Alright, guys, I know some of you peeps in MSN asked me to show some of my work around, and I promised I would deliver.
Here, I honor my word.
This is the first chapter of a story I am working, a very, very long story. It is essentially a science/fan-fiction, borrowing elements from various resources. This is still a work on progress, where the actual style has not yet been defined. This chapter would be the 3rd revision of the story, from the original version: the first was written in both Spanish slang and English, and the second version was a translation of the first.
So, without further ado, allow me to present the first chapter of my story. Feel free to critique as you wish. It still has no name, so if you wish to support with the naming, or give up some ideas, feel free to do so.
NOTE: This seems to be a bit of a hassle between new readers, so I'll add this note. The <> in some of the dialogues denotes a foreign language (in most cases, Spanish), and it's meant to represent a change in the language.
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Chapter 1
A Call to Arms
BRRRRT!!! BRRRRT!! BRRRRT!!!
“Hunh? Ah, just when I was finishing that dream. My dream girl…” Oscar woke up to the sound of a screaming buzzer, one of those new digital alarm clocks with a loud sound. He quickly proceeded to turn it off, lest his roommate be awakened by such an infernal sound. Sadly for him, his roommate could not have a pleasant sleep, and Oscar was struck by a flying pillow from an angry sleepy fellow.
<"Hey, ****er!! Better wake up now!! I passed all night studying for the Circuits test, and haven't had a shut-eye. That test's gonna be a bomb...!!!"> replied Jorge, Oscar’s not-so-nice roommate. But, Oscar was not a very early bird sleeper, and he was good at feigning sleep. <"Sure, then you played Mario on the NES. Yeah, suuuuure, I believe you...."> Jorge responded with an even sour reply: <"Dude, ****, that was for distraction, to rest up a bit. Lemme sleep, I gotta study a bit more later on. Wake up, and you better make no noise, 'k?"> Oscar was still groggy from the light sleep, and disconnected from the world. He made an attempt to reconnect, looking at the calendar.
April 23, 1993.
Taking his luggage bag, the one where his underwear was, Oscar went into the bathroom, and began his day by taking a good look at the mirror: long black hair, brown tired eyes, a dour face greeted him back. He took a very lengthy bath, washed his teeth, and put on his briefs and blue denim jeans. Returning to the room, he tried as much not to make a sound, though his efforts were in vain. At least, Jorge had not awakened up; he gained a little degree of tolerance towards Oscar’s noise, and he tried even harder to make as little noise as possible. Checked the clock; 7:25 AM, only 5 minutes before his laboratory started. That did not worried him; rather, he was quiet. It was natural for him to be late for his first classes, despite being reprimanded by tardiness. It was his nature, and there was no way for him to change. Oscar dressed with a black Metallica t-shirt, and a pair of sneakers he only wore for laboratories, altough it was his preference to wear sandals to college instead. He tied up his hair in a single tail, after a decent dose of styling gel and a few minutes of combing. Taking one last look at the mess of a room he shared, he realized: his side was the messiest, full of used clothes, books, and luggage. A small TV was at a distance, connected to a Nintendo console. He awaited for the day he could have a SNES, but the system was costly for his lifestyle. Yet, he was saving some of his work earnings for buying it, and almost had the money already.
Gulping a small serving of cereal and some fruit punch, he walked all the way to the "Colegio", the affectionate name given to the Mayaguez Campus of the University of Puerto Rico, the public university of the island. The day was cloudy…dark cloudy. Oscar feared the worst: a thunderstorm and he hadn’t even gotten outside of his dorm. At the distance, he could hear a faint radio, tuned to a popular radio show…
<"...these are Frankie Jay and Red Shadow, in your favorite show, 'Cuckoo's Nest in the Morning', on La Mega 106.9. Right now, 7:40 AM and...hey, Red, that's still on vogue, about governor Rosselló with the **** Tracy attire, closing the 20th Century...let's go for some calls. Hello?...> Oscar was not a very adept fan of radio, but he liked to listen to that program every now and then. Yet, he hasted a bit, considering the hour. He sped towards the gates of the university when his fears materialized: the sound of thunder, and the flash of lightning, tore the darkened sky. ”Aw heck, not this!!! Not only I’m late, there’s a thunderstorm brewing right in midway. Bet I’ll be struck by lightning…that’s the last thing I expect to happen. This will be a BAD day, for sure…” Oscar sped even more, racing to evade the looming rain. He could see the column of rain from a distance, drawing closer. Fortunately for him, he outrunned the rain: he saw the first drops fall just as he reached the halls of Celis building, where he took his laboratories. He made a last-time check, very quickly: safety goggles, lab coat, lab notebook…perfect. He dashed to the lab room, where he was greeted by the lab instructor, Mr. Morales.
<"Late as always, eh? I imagined. Move on: the experiment has begun without you, I have already given the explanation of the process. Please wear your coat and goggles. Let this be the last time you do this to me, you hear??"> Oscar was a bit angry by the instructor’s attitude. Definitely not a very good day to come to class. Shoulda stayed asleep: that way, I’d dream of her. One more year, and she could be available. But, meh, she ain’t gonna be with a poor guy like me, and by the time I finish engineering…she’ll be married. Think more to Earth, Oscar. Keep on Earth, don’t go daydreaming, he thought to himself as he proceeded to enter the lab.
Later that day…
<"Going">
<"Yeah, gotta help on Dr. Suárez's investigation with that study of the...thing he made to prevent corrosion. I'll see ya tomorrow. Hey, there's the game tomorrow, right? Last time Ángel couldn't come, so I dunno if he'll come today. You know?">
<"Yeah, he's coming tomorrow to throw up the campaign. What happened last time, you remember?">
<"Dude, on Azthalox's Castle. We were gonna fight against Semess and that ****er of Rook, the one that got us all last time. Better be prepared, 'k? Oh, and don't skip it, we need that Mage-User of yours, else we'll be screwed.">
<"And? That paladin of yours better not miss...heck, you never miss out a game. You'd miss only if you got hit by a car, or struck by lightning, I dunno why I have to tell you this. Anyways, see you tomorrow, alright?">
<"Yeah, see you tomorrow"> With those words, and still under a cloudy sky, Oscar made it to the laboratory of Dr. Suarez, to aid on his investigation. He was going to work alone with the doctor, as all the other people were busy with their exams. Oscar’s exam was in about 2 days, so he could help the doctor today. The ominous sound of thunder rumbled again, as lightning tore the cloudy night sky. Almost a déja vu, like earlier in the day…
Dr. Suarez left for a while to attend a fellow professor, so Oscar was alone for the moment. He needed a magnet bar to collect a piece of treated nickel that fell to the ground recently. He was a bit afraid, because of the lightning, but he quickly dismissed those thoughts. Not like a lightning’s gonna arc and strike you from the distance. You’re safe from the lightning in here, so just go and grab the magnet, get out, and that’s it. Oscar went to the table at the window, right after a lightning bolt flashed briefly in the distance. Grabbing the magnet, Oscar turned away, disposing to grab the small bar stuck between two tables with a small cord.
Then, it happened.
