Something is not right.

[the_savior21]

This isn't going to be something interesting I just wanted to say something so that someone else would see it and maybe input their opinion because i don't have one at least in this particular case.

I'm a 21 year old college student with some problems. I have roughly $20000 in debt (and building because of school) and I'm technically unemployed except for the military. I have $180 worth in bills each month and bring in a paycheck of $225. leaving roughly 40 bucks to spend each month. I work for an apartment complex and instead of a paycheck i get rent credit. about 8 months ago I lost my fiance and havent been able to maintain a serious relationship everytime i get interested in someone i get scared and say forget it. To be perfectly honest right now there is a beautiful girl who lives right across the hall who seems quite interested but i cant seem to ever knock on the door. I got jipped out of over 3/4 of m tax return this year and just when I was about to recieve a companion in the form of a dog even that fell through. Basically for the past 8 months my life has been falling apart and I have been trying to put it back together. Well within a week I have gained a $3000 cushion up front, $200 each month for the next six months, and I just got hired on somewhere to pull in an extra $600 bucks a month. On top of that I am going to be adopting my canine companion. Within a week my life flipped a 180 and i am grateful for that.

but that brings me to the way i feel now. First im bored of being single but cant find someone who meets my standards. That's not because of necessarily because of unreasonably high standards. a more accurate reason would be because of how old i am and that my standards and what i am looking for are found in much older women. Women who want to get married. You don't find that person crawling from bar to bar in a college town.

Also It has just hit me that i am in fact alone. I don't have a partner and I rarely see my family. The people I am in most contact with are "friends" who only use me for things that they need. Like because they need a shoulder to cry on, they need someone to talk about their problems with, they need alcohol and are too young to buy it themselves. They need to borrow money or food because they either cant afford their own or have no way of getting it from the store. "could you do this could you do that?" my life has become, as it seems an endless stream of favors. The fact that I'm alone doesn't help. I want a partner I want someone to move in with me and be with me and be my partner if not for the sake of falling in love with them then at the very least for the sake of not willingly being everyone else's puppet because i just want human contact.

Iv also been thinking alot about death and life It makes me sick to think that there are people out there that willingly take others lives and while as sick as that makes me it makes me almost as sick is the distribution of wealth and power in the united states and the way the justice system is dependent on that distribution. I could go out and murder someone in plain sight right now in front of hundreds of witnesses but if i had enough money it would never stick. for the sole fact that greed outweighs everyone's moral compass sooner or later. Everybody has their price. No one human or group of humans has the right to judge whether or not someone may live or die. I cant stop thinking about the permanence of death or how sudden it could be.

Love and Death are the only two things that I can think about. Everything is turning around for me and I should be happy and in a good mood. but instead the only two things I can think about is love and death and neither one of those are bringing happy thoughts at the moment.

My brain is confused and it feels stressed and knotted. Honestly I don't know what to expect from this all I just was curious to see if anyone wanted to pick around in my brain for awhile and give your opinion on how damaged i am.

[Alpha]

Is it legal to pay someone in rent credit? That's like a liquor store paying you in booze. I've never heard of that, outside of things like free carparks and stuff which are essentially a form of income tax evasion.

Otherwise, uh no one thinks about marriage off the bat. You're young enough, find someone to be with who is a friend first and foremost. The creepy conversations about proposals and such can wait a few years, it's not like there's an expiry date on you.

[nix]

Sounds as if you're depressed and are just focusing on all of the negativity in your life.

To be honest, from my perspective the only bad thing you have to deal with is your debt, which can be improved by searching for a better job. However you're getting an extra 600 a month now so it appears that has all been sorted and you just need to pay back the loan, so stick with it and over time the financial stranglehold will loosen, id say you're looking at 2-3 years to pay off a loan that grand.

But yes, your country is a terrible place to live if you're looking to go to the hospital or get an education, the bills you guys can rack up are insane.

With regards to your friends, they don't sound like friends, id fade out from them and advise getting new ones. I know it sounds corny, but try being more positive in life, focus on the good things and stop looking for something bad to cling on to and complain about, this will just fuel the depression within, life is what you make of it, its that simple.

