Kinda sick

[rianoa]

This may sound stupid but I need honest opinions on the situation,

It's about my boyfriend we've been going out for a year and a few months and its long distance iv'e talked to my friends about the situation but they just say what they think they have to say lol.

He's done this for months he's got worse over time and can be really paranoyed such as asking where im going who im going with and asking what time il be back. That didn't bother me at first until he would go out and not tell me anything but i have to tell him where im going such as he went out so i decided i would, and i went out with a friend of mine who is a guy and my bf rang me I didn't hear it for it was on silent when i got back and went on msn he was like "where was you how come you didn't answer" and I said "You where out so i thought i would so i went to jasons". Then he acused me of cheating on him with my friend Im no longer friends with jason now because of it my boyfriend would always bring it up such as "You seen jason lately it seems like you really like him, are you gona leave me for him?" And it got really frustrating.
He always goes out all the time and if i do the same he gets all defensive and he made my new years resolution to be drink less cause i aparently drank to much but its fine for him to go get stoned and pissed every weekend ?
And dont get me wrong i have talked to him about it and he just continues it and wonders why i get anoyed im sick of him being such a hypocrite.

What do i do am i over reacting or should i do somthing

[Zargabaath]

You are not over reacting at all. You need to lay a firm rules for both of you or you should walk. Either both of you can drink to whatever limit each of you decide, get stoned (if you do), not tell where you are going. Whatever you decide it must be equal for you, however, I do not think your boyfriend would adhere to the rules. He seems like one of those guys who can do anything he wants but not his girlfriend. Either put that man in his place or walk out. There are guys who can be better/ more compatible to you than he is.

Has this relationship always been long distanced? Where does he live and where do you live ( you can give me just the state if that is all you are comfortable with). If you two have never lived close to each other then this relationship will be a lot harder. I suggest finding someone closer and if one of you move away you have a better framework.

Talk to him, make fair rules for both, but if you feel he won't or hasn't followed them and has gotten on your case still - do not hesitate to leave. Do not develop a case of what I call "Beaten wife syndrome". Where the woman will take the poor behavior, excuses, and treatment of their man because deep down he really loves her. I don't want any woman to go through that - remember to stand up for yourself. Hope this has been helpful.

[Victoria]

Zargabaath hit the nail on the head with what I wanted to say, and I'll just enforce it.
That guy sounds like an asshole.

Do what Zarga suggested and create rules and stipulations that are equal to both of you, and if you have even the slightest inkling that he won't bother with them, then just toss him to the curb and be done with him and find someone better.

[MossNoth]

I can't really add much more to this topic, since Zargabaath and Mistress Sheena have said everything you needed to hear already.

This sounds like a control issue, and it's not ever going to get better unless you take control. Even then, it likely won't pan out in your favor. I would personally advise that you drop him, since you seem so dissatisfied as it is; and I also might mention that it seems like you're leaning towards breaking up with the guy already, and want our advice to confirm your tentative decision. You've got the right idea to place your feelings and needs first, since he's acting the way he is. Trust your feelings, and go with what you think is best.

I hope you end up finding a happier alternative to the way things are currently going.

[Pete]

The relationship is never gonna work out if you're not happy. It's all about give and take, and quite frankly all you're getting is bullshit, or so it seems.

Long story short, drop him. The bullshit isn't worth it, and you'll wind up finding someone who makes you happier down the road.

[MossNoth]

The relationship is never gonna work out if you're not happy. It's all about give and take, and quite frankly all you're getting is bullshit, or so it seems.

Long story short, drop him. The bullshit isn't worth it, and you'll wind up finding someone who makes you happier down the road.

Quoted For Truth.

Well said, Pete. You're cleverer and more contrite with words than I am.

[Darkdragoon]

Zargabaath hit the nail on the head with what I wanted to say, and I'll just enforce it.
That guy sounds like an asshole.

Do what Zarga suggested and create rules and stipulations that are equal to both of you, and if you have even the slightest inkling that he won't bother with them, then just toss him to the curb and be done with him and find someone better.

Ive never been a relationship because everybody hated me... Well they liked me for 1 reason but... Like Mistress Sheena said, he does sdound like a real freakin asshole!!! >.< Excuse my french.

[LokentheWolf]

A relationship is a two way street. And lemme tell you from a standpoint of being a guy. I'm completely honest with the person I'm with. If I wasnt, if I got defensive over being asked where I was going, and what I was doing, then there'd be something wrong. If your willing to be completely open with him, and tell him what your doing at your friends house then he should do the same. And if he's going to enforce something on you, like toning down your drinking, then do it for yourself, not him. If you dont think you get that drunk offen, then screw him, he's how far away?