Just as Oscar turned, a violent blast of lightning struck his back, rushing him to the wall almost at the other side of the room. He met the table adjacent to the wall head-on, knocking him senseless. His body lay unconscious, almost lifeless, a severe burn marking his back, burnt polyester mingling with exposed burnt flesh. The blast melted the window, and almost instantly, a harsh vacuum broke it, upturning the metal bars and leaving a faint scent of ozone. A telltale sound of thunder echoed, as the doctor entered back, horrified by the sight. <"HELP!!! HELP!!! STUDENT WOUNDED!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE, QUICK!!!">
--
Drifting in a shadow, Oscar stood floating. He, however, looked different: he had no clothes, and his body emanated sparks of electricity. In his mind, his subconscious, Oscar couldn’t help but wonder if he was dead. Is this what people experience when they die? ****, I can’t die yet. Mami’s gonna suffer if I don’t wake up now. Ugh, I feel like if Andre the Giant had pummeled me with his big fists, like if I was drunk beyond the limits. What happened? Wait…I felt something striking my back, and all my body felt numb. Like…like a electric shock!!! **** it…I’m dead. I’ll just go where the white light leads me. Hope it leads to Heaven… Oscar opened his eyes, only to see complete darkness. He felt conscious, but strangely as if asleep. Made no sense…awake and sleeping? He was dreaming, that’s for sure… He saw as the sparks of energy surged his body, his naked body. His chubby constitution was replaced by a more muscular physique. He felt like floating, drifting, in nowhere. Instinctively, he searched for a light, a sound: anything that sounded real in all this oblivion. Surely, he was in a sort of complete void. Nothingness. Ginningagap…the Nothing.
Suddenly, he heard a voice. A male voice. A familiar voice. “Wake up, Oscar…”. In English? He spoke English to his friends, but he mostly spoke Spanish, almost everyday. Why English? Surely to gain his attention. Big deal. His own thoughts could catch his attention. Perhaps…that kind of attention was not what the voice wanted to capture. Oscar spoke to the voice the only thought that crossed his mind.
Are…are you…God?
Perhaps…who knows? Do you know me? Then, it would have been obvious who I was. That is…if you really knew me. If you believed in me. That means that you probably believe in Me…if that was the first though. Then again…perhaps not...
Alright then…let’s get to business. What do you want from me? I’m a simple guy, an average Joe, a nobody…
Nobody? You are important to me. Everyone is. But you…if you only knew what’s in store...
In…store?
Yes…the forces of darkness…
Erm…God? Dad? Lord? I don’t want to sound rude…IF you are God and not Satan or some figment of my imagination, but…that sounds cheesy, almost like a fiction novel or a cheap Hollywood movie. You expect me to believe that “forces of darkness” will come and do something which you were to explain to me, and I am chosen for something to deal with them? Ok, gotta stop playing D&D…I’m gonna believe soon that I’m a hero of sorts, maybe a paladin even…oh, shi-
Never mind…I care about what you do in life…but that’s not for me to decide. You decide. You can tell me that you worship that loser downstairs and I won’t care. When you realize the truth…you will come to me. And, besides…you’re crying that a game will take you to Hell, and you tend to play the good guy. Why you worry? Anyways, here’s the summary: the war for all of humanity’s souls is going to be taken to the next level.
Next…level?
Yes…this war will no longer be spiritual. It will be…physical. You see, Satan’s tired of doing it the sly way, and will now directly empower his minions with powers. Sounds cheesy? When you see people throwing balls of flame and flying in the sky, just like that game you play…you will remember me. But…I knew that was going to happen. Since the day he betrayed me…I knew he was eventually going to take it to the next level. And…I prepared.
You mean…
Now’s not the time…there will be a time and place where you’ll know everything. You’ll find out that your life will never be the same. You will not be alone. You will, however, need them, and need Me, and they’ll need you, and need Me as well. This war…shall not be won by faith alone. It shall be won by faith, but not by faith alone. Now, you must leave. Your mother’s worried sick. I understand her: losing your father, after all, was a tough one. But, I care for her. And so for you.
Ok, ok…but…wait a sec…you are not speaking and saying “So sayeth the Lord” and all that jig. Modernizing?
Do you…, the voice spoke a foreign language, sounding like Arabic, which Oscar certainly could not understand. …I’m sorry. I meant that if you could speak Aramaic, or Hebrew. I guess I take the primordial language out of the question. Yes…you could say I’m modernizing.
…Or perhaps the Metatron is modernizing, I assume? Isn’t Metatron the Voice of God?
…that…I’ll let you discover on your own. You still are sucking from your mother’s milk; don’t expect solid food anytime soon. Go…your family awaits…
Just then, a brief flash of light emerged .Oscar drifted into the light, ever faster, as if he was…
THUD!!!! BOOM!!! Loud sounds surrounded the little room where Oscar was hospitalized. It was obvious it was a hospital: he had everything, from the electrodes, the accursed coat, the serum… Oscar laid upon the floor, as if he fell from the bed he apparently rested. A doctor rushed right in, his face mixing relief and worry. <"Wow, I thought you wouldn't wake up. Are you feeling all right? I know you got quite severe burns, and the numbing must be driving you crazy, but I wanted to know if you..."> Oscar felt a bit numb and with pain, but rather than that, he felt fine. <"Eyy, doccc'...nnno worrrs...btt tirrrrd, bttt nnnnthnggg t'wrrry 'bwtttt"> Dizzy and numb, Oscar felt as he was lifted back to the bed, while listening from the doctor: <"...listen, by any means, do not work those muscles, or the torso. Those are badly wounded, and you can get hurt. Relax."> He was about to sleep, when he listened from the distance: <"...patient recovered, but he did it again. This is the third time he has done it. We have to do deeper studies...">
The next morning, Oscar woke up to the sound of chirping birds. He felt no longer numb, but felt tired, hungry, and in pain. He still felt the pain in the back. He inspected the hospital room, which had some series of markings, like if something burnt the wallpaper and cracked the wall. His inspection was interrupted by the nurse, a very lovely Miss Gonzalez. She was a very charming lady, despite her age, and apparently very amiable. <"Good morning, young'un. How you doin'? Look, we gotta clean you and dress you up all nicely for visit. Brought you breakfast. Don't get cocky, boy, I help you eat. Doctor said no needless effort, alright?"> Despite the jolly smile of Miss Gonzalez, Oscar couldn’t help but wonder: the third time? What third time?
<"Um...ma'am, what's today? I lost sense of all time and space. Little bit more, and I'd lose my memory..."> Oscar engaged the nurse in small talk, hoping to draw some information from her. <"Why, sure, son, glad to be of help!!!">
<"Today's May 5th, 1993">
<"W-What!?!?!?">
BZZAP!!!
<"Oh, cripes!! Doctor said no tensions!!! Look at what you did...oh, dear, there's no way to cover it now...">
<"Cover...what?">
<"That."> The nurse pointed at the three spots on the wall. The doctor rushed in, worried.
<"What was that? Patient...did that?">
<"Yeah, doctor. See, I tell him the date and the prick goes and twitches his muscles. And I told him, sure I did...">
<"Um...Miss, I beg your pardon. Not my intention, it's been like...what, more than a week here? Is it that bad?">
<"Erm...well...Oscar, Oscar is it? Please, point your finger to the wall, and twitch those muscles, like if you...well, just do it">
Oscar took a deep breath, as the doctor and Miss Gonzalez backed away from Oscar, as if frightened. He placed his arm towards the wall, extending his index finger. Then, he swiftly twitched his muscle…
BZZZZAP!!! BOOOOOOOM!!!! A ray of pure electrical energy emerged from his finger, much like a lightning bolt. The ray struck the wall, burning the wallpaper and chipping the wall with impulse.