And as simple as it sounds, it can be quite hard to change our daily routines, just keep at it!

So set a goal for yourself, if you're unable to think of what you want to do at the mo, then just keep saving money, if after awhile after paying your debt you're still not sure what to do, go traveling (outside of the US) something you yanks should do ALOT more...

With regards to being single, just be patient mate you are still very young, im the one who should be panicking here, im same as you but older

[Pete]

Nobody should panic about being single. It's not something worth panicking over. Just go out there, talk to people, be yourself. If you see a cute chick go up and introduce yourself, strike up a conversation.

You're still young, but I know that the feeling of not having a companion sucks, but the best advice I have ever heard about the matter was this:

You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

Being with someone new will only be a bandaid to whatever lies deeper within. A lover/ companion will be just that, but when time passes, even if you're still together, you'll still feel those feelings of incompleteness. Now, I'm not saying you have to accomplish all of your lifes goals before you should find someone, but you should be happy with who you are as a person and being comfortable in your own skin before you get comfortable in someone elses.

Also, maybe you should address whatever happened with your fiance. Eight months isn't a lot of time to get over whatever happened with the person you planned on spending the rest of your life with. You might feel like you're ready, but maybe something psychological is stopping you from knocking on your neighbors door. It's also not really fair to whoever you're with if you're still thinking about your fiance.

It's not wrong to have to take care of your own needs in regards to the people you hang out with. Maybe if they hit you up for money or beer, just tell them no. If they get pissed at you, then they're really not friends to begin with.

And have you looked into anything with the GI Bill to help with your college costs? You mentioned military employment.

Anyways, you've got people here who care and are willing to listen/offer advice or whatever.

[the_savior21]

I just want to mention that a year or so ago someone mocked me on this forum for coming to a forum full of gamers for relationship advice and I'd just like to say to that person that you are a fool and obviously there are others on a gamer forum that can give good advice.

Now first off pete that was great thank you honestly very good advice

Second nix also very good advice thanks you're right I don't have any goals right now. I should probably get one

MERGED POSTS

Sorry for the double but I wasn't done

Alpha it's more or less an arrangement to live here and work for rent. I think it's legal idk now that you mention it though. And I didn't mean I wanted to find some one who wants to get married right now. I was exaggerating to make a point I just mean someone who is looking for a serious relationship as opposed to the girls that are not. There are just way more girls not looking to get tied down is all I'm saying.

[noxious.sunshine]

Everyone else already said everything. Especially Pete's bit about being happy with yourself before being able to be happy with someone else.

You've gotta figure out your own shit and get it together for YOU before you go actively looking for a girlfriend. And to be honest, actively looking for a partner isn't always the best idea. I wasn't looking for anyone when I met my ex-fiancee.. I had way too much going on back then to be worried about dating.. And then we just sort of happened. We'd been together for 5 years when he broke things off and I literally cried myself to sleep for months. He meant the world to me in spite of how jacked up our relationship had become in the end. He was my best friend. And yes, it still hurts sometimes even though I've managed to move on and find someone new.

And yes, you are young. You have a lot of time ahead of you to figure things out- be thankful for that. Early 20's are a confusing time for everyone. Hell even late 20's and into the 30's can be confusing and hard to navigate through. Things are always changing and while you might be the same person at the core, you're still always changing no matter what.

I'm not sure that that's the best advice- but my life has never been a "conventional" one.. And it most likely never will be no matter how hard I try to make it so. It's a long story. But, be thankful for what you -do- have.

As far as life and death go- don't worry so much about it. Live your life to the fullest extent possible. I lost my mom in December very unexpectedly (My family and I are still in shock and grieving- especially my dad) and her older sister passed away 2 weeks later. It's rough. But I know that my mom would want me to do what's best for me.

But look on the bright side... You aren't nearly as effed as you think you are- it's just a state of mind . You could be homeless or living in a 3rd world country slowly dying of starvation, but you aren't. You have a job, a roof over your head, and food in your belly.

