever had to do?
I had to take this really massive dump one time, but the poo was so compacted in my colon that it refused to come out. I guess that's my punishment for eating so many bagels, but I just can't help it. Bagels are good.
13. If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
Americium, because America is the best place on earth.
14. What’s the most infuriating thing your parents (or caregiver) do?
Borrow $1,500 without paying it back.
15. Which Disney Princess do you most identify with and why? Which is your favourite and why? And yes- ANYONE can answer this question.
Pocahontas, because we both wear skintight buckskin dresses.
16. You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?
I would use a napkin and shout "You stink. Go away."
17. What did you think about before you fell asleep last night?
I don't think. I let Barney do my thinking for me.
19. What motivates you in life?
Dancing.
20. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?
I used to enjoy doing crack, but burning out and hitting rock bottom really ruined that.
21. How do you think you will fare when the Zombie Apocalypse arrives?
I should be alright. I've seen The Walking Dead. All I have to do is act like the people from that show. I should show no emotion, have no character development, and be generally boring and generic. I got that in the bag, man.
22. Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? And if you could be any mythological creature, which would you want to be? Why?
I'm most like a cyclops, except I have two eyes instead of one. If I could choose to be any mythological creature, I would be a great white shark. I would swim around in the ocean and eat fish.
23. Write a brief story about an actual adventure you’ve had.
One time I got lost in the woods, and there was a bee hive and birds, and cell phone reception was really bad. Then I found my way out.
24. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.
Any time I'm around my female coworkers and they randomly start talking about sex. I have no idea why women have to be so filthy. None of the guys I work with talk about anything even remotely related to sex.
25. What’s something that scares you about the future?
The fact that we're still reliant on fossil fuels, despite that it lowers air quality and is a nonrenewable resource. Why not use solar energy? A natural resource that would get renewed every single day.
Also, people don't recycle. That pisses me off. A lot of people don't respect nature and animals, and people who do are generally criticized for some illogical unknown reason. I can't count how many times I've been called a tree hugger, which is ironic, because I have literally never hugged a tree in my life. Nor would I. Trees are crawling with insects. I don't want bugs on me. That's gross.
28. Do you have any “rules” about food?
If you're eating meat, cook the damn thing. If it's not well done, it's not cooked enough. Eating meat that isn't cooked enough is one way that people can get food poisoning, and I refuse to go through that shit again.
31. How do you approach social situations?
With my eyes to the exit.
32. What is your ideal bed?(Up to interpretation) Why?
A tempurpedic mattress. I can get five hours of sleep on one of those, and it feels like I've been asleep for a full eight hours.
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