“F*****CK!!!! <What the...?>" Oscar slumped, fainted by the surprise and exhausted…
Last edited by T.G. Oskar; 06-22-2008 at 09:13 PM. Reason: Adopting some of Andro's advice.
Haha. Amazing man. Just amazing. I can tell you altered stuff a bit compared to the MSN versions. Really nice though. I'm not a hardcore fan of sci-fi things in general, but this is really good. The character's have personality and it shines right through while you're reading it. My favorite part would have to with Oscar waking up and hearing that voice. I seriously thought he was talking to God at first as well.
Awesome work. Can't wait to see more of this.
Hmmm...seems not many attention has been given to this, so I'll post the second part just to see if this brings enough attention. I've gotten a lot of pep in MSN, but I really want more critique to the story.
This one is the second chapter in a running arc, which spans 12 chapters plus 2 side stories explaining some events. Given that this one is really short, it can be digested in like 5 minutes.
I might post later, and perhaps with a different title reflecting the arc's name, so that people don't get that confused and see this is a story, and not something else. Again, critique is appreciated, no matter how harsh it is, and suggestions about how to name the story are to be well-received.
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Chapter 2
New Toy
Oscar woke up, trailing the last bit of words he left unspoken. “<...f****k?> Eh…darn. With my darned luck, I bet classes are over and we’re in summer. But…what in tarnation was that? Me? With powers? Turning into some kind of male Storm or something…Odd. Ligthning strikes, next thing I know is, I got powers and was knocked 2 months off course. Nah, that must be something from my imagination. Now, if…I…just…” As he tensed his muscles to lift his body, Oscar felt an unusual spark emerge from it, touching the metal bar. The telltale sound of a spark confirmed his worst fears.
He was no longer an average human. He now could wield easily the powers of thunder and lightning…well, not so easily, but indeed he could manifest energy from his body. He tensed his biceps, showing muscle. Once again, sparks surrounded the muscle, and remained circling as much as he tensed his muscles. Less surprised, he tensed his finger muscles while they faced each other. As expected, an arc of electricity burst from one side of his hands to another. He realized that his right hand produced the arc, and his left hand received the arc. This suggested that his hands could be polarized, and which were his apparent poles.
During the time he was alone, on daylight (or so he thought, as the curtains barely let any light pass), he experimented with his newfound powers. That didn’t meant he wasn’t hungry, but his desire to know was superior. Each time he used his power, he felt a bit tired; exhausted, perhaps, as if energy was drained from him. At first, the exhaustion worried him, but somehow that lifted him suspicions, he could charge and discharge, like a battery; better yet, a living capacitor. To prove this, he approached a nearby outlet with his left hand, no avail. Despair grew again within him; he feared he was misusing his new-found powers. And, in that lapse of thought, he remembered something. He put his Physics skills into practice. Only a mere act of concentration, and remembering how to close a circuit, and Oscar realized he could get energy from more then just food. In fact, he felt revitalized from such: his pain lessened, his wound was no longer a problem. Then, he lost his exhaustion, little by little…
He spent the time charging and discharging himself, aware of his new condition. He pondered for a while about his new powers. The possibilities…and the dangers. He was particularly afraid of electrics. Now capable of manipulating currents, he feared he could not be able to use any machine depending on electricity, lest the machine suffered a short circuit and busted out. Yet…that also meant he was capable of powering up those very same electrodomestics when no energy was available. Ah, the possibilities…
Last edited by T.G. Oskar; 06-22-2008 at 09:15 PM.
Well I am enjoying the tale T.G. It has a different feel to it compared to the stuff I normally read, but I have enjoyed reading the first two chapters. Keep posting it up.
I like how you make mention and explain the simpleness of the events that happen. In the last chapter making the point that Oskar gets energy from another source than food. It seems like making those references makes the story flow simply and isn't drawn out.
I do notice that sometimes you use the same word repetitively.To me when I read it, it always stumps the flow. I think replacing the second "his body" with "it" might flow better. That is the only thing that caught my eye though.Originally Posted by T.G. Oskar
And to all you who will read this...comment on T.G. Oskar's story. He wants the attention hahaha.
I'll comment on the chance we might get more of the story sooner rather than later.
Like I said on MSN, it's good. I just like how you explained the guy knowing his powers were to do with his hands being polarized. Pretty much anyone should be able to figure it out...
How's that for a little attention?
victoria aut mors
Here's chapter three. It's by Oskar, but he can't log on for some reason.
I'm just the messenger.
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Chapter 3
Life began anew…
Only a short trip down Interstate #2, Oscar had reached his dorm. He was absent for 2 whole weeks, and classes had already finished. He looked down at his notes on his bookbag, which he brought from the hospital. His bookbag was between the few things that accompanied Oscar to the hospital. Oscar found out that the paramedics took his bookbag as requested by Dr. Suarez. He was checking the days for his final exams.
One tomorrow at 7:30 AM, one Thursday… one Saturday? Crap…
Suddenly, a wild bunch of voices interrupted his slight meditation. The voices scared him, but he swiftly regained his calm. He knew that those goosebumps could trigger the impulses he desperately tried to hide.
<"Whoa, 'Cerve' is back!!! How you doin', man? Hey, what the...?">…Oscar was not fond of some nicknames and aliases. Fish was one; el Cerve (B-Man) was another. Granted, he was a bit chubby and he seemed to have a “beer stomach”… Not much anymore, as his stomach was reduced slightly, perhaps due to the days he was unconscious, or perhaps because his body made energy from bodily fat… He barely knew, but he was happy everyone was worried about him. He felt…needed.
<"Hey, hey, Earth to Oscar... Man, you are out of orbit, lost in space. What happens?">
<"No, nothing. I mean, I was thinking. Maybe there is no more need for Beer-Man...apparently I got my tummy slimmed down...">
<"...yeah, man. You're slender, as they say. I hope I get struck by a bolt to get rid of this bloat...">
<"Hey, man, don't **** with that. That's the worst thing that can happen to you. You black out, and don't wake up for days. And, that place hurts like hech afterwards, like if they had done a backbreaker on you...">
<"I bet...but thank God you're safe. That's what matters, you are healthy. We gotta celebrate. You, today, are gonna drink with us to celebrate you're safe and sound...">
<"Uh, listen, I wanna study for tomorrow's test. Lemme rest. Go and drink that for me, mmkay?"> Oscar was not fond of drinking. He was not a drinker, not even a casual drinker, so he tried by all his means to avoid drinking. And, he did wanted to study, and apologize to Dr. Suarez for what happened. Well, more excuse than apologize, as it was…something beyond his control. He retired to his room, his still messy room, and took out his books to study for a while…
The air was flooded with the stench of blood. The land was littered by hundreds of corpses, of each and every kind. Human corpses, corpses of demons, junked tanks and vehicles… In the distance, man fought against each other. Winged beasts soared the skies, balls of flame flew from human hands, rare beasts charged against the human mages, using pikes and bayonets… The sound of rifles, bazookas, missiles, war cries, steel clanking against steel, the cries of the dying… Knights in shining armor, stained with blood, stood hand to hand with battle hardened soldiers wielding automatic rifles, making a stand against mounted men riding dark horses, clad in shadow drapes…
What…the hell…is this? I guess it really must be Hell…
He could notice that some individuals distinguished from the rest. The maniacally laughing woman, wicked flail in hand, facing a beautiful maiden in golden armor and black cloak atop a beast of steel and power, much like the mechas he saw on the anime series in college. The two ladies fought to the death, as steel and spell devastated the land they stepped. Farther away, he could notice a white cloaked blond warrior, manifesting lightning from his blade, crushing dozens of individuals while pressing the advance of a group of armored knights. Two ladies remained close to him: a beautiful girl clad in blue armor, wielding a magnificent saber, and a mature woman in white armor, lifting her blade to the sky. The white maiden’s blade sucked all the magic surrounding, protecting her comrades. A blue-dressed man struck from the shadows, felling many a sorcerer with a well-placed blow. These group was confronted by a pair of cloaked individuals, with shining blades, setting in a rare stance.