I've been clinically diagnosed with severe depression and put on medication back in high school, but I eventually just decided to try and be happy and stay positive. It's a struggle sometimes, but it's always mind over matter. Trust me. If I can do it, so can you.

[Tiffany]

Yep, there are people I know who managed apartment buildings or do work around the apartments in exchange for reduced/no rent. I'm pretty sure its legal! No different than getting a perk where you work like discounts or free tickets to events that you are working at.

As for the relationship stuff, I felt the same when I was that age, I didn't meet my husband until I was 27. It bugged me when people would say that I was young and to just not worry about it but they were so right. It'll happen when it is meant to happen, so for the here and now just try to enjoy life the best you can. It does sound like you have a lot on your plate stress wise, might not hurt to talk to someone to get things into perspective.

[Heartless Angel]

First and foremost, I am a sociopath, so most of this will likely not apply to you, or seem insulting or some such unfavorable response... But what the Hell, may as well, right?

but that brings me to the way i feel now. First im bored of being single but cant find someone who meets my standards. That's not because of necessarily because of unreasonably high standards. a more accurate reason would be because of how old i am and that my standards and what i am looking for are found in much older women. Women who want to get married. You don't find that person crawling from bar to bar in a college town.

Never put yourself in a position to NEED a relationship. Even when you're in one, that's a recipe for disaster. In any relationship, the one with the least interest in continuing the relationship, will invariably control the relationship. Never need others more than they need you, or you'll be a doormat forever. This also applies to the problem of your friends.

Also It has just hit me that i am in fact alone. I don't have a partner and I rarely see my family. The people I am in most contact with are "friends" who only use me for things that they need. Like because they need a shoulder to cry on, they need someone to talk about their problems with, they need alcohol and are too young to buy it themselves. They need to borrow money or food because they either cant afford their own or have no way of getting it from the store. "could you do this could you do that?" my life has become, as it seems an endless stream of favors. The fact that I'm alone doesn't help. I want a partner I want someone to move in with me and be with me and be my partner if not for the sake of falling in love with them then at the very least for the sake of not willingly being everyone else's puppet because i just want human contact.

As above, least interest theory. As long as you feel the need to have someone holding on to your strings, you will be a puppet. A person will only make unreasonable requests when they are delusional or unintelligent, or are certain that somebody will HAVE to agree to them. Friends who know you don't need them will rarely if ever ask you for anything they don't really need, or something that puts you in an unfavorable position without a damned good reason.

Alone time is not a bad thing. Less time jumping through others' hoops means more time to dedicate to self improvement. Make yourself a more valuable commodity to increase the value of the relationships you can get into later.

Don't sacrifice for the privilege of human contact, improve yourself until humanity is willing to sacrifice to contact you. During a period in which I was unemployed and had little to no money to spend, all of my close friends (I have about three at this point) were volunteering to cover expenses of hanging out, solely for the privilege of spending time with me. Not only did I not have to pay for human contact, but others will willing to pay ME for it. And that goes both ways, I have money to throw around now, and I cover expenses of our entertainment because I am in a better position to do so now. Those are the sorts of friends you want.

Iv also been thinking alot about death and life It makes me sick to think that there are people out there that willingly take others lives and while as sick as that makes me it makes me almost as sick is the distribution of wealth and power in the united states and the way the justice system is dependent on that distribution. I could go out and murder someone in plain sight right now in front of hundreds of witnesses but if i had enough money it would never stick. for the sole fact that greed outweighs everyone's moral compass sooner or later. Everybody has their price. No one human or group of humans has the right to judge whether or not someone may live or die. I cant stop thinking about the permanence of death or how sudden it could be.

Death is just a part of life. Morality is just a part of greed. Rights are an illusion born of greed and fear of destitution. All beings die, there is no denying it. Compared to the eternity of death, a few decades variance in the lifespan of an individual brought on by acts of human greed is negligible. People die deaths every bit as untimely without human intervention.

