Married life

[Rowan]

Can someone please elaborate on this subject? Everyone seems to express that you start loving your partner less after you get married. This attitude is satired in many movies, tv shows, books etc. Whats the deal? Can anyone enlighten us based upon their own personal experiences? Some information about yourself and your partner that provides insight into why your relationship works well would also be helpful.

[01habbo]

I'm not married but I did have parents that were married for 25 years before dad passed away. I don't think people start loving their partner less, I think it's more that the negative side of their partner becomes more apparent, and people aren't willing to compromise so the marriage falls apart. These days I think people rush into marriage rather than getting to know their partner first. I asked my parents what was their secret, and they stated there is no real secret. It was just lots of compromise and making sure to make time for each other. It makes sense, I think people get so involved in the daily struggles of life that they forget about each other, and therefore forget how much they love each other because they don't set aside that time.

[Lily]

tbh, i think that's utter bollocks, it's simply the longer you are with someone the more you can take them for granted/stop making the effort...on both sides... so its just about not doing that and both working at it to keep it good, i know i can go way longer than i should for a woman without shaving my legs, would never of done that at the start of our relationship lol. I think we are all alot more selfish these days and we are all busier, and stop makign as much effort...that will build up over time I suppose and a wedding i guess can distract from that for a while, so maybe it's suddenly more noticable once you are actually married. its lifestyle not 'we're married now, i don't love you as much' that's just dumb

i do wonder though, if its partly to do with an anticlimax from the marriage, you do all that planning for god knows how long, spend a shit tonne of money, then really, other than her surname (or his, if you wnat to be pedantic) and the rings - but nothing else changes, i guess its like when you turn 13 and you think OMFG IM GUNNA BE A TEENAGER!!! and you feel exactly the same as you did the day before.... hahaha

i dont expect an anticlimax from my wedding, im lucky in the sense that ive HATED planning this mother****ign wedding and can't wait for the honeymoon and for it all to be over and done with then we can chill out and i can redecorate this bastard house.

I ramble lol

[octoberpumpkin]

I am not married but I am Catholic (not a gay hatin, creationist just for the record before I get rocks thrown at me) and divorce is a huge no no in my religion. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 and a half years and some of his family has already put pressure on to us to get married, which I think is absurd. I mean to each their own, but we aren't ready to get married yet. It hasn't even been 3 years. I was with someone for 5 years and it blew up in my face and he was with someone for 9 years and it blew up in his face. I honestly find it disturbing when I read stuff like "If its been 2 years and he hasn't married you..." I mean really now. I say it depends on each couple and I personally think that 5 years is not at all unreasonable to wait. If 2 years works for you, great, awesome. Doesn't mean everybody is ready at that point and that there's something wrong if you aren't married at that point.

I think losing love in a marriage isn't because of the marriage necessarily. I think it usually happens for 2 reasons, the first tying in to what I said above, the couple doesn't wait long enough. Some people get married when they aren't ready and they don't know each other and then they realize that the person they married isn't who they wanted to, but they already committed, had an expensive wedding, and now don't want to pay for a divorce, disappoint their family, whatever reason, but it leads them to be resentful because they are in that situation.

Another one is just that love fades over time. Its sad, but it does. It may seem like the love deteriorated after marriage but depending on when the couple gets married, its probably more of a case of it was already fading, the couple then "renewed the spark" so to speak with the excitement of a wedding, and then it begins to fade again and then some might think "look how excited they were in me near the wedding and now look" or maybe even think back to when they were first dating.

I think with that in mind, its important for me to marry someone I can spend my life with without the "fireworks" overwhelming feeling of love. Someone I can have as someone I care for and have as a companion but who I don't need to feel head over heals about to be happy with.

[Lily]

Another one is just that love fades over time. Its sad, but it does. It may seem like the love deteriorated after marriage but depending on when the couple gets married, its probably more of a case of it was already fading, the couple then "renewed the spark" so to speak with the excitement of a wedding, and then it begins to fade again and then some might think "look how excited they were in me near the wedding and now look" or maybe even think back to when they were first dating..

that's what I was trying to get at lol, can't explain myself for shit sometimes xD

[Rowan]

I would hate to think that after marriage my girlfriend would stop caring about her appearance and stop making effort for me to look nice, because I always make it a priority for her. I think a lot of people have a jaded outlook on marriage because of personal experience, but we dont hear enough from the people who are happily married. I think these days people in general lack morals and virtue, which might be a contributing factor into why their relationships dont last. I'm just glad that me and my girlfriend share the same interests. Theres no clashing of "hey lets do this".

[Unknown Entity]

I've never really thought about if I could love someone or something more or less. If you love someone enough to declare to the world that you want to be with someone forever, then you should feel like you've thoroughly thought the marriage through, through thick and thin. Life is a bumpy, uphill struggle, and you're both along for the ride - one person will get irritable, or decide to not make an effort one day, week, month, year, whatever, or lose momentum or gain it. The trick is to realise these issues, and combat them early on.