But…surrounded by war and bloodshed, by heroes and villains, two figures stood the most. In the distance, a wide area given only to them, the two figures stood still. One was a man cloaked in shadows, shaping darkness by mere force of will. Air circled around him, silently. The other was a man clad in heavy golden armor, wielding two massive blades: a shining saber, with a wide blade, whose guard grew feathery wings, and a massive greatsword surrounded by an aura of despair. The two men clashed, the sky literally ripping apart from the might of these two men.
One had a beautiful face, androgynous, with subtle masculine traits, yet a malicious smile and a dour look in his face. The other…was…
Oscar…
Oscar woke up, the darkness of night still remained. Dawn began to dispel the bleakness of night, giving way to the day. It was fortunate that he was awakened that way, because he had his test today, but… What was that? He? And that man? All those…warriors, sorcerers, soldiers, mecha pilots…He almost liked it…seemed like a really good anime series, but he was baffled to be the apparent protagonist… What was that dream’s meaning? He was only a college student, not a legendary warrior of sorts…he had his powers, but not that skill. He recalled that the other him wielded impossibly large blades in one hand, without flinching. That amount of skill…that battlefield…looked so real…
Disturbed by the odd dream, Oscar proceeded to prepare for leaving. He, of course, had a test to fill, and things to do. He went to the bathroom, and proceeded to open the shower, when the rush of cold water emerged. The sudden impulse produced a mild spark, which Oscar was quick to notice and control. He needed to be wary of those nerves, or he could provoke an accident like he had to someone else…
Later that day…
<"Hey, Oscar! How's it going? Wouldn't have guessed you were the one that got struck by lightning">
<"Hehe, I'm famous now 'cause I got struck by lightning. Twice...">
<"Ah, yeah. No problems, that we solve it next time we play, ok?">
<"Sure, no problem. And, look...sorry for not coming these last two days. I would have loved to play..."> As always, Oscar was hanging with his friends at the Student Center, especially with the geeky guys. He was mostly a geek himself, what with his backwards cap, sandals, and large bookbag, he looked quite nerdy, despite his long hair.
<"It's alright. I understand this was not your fault, so don't worry..."> replied Angel, the resident Dungeon Master of the Student Center, with his usual accent. He shared some things with Oscar: the long hair, the backwards cap, the T-shirt, the mania of always asking for chicken at the cafeteria…but aside all that, they were quite different.
Oscar sat in the far-away tables of the Student Center’s 3rd floor, surrounded by all the people he knew and shared his time with: the kind-natured John; the Gundam guru Pedro, the D&D sage Rafael…all of them people who would be shocked by Oscar’s new secret. If there were people that he had to keep his secret safe from, it would be them. But, they were just about the few people that he could entrust his secret. Sooner or later, they would know. He hanged out with them almost all day, so it was natural for him to reveal some of his dreams and secrets. Like the fact that his dream girl was none other than this year’s Miss Puerto Rico…dreams and secrets like that. Thus, he figured that one day, that utmost secret would be revealed.
I bet they’ll be surprised when they know about my powers. But I can’t tell them…or anyone. They’ll be shocked, amazed…won’t look at me the same way. They be like ‘oh, that’s really awesome’ and ‘darn, where did you get that?’ I bet Pedro will justify that since I exist, Gundams can exist. And they’ll be like ‘we thought you would do that’ if I tell them that I want to play a race with electric powers…like that dream I had. Lemme see, by the looks of it, he must be an epic Fighter, with overwhielming Strength, and loads of magic items…Stop dreaming, Oscar…stop dreaming…
Oscar’s mind wandered off to dreamland once again, as he imagined being a popular star, known by everybody, his dream girl Dayanara at his side. Smiling faces, flash of lights, the sound of paparazzis inquiring about their greatest secrets…and everyone knew him. He was famous. A superstar.
His dream was interrupted by his friends, who wanted to eat something outside of college. As always, he would go in Adam’s car, with John, who usually accompanied him to eat something. They decided to go to the nearest Denny’s restaurant, to hang out together and keep talking for a while. He was quite hungry, and hadn’t eaten anything for the day, so he would ask for something big. He wished he could drink one of the shakes, but he always asked for something big like T-Bone steak, and since he ate many appetizers, he was full by the time he reached dessert.
Not this time. This time…he was unusually hungry… He ate the appetizers, as normal: a bunch of mozzarella sticks, and asked for a large salad afterwards. His hunger unable to be satisfied, he went for main course immediately: a large T-Bone, with baked potato and rice, which he gulped almost instantly. He was still hungry by the time he reached dessert, so he could finally ask for his shake. Yet, despite the shake, he felt hungry, as he hadn’t eaten anything in the day. In fact, he felt…hungrier…
<"Eh, I dunno what's happening, but I'm still hungry. I ate all mozzarella sticks, one chicken salad, the T-Bone, the shake and I'm hungrier than ever.">
<"Say what?!?!? All you ate, and you still hungry?">
<"Even I am speechless. I got money, I pay for all of my stuff, don't worry...">Having said that, Oscar proceded to ask for more food…
Three chicken salads, five quesadillas, two hamburgers, one Country-Fried Steak, 4 sandwiches, and 2 milkshakes with 3 sundaes and 2 slices of pie and cake later, Oscar finally satisfied himself, his friends and everyone in the restaurant baffled by the sight. Oscar ate in a single serving what 3 people would eat for an entire day, much to his own amazement.
<"Damn, Oscar, this time you've overdone it...all that food, in one day? How the hell...?">
<"Must have been not eating for two days...though I doubt it...">
But he knew better…or at least he suspected.
It was his body, which needed more “fuel” for his powers and to keep going on. He was discovering more about himself, and his new situation. He knew he couldn’t eat more than needed, or that at least, he needed to compliment his food with direct energy intake from a nearby outlet, in order to keep the image of a normal being.