He's controling you from far away, shoving down your throat things he thinks you should do. When you go off to your friends house, your not being a good little puppie and waiting impatiently for him to get home. Just like a dog, he wants you to be at the computer waiting and whining till he gets back. And the reason he doesnt tell you where he's going or how long he'll be gone only adds to your anxious heart. This behavior is wrong and unless he's willing to drop it, there's no reason to be with him any longer.

I cant add anything past what others have already said, but I hope that you can see that this behaviour is wrong. And tbh, the moment that you dont have to worry about him the better you'll feel inside.

[LocoColt04]

I'd say drop the guy. People always deserve another chance but it sounds like you've already tried talking to him about it, and he always seems to turn it around on you.

My girlfriend's got three or four guys who fawn over her. Every nerdy guy wants a cute nerdy girl to call his own, right? For the first couple of weeks we were dating, I'd feel that nasty tinge of jealousy any time one of them would come around or she'd go hang out with them, knowing that they wanted to steal her away (two of them even said it to me themselves).

But I got over it fast. We built a foundation of trust and now I could really care less if she's off with her guys for hours in the middle of whoknowswhere. She's her own person and is more than welcome to hang out with whomever she likes. It's not my place to tell her who she can and can't spend her spare time with. Just as most of my friends are female, most of hers are male.

I know I'd be pretty pissed if she started telling me who I could and could not hang out with.

[Rocky]

You have a boyfriend, but it's okay for you to go and hang out with a guy friend? like, just you and him? And you expect him to not think things are happening between you two? ...really?

Like, I can understand you being upset with him not telling you where he is going and stuff. If you two want a successful relationship, then you need to work out your problems. One of them happens to be communication. In order to eliminate unnecessary drama between you and your boyfriend, you two both need to be communicating with each other. You want communication, but when you didn't answer his phone call, do you really think that you are fully capable of carrying out your end of the compromise?

second of all, a big LOL @ him making your new years eve resolution. I think that's kinda funny.

Anyways, I know what is wrong with your relationship. You're still bitter that he is not telling you where he is going, and instead of getting your relationship boundries straightened out, you want to make your boyfriend jealous so you chose to see your guy friend by yourself just to spite him. I'm sorry but if that's case which I am 100% sure it is because I am a god irl then that is messed up and you don't deserve to be in a relationship in the first place because you're not upfront enough about getting things worked out and you'd rather play headgames with your boyfriend, which is childish and immature.

Anyways, I think you should give him the ultimatum of telling him it's off if hes not going to tell you where he is going, if that is what upsets you so. If that is the case then you need to reassure you that you're going to do the same thing for him. If not, then not only do you need to NOT be in a relationship with him, but you also do NOT need to be in a relationship in general.

[OceanEyes28]

You have a boyfriend, but it's okay for you to go and hang out with a guy friend? like, just you and him? And you expect him to not think things are happening between you two? ...really?

Independent lady not your type, huh?

Girls have guy friends. I have several. Just because I'm in the same room as a guy friend (JUST THE TWO OF US) does not mean we are ****ing. Communication is important, but so is trust. If you need to know where someone is at all times and it ****s you up that they have friends, even of the opposite sex, then you don't trust that person. Or you're projecting your own insecurity about how you might behave in that situation onto them, and that's a whole other issue.

Rianoa, life is too short to deal with some manchild who doesn't trust you. If you're the kind of person who thrives in a needy relationship like the one you're describing, go ahead and move forward with this guy. But it sounds like you're not, and that you're unhappy. If you're unhappy: bail. You aren't married, you don't have kids (right?), you have no obligation to this guy other than to be faithful and honest and he won't even trust you to do THAT.

In the same vein, you need to be able to trust him to not cheat on you/embarrass you when he's out with friends. You might not always know where he is. That can be okay if you trust each other. If you don't think you can trust him... why are you in a relationship with him?

This guy might be hard to get rid of, though, if you do decide to end things. Just tell him how you feel. How you feel is not debatable. And one time will not be enough. He will bargain with you, argue with you, and throw several tactics your way to get you not to break up with him. Just repeat how you feel and stick to your guns. He'll get it eventually.

Best of luck.

[Shan'do Spike]

I'm not going to come in here and try to say that you absolutely have to dump him. That being said: there's a clear communication problem between the two of you. I'm not sure if this has always been a long distance relationship, but he clearly is caught up in a state of paranoia. I'm not sure why it is, but if you want your relationship to hold up, he's going to have to be taken out of it. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to hang around with guys by yourself (assuming of course, like I am, that nothing happens), but you guys should be being honest with each other. If he's going to insist you tell him, he really needs to tell you where he's going. And he has no business telling you what your resolutions should be. You're your own, independent person. If you want to break up with him, well, you're perfectly entitled to. If you don't, and you want this to end, you're going to have to sit him down and have a talk with him. You need to be equals in this relationship, and he clearly is not giving you the same as he is demanding of you.

