Building a relationship when there's no physical attraction?

[Sean]

So I'm a little (a lot) drunk at the moment so pardon me if I come off as harsh in any way whatsoever. That's not my intention in the least.

So I met a girl via the internet. We chatted online, then moved to texting, then talking.... the day after she gave me her number, we actually met up at this country ass nightclub that I've been to before, pre-21, and absolutly hated. I hated it just as much this time, but at least I was able to buy $1 domestic longnecks this time.

She invited me out, and I knew what she looked like - in the face, via her pictures - but no idea what to expect otherwise.

Long story short, I just don't find her very attractive. That's not to say I'm extremely picky, nor am I exactly looking for a super model-esque girl to date, and I don't necessarily think my standards are high. Obviously that would be retarded considering I don't view myself as all that attractive in the first place, but I digress....

The dilemma comes in the form of the fact that I really like who she is as a person. It's been awhile since I've cliqued with someone so well and we share a lot of the same mentalities/world views/interests.

I'm not really too sure if it's possible for me to actually attempt to pursue this further than just a girl I've "dated a couple times" into a potential, and maybe very possible, relationship, simply based on the fact that I don't look at her and go "wow.. she's really pretty/cute/attractive/sexy/insert word here"

I mean... most of her physical appearance is obviously able to be based on her lifestyle choices. I, myself, am not the most athletic or un-lazy person, I'm a pretty lazy bastard at home on my days off, but I at least attempt to eat properly and am always, at the very least, conscience of what I'm ingesting into my body and I do exercise whenever the opportunity arises (weather permitting)

I suppose this makes me vain, but I also think about what my friends, ect, would think if I were seen with said person because of their unattractiveness.

I've been down this path in the past, but I didn't like the last person nearly as much, and I kind of blew it off and moved on.

So I suppose the point of this entire post is the following question...

What are your views on attempting to build a relationship when everything else seems right except for the lack of a physical attraction on one person's end?


Note: Yes, I know, I type pretty well for being drunk, but only if you knew how many times I've hit the backspace button while typing this....

[Furore]

The question really is whether or not you like her enough to not give a damn how she looks I think?
If that's it, it's a pure judgement call, noone can answer on your behalf, but look at what you want in a companion. I feel if I were to click with the right person, none of the physical attraction stuff would matter so much. Granted it could quite probably cause a fair problems, but it'd work.

Think about how you really feel, and consider her and her feelings too.

[Priscilla]

Everyone is going to look unattractive one day. So even if you choose a beautiful girl, one day she will have grey hair and saggy boobs. No sex appeal there. In the end it is up to you to decide what kind of partner you are interested in. A pretty one where you don't click or one who isn't as pretty but you get along better with.

If you truely like her you will see past her appearance or see that she is beautiful just the way she is.

[Zardoch]

What are your views on attempting to build a relationship when everything else seems right except for the lack of a physical attraction on one person's end?

It's a hard decision a lot of people have trouble going through when it comes to choosing someone who you are attracted to both physically and mentally. Most of the time you get one or the other, but only lucky sons of bitches can get both.

But anyway, from one of my best relationships I had in the past was with a girl that was quite average or a little under when it came to looks. It actually took me awhile to get use to them and the best thing was truly how well she and I clicked together quite well. In fact, I was quite happy too so if anything I truly was able to get past her looks, though she wasn't chubby or big at all [145 lbs. and about 5'7" and well balanced honestly].

So if anything dude, if you truly click with the chick to that you can forget it's a date and you're out with a friend, that's great. By tolerating it you'll begin to even forget that you were not attracted to her at all. Sort of like you're craving something one week [I.E. Food], but once the week goes by without it, it slips your mind and you move on. Something likes this takes time and if you think you might be able to build a relationship with it, stick to it and see how well it goes. Love isn't found in a day or a week or a month, it's found over a good amount of time.

Furthermore, being able to stay so long with a girl like that shows that you've matured in your experience with relationships which can lead to a greater happiness. If you can tolerate the other person for months on end without pulling your hair out, you might just got yourself a wife.

[Fluffy]

I think a question that arises in my mind is, to what degree do you not find her attractive? Do you think she looks not exactly "good looking" but at least okay? Or quite the opposite of attractive? And just how well do you get along with this person?