Which is why I'm not so hot on the idea of marriage. Yes, I want to be with my partner forever, and while I have no doubts about what I want today, what will I want or be in five years? Will I feel differently? What if he feels differently in five years, and wants something that I don't want? This all scares me, and that breaks my heart to think something may happen, and that I don't know what the future holds. I know one thing though, for certain: married or not, we will both put that effort in. I will be committed if I damn well want to be, and no ring will change that.

I'm also not religious. Neither me or David are. It seems like a non-essential extravagance. The only benefits seem to be legal, and all it does is give you one or two loops to jump through instead of hundreds.

When it comes to marriage, and things changing... I really don't know what people expect afterwards. People talk about marriage as though there's a light at the end of the tunnel that can only be reached through the bonds of matrimony. Does something magical happen once you're married or something? Does commitment not exist until you're married, or..? Is it the only way to prove your love? Can you not say your vows privately? What is so alluring about becoming "man and wife"? Is it just an excuse for a [rather expensive] party?

Is marriage something I want one day? Definitely. However, I'm happy how we are for the time being. If he were to propose to me tomorrow night, I'd say yes - but he'll be in for one long engagement. I won't make the first wedding preparation for years.

[Rowan]

I agree with your outlook UE. I deem marriage to be an unnessary extravagance, but I also view it to be the climactic point in a relationship too, similar to that of the event of a 21st birthday, because lets face it, we dont want to celebrate birthdays after 21, right? Anyway, I said to my girl many times that I dont need a piece of paper to say I love you for it to be true, but I'm sure she wants a wedding mostly for the fact that our families will be brought together in celebration of our commitment to each other, or something like that. I went to a wedding about a month ago, and I never knew this before but they actually sign contracts in front of everyone and I just thought to myself "how fkn un-romantic is that". I will NOT be signing any form of contract in front of my family or friends like im making some sort of freakin deal to the government that ill love her forever and ever blah blah. **** that. Its all so stupid. But hey, if its apart of the process, then so be it.

[Unknown Entity]

The only thing with that is is why should I have to prove or celebrate my commitment to my other half to my parents?

I celebrate our commitment every anniversary. I mention it in passing to my mum, but a big deal is never made out of it. And I don't expect it to. The only big deal that gets made is when we treat ourselves to a day out, a movie, a nice meal and bed time. It's our day. A celebration that's it's the same day we had our first date however many years ago; then a realisation on how far we've come, and then realisation on how long we have left together. It poses as a good reminder, I suppose, in what your want from life in your allotted time frame. My parents and friends aren't the ones keeping us glued together - we are.

If I get married, I'd do it for myself and my partner.

[che]

I don't think it's as bad as it sounds. It's probably just the fact that you actually see the bad sides of them (being mad, not doing things how you would with dishes, etc) constantly. Marriage is a compromise, so it's all like "oh my wife, goooosh!". While it's annoying as **** when people are like that, I don't think it's as bad as they make it sound, or it shouldn't be. Everyone is different and does things differently.

-Che
-expert on marriage because I'm single

[octoberpumpkin]

My boyfriend actually wants to get married much more than I do. He says he wants to have a ceremony in front of family and friends to share our love or something. I'm actually not too hot on the idea because

A) I hate being the center of attention and I can't stand people looking at me, and let's face it, they would be
B) He is divorced which means there is a high probability I wouldn't be able to get married in a Catholic Church which is the ONE thing (other than a marriage with the person I love, of course) I actually would want at my wedding and
C) He is divorced which makes me feel incredibly insecure. I have had some bad cheating happen to me in past relationships and now I have comparison issues and I don't want to spend my whole wedding going "What did her dress look like? Was that wedding more fun?" etc etc. I know I would, and that's not a fun way to spend the day

[Rocky]

wtf getting married?!!! girls have cooties ROFL!

personally I dont know if I will ever get married. I work hard at my career, I like my free time, my material possessions/money are important to me, I'm introverted and need my alone time (yes, even away with friends, I get irritable after too long), and I'm too damned selfish. Maybe if there was more time in the day, or there is possibly a lady that's cool with my "me time". (I'm sure there are, as there are plenty of fish in the sea, but as for now I'm not actively searching for Ms. Rocky)

Weddings are great though. I love weddings. Celebrating the commitment and the union of two people is something that's really cool in my eyes. I think marriage as a whole should be taken with more... sacredness... or something, idk its ****ing early. Not just the ceremony, but day to day living. When done right, it's an amazing thing. However...

I know for a fact that my alma mater college (its a private protestant reformed college) has a deal that kind of strongly encourages couples to marry very early in life, something that I am quite uncomfortable with. If both partners are attending said college and get married, the tuition is removed from one of the newlyweds. As you can see, the marriage rate is extremely high because its a big incentive to not have to pay like 20k/year at a private college, but could something like this cause people to jump into situations they are not ready to handle? I'm sure it does.

But yeah, getting married, maybe when I'm older, yes yes...

