Quote Originally Posted by Chez Daja View Post
The problem I sense here is that you try too hard to rhyme things.
Actually, that's the first thing I thought ><.

I don't actually think the subject matter/content and length are all that bad in any way.. But yeah, as Chez said it basically feels like you're struggling to find words that rhyme a bit, and to me it just made the whole thing read kind of.. Awkwardly. The rythm in them just didn't seem quite right or something..

If the poem doesn't want to rhyme when you're writing it, don't make it. It'll improve it alot.