Also, what Alisyn said is completely right. I'm a guy, but almost all of my best friends have been female. Needless to say, I certainly haven't slept with most of them.

[Rocky]

Independent lady not your type, huh?

False. What I am going to say is that I really don't believe that women that are in a relationship have to be hanging out in a one on one situation with another man. To me, that just seems like the woman is asking for trouble. I think the only way I could ever be okay with that is if the guy friend was best friends with my girlfriend over a long timeframe. If she has been good friends with the guy much longer then when I have first met my girlfriend, then yeah, I don't see a big problem with that, as long as I don't think the guy is a douche or anything. If she is hanging out with some guy that I have never heard of all by herself and won't answer my phone calls, then red flags will be going off in my mind.

In the same token, If I'm in a relationship I'm not going to spend time with other girls one-on-one. I don't want to send my girlfriend a bad message and cause drama. That just seems silly to me, and I wouldn't want to be put in that position either. Sure, I have a few really good female friends that I could hang out with by myself if I ever needed to get another perspective on things, but I wouldn't go leave my girlfriend and talk to them by myself if my gf doesn't care for them. I think some mutual respect goes a long way, and how rinaoa is telling it, I don't think that there is any in what she has going for her at this point.

[Shan'do Spike]

False. What I am going to say is that I really don't believe that women that are in a relationship have to be hanging out in a one on one situation with another man. To me, that just seems like the woman is asking for trouble. I think the only way I could ever be okay with that is if the guy friend was best friends with my girlfriend over a long timeframe. If she has been good friends with the guy much longer then when I have first met my girlfriend, then yeah, I don't see a big problem with that, as long as I don't think the guy is a douche or anything. If she is hanging out with some guy that I have never heard of all by herself and won't answer my phone calls, then red flags will be going off in my mind.

They don't have to be, but if the trust is there, what possible benefit do you get out of restricting the girl from being able to do that? Even if it's a new friend, that doesn't necessarily mean she's going to cheat on you. And it seems to me like you're far more likely to engender bitterness by being overly restrictive than you are to get into to trouble by letting her hang out with other guys.

Now, I mean, if the guy's a complete creep or something, then you have some leg to stand on, but otherwise..

In the same token, If I'm in a relationship I'm not going to spend time with other girls one-on-one. I don't want to send my girlfriend a bad message and cause drama. That just seems silly to me, and I wouldn't want to be put in that position either. Sure, I have a few really good female friends that I could hang out with by myself if I ever needed to get another perspective on things, but I wouldn't go leave my girlfriend and talk to them by myself if my gf doesn't care for them. I think some mutual respect goes a long way, and how rinaoa is telling it, I don't think that there is any in what she has going for her at this point.

I'm a trustworthy guy. I know this. My GF knows this. A lot of my friends are female, and some of them I didn't really start being friends with until after we started dating. My GF doesn't get upset by me hanging out with them, but that's because I've given her absolutely no reason to doubt that I'm genuine, because I have been. And I'd be very annoyed if I couldn't hang out with a lot of my friends just because they're female and I'm in a relationship. There's absolutely no reason for it to cause drama if the people actually do trust each other.

[RagnaToad]

If I'm in a relationship I'm not going to spend time with other girls one-on-one. I don't want to send my girlfriend a bad message and cause drama. That just seems silly to me, and I wouldn't want to be put in that position either. Sure, I have a few really good female friends that I could hang out with by myself if I ever needed to get another perspective on things, but I wouldn't go leave my girlfriend and talk to them by myself if my gf doesn't care for them. I think some mutual respect goes a long way, and how rinaoa is telling it, I don't think that there is any in what she has going for her at this point.

That seems kind of immature. I don't mean to be offensive but limiting your group of friends because it might send the "wrong message" to your partner is just stupid in my opinion. If you're both mature, trustworthy people who love eachother, everything is going well and no one has ever cheated on the other one, I don't see why you can't hang out with someone of the opposite sex. There's always going to be "tension", but only if you recognise the tension. I think you as a couple should get passed that. Just saying. But if you're both agreeing to not hanging out with people from the opposite sex, I guess that is ok, in some weird way.

As for the actual topic:

Your boyfriend sounds like a total asshole and is simply put a hypocrite. He obviously feels no need to tell you where he's at while you should feel guilty for hanging out with a male friend?

That's just wrong.

Quite frankly, that doesn't sound like a relationship. I don't understand why you're still bothered by the guy's response to what you do. If I was in a long distance relationship and my girlfriend would behave like that, her reactions would start to lose their importance. If he's going to behave like a total asshole, I don't see how he can call himself your boyfriend.