__________________________________________________ _____________________
Far away, on an unknown office, at an undisclosed location…
“Yes sir…we’ve received reports from a certain Dr. Martin Gutierrez that there are signs of a person developing rare powers…”
“…Lieutenant Thompson, you know better no tto trust on what people can say… It is impossible that some…individual…can develop powers, or use magic, or things that belong to fiction. They say about psychic powers, but I’m saying that must be bull…”
“I’m sorry sir. I won’t bother you with those news again. Though, he admits there are witnesses, and that he can generate more power than a nuclear explosion, were it to be harnessed as energy…”
“As I said, that’s a blatant lie. You’re dismissed, Lieutenant”
“Sir, yes sir” Upon leaving the office, Lieutenant Marlon Thompson thought about the “strange event” that happened last week on Puerto Rico, as reported by intelligence agents. The agents claim that a man, who calls himself Dr. Martin Gutierrez, speaks of a young man capable of developing rare and unusual powers to manipulate lightning. He thought of it as falsehood, but still needed to report that to the pertinent authorities. Which meant reporting to the stoic and skeptic Captain Arlo Jenkins, the kind of guy who barely believed in electrical energy himself. Thompson was baffled by such a report, and that intelligence agents reported that to him, when such a thing was not even possible…
Meanwhile, in Capt. Jenkins’ office…
“Yes…I would like to speak with the assistant director of the CIA’s Paranormal Investigation Services. There’s a new case happening, and I would like to conduct the investigation. I find the case…rather interesting…”
“Yes sir, right away…”, the voice replied from the telephone. In his desk, a file of about 9-10 pages, marked “CONFIDENTIAL – TOP SECRET – U.S. ARMY INTELLIGENCE” all over the folder, stood open. In the report, speaking of a paranormal event regarding national security, a photo of Oscar was placed, in the scene where he was struck by lightning. The report contained a rather burnt paper, a kind of reading, which was outlined at a very disturbing part. The markings, written in inkpen, were accompanied by a remark, which said:
UNUSUAL READINGS: THE MACHINE WAS CHECKED TO EXHAUSTION, AND THE DAMAGE RECEIVED INDICATES THE COUNTER WAS NOT DEFECTIVE AT THE MOMENT OF THE READING. THE RESULTS ARE 98.375% RELIABLE. FORWARD TO POSSIBLE CONSIDERATION TOWARDS FUTURE EXPERIMENTATION. RELAY TO CIA – PIS IMMEDIATELY.
victoria aut mors
First things first: I *did* authorized Nate via MSN to post the third chapter, in case you somehow still wondered. Had some entry problems in here, and people wanted me to post the third chapter, so there.
Second: indeed, I received a lot of pep on MSN, and I was asked to post it in here. However, it was weird that few people were interested in commenting after I posted it. Hence, why I was asking, requesting, to increase the comments to add more content. I know, it's a bit shame-less, but had to do it so that I could raise interest. I know: perhaps the first few chapters had little action, but eventually the action picks up...a little. I mean, there's no 5 pages full of kicks and punches, just a description of action. After all, why give a detailed description of a fight when the character has little training even in his own powers?
Third, the original form is very different from what is presented in here. The first version had English and Spanish intertwined (most of the dialogue on brackets was originally in Spanish), and with feedback, it has developed into a full English version. Also, as more people read it, more errors on writing people find, and I improve. I love feedback, so the more the merrier, alright? This is the main reason I seek for feedback: to improve with writing, and to make a more interesting story.
So, having explained a bit more of stuff (and still asking a nice name for the entire series, as well), I give you the fourth chapter. There's 12 chapters plus 2 side stories that are useful explaining some events on the main story, so eventually I'll post them all.
__________________________________________________ _______________
Chapter 4
Becoming a superhero…
The period of final exams was finally over. Oscar thought that his “accident” would negatively affect his grades, but the event made not a dent on his grades. The exams were hard: calculus, physics, chemistry… And finally, he was at his house, that two-story townhouse on the border between Río Piedras and Carolina. Near his first, and only, school he assisted, with the same nuns, the same priest, the same parish… Nothing had changed in old Villa Olímpica. Except him...
Oscar struggled to remain a normal person, despite the accident. There, at his dorm, he was capable of consuming all the energy he needed to subsist, without anyone noticing. At least, he thought no one noticed. But, he was careful. Not that he was careless, blasting rays out of nowhere, and for no apparent reason. He barely consumed energy: in fact, he barely needed to eat. He ate only to keep the image up. He even managed to feign interest in naturism to get the essential vitamins, to complement his new diet of solid food and electric energy. Now, on his long summer vacation, he could get the rest he needed to think. How? How will he live hiding his powers for the rest of his life?
<"Look, Guillermo, tomorrow we planned to go to the beach, you know, to relax and take a dip. Long time we haven't gone there...">
<"Ma...better not. It's...I feel at times the scar of the bolt burning, and I don't want it to bleed or something like that...">
<"Oh, don't get that cocky, I know that you want to take that dip, and also, the scar closed almost seamlessly. A bit of sun would not go wrong on you, you heard?">
Oscar tried, at least, to prevent any instance of trouble. But, this time it was hard to avoid. He wanted to go to the beach, and his scars healed quite fast. But, he knew for a fact: he didn’t want to endanger other people, and he knew his powers would quickly spread because of the salt water. He was afraid to be even in a pool, were he unable to control his power.
Apparently, the troubles were only beginning…
After a brief yet meaningful family feud because of the beach, Oscar retired to his room, or to the room he used when he was here. He slept with his mother, as there was no other room for him: his sisters had one of the rooms, and his grandmother had the other room of the house. He wanted since long a room for himself, to no avail. That little fact angered him a bit more, because he felt lacking his private space to retire when he needed to feel alone. He had to settle with being called jíbaro (hillbilly) by his family and assisting to the beach, although he could skip going to the water.
He also realized how bad a liar he was. He was quite honest, to a point.
But he placed little importance to the quibble, or to the fact that he was a bad liar, or his lack of privacy. His future was more important: what future he would have, to miss on things he liked in fear of harming somebody. Because the beach was not the only thing he felt had to sacrifice.
He felt incapable of controlling his power. He knew very little about it, about its precedence, and the way to use it. Or so he thought. Perhaps…he was scared. Scared of hurting someone, somebody, to be looked at as a freak of nature, that his power was used for the benefit of another… He felt scared that a mere scare could kill a friend, that a mere pass of his hands through any metallic surface could endanger another. He would have to be wary of using electrical appliances, or risk a short circuit. And…he would be incapable of telling a word to any soul.
<"Guillermo, hurry up!! We're going."> Guess he could not escape of the truth: he had to live his life as he had once before…
It was a beautiful sunny day. The sea of the beaches of Isla Verde, now free of the habitual algae that fill the sea on the days around the Holy Week, was inviting all comers to an unforgettable reunion with the sea. The imposing blue sea, as far as the eye could see; touching the blue sky, crowned by the majestic sun. Not a cloud in the sky. The only rain present was the soft, warm bath on sunlight, slowly tanning the beautiful ladies of the island, and the visitors of all nations. Watching the sea was a sign of how little were humans, against the imposing force of nature. And it’s majestic beauty…all sign of the Lord’s great creation. All too ironic: such a beautiful day in the sea, and he was unable to enjoy it. The day was going to be a hot one, and his only relief was inaccessible to him.
The day was swiftly passing, and so was the moment Oscar and his family would return to their home, perhaps eating something during the way. But, to Oscar, the passage of time was instead slow and unending. He had to contend with his sisters’ incessant teasing, his mother insisting on only a dab to the feet. But to Oscar, that was enough to create a disaster. It was not easy to contend with all the pressure, but just a quick reminder of how dangerous was a live wire kept him behind. He was, practically, an organic “live wire” He only awaited the moment his family would depart. He felt that fate was also teasing him, bothering him. Fate, however, had another thing in store…
Finally, the moment of parting. Oscar’s family was tired of insisting, and only complied with a scornful “your loss…” Perhaps the only thing that could recomfort him was the idea of spending time with his family without harming anyone. As he expected, the family settled on eating outside tonight. At Denny’s, to his delight. He was already savoring the delicious milkshakes, and was trying to make space for one of them. Once they reached, which was not too far away from the beach, the family was a little baffled by the sight. Apparently, a group of people from a television network were also dining that day, and they had cameras and equipment with them. Oscar could only wonder: what the heck where they doing there? Apparently, they were going to record something. The moment was odd, but the family paid little attention to it. Instead, the family concentrated on why Oscar didn’t wanted to bath in the water, when at other times he had no troubles with it, and when the water was so delicious that day.
