This isn't going to be something interesting I just wanted to say something so that someone else would see it and maybe input their opinion because i don't have one at least in this particular case.

I'm a 21 year old college student with some problems. I have roughly $20000 in debt (and building because of school) and I'm technically unemployed except for the military. I have $180 worth in bills each month and bring in a paycheck of $225. leaving roughly 40 bucks to spend each month. I work for an apartment complex and instead of a paycheck i get rent credit. about 8 months ago I lost my fiance and havent been able to maintain a serious relationship everytime i get interested in someone i get scared and say forget it. To be perfectly honest right now there is a beautiful girl who lives right across the hall who seems quite interested but i cant seem to ever knock on the door. I got jipped out of over 3/4 of m tax return this year and just when I was about to recieve a companion in the form of a dog even that fell through. Basically for the past 8 months my life has been falling apart and I have been trying to put it back together. Well within a week I have gained a $3000 cushion up front, $200 each month for the next six months, and I just got hired on somewhere to pull in an extra $600 bucks a month. On top of that I am going to be adopting my canine companion. Within a week my life flipped a 180 and i am grateful for that.

but that brings me to the way i feel now. First im bored of being single but cant find someone who meets my standards. That's not because of necessarily because of unreasonably high standards. a more accurate reason would be because of how old i am and that my standards and what i am looking for are found in much older women. Women who want to get married. You don't find that person crawling from bar to bar in a college town.

Also It has just hit me that i am in fact alone. I don't have a partner and I rarely see my family. The people I am in most contact with are "friends" who only use me for things that they need. Like because they need a shoulder to cry on, they need someone to talk about their problems with, they need alcohol and are too young to buy it themselves. They need to borrow money or food because they either cant afford their own or have no way of getting it from the store. "could you do this could you do that?" my life has become, as it seems an endless stream of favors. The fact that I'm alone doesn't help. I want a partner I want someone to move in with me and be with me and be my partner if not for the sake of falling in love with them then at the very least for the sake of not willingly being everyone else's puppet because i just want human contact.

Iv also been thinking alot about death and life It makes me sick to think that there are people out there that willingly take others lives and while as sick as that makes me it makes me almost as sick is the distribution of wealth and power in the united states and the way the justice system is dependent on that distribution. I could go out and murder someone in plain sight right now in front of hundreds of witnesses but if i had enough money it would never stick. for the sole fact that greed outweighs everyone's moral compass sooner or later. Everybody has their price. No one human or group of humans has the right to judge whether or not someone may live or die. I cant stop thinking about the permanence of death or how sudden it could be.

Love and Death are the only two things that I can think about. Everything is turning around for me and I should be happy and in a good mood. but instead the only two things I can think about is love and death and neither one of those are bringing happy thoughts at the moment.

My brain is confused and it feels stressed and knotted. Honestly I don't know what to expect from this all I just was curious to see if anyone wanted to pick around in my brain for awhile and give your opinion on how damaged i am.