If "everything else seems right" and she looks at least "okay" but not necessarily "good" then I honestly think it could have a good chance of working out. Also, if weight is the primary problem here, which seems to possibly be what it sounds like, though I could be wrong, maybe that could change.

Also, giving her a chance, getting to know her better, you may come to either not mind her physical appearance, or may notice things you didn't before. I find there are a lot of things of the physical nature that go unnoticed at first glance. It isn't until you take a deeper look and look past what you don't really like that you may find other things that you do.

If you find her "unattractive" (negative) as opposed to "not attractive" (neutral), then I would say that it's quite likely it wouldn't be a good idea to pursue anything. I think the chances of being unhappy in such a situation are pretty high. But if you find her physical appearance neutral, I think it's worth giving her a chance.

And by all means, if she's an awesome person, I'd say at least be friends. Personally, I go with "friends first" when it comes to romantic relationships. Maybe through your friendship you may develop something more.

(Note: I say "her" in all of this in response to Sean, but I don't mean to be gender specific. This is how I feel about all cases, not just Sean's, and not just towards the female gender.)

[Sean]

indeed so, weight is the primary thing here, I suppose I didn't make that very clear.

Obviously I'm not the thinnest guy in the world, but in such... extreme... cases, with the opposite sex (i.e. bigger than I via height-weight ratio) then... yeah.


And I wouldn't say she's neutral, it's pretty much complete unattraction.

[Walter Sobchak]

If its complete unattraction, there is no future. Don't try to be a nice guy about it. Relationships aren't supposed to be forced. Pack up and run Sean!

[Chez Daja]

Friends only, I guess?

When you got to the bedroom, could you really look at her and think "wow, I'm really happy I'm with this girl right now." Would you even want to look down (or up, or whatever position it is), at her face?

Or is it a doggy style only thing you're thinking?

The point is, sex doesn't happen if people aren't attracted to each other. Not good sex anyway, which is what I'm assuming... Looks are something. Personality is something else.

I wouldn't want to date somebody resembling a troll..... would YOU? (Well, I guess that's the point of the thread, I just like I emphasize. )

[OceanEyes28]

If you find her completely unattractive, it would be a little unfair of you to date her anyway.

As a girlfriend myself, I know there are days when I feel gross and I need some reassurance. When Daniel tells me I'm gorgeous, it helps that I can believe him. It helps that he can look at me and say that and really mean it.

It's not a good feeling when you realize the person you're with doesn't find you pretty.

If you can't be attracted to her, you may end up hurting her.

But hey, maybe you two can become good friends and start a workout plan or something. It's really up to you, Sean, but I won't lie to you and say that personality is all that matters. It may be more important, but in my opinion, you need to want her for it to be more than a friendship.

[Yuki-onna]

Quite honestly, I've always said looks don't matter, but they really do.

I'd be more inclined to be attracted to someone solely because they're pretty than only because of their good wit. I'm not trying to be mean, and I know it seems shallow, but it's just the truth. Relationships I indulge in are when there's an attraction to both physical and personality.

I've had relationships with people who I found attractive but didn't have much of a personality, but I haven't been with someone I thought had a great mind but a not so great look (to my taste, anyway). So far, however. I can't say this would never change or anything...but to this day, that's how it's been. I'm young, and rash, and I like the ass.

[ChloChloAriadne]

I've actually started alot of relationships where there's little-no physical attraction, to tell the truth.

My whole life I've been far more physically attracted to girls, so much that for years I actually thought I was gay.. The only problem is that's kind of awkward is I get along a hell of a lot better with guys XD. I've had maybe one or two semi-serious relationships with girls.. But I had the opposite problem to you there, there really wasn't any emotional attraction at all.

I find that I have a massive emotional attraction to guys, though.. And after a while the physical attraction is far more apparent. I can't just see a guy in the street or in a magazine and think "wow, he's hot". Never have. I really have to know the guy first for any physical attraction to be apparant.

So.. Point being, what if this is the case with you? I think maybe you should wait it out a bit and see if you do develop a physical attraction for her?

I think that.. Looks don't matter all that much, but if it's actually unbearable, as in you can't stand being with her and her look really distracts you from her personality, then it might not be worth it, and it's not fair to her, either.