<"Hands on the air, everyone!!! This is a robbery!!!"> The relative peace of the diner was interrupted by the sudden gunshot of two thugs, as they entered and assaulted the store. Oscar and his family were quite scared, to be witnesses of the horrendous criminal wave that enveloped the island, and on such a beautiful day. The cameras, the equipment, the money, even the belongings of all the diners were stolen; Oscar’s family’s as well. Then, to make things worse, they decided to take a hostage, promising that they would kill him or her if they called the police. One of the foreign executives was about to be taken, when a single voice, full of fear but intermixed with a strange determination, and even a growing courage, singled from the crowd’s silence…
<"HEY!!! Don't take him. Better...take me instead. I'll be your hostage...">
<"...Smartass...alright...anyone calls the cops, we finish him, you hear?">
Oscar’s family was baffled and in tears, because of Oscar’s sudden choice. They tried to convince the thugs to leave him alone, to no avail. The thugs ran from the store, aided by some other people hanging outside, taking Oscar away with them. His family, in tears, could only wonder: why did Oscar accept to leave with them? Why?
Oscar, however, had another thing in mind…
The band was escaping away, holding a gun at Oscar, and securing their passage by running to the stairs. The thug that held Oscar went last, uttering one more threat of killing the hostage if they called the police. Oscar only thought of one thing, a risky thing indeed.
He only waited the moment when the thug released the gun from his head. He was tired of hiding the truth. He would use all of his power, as much as he needed, to single out each and every one of the band’s members. The fact that the band hid in the parking lot was a relief to him: not much people would know the truth. The thug that held him in bay was a bit slower than the rest, but stronger. He was struggling with Oscar, who resisted enough to stall him, despite the threats that he would kill him. Finally, the moment could not be better: Oscar stepped on the thug’s feet, momentarily releasing the gun from his head. Instinctively, and reflexively, Oscar thrusted his arm towards the thug’s throat, and unleashed a sudden jolt of electricity. He grabbed the thug’s neck fiercely, while the other was convulsing madly. He ran away towards the stairs, hiding nearby to take cover. The thugs shot madly at him, who used the concrete wall to protect from the gunfire. When he heard no more shots, Oscar turned back into the small passageway, and unleashed a potent bolt that struck the nearby car. The thugs screamed of fear, wondering from where did the bolt struck at, while Oscar took cover again, cursing his lack of accuracy. He tilted his head, carefully, to watch over the passageway. The thugs watched at him again, and unleashed a new barrage of shots before running away, panicked by the jolt. Hearing the footsteps, Oscar tilted his torso over to the other side, and managed to see the band escaping. Carefully pointing his index and middle fingers to one of the running criminals, Oscar unleashed a fearsome lightning bolt, which promptly struck the thug. The scream of pain alerted the other thugs, which panicked at the sight of a fallen partner, struck by an apparent current of electricity. The sole idea of their hostage controlling the rays was unacceptable, but strangely true. The moment of doubt was enough for Oscar to take the upper ground: he unleashed another carefully aimed bolt at the band’s apparent leader, before he covered from the last barrage of gunshots. The panicked screams of the thugs could only mean Oscar one thing.
He finally had the upper hand in the situation. He had the only loaded gun, and of course the power flowing from his veins. He proceeded to run after the criminals, strangely covering the ground between them in mere instants. Standing some distance, he unleashed a few more bolts, this time in greater control. The bolts were wider, and stronger, taking all the remaining thugs down, save one. Oscar drew distance between them, his hand filled with serpentine currents of electricity that gave an eerie light, and a faint smell of ozone.
<"W...w...wha...what...d-ddd...do you...w-want from...f-fffrom usss...L-lemme...lemme g-go...LEAVE ME ALONE!!!">
<"Oh, yeah? Now, you want to leave in peace, quiet, what about before? When your band was threatening everyone, the big bosses. Now, you're here, your pants all crapped up, at my mercy...">
<"Y...y-you...YOU ARE A MONSTER!!!">
<"Monster? No...but maybe your worst nightmare..."> Ending the phrase, Oscar pummeled the thug with a lightning filled fist, right to the head of the criminal. Breathing deeply, Oscar regained his composure, and his calm attitude. He checked his hair to see if it was burned. Nothing, like if nothing had passed. Only a bunch of convulsing bodies, smoking, some perfectly still. He wondered how he was going to explain the rare phenomena he had just created. There were tension lines, but that was not enough. The fat, strong thug that held him was also shocked, and in a specific point. That would be a nightmare to explain. But, for a moment, he felt powerful. He felt useful. He felt…courageous, brave. He felt like a hero. No, he was a hero…
Better yet…a super-hero… What did he had top envy to Batman, Superman, Spider-Man…he was real, his powers were real, his acts were real.
The police that entered the place were real as well, and so did the paramedics, after the police found out about the crippled thugs. And Oscar? He feigned to faint, knowing he was the only sole witness of the event. He had to feign ignorance. He “awoke” to the sight of various officers, and paramedics, swiftly checking his condition. A result of stable relieved the family, after the odd event which almost took the life of one of its members. Oscar reunited with his family once again, confounded in a large hug between the entire family. When the policemen asked the situation, Oscar feigned ignorance, attributing a state of desperation that left him unconscious. He also told that before he fainted, he could smell the odd scent that permeated the air, which he could “not recognize”. He quickly asked what happened to the gang, to which the paramedics responded vaguely.
One dead, many severely wounded, and one criminal in very critical condition, all apparently burned in specific parts of the body. All stolen things were unharmed.
During the way home, Oscar was sorely confronted by his mother, his sisters and his grandmother about the “senseless” situation that he got himself into. Between cries and shouts, his family debated him the delicate condition of being a hostage, that he could have been killed, that those criminals were madmen, and that his actions could result in a tragedy. Oscar was looking at the distance, knowing he had to do what he had to: use his powers for the greater good, for justice. He found a reason for his condition.
Reaching his house, the discussion continued. But this time, all sat down at the dining table and asked Oscar why he did it. Oscar riposted by saying he felt he needed to do something, that it was better to take hostage a normal person than a foreigner, much less an important person such as an executive of an important network. He felt it was his “civic duty”. The answer was sour and full of spite: such civic action would only end in tragedy for the family, and needless suffering. Oscar’s mother was the loudest voice in the crowd, stating that she was not willing to bury one of her children at such early age, much less because of their irresponsible acts. That word struck Oscar deep into his heart: he had to be responsible, sensible with his family. He had to learn responsibility, how to be responsible with his powers.
Later that night, Oscar went to sleep quite early, barely touching his Super Nintendo. He was thoughtful, looking at the thin air. His mother, worried, asked for forgiveness: she didn’t meant to be so harsh, but she was worried…
<"Guillermo...look, I know that I got too worked over it, that I exceeded on the punishment, but I did it because I love you, and I don't want you to be harmed, or worse, dead. I only want you to think you're not a hero, to not risk your life for worthless things. Things they stole were material things, not as valuable as your life. Think that it could have gone worse...">
<"Ma...I think you're right, I wasn't responsible enough. Sorry...">
<"I forgive you.">
<"No. I'm sorry...for not being sincere to you. For...not telling the truth. I trust you more than enough to tell you this more than anyone in my family, so...">
<"Guillermo, what are you speaking of?">
<"Of..."> Oscar stood up from the bed, went to the small lamp that lighted the room, and turned it off. <"...this...">, and having said this, he tensed his hand muscles.
