FFVII: Sephiroth's secret son

**Noctis Lucis Caelum** · 09-17-2009, 07:05 PM

now this is my first fan fan fiction tell me what you think.

chapter I

One day there was a storm at Sephiroth's home and there was a knock at his door when he went to see who it was there was a baby in a basket in the door step he took in the baby and raised him as his own. He named the baby Sephiroth Jr. and as he grew he trained him as hard as he could and treated him as if he was his own son. One day,(after 10yrs pass), at the dinner table Sephiroth Jr. asks his father,"why do you fight for Shinra father?" Sephiroth takes another bite of his food then answers,"The reason I fight for Shinra is the people we fight against want to destroy Shinra. All Shinra wants to do is give people more comfortable lives, but they think Shinra is evil so we fight for them. you understand now?" Sephiroth Jr. thinks it over for a couple of minutes and says,"I think I do. Now I want to be apart of SOLDIER just like you father!" He goes outside and picks up his training sword and practices very hard and to keep his spirits up Sephiroth helps him when he needed it the most and he says to him,"Someday you will be apart of SOLDIER."

**Meier Link** · 09-17-2009, 08:22 PM

Maybe you should think about writing a comments thread to this, but since you have permited it I will touch on a few things.

For a chapter it is VERY short and runs together. For instance "10yrs pass one day " could be read that for some strange reason 10 years have passed in one day. The fact that seven sentances equals a chapter kind of baffels me.

For your opening line could proove my point:
"One day there was a storm at Sephiroth's home and there was a knock at his door when he went to see who it was there was a baby in a basket in the door step he took in the baby and raised him as his own"

The sentance just never ends and so much happens in it with out any real explination / description of the events that happen. There could a whole chapter based alone on what Sephy was doing that story day and it could run on for pages. For example; what was he doing on this rainy day, what kind fo story day was it, where was he during the time period, what was he wearing, when did this rainy day actually happen. As you can see this can go on for a while.

Every sentance of this fanfic could be broken down the same way. Basically what is really lacking is description. In writing you need to cover all aspects and give the reader a visual of what you are trying to portay.

Honestly I found this kid of dry. Spice it up a little.

Take this as encouragement and not as me bashing you for your writing style. I will be checking up later to see if you took my advice.

**Noctis Lucis Caelum** · 09-17-2009, 08:26 PM

okay i will try. but i already wrote chapter2 when you wrote this. so here it is

chapter II

One day while Sephiroth Jr. was asleep Sephiroth suck out to do a mission for SOLDIER. When morning came Sephiroth Jr. went to see if his father was awake all he found was a note it said,"Son if you are reading this then i have not returned from my mission yet. I promise I will be back soon. signed your father."
While he waited for his father to come home he went outside to train some more. 10 days pass and his father finally came home. "Father you're finally home!" he exclaimed. he went to hug his father but there was a bullet coming his way Sephiroth moved quickly to get his son out of the way. he was successful, but he was hit. He healed quickly and went after the shooter and killed him. "Father who was that man who tried to kill me?" he asked. Sephiroth answered,"That was an enemy of Shinra he aims to kill me and my family, but thankfully you're safe." "Also father how did you heal so quickly?" he asked "I don't know. it just happens."

**Polk** · 09-17-2009, 08:57 PM

This has been the highlight of my night so far. Keep it up!

**Noctis Lucis Caelum** · 09-17-2009, 09:03 PM

good, but i will have chapter 3 up tomorrow.

**Noctis Lucis Caelum** · 09-18-2009, 05:45 PM

Chapter III

One day while Sephiroth Jr. was practicing there was a man coming to there house. He didn't know what to do, so he went to get his father he yelled in an urgent tone," Father there is a man coming to the house!" Sephiroth heard his son and went outside to see who it was. It was a Shinra army soldier and by the looks of him he ws badly hurt. Sephiroth rushed to his aid and took him inside the house. While the soldier laid there asleep Sephiroth Jr. asked his father in a worried tone," Father who is this man and why is he here?" Sephiroth answered slowly,"He is an army soldier from Shinra they work for SOLDIER operatives and Shinra, this one must have come to-" Right then the soldier woke up and asked, SOLDIER first class Sephiroth, is he here?" Sephiroth answered," I am Sephiroth, why are you here?" The soldier sat up and said in an urgent tone," Midgar is under attack, you have to hurry! Someone summoned a Bahumat, it has killed a fourth of the men that were sent there to stop it. I was sent here to get you, but I was attcked by Bahumat and barely made it." Sephiroth said to his son," I am going have to go to Midgar. Now stay here and take care of this soldier, you got that and whatever you do do not go outside until i get back." Sephiroth Jr. answered with a worried tone," I will father, just be careful." Sephiroth answered as he was going out the door," I'll try to be careful and i promise i will be back soon!"