Morality is simply an extension of the hierarchy of egoistic human needs. Humans are inherently egoistic, and will all at some level be weighing the value of every option that have. When something is more valuable than morality, morality will be forsaken. Life is no more sacred than anything else people value, when something outweighs the value of the life of another, life is lost. Death is everywhere, yet still more than twice as many people are born each day than there are that die. Death is overall, insignificant in the progression of life.

Love and Death are the only two things that I can think about. Everything is turning around for me and I should be happy and in a good mood. but instead the only two things I can think about is love and death and neither one of those are bringing happy thoughts at the moment.

Death is inevitable, and unpredictable. No amount of analysis is likely to affect any change in it, so it is not worth much conscious thought. Love is a chemical cocktail brewed to drive reproduction. Never put yourself in the position of needing it, or you will be a slave to it. Understand it, how utterly predictable it is, and it loses its wonder. It is reduced to an object of healthy interest rather than one of obsession. Reduce it until you still want it, but no longer need it.

My brain is confused and it feels stressed and knotted. Honestly I don't know what to expect from this all I just was curious to see if anyone wanted to pick around in my brain for awhile and give your opinion on how damaged i am.

No more damaged than I find most people. Merely put into a situation in which these emotional complexes are all staring you in the face. I find that the best solution is to deconstruct them logically until they lose power over you.

[Rowan]

I think HA makes good points. Coming from his sociopathic point of veiw, his judgements are not clouded by the veil emotion, which many people allow to dictate their logic. I dont agree that all relationships work on levels of who cares the most. I would think that if two people wanted to be together, they would equally be invested into the relationship. I think that there are some things that only a person capable of understanding and wanting a relationship could comprehend. Saviour_21, I think you are feeling empty, does that word sum it all up adequately? You want someone in your life to fill this void (hey, even a dog would have done). Well, emptiness is one of the hardest feelings to deal with because its causes are unique to the inidividual. If you were to ask me to help you understand what is causing this emptiness so that you could deal with it, what would you hope to hear? Tell me.

[che]

Seems pretty normal. A lot of movies and stuff portray this WONDERFUL thing where you have this breakup, you don't even wanna talk to a girl because you're hurt. Then you meet this one magically, even though you're a shut-in and play videogames all day and never socialize. Then she helps you through your tough times and you start to realize how valuable her friendship is and how beautiful is and one day there's this big climax, and then a short downfall before you confess your undying love to her and everything is fixed.

As for the government stuff and money. It is what it is. In the U.S., I'd say it's best to keep up with good sources of information to stay informed. Don't watch Fox News or CNN, simply because they're extremely sensationalist and more of a show than news. Find good sources and stand up for what you believe in. Write your congressman, vote for things, get your friends in on it. But don't take it too seriously. It takes a lot of time to change things, and unless you have money and are devoting your life to it, it may never happen. Just take comfort in the fact that you care and are willing to do more than most people (which is just bitch about it).

You aren't even doing that badly, imo. You're 21. I'm 27, and in the same boat. Six year relationship, broke up, not really interested in anyone atm. Just keep trying to better your life and your own self - and keep socializing.

And try not to worry so much. Worrying can really eat away at you and stress you out and make you depressed. You got this shit, mang. Now go have a beer and play some basketball or call of duty or whatever you do and take your mind off things. It's friday.

edit: Wow, everyone is master level advice. Go team TFF.

edit2: I wasn't going to post this as I think it's very opinionated and can be offensive, but I'll post it anyway just in case it helps:

My view on marriage is that it is for two people that know they want to spend the rest of their live with each other. I can understand why people desire that, but it isn't something that you just get. You can look at a ton of different marriages and think "well they just met at 21, happily married forever" etc. There are a lot of things you don't see. You can't just look at someone's relationship and judge them, and decide for yourself that you want this eternal vow thing. You're going about it all wrong.

You need to look for a companion. Friendship, something you value in someone you're attracted to. All that stuff, THEN you can decide after being with them for a while if you think that is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sometimes we see this as the pinnacle of being a human. We're only here for 70~ years, at 21 we're adults and we must seek the pinnacle IMMEDIATELY. There's probably some really clever, profound quote about how if you strive for something so hard, you'll never find what you're looking for. Or the things you wanted were right under your nose the whole time, or something like that. Use that advice.