Especially in a long distance relationship where you can't hang out, have sex or do anything together.

[winterborn86]

Wow I think me and your boyfriend will hit it off straight away lol

I'm exactly like that, I know it not nice too be that way, but I feel like I have every right to be this way, as my partner has gone behind my back many times before and don't trust him at all and he knows this.

[RinoaHeartillyAngel]

typical jealous and insecure boyfriend...
try to solve the matters by talking calmly to him, reassuring him that you're not cheating on him and you're not gonna break up but make him understand that you need your time alone with your friends as well.
He's probably afraid you might find someone better than him and you're gonna break up, so he's becoming paranoid and wants to know your every move to feel safe.
Just make him understand that he can't be involved in everything that happens in your life and that he's your boyfriend, and it feels weird when he interrogates you like a father would to his daughter.
I really don't know what else to say...
the truth is that my ex didn't want me to go out with my friends and always spend time with him, even though I have made it clear from the start that my friends are my first priority...
But just because I did break up with him in the end (or better he broke up with me for ending up never paying attention to him and always leaving him for my friends), doesn't mean you must do the same.
I know my attitude was wrong, but I only did that 'cause I wanted to break up, but didn't want to tell him it was over, so I gave him a reason to break up with me...

When I get into university and start studying psychology, I'll tell you more on that matter...

I wish you the best.

~Noone can predict the future, there are no guarantees~
Nagia

[Rocky]

That seems kind of immature. I don't mean to be offensive but limiting your group of friends because it might send the "wrong message" to your partner is just stupid in my opinion. If you're both mature, trustworthy people who love eachother, everything is going well and no one has ever cheated on the other one, I don't see why you can't hang out with someone of the opposite sex. There's always going to be "tension", but only if you recognise the tension. I think you as a couple should get passed that. Just saying. But if you're both agreeing to not hanging out with people from the opposite sex, I guess that is ok, in some weird way.

I never stated limiting my group of friends, it's just that in a relationship, I wouldnt be randomly hanging out alone with some lady friend of mine while my girlfriend is busy doing something else. Too many avenues to start drama in my opinion. I also would think that my girlfriend would feel the same way about it as well. Stuff like that builds trust. Yeah, in the past I would have my lady friends and my gf would have her guy friends, but neither of us hang out with them alone all the time and not answer phone calls/texts when we're away. That to me seems like something that isn't ok in some wierd way.

[LokentheWolf]

I never stated limiting my group of friends, it's just that in a relationship, I wouldnt be randomly hanging out alone with some lady friend of mine while my girlfriend is busy doing something else. Too many avenues to start drama in my opinion. I also would think that my girlfriend would feel the same way about it as well. Stuff like that builds trust. Yeah, in the past I would have my lady friends and my gf would have her guy friends, but neither of us hang out with them alone all the time and not answer phone calls/texts when we're away. That to me seems like something that isn't ok in some wierd way.

So you've never missed your Cellphone ringing? Ever? In the history of you having a Cell? I go over to my friends house, and because I tell my girlfriend that I'm going to be there, that I'll probly be playing a game, or watching a movie, she understands that if I miss the phone it isnt because Im banging some chick. :/

I think its rather silly that you limit yourself because you want to reduce drama in your life. What it sounds like is that she had her guy friends, and you had your gal friends, and she complained that you were alone with them imo.

Not attacking you bro, but seriously consiter this. Unless you have done something to make her think that your going to cheat on her, only then should she be weary about you hanging out with other girls. And likewise, if she's done something to worry you about hanging with guys alone, then you have a valid reason. Though I do applaud you realising that your a carnal creature and that you dont want to put yourself in the line of temptation.

Not that you'd actually do anything, but being a guy I understand how carnal we really are. It's natural. And if nothing went on with your girl friends there would be no problem calmly explaining that nothing happened, and nothing would happen. And you should have no problem dealing with it. Friends are friends, why should anyone tell you who and who not to hang with at what times and in what events?

[ekimeinna]

yeah mostly same thoughts from others who replied this thread... just remember the principle our relationship with someone must be give and take, not give and give of take and take!! well, u know, there's a lot of guys out here that really deserves your love, not that stupid one (sorry if it sounds offending to u since we are talking about ur bf, but that is true)

u should not take so much time for that kind of relationship... i agree to some of these people that it won't make u so happy... just give it up, someday you are going to fine someone who loves u and willing to understand u and of course a trustworthy person...

hope this one will help u...

[Chez Daja]

Break up with this creep already. It's fine to ask "where are you going? Are you going with people?" It's NOT fine when you get this: "...were any guys there? Which guys? Why were you ten minutes late? Why didn't you pick up that one time I called?"

He'll ALWAYS be this way with you now. Maybe he's just too immature to be dating yet.