[OceanEyes28]

I'm not married yet, but I assume that I will be in four months. Planning the wedding is stressful, and I see the value in short engagements/elopement now lmao. We have a house together, and while the ceremony might make a difference that I'm not aware of yet, living together in a house we're paying off together does seem an awful lot like marriage already. We do the dishes in different ways (I prefer to clean them as I use them, he prefers the dishwasher), we feel differently about having people over (a few friends occasionally is fine with me; he would prefer to host more parties than we already do, and for people to feel comfortable showing up randomly - an idea that makes me get overprotective of my personal boundaries), and he likes to have a TV show playing in the background of what he's doing, while I prefer silence.

For example.

We have gotten into heated disagreements over some of our differences, but they have mostly ended up productive. For instance, he now asks me if it's okay before he invites people over, and I say yes more often (on the condition that I can Irish exit and go to bed whenever I want), reserving the right to say no only when I am really tired or really don't want to see that person.

I think what's important is that arguments lead to solutions. You learn something new about how your partner needs to be treated, and you make adjustments for next time.

What I really appreciate about Caleb is his willingness to cool off and apologize. I have had fights with previous partners last for longer than they should because neither of us wanted to admit that we were wrong. It was a constant power struggle: admit you're wrong once, and you risk being wrong on everything. Caleb's ability to admit he did something wrong and apologize has made it so much easier for me to do the same. The freedom to be wrong cannot be appreciated enough, in my eyes.

Anyway, damn, what I'm trying to say is that I totally get why people get sick of each other's shit. It is easy to get fed up with what is essentially a roommate to whom normal rules of politeness don't apply. All I can figure is that you have to stay aware of your feelings for that other person, and make a conscious decision that you will love them, and you will act like it.

[nix]

What the **** is an Irish exit?!?

[OceanEyes28]

Haha sorry, nix.

More specifically, the irish exit refers to the departure from any event without telling any friends, associates or acquaintances that one is leaving. It is almost always the result of being very inebriated/intoxicated.

[nix]

Weird, if we can walk we say goodnight!

It should mean the complete opposite tbh if accuracy is anything to go by!

[NikkiLinkle]

I think SOME people are just jaded about marriage in general or some people have a ridiculous unrealistic view about what marriage is and what it will do or won't do or what it means or doesn't mean. And then there's the 'normal' people in the middle who have a well rounded outlook about it, I like those people.

Like for some reason after you're married your relationship is better somehow? Or it gets worse because of being married? Or your relationship isn't official enough or good enough without marriage? It's just a label and usually when things get labelled it can go to your head and change things where things don't need to be changed or your expectations change for some reason.

I like the idea of marriage only because it's the ultimate way to commit to someone and celebrate it, or is it? You can commit and celebrate your relationship any given day in any way you like! I think commitment is whatever it means to you and your partner. Marriage sounds romantic and junk. But at the end of the day, being married or not being married, really shouldn't change how your relationship works or doesn't. People are awesome and annoying as shit, you're going to get on each others nerves, married or not. Marriage doesn't actually cause relationship breakdowns, people do, whether it be due to just natural changes in life, or being lazy and not putting effort in or expecting too much or too little from them and or yourself. It's like some people are like, shit I'm married now, what do I do, you keep doing what you were doing before you were married you dip shits! Because it was working enough for you to want to get married in the first place! Or some people are like, oh we aren't married yet, you must not LOVE me enough, I'm out! Again if it is working, why let that shit **** it up?

Anyway, I'm not big on marriage, but I do like the idea of it, it's not a bad thing. I would get married if the time came, but I'm not screaming for it either. Each to their own, but some people need to chill the heck out about it.

[Lily]

I'm not married yet, but I assume that I will be in four months. Planning the wedding is stressful, and I see the value in short engagements/elopement now lmao..

tell me about it

we are getting married in 2 months. married life will be a doddle compared to the stress of planning this wedding. It's been a nightmare. it brings out the worst in people, interefering, expectations, you have to have this, you have to do that. Fell out massively with his family for a couple of months over it as well. TOTALLY not worth the hassle. Wish we had just gone off and done something low key/abroad hahaha.

Oh well, it'll be over soon D:

[Illusion]

I just think that once married, people change their behavior towards one another. For example, before marriage, people want to spend time together and do things for each other because their relationship is relatively fresh/new and they want to stay in the relationship to eventually marry. Once married and with time, they fall into a routine and start to feel comfortable and safe in the relationship so they no longer need to do many of the things they did when they were going out because they already have that other person permanently in their life. That's my far-off view of the subject. Then you have all the personal issues with people, expectations, extended family, etc, etc.

[Zargabaath]

I just think that once married, people change their behavior towards one another. For example, before marriage, people want to spend time together...

Depending on how long they dated I feel some people in the beginning of a relationship spend an inordinate amount of time together. Sometimes forgettting about their life before hand. Then things settle down and issues arise as to why one person is not spending as much time with their partner.

I know I have erred by doing this with my last relationships. It creates an unreal expectation of a part of the relationship.

This may tie in to what you said if the couple gets married relatively quickly.


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