**Noctis Lucis Caelum** · 09-19-2009, 11:19 AM

Chapter IV

Sephiroth went to Midgar to fight Bahumat. When he got there there was 5,000 dead shinra army soldiers and 50 SOLDIER operatives dead. Sephiroth looked around to find Bahumat right then a giant ball of fire started to come down he looked up and used blizzaja to stop it from continuing toward him. Then he saw Bahumat flying around fighting against SOLDIER operatives. the chief that was there saw him and went over to Sephiroth and said," Finally you're here Sephiroth! Bahumat has destroyed a fourth of the city so far we need to stop him soon before he completely destroys Midgar." Then the chief calls off the rest of the other operatives. "I will kill Bahumat just keep everyone away from here." as Sephiroth said going toward Bahumat. He thought to himself," How am I going to destroy this thing?"

While at home Sephiroth Jr. was watching the news with the army soldier. They were watching his father fight Bahumat. "Go dad!" excalimed Sephiroth Jr. "ou got a great father you know. He has saved Midgar and the Shinra company many times." said the army soldier. "I know he's great and by the way what is your name?" Sephiroth Jr. asked. "My name is Cloud" Cloud answered. "Wel nice to meet you Cloud." said Sephiroth Jr. "Its nice to meet you to and I never knew Sephiroth had a son."

**MagitekElite** · 09-19-2009, 07:30 PM

I think your only problem is...well, describing and giving the characters flesh.

I can only give you an example of a writer on Fanfiction.net.

The God Slayer - a example to follow?
"The wind brushed pass the gawky young man with blond hair. His dark Prussian blue eyes were shining brightly as he began to gloat about the girls and everyone at their school, loving him to his little sister. As an opposite to her older brother, the girl had mint green hair with mixed eyes colors from Prussian blue to the enchanting purple color her mother had. She was short compared to her brother, standing about rib length to his six foot two brother.

Her face was pale but her cheeks were as dark as rubies stones. Her hair was clipped up on the left side by a hibiscus hair clip and wore a long, flowing celery green sundress with little brown sandals. Her brother wore a tight, thin black sweater with a slit down from the neck to the tip below his collar bone. He wore black pants - much like his father's - and his hair was long. It was tied up by a black ribbon." ~ Crimson Rain, by The God Slayer.

All you need to do, is spend some time on your chapters and give them some foundation to walk on.

Your version:
While at home Sephiroth Jr. was watching the news with the army soldier. They were watching his father fight Bahumat. "Go dad!" excalimed Sephiroth Jr. "ou got a great father you know. He has saved Midgar and the Shinra company many times." said the army soldier. "I know he's great and by the way what is your name?" Sephiroth Jr. asked. "My name is Cloud" Cloud answered. "Wel nice to meet you Cloud." said Sephiroth Jr. "Its nice to meet you to and I never knew Sephiroth had a son."

"My version:
While at home, Sephiroth Jr. [I will call him Jr.] was watching the news channel with a blond hair SOLDIER. To Jr, this SOLDIER was pretty tall compare to him, and much strong too!

While watching the news, he saw his father fighting Bahamut [I'm gonna give Sephiroth a fighting arena] in Midgar Slums.

"Go dad!" exclaimed Jr, smiling brightly, full of pride for his father. The blond Solider said: "You got a great father, you know." he smiled at the young boy. "he saved Midgar and Shinra many times." The blond man frowned, holding his hand out to the boy. "I'm Cloud, by the way." The boy beamed.

"Sephiroth Jr! Nice to meet ya!" ~

And so on. But you get what I mean right?

Artix · 09-20-2009, 12:05 AM

Cool story but way fake
Supporting Details
1.Sephiroth never had a son
2.If he has a son he would be with him right now

**MagitekElite** · 09-20-2009, 11:10 AM

Its a fanfiction, that's the point. I think he knows Sephiroth never really had a son.

**Noctis Lucis Caelum** · 09-20-2009, 01:49 PM

yeah i know sephiroth never had a son.

**xXCloudXx** · 09-20-2009, 09:19 PM

I see that you are putting more description in it, but you still need more.... Umpf as some may put it. Like Buhumat. What did he look like? What distingushed him most of all. His color. His rage? What did Sephiroth feel at the time when he didn't know how to save the city? Lost, hopless? It's alot better but there could still be more detail. I'm not criticizing you or anything by no means. I'm just giving you some advice. I'll write and example of what I would have written....