His mother was breathless. In her mind, she was filled with ever growing questions: how did he do that? How did he gained that? How…?
<"This is what I hid. This is why I didn't wanted to go to the beach. Why I didn't wanted to go to the sea. Since the lightning bolt, it's like this. I had fear...I was afraid...that if the truth was uncovered, I'd...People would be scared of me, fear me, and would have shunned me...">
<"Guillermo, please, don't go thinking that way. We would never shun you. We love you. That was why we were worried on your decision. But...why? How?">
<"That I would like to know. That I want. All I know is, since that day, my life has changed. Please, do not tell anyone. Not Mari, not Isamar, and not to Abuela. Please...do not speak a word of it...alright?">
__________________________________________________ _____________________
The people of the television network were revising their equipment, to check nothing was wrong, and that nothing was lost. During the revision, one of the cameramen noticed something strange: one of the lost cameras was apparently on, and had a tape on. One of the executives was quite angry, as he thought the work was lost, cursing the cameramen for his ineptitude. But, the other executive was curious. The local police could not figure out what had happened; perhaps the tape recorded the entire incident. Fortunately, the camera was quite advanced, capable of showing what was stored on tape. Using a fresh battery, the cameramen and editors quickly tried to reach the moment when the camera was stolen. Indeed, minutes after the last cut, the scene changed to the moment when they were eating at the local Denny’s restaurant. After a few minutes, in which they figured the cameramen mistakenly turned the recorder on, they reached the moment when the thugs entered. They forwarded the moment, until they noticed the strange flash of light.
The camera was apparently left right at the place where it was found, aiming at the stairway. They backtracked a bit, just before the odd flash of light. The recording, complete with sound, revealed to them a truth the policemen did not knew. The sight was truly unbelievable…
Moments after the first flash, the young man, the one taken hostage, apparently shot a bolt of lightning out of nowhere. An act that defied nature was present before their very own eyes. They saw and heard everything, from the screams to the cursing, to the odd attitude of the young man, speaking the local language before listening to an apparent beating…
“Hey…did you see what I saw? That young one was shootin’ lightning from his fingers, like one of those comic book heroes or somethin’ Hoo boy that was odd. Must be dreaming”
The executive, however, was thinking of something else…
“Gentlemen, I think I must be dreaming as well. Dreaming…of dollars. Get me that boy…I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse. And get me the other network executives…I have an idea for a new series in mind…”
Hrmmm...seems no more comments...I really wanna hear comments!!
Good!! Bad!!! Deserving of a Pulitzer Prize!! No, deserving a Razzie Book Version!!
...things like that. Odd to see how many people do like poems better than stories.
I felt a bit bored, so to prevent you guys from being bored, I leave you with the 5th chapter. I need to check if I'm consistent in the writing, because sometimes I feel I shift from action, to drama, to stuff. See why I ask for some comments? Authors always feel a bit jealous of their work, sometimes feeling too proud of it, sometimes feeling a bit ashamed...I feel I'm in between, feeling something may be missing to the story. But, that's me...that's why I need all of you
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Chapter 5
Me? A Star?
The next day began with the odd feeling that something bad was going to happen. Oscar woke up, cleaned his teeth and face, and went downstairs to check the newspaper. He went to his favorite section: the comics. He never missed the comics, and as always, his grandmother had the word soup section written down, with the crossword partly filled by his big sister. Yet, he was interested in something else. He backtracked to the local news, looking for the events of yesterday. There, on a small column, was the news:
ROBBERY HALTED UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES
By Maritza Ocasio – El Nuevo Día
ISLA VERDE – Yesterday, approximately at 7:30 PM, at Dennys' of Isla Verde, on the municipality of Carolina, an assault and battery attempt by a band to said locale was frustrated mysteriously by unknown causes, according to sources from the Police of Puerto Rico.
The two assailants, as of yet unidentified, commited the felony yesterday evening, stealing cash and belongings, including television equipment from the cable station ABC, and allegedly took a hostage from the group of people presented, whose name will not be revealed to protect its identity.
Minutes later, upon the arrival of officers from the Isla Verde office, attending the call of the locale under threat of eliminating the hostage were the policemen alerted, the members of the band were found wounded in the floor, under strange circumstanced. One of the assailants was found dead, while the other, with the alleged hostage nearby, was found with severe third degree burns on its neck. According to police reports, all accomplices were wounded, and presented burns ranging from second to third degree, at small areas of the body. The hostage, apparently, was unharmed from the incident.
Assailants were taken away for medical intervention, while the events are to be cleared. It is suspected the event was caused by a high-tension electrical line accident from the lines that supply the “Isla Verde Mall” complex, given the shape and degree of burns.
“Gee…” Oscar thought to himself, as he usually did, “…and there I thought that people would not buy the excuse of the tension lines. Some people are quite stupid, it seems. Guess I just need to wait ‘til the police calls…”
Hours later, while he watched the news of the event around 5:13 PM, he received the visit of members of the police force in his house, requesting his testimony of the events. The police alleged that some foreigners apparently had some information about the events. Oscar’s face turned serious: could he be seen? He was not very careful, and it was quite noisy, so someone could have noticed. He didn’t expect the people from ABC to have info on the “events”: local news, perhaps seen as an accident, or a prank…but U.S. cable television? That was quite a bit of exposition.
Finally, Oscar and his mother reached the station. The people from ABC were right there, apparently expecting someone. Well, apparently was not the right word: they WERE expecting someone. Him, to be exact. The policemen quickly asked him to enter the interrogation room, apparently to ask him some questions. Oscar was, of course, nervous. Could these guys reveal the secret? Did they actually knew the secret at all?
Fortunately for him, the police suspected nothing. The questions were more of whether he saw anything, or if he suspected of anything. The answer was quite simple: he had fainted, thus he saw nothing. In his mind, he was begging for this to stop, for the torture to stop. After a while, and after insisting on finding something else, the interrogation stopped. He could leave, in peace, and since he held no firearm or the like, he was free to go. That was a sign of relief to him.
But his peace would not last long. That little idea bugged his mind: could the people at ABC know the truth? And, how? The answer would come very soon, as one of the apparently big guys approached Oscar and his mother. The policemen were watching closely, suspecting something.
“Excuse me…es que mi español nou es mouy buenou, así quei si mei disculpan...”
“Oh, nevermind, Mr...”
“Sampson. Bill Sampson, executive for the ABC channel…I assume you know about us, Mr...”
“Arteaga. Yes, as a matter of fact, I know about your channel. Series, movies, etc…”
“Yes, well…I was wondering if you would accept our proposal…”
“Erm…proposal?”
“Yes, proposal. A business proposal”
“What kind of proposal?”
“We…actually saw what happened down there, and I figured out an idea that could result quite beneficial to us both. And to the network, of course…”
“Saw…what?”
“You…you know…your fireworks display…That thing…”
“Oh, cr…well, what’s your proposal?”
“Well…”
__________________________________________________ _____________________
“SAY WHAT!!!!!” Oscar was shocked by the proposal. The idea was absurd, but apparently they knew he could control electricity, and they had an idea for a television series based on superheroes. Specifically, on A superhero.