[Pete]

The way I see it, we're all relatively young here. There's no need to be looking for "the one," or any of that stuff. Just go out and have some fun. If you don't think she's attractive, then don't bother; that's how I look at things. Granted, beer goggles have occasionally led to some poor life choices, but that's also life. Find someone who makes you happy and doesn't make you go "what the hell was I thinking?" when you wake up in bed next to them.

Essentially, you know you have something good when:
-you don't care about being seen with them in public
-you enjoy talking with them and having meaningful conversations
-you find them attractive, since believe it or not, sex does play a role in things

and that's all I've got.

[Maridia]

I figure if you don't think of their looks but in the end is nice, it might not go too great. If you want to be with someone you'de have to think they're good looking. I mean it sounds rude but it's true. Ask yourself when you've hit on an "ugly" person. You don't, you always would go for someone you think looks good. I figure if you don't think she's the best but she grows on you then be happy with her, but know you'll have to be happy too. You can't go trying to better deal her as long as another person comes around, if that's the case save the headache and stop the relationship here and now.

[Meier Link]

heck try the friend approach and see if anything evolves out of it. since you just met her it doesnt mean that you guys have to hook up. if you go this way you can see if anything actually develops, if not you will prolly get a good friend out of the deal instead of an enemy. obviously your having doubts before you have even really dated her. go out as friends a few times and run with what ever feeling you truely get. no need to rush a senario. maybe her unique look will grow on you and something great will come of it... sorry i suck at advice haha

[Govinda]

I've always seen that if you like a person enough, you can look past their features. Half of the girls I've seen fall head over heels for men who are, frankly, not that great, think they're great and super hot just because of the things they say and the way they carry themselves. But at the same time, these relationships don't seem to last long at all.

I'm not that attractive, but my boyfriend seems to think I am; but here's the weird part. He didn't think my face or my body were anything special until he started talking to me. Then, all of a sudden, I became the most beautiful woman in the world to him. I still don't get it (but I still think it's really cool, haha).

But if talking to this girl hasn't made you think WHOA CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, then leave it. Finding your other half attractive physically as well as mentally is a big big thing. If you think she's special enough that one day you might be able to see past how she looks, then maybe run with it for a little bit; but it sounds like you've run with it for long enough and not found that special spark, so perhaps now it's unlikely that you'll find it at all. All in all, she sounds like she'd make a good friend.

[Merlin]

Lets look past physical appearance for a moment and think about what it does to the inside of your body and to your significant other when you are moderately to severely overweight: Being overweight means you will have heart problems, leg and feet damage often leading to permanent mobility problems, diabetes(the worst version, which leads to amputation, etc), and eventual early death. Not only that, overweight people are a financial burden not only because of their medical problems which are easily solvable by exercise and dieting, but also the grocery bill. Hell, even your fuel economy will be worse. You might think that is sick, but its straight to the point and true. The more weight inside your vehicle, the worse your fuel economy is. Its simple physics. It would only be noticeable in someone severely overweight though.

I'm not a picky person, but I've always found moderately to severely overweight people unattractive not because of their appearance but because frankly, I don't want to start dating someone who I know will live a short and miserable life. Its a lot different once you're married to someone. If I was married to someone and she contracted cancer, hell no I wouldn't leave her. That's a totally different ball game. I'm talking about square one. People who are moderately to severely overweight have a lot of baggage. There's a reason they are overweight. "I like food" is an excuse. People do not gorge themselves because food is good. A few do, but most do not.

Its a red flag. I don't care how nice the person is or how well we "click". Until I figure out the source of that problem, I wouldn't date the person. That isn't shallow at all, its a simple part of life. Do you want to date someone for years and find out that they've been medicating for some severe mental problem that they never told you about and come off their meds and change into their "real" self? Do you realize how devastating that is emotionally? Its a train wreck.

There's always a fine line with everything. If she's simply being a lazy bum, make it a date and go to the gym. People are more willing to do something together than by themselves, especially exercise. But, if its something deeper than that, you better damn well figure it out before you go further. Otherwise, you're stepping on a land mine. That goes for any relationship, regardless of appearance.

