Unknown Entity's Poems

[Unknown Entity]

Hiya! I thought i could post a few of my poems here... please tell me what you think of them!

I can take constuctive critism, by the way, so don't feel you have to be really nice, lol!

*

I was frozen in time,
But now i feel as if my time is just beginning.
I look at you and want you to be mine,
Although, i don’t appear to be winning.

You make me feel great,
And even more, you make me feel wanted.
I know i haven’t always been a great mate,
But you are all i’ve ever needed...

So, i’m sorry the things i say,
Aren’t always what you want to hear.
But please, please make me pay!
I don’t want the end to be this near...

[Unknown Entity]

Life, death and depression...

Life is way too short to live the same day twice,
‘Cos one day we’re all gonna pay the ultimate price.
There is so much that this life lacks,
And mine is defiantly missing stacks.
I follow life’s rules every day,
But soon, I’m gonna find new rules to play...

Life is a big, unfair cheat,
That treats us all like a rotting piece of meat.
And death is a dirty, big-time thief,
Who takes life away as easily as wind to a leaf.
Life doesn’t like death, and death doesn’t like life,
They both endlessly stab each other in the back with a knife.

What? You think I’m depressed?
For starters, too many people I know have been put to rest.
And when I think of them, I feel a beating in my chest.
I’m gonna stop before this turns into a row,
Although nothing I said here was in anyway foul.
So – still think I’m depressed? What do you think now?

[Unknown Entity]

I wrote this one when i was in year 8, so i would of been around 13-14 years old... enjoy!

The Hollywood Sign.

It’s been 1000 years since I last came,
Back in the day when Hollywood was all fame.
I couldn’t wait to see the Hollywood sign.

I saw people, who had died long ago,
All buried under the ice and snow.
Celebrities with lots of gold,
Celebrities both young and old.
Their faces as white as milk,
The females wearing expensive silk.

Then something came to mind:
“Where is the Hollywood sign?
Maybe its behind.”
I turned around, but...

It was not there?
I looked down once – not twice,
And saw it under me in the ice...

[Unknown Entity]

The Way I Feel...

I love the feelings of things always being new,
Which is why i want to be with you.
Everyday would be a different story,
And i'd kiss you and feel all the glory...
So please hear my pleas -
I'll even get down on my knees!
I will beg until my heart goes blue,
And tell you i just want to be with you...

[Unknown Entity]

Wanting to be with you

I did have a warm heart;
Now its f***ed and falling apart.
I wish i could be with you,
With feelings as if they were new.

Deep down inside me,
I knew it wasn't to be.
Our love would never last,
Teaching us not to move so fast.

Even from the first day we met,
I hoped i'd never forget,
Your charming ways,
And hoped we would last more than just days.

But one thing is for sure,
I think of it as my cure,
I love the way you make me feel;
It's the only way i know you're mine for real...

[Chez Daja]

The problem I sense here is that you try too hard to rhyme things and it results in what could only be described as ... near-terrible writing. I see creativity here that has been stumped by the need of wanting to create rhymes that roll off the tongue. You focus on your first line and make the next one up as you go along, or at least, that's the vibe I'm getting off of these poems.

Poems don't necessarily have to rhyme all of the time.

The rushing is seen in more places than one, but here's an example...

Even from the first day we met,
I hoped i'd never forget,
Your charming ways,
And hoped we would last more than just days.

Although I'm not keen on your choice of wording anyway, the first two lines are too short to match with the last two.

The Hollywood Sign is probably the one I'd favour most out of all of these... I think with a little work and a little thought of how to better your usage of words, you could improve a Hell of a lot. I tire of reading these teenaged angst love poems because they're so very over-used. If that's your thing, then fair enough, but I really think you need to reconsider some of the wording in these. I definately don't think you're beyond help, so forgive me if that's how this message is coming across. I just think it'd be cool if you sat back and read them over a few times. You might see my point, you might not.

That's my opinion, take it or leave it.

[ChloChloAriadne]

The problem I sense here is that you try too hard to rhyme things.

Actually, that's the first thing I thought ><.

I don't actually think the subject matter/content and length are all that bad in any way.. But yeah, as Chez said it basically feels like you're struggling to find words that rhyme a bit, and to me it just made the whole thing read kind of.. Awkwardly. The rythm in them just didn't seem quite right or something..

If the poem doesn't want to rhyme when you're writing it, don't make it. It'll improve it alot.

[Unknown Entity]

Thanks guys! I knew my friends where being too nice about them, lol! Yeah, i guess you are right about the rhyming... it is kinda stupid, really...

Well thanks for helping me out!

[Chez Daja]

Thanks guys! I knew my friends where being too nice about them, lol! Yeah, i guess you are right about the rhyming... it is kinda stupid, really...

Well thanks for helping me out!

I didn't mean stupid, so please don't think I was trying to be a total bitch. But it's a little rushed. Like I say, you could definately improve vastly if you just read over them a few times and thought "hey, maybe I could take this bit out and add this instead", etc.

[Unknown Entity]

I totally understand, and I don't think you are a total bitch, lol! (I did say i could take constructive critism). I just thought it sounded stupid when i went over them again, thats all... And you are right - they do need alot of improving. Thats why i posted them to see what other people thought. If i had showed then to one of my teachers at school, they would of lied and just said they were excellent and stuff like that, - because they know me. See, if post here, total strangers to me will read them, and just tell the truth, cos they don't know me, - and thats what i like.

Now, i will take your advise and make them better, - you gave me advise that my teachers wouldn't give, lol!

[Unknown Entity]

Ok, this poem took me about... 5 mins to write - I have two witnesses, lol! it really took me 5 mins, and it does need improvement, - I just need to know where... Can you guys help me?

"Back up to the castle to sit on the thrones,
Away from the battle field where I dance on their bones.
Towards the land which is full of sorrow and pain,
Back to the place where it rains a never endding rain.

I lay on the slab and wipe my blood thirsty blade,
Doing all my rituals for my next rage plaged raid.
To torture those who settle and those who are sad,
And to reward those with black hearts and those who are bad.

You see, I'm a lycan traveller with no one beside me.
I have been to places you would never dare to see.
Where I can cover myself in my mysterious ways...
You know it baby, its this kind of life that pays!"

[quote] The problem I sense here is that you try too hard to rhyme things.[/qoute]

I know - this one rhymes too, and I'm guessing I'm not that good at it, and I know poems don't HVE to rhyme, but... I couldn't help it. What can I say? I like rhythm lol!

[loner-kid]

i think that worked better than some of your others the rhyming's fairly fluid i think the only thing that could be improved is playing around with the rhythm to get the best affect