(Ex)

Sephiroth made his way across the country to Midger. The great city sparkled before him as he approached. But as he drew near the havoc that had been wreacked by the mighty Buhumat grew visable. The once great city was on the brink of extinction. As if it last breath was being inhaled. The foot of Buhumat on it's chest. Extinguishing it's very essence. The battered and torn bodies of the Shinra lay around the wreckage. The men, dressed for battle had fallen valiantly in the fight. SOLDIER operatives lay broken and bare along with their comrads. The brutality of Buhumat knew no bounds. Thoughts of how to kill the beast filtered through Sephiroths mind as he stared at the carcus of a dead Shenra. A sight he had seen far to many times. The bitterness and hate formed inside him. A combustable tank inside an inferno ready to explode with the slightest push. As Sephiroth gazed on in his trance. The mighty Buhumat had taken flight. Far above the warrior the beast had been searching for more lives to take. For this was his sole porpose. To take lives. Buhumat had spotted Sephiroth with keen eyes. With a bat of his wings he made the long decent toward the earth. Building the fire within his chest he let out a deafining roar and let lose his fury. the fireball made its way toward Sephiroth. The bright object with flames of blue red and orange forming a tail behind it. So bright even to break Sephiroths concentration. He looked to the sky and came to the realazation that he would be killed. With split second reaction he threw his the palm of his had out before him and uttered the word "Blizzaja". A rocket of ice flew from his hand. Flying through the air with the valocity of a bullit. The two elements collide sending fire and ice shards flying in all directions. Sephiroth sheilding his eyes from the speacticle of light lost sight of his opponent. As the light faded he realized that Buhumat had dissapeared into the horizon. But in his mind Sephiroth knew this battle was far from over. A cheif from the SOLDIRE devision appeared out of the wreackage of a building and rushed to Sephiroths side. " You are here" The Cheif exclaimed. " Thank the heavens, Buhumat has destroyed a fourth of the city and we were starting to lose hope". " The entire city will be destroyed if we don't do something soon sir". Sephiroth stares into the distance. His white hair flowing around him in the breeze. He grips his sword tighter and clenches his teeth in anticipation of the fight. Call everyone off Cheif. I'll handle this. The Cheif looking at Sephiroth in amazment pulles his walkie talkie from his belt and walks away squaking order to the SOLDIRE unit to pull out. Sephiroth takes his first step toward the Buhumat. Not knowing stratagy or tactic. His mind blank as though it were completly erased. As he walks he closes his eyes and sees his son's face. " I do this for you son" he says in a serene tone. " For you".

[QUOTE]]"My version:
While at home, Sephiroth Jr. [I will call him Jr.] was watching the news channel with a blond hair SOLDIER. To Jr, this SOLDIER was pretty tall compare to him, and much strong too!

While watching the news, he saw his father fighting Bahamut [I'm gonna give Sephiroth a fighting arena] in Midgar Slums.

"Go dad!" exclaimed Jr, smiling brightly, full of pride for his father. The blond Solider said: "You got a great father, you know." he smiled at the young boy. "he saved Midgar and Shinra many times." The blond man frowned, holding his hand out to the boy. "I'm Cloud, by the way." The boy beamed.

"Sephiroth Jr! Nice to meet ya!" ~
[/QUOTE

MagitekElite's was very good so I used his for he last part.

**Meier Link** · 09-21-2009, 03:52 AM

SephyII I have a recomendation for you, make a "FFVII: Sephiroth's secret son" comment thread in this same section of the forum and then ask for a moderator to clean up this thread. With all of the talking that is going on in here there is one thing that is being missed or taken away from which is the story itself.

If you are confused that I am talking about just pull up the lit forum and look at Andros current work "Shift" and also notice there is a "Shift Comments". You can use your comments thread for questions like this or make it exclusive to yourself and post your thoughts on the dealings of your own story.

**MagitekElite** · 09-21-2009, 08:04 PM

MagitekElite's was very good so I used his for he last part.

....She

But, your help for SephirothII was really good. I hope he can take this advice and apply it to his story, because it actually has some real potential. I hope he takes it...

**xXCloudXx** · 09-21-2009, 08:32 PM

Thank you MagitekElite. If i would have been writing an actual chapter though I would have made it longer and more descriptive. I just used this as an example for SephyII to use. He could take what I have and make it so much better.

**MagitekElite** · 09-22-2009, 09:30 PM

If you are reading this, SephirothII, don't quite! This is something with grand potential! Just try...please? :>

**Noctis Lucis Caelum** · 09-23-2009, 01:50 PM

i will try but the next chapter will not be up for a while.

**xXCloudXx** · 09-27-2009, 01:41 PM

come on SephyII. I'm waiting ot hear the rest of the story. I like it so far. I think after you get finished with all of it you should repost it all together and ask a mod to close the the catigory so that we cant post on it. Just some advice.

**Noctis Lucis Caelum** · 09-29-2009, 12:57 PM

I will continue the story its just that i am working some things out right now and the next chapter will be 10 paragraphs.

**Violet** · 09-30-2009, 10:14 PM

Maybe if his name wasn't "Sephiroth Jr." I'd take this a tad more seriously. I keep wanting to laugh every time I read the name. Also.. I can't picture Sephiroth raising a baby. The image just fails in my head. I mean.. try imaging him worrying about diapers and making formula..lol. I just can't take this story seriously, I'm sorry.