[Sean]

I know exactly what you're talking about Merlin. I've seen it multiple times how overweight people get simply due to being 100% lazy.

I took this one girl on a date to the City Museum, which is basically an over-sized playground for adults, and it's a ****ton of fun crawling through all these caves and whatnot, but apparently that was "the most exercise she had had in months." and after that the only thing should could talk about was where she wanted to go for food.

needless to say the night ended very young and I stopped talking to her after that. >.>;

I guess it's a real un attraction that's beyond physical for me (after thinking/talking about it more) to people who are like that... because they are in that condition because of personal and lifestyle choices.


Anyways, thanks for the insight guys. I appreciate it. The night after I made that post I woke up and pretty much had made up my mind, when I was sober and in a clear state of mind.

[psychosyd]

Quite honestly, I've always said looks don't matter, but they really do.

I think that about sums it up. You need to start with some level of physical attractiveness. It should not be the whole relationship, but it has to be there.

That means a few things though... and here is why I say that

Everybody has different taste in what they find attractive. I think that is generally well accepted. Not every guy likes thin blondes with blue eyes and barbie proportions. So in remembering that we really should all look for what we feel is attractive. If you don't love looking at her face, conversations will forever be awkward.

But, I also want to bring the other side that it does put a responsibility on us all to keep ourselves at a level of good physical attractiveness. It does not mean we all need to take up surfing to have the sun salt bleached blond hair and cut abs... but we need to take care of ourselves. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but we should do what we can to simply be in good form. We should be comfortable with our appearance and strive for some level of... normal weight? (For lack of a better term). Everybody is genetically different so that normal weight varies, as does the size. A couple of my roommates are bigger fellows, but they are trying to take care of themselves, simply being intelligent about eating and not being total couch potatoes and they are just fine.

Me personally... I am somewhat vain with my choices, but I think I have an entitlement to it as well. I try to stay very active and keep in shape, as well as watch what I eat, so I want to be with a girl who does the same. My girlfriend perfectly meets what I am looking for.

Now, to wrap up, physical attractiveness should be the start, but it should be just that... the START to a relationship. There is so much more at stake... you can't found a relationship off looks alone and expect it to be deep and lasting

[Rinoa.Heartilly]

I'll be honest. I'm not a vain person, but having a romantic relationship requires SOME sort of physical attraction. In terms of conventional beauty, I believe that a aesthically beautiful woman with no self-confidence is less sexy than a less atrractive woman with confidence. Chances are if they have confidence, they will take care of themselves, be healthier, and have a healthier lifestyle.

Some are blessed with extrordinary good looks (Hayden Christensten for example), but really have nothing else to them (like how Hadyen Christensten can't act to save a dying orphan).

Personally, if I don't find someone repulsive, it is possible for me to maybe date them. I believe if two people truly have that special chemistry, its very easy to overlook imperfections. I dated a guy that I had no physical attraction to whatsoever. We had some awesome chemistry though, and really that was my longest lasting relationship. If I had a choice he'd be dark hair, tan skinned, dark eyes, and toned.

I belive what you've found is someone who you can be best friends with, but you have no chemistry.

[Pete]

I feel like if you're not physically attracted, it can more or less ruin things completely. Case in point, a few weeks ago I got hammered at a party and wound up hooking up with a girl with a decent face and huge ta-ta's. I thought it was great... and then I sobered up. Few days later she texts me to go out for coffee, and I was greatly mistaken when I saw her again sober. Even though we had a lot in common, at least according to the 15 minutes we talked for prior to hooking up, and based on facebook, I was completely turned off by what I saw.

Of course, it turns out she was a level 5 clinger, so I'm done dealing with her.


Case in point, as much fun as being drunk can be, it can lead to serious repercussions and bad decisions... especially when she doesn't know what she's doing with her hands, which leads to an excruciating shower the next morning.

[vevuxking102]

What's the point in starting a relationship if you are not attracted to the person? Isn't that the point of the relationship?

[Rainbow4vr]

"Case in point, as much fun as being drunk can be, it can lead to serious repercussions and bad decisions..."Pete



ohhh i fully agree....i have had a few of those bad situations which is why i always drink with friends and all of them have to approve before i take a girl home (and at least one of them is completely sober)