First and foremost, I am a sociopath, so most of this will likely not apply to you, or seem insulting or some such unfavorable response... But what the Hell, may as well, right?

Quote Originally Posted by the_savior21 View Post
but that brings me to the way i feel now. First im bored of being single but cant find someone who meets my standards. That's not because of necessarily because of unreasonably high standards. a more accurate reason would be because of how old i am and that my standards and what i am looking for are found in much older women. Women who want to get married. You don't find that person crawling from bar to bar in a college town.
Never put yourself in a position to NEED a relationship. Even when you're in one, that's a recipe for disaster. In any relationship, the one with the least interest in continuing the relationship, will invariably control the relationship. Never need others more than they need you, or you'll be a doormat forever. This also applies to the problem of your friends.

Also It has just hit me that i am in fact alone. I don't have a partner and I rarely see my family. The people I am in most contact with are "friends" who only use me for things that they need. Like because they need a shoulder to cry on, they need someone to talk about their problems with, they need alcohol and are too young to buy it themselves. They need to borrow money or food because they either cant afford their own or have no way of getting it from the store. "could you do this could you do that?" my life has become, as it seems an endless stream of favors. The fact that I'm alone doesn't help. I want a partner I want someone to move in with me and be with me and be my partner if not for the sake of falling in love with them then at the very least for the sake of not willingly being everyone else's puppet because i just want human contact.
As above, least interest theory. As long as you feel the need to have someone holding on to your strings, you will be a puppet. A person will only make unreasonable requests when they are delusional or unintelligent, or are certain that somebody will HAVE to agree to them. Friends who know you don't need them will rarely if ever ask you for anything they don't really need, or something that puts you in an unfavorable position without a damned good reason.

Alone time is not a bad thing. Less time jumping through others' hoops means more time to dedicate to self improvement. Make yourself a more valuable commodity to increase the value of the relationships you can get into later.

Don't sacrifice for the privilege of human contact, improve yourself until humanity is willing to sacrifice to contact you. During a period in which I was unemployed and had little to no money to spend, all of my close friends (I have about three at this point) were volunteering to cover expenses of hanging out, solely for the privilege of spending time with me. Not only did I not have to pay for human contact, but others will willing to pay ME for it. And that goes both ways, I have money to throw around now, and I cover expenses of our entertainment because I am in a better position to do so now. Those are the sorts of friends you want.

Iv also been thinking alot about death and life It makes me sick to think that there are people out there that willingly take others lives and while as sick as that makes me it makes me almost as sick is the distribution of wealth and power in the united states and the way the justice system is dependent on that distribution. I could go out and murder someone in plain sight right now in front of hundreds of witnesses but if i had enough money it would never stick. for the sole fact that greed outweighs everyone's moral compass sooner or later. Everybody has their price. No one human or group of humans has the right to judge whether or not someone may live or die. I cant stop thinking about the permanence of death or how sudden it could be.
Death is just a part of life. Morality is just a part of greed. Rights are an illusion born of greed and fear of destitution. All beings die, there is no denying it. Compared to the eternity of death, a few decades variance in the lifespan of an individual brought on by acts of human greed is negligible. People die deaths every bit as untimely without human intervention.

Morality is simply an extension of the hierarchy of egoistic human needs. Humans are inherently egoistic, and will all at some level be weighing the value of every option that have. When something is more valuable than morality, morality will be forsaken. Life is no more sacred than anything else people value, when something outweighs the value of the life of another, life is lost. Death is everywhere, yet still more than twice as many people are born each day than there are that die. Death is overall, insignificant in the progression of life.

Love and Death are the only two things that I can think about. Everything is turning around for me and I should be happy and in a good mood. but instead the only two things I can think about is love and death and neither one of those are bringing happy thoughts at the moment.
Death is inevitable, and unpredictable. No amount of analysis is likely to affect any change in it, so it is not worth much conscious thought. Love is a chemical cocktail brewed to drive reproduction. Never put yourself in the position of needing it, or you will be a slave to it. Understand it, how utterly predictable it is, and it loses its wonder. It is reduced to an object of healthy interest rather than one of obsession. Reduce it until you still want it, but no longer need it.

My brain is confused and it feels stressed and knotted. Honestly I don't know what to expect from this all I just was curious to see if anyone wanted to pick around in my brain for awhile and give your opinion on how damaged i am.
No more damaged than I find most people. Merely put into a situation in which these emotional complexes are all staring you in the face. I find that the best solution is to deconstruct them logically until they lose power over you.