The best way you can spend your time before you meet that someone, in my opinion, is to learn everything you can and try to make yourself a better person. Nobody is ever perfect so you can always do this, forever. The person you meet will respect you more for it.

[the_savior21]

First and foremost, I am a sociopath, so most of this will likely not apply to you, or seem insulting or some such unfavorable response... But what the Hell, may as well, right?

Mr. Sociopath. I'm glad that you decided to join. I am always eager to see a sociopath's point of view on such an empathetic lifestyle.

Alone time is not a bad thing. Less time jumping through others' hoops means more time to dedicate to self improvement. Make yourself a more valuable commodity to increase the value of the relationships you can get into later

I'm sorry if someone else mentioned this exact same thing but reading it this particular time somehow it just made so much since. So thank you this is probably the single best sentences that were born of this thread.

See the thing is though, I like to be around people I don't like being alone. One day I know that that is going to change and I am going to want nothing more than to be alone. (Maybe I'm wrong but its not the craziest idea ever) That being said it is very easy to be alone when you want to be. I want to take advantage of the fact that I'm young, enthusiastic and not locked down in any one place while I can. Also I get really bored I don't like that.

Death is just a part of life. Morality is just a part of greed. Rights are an illusion born of greed and fear of destitution. All beings die, there is no denying it. Compared to the eternity of death, a few decades variance in the lifespan of an individual brought on by acts of human greed is negligible. People die deaths every bit as untimely without human intervention.

Morality is simply an extension of the hierarchy of egoistic human needs. Humans are inherently egoistic, and will all at some level be weighing the value of every option that have. When something is more valuable than morality, morality will be forsaken. Life is no more sacred than anything else people value, when something outweighs the value of the life of another, life is lost. Death is everywhere, yet still more than twice as many people are born each day than there are that die. Death is overall, insignificant in the progression of life.

Can you just lecture me about the philosophy of different topics everyday? I the things you say give me such vision.

No more damaged than I find most people. Merely put into a situation in which these emotional complexes are all staring you in the face. I find that the best solution is to deconstruct them logically until they lose power over you.

Logic, There is a topic you can school me on, Logic vs. Emotion.
Also I imagine you as one of those go where you are needed type of people, any truth in that?


Has anyone ever thought about going into therapy?

[Heartless Angel]

Mr. Sociopath. I'm glad that you decided to join. I am always eager to see a sociopath's point of view on such an empathetic lifestyle.

Some people get pissed off when you give em a sociopath point of view, others can learn from it. Always nice to see the latter.

I'm sorry if someone else mentioned this exact same thing but reading it this particular time somehow it just made so much since. So thank you this is probably the single best sentences that were born of this thread.

That's good, it makes more sense to me when I think of it as a commodity, so I'm glad that reduction could be useful to someone else.

See the thing is though, I like to be around people I don't like being alone. One day I know that that is going to change and I am going to want nothing more than to be alone. (Maybe I'm wrong but its not the craziest idea ever) That being said it is very easy to be alone when you want to be. I want to take advantage of the fact that I'm young, enthusiastic and not locked down in any one place while I can. Also I get really bored I don't like that.

I find that some of my most useful relationships are with people I don't even like all that well. Few random jerkwads I argue with all the time in philosophical discussions pretty well satisfy my needs for interactions. The best part is, since we're not really friends, and only interact online, I have no obligations to spend any of my time with them, and can pretty much interact on an as needed basis.

Can you just lecture me about the philosophy of different topics everyday? I the things you say give me such vision.

If you don't mind being slowly converted into a cynic like myself, sure thing =P. Shoot me a topic in PM every so often or start an ID thread and I'll do my best to contribute.

Logic, There is a topic you can school me on, Logic vs. Emotion.

Logic is simple enough. Just a matter of understanding its rules.

Also I imagine you as one of those go where you are needed type of people, any truth in that?

Eh, not really. I pretty much act in my own interest (I believe everyone does, but I do so consciously). Often my interest benefits someone, but it's generally not my primary goal.