I think your only problem is...well, describing and giving the characters flesh.

I can only give you an example of a writer on Fanfiction.net.

The God Slayer - a example to follow?
"The wind brushed pass the gawky young man with blond hair. His dark Prussian blue eyes were shining brightly as he began to gloat about the girls and everyone at their school, loving him to his little sister. As an opposite to her older brother, the girl had mint green hair with mixed eyes colors from Prussian blue to the enchanting purple color her mother had. She was short compared to her brother, standing about rib length to his six foot two brother.

Her face was pale but her cheeks were as dark as rubies stones. Her hair was clipped up on the left side by a hibiscus hair clip and wore a long, flowing celery green sundress with little brown sandals. Her brother wore a tight, thin black sweater with a slit down from the neck to the tip below his collar bone. He wore black pants - much like his father's - and his hair was long. It was tied up by a black ribbon." ~ Crimson Rain, by The God Slayer.

All you need to do, is spend some time on your chapters and give them some foundation to walk on.

Your version:
While at home Sephiroth Jr. was watching the news with the army soldier. They were watching his father fight Bahumat. "Go dad!" excalimed Sephiroth Jr. "ou got a great father you know. He has saved Midgar and the Shinra company many times." said the army soldier. "I know he's great and by the way what is your name?" Sephiroth Jr. asked. "My name is Cloud" Cloud answered. "Wel nice to meet you Cloud." said Sephiroth Jr. "Its nice to meet you to and I never knew Sephiroth had a son."

"My version:
While at home, Sephiroth Jr. [I will call him Jr.] was watching the news channel with a blond hair SOLDIER. To Jr, this SOLDIER was pretty tall compare to him, and much strong too!


While watching the news, he saw his father fighting Bahamut [I'm gonna give Sephiroth a fighting arena] in Midgar Slums.

"Go dad!" exclaimed Jr, smiling brightly, full of pride for his father. The blond Solider said: "You got a great father, you know." he smiled at the young boy. "he saved Midgar and Shinra many times." The blond man frowned, holding his hand out to the boy. "I'm Cloud, by the way." The boy beamed.

"Sephiroth Jr! Nice to meet ya!" ~

And so on. But you get what I mean right?