Him.
“You’re serious, right? You actually mean you want me to record a TV show where I play a crime-fighting superhero using powers, just ‘cause I have powers and actually CAN be a superhero? Odd proposal, but I wonder…what if I refuse?”
“I guess…you can’t refuse the offer. Say yes, and we cover you, make you famous, that treatment. Say no…and we spit the truth. We know you lied, and lied heavily. We know you didn’t fainted, and that you were the responsible of all that. We can tell the police, right now if you want.”
“With what proof? The sole idea is absurd at its best, who would…” Oscar’s voice was silenced by the sudden appearance of a camera, right at the point where a lightning bolt flew across the lens. Oscar was shocked: that kind of info could make the guy rich and his life a nightmare.
“Why…you…crap, I’m ****ed…you got me, sir. Just…don’t tell anyone. You know the kind of attention this can bring, more than anything. But…why sink so low? Blackmail? I know that you might want to make some bucks, and probably a famous TV series, but recurring to blackmail to ensure an actor? I suck at acting, please understand…”
“Heh, don’t worry. That’ll be no problem, boy…” The executive’s eyes shone green of greed, his arm holding Oscar’s head. “Do you actually think you need some talent to be a star? Just be you, well…that you that gave the beating of a lifetime to the criminal, and we’ll make money in no time. We just have to sign some contracts, film some stuff, wait for the ratings, and BAM!!! We make money. And if your series suck, well…we’ll have no bad feelings. We can always reveal the truth about you…”
“Again…sinking so low. Hey, cut the crap out, you hear? Don’t make such a fuss, alright? I’m getting tired of your attitude; I’ll play along with your charade, so don’t make a fuss over it, OK?”
“Well, boy…we make a deal…”
“At least…can I keep on my studies?”
“That I can’t allow. You will be day and night recording for us. You’ll be our new star; that’ll take some time off ya, you hear? I want you to focus on your new life, and focus on being famous. I’ll get an advisor and people to take care of your businesses, so don’t worry…”
“You said the series would not be a complete success…”
“Boy, I tell you, you’ll be a star…”
“…But just in case…I wanted always to be a chemical engineer…”
“…No, you won’t. Now get that silly idea out of your mind, boy. You are in no position to ask for anything…”
“…Oh well…I was thinking on handling some ideas…I will interpret the character after all, and I wanted it to be as real as possible…”
“Hmm…we’ll discuss that on the contract signing…”
__________________________________________________ _____________________
Far away, on an unknown office, at an undisclosed location…
“Sir, I said that I would not bother you again with this information, but I guess that you should see this…” Lt. Thompson addressed Capt. Jenkins about the rare occurrence a few days ago in Puerto Rico, where some thugs were apparently fried out by “lightning bolts” on an underground parking lot. He knew Capt. Jenkins would not care, but he felt it was his duty to inform the captain.
“Again with that bull…Lt. Thompson, how many times have I told you NOT to bring me news like that!!!? How, if you may, will you explain how 'lightning bolts' struck on a parking lot under inches of armed concrete!!! A mutant? Don’t make me laugh!!! You’re dismissed, Lieutenant…”
“Yes sir, right away sir” Again, Lieutenant Thompson was reprimanded by his superior about the strange events. Was he the only one that believed that was the truth? No, obviously that Oscar must have believed the truth. He was the prime suspect. Perhaps…if he went to Puerto Rico…
His wandering mind crashed into Earth as he bumped a mysterious man. It was obvious he was Special Forces: the discipline, the aura of combat… Why would a Special Forces member would be there, and on the way to Capt. Jenkins office? Everything was growing weirder by the moment… Probably an order to a local Special Forces member… Still odd, but…
Meanwhile…
“Ah, glad you could came…Here, have a seat…”
“I must excuse, Sir. What is the reason you sent to call me, Sir”
“Well…apparently, some strange events are happening at that island of Puerto Rico. You may recall that the island is under a special agreement with our government, a kind of privileged colony. Well…I expect you may have been informed of the matter. I recall that the U.S. Army recommended you to deal with the situation at hand. Here is the briefing of the subject and the situation… Have a seat, Soldier. I guess the travel must have worn you out…”
“That…will not be necessary, Sir.” The Special Forces officer, apparently a Green Beret but also bearing insignias of the Rangers and the Delta Force, read the small briefing very quickly. He looked and acted exactly like a soldier would: well-shaved blond hair, with a top cut, wearing his uniform that hid a well-built set of muscles and abs, a firm standing, fierce looking eyes and rough looking face. His age appeared to be at his mid-30’s, more or less. He removed a photo from the briefing. The photo was a profile take of Oscar’s face, taken from a distance. A similar folder was nearby, also holding the name Oscar, differing only in their second last name.
“So…the son of an independence activist, an apparent average Jack, suddenly develops some powers, and starts beating the living daylights out of thugs. Sir, that seems to be extracted from a comic, not from an official CIA briefing. Yet…the info is reliable. Very well, what’s the mission, Sir?”
“No mission, actually…just vigilance. We don’t want an American citizen with a valuable…asset as his be taken away by enemy countries. Sufficient we have with the psychics in Russia, to have to deal with electric mutants in other places of the world. WE need such an asset with us, especially after the results of Operation Empty Gate.”
“Yes…I know what you mean, sir… The imminent 'invasion' of otherworldly beings… I assume the Army’s high command knows of this, right?”
“Indeed, Major. The High Command knows of this, and is preparing a group for that purpose. We need them to be ready. We need that boy with us, or else…”
“Worry not, sir. The target will be secure and watched all day and night.”
“I knew that I could trust in you, Major. As a member of the secret invasion response forces, the Black Raiders, you are to be discreet in your vigilance. We cannot allow the information about the target or the organization to be discovered. Major Dervis Culhorme, you are dismissed”
“Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. It will be done as requested, Sir.” The Major left the office of Capt. Jenkins, although his mind was full of interrogants. The results of Operation Empty Gate, the eventual “monster invasion”, and now a mutant with strange lightning powers… what was wrong with the world? He had his doubts, but he was loyal to the Army. He proceeded to the hangar, to take the flight to Muñiz Base on Puerto Rico.
Delivering scathing wit as a Rogue using Sneak Attack.
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The Final Boss Theorem:
'Tis a shame I can only place names now...:
Nomu-baka, this is FAR from over...:
Wow, I love it, it is very interesting, and unique. I wonder what is going to happen. Don't spoil it for me, I won't to read on.
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Well, I am getting more comments, at least one per chapter, so I'm gonna be good and add one more chapter.
This one is largely kept the original format. It does have an annotation at the end. The reason is, while Oscar knows what does it mean, the idea is that the rest should not. But, so that everyone would be happy, I decided to make a small note at the end. So far, I needed no annotations, but this time it was essential. I wanted to keep the feeling.
One more thing: I guess I must add my comments into it. Please, more support!! Also: the idea of the cover-up came from the series Heroes. Yeah, I love the series. Specially Hiro.Originally it was based on the Mario Bros. movies. Big leap up.
__________________________________________________ _________________
Chapter 6
Birth of “Electric Oscar”
It was around 8:30 AM on the beautiful sunny day of June 1, 1993, 22 days before Oscar’s sister’s birthday. To Oscar, this would be an unforgettable day.
It was the day he would sign his contract. It was the day Oscar would become famous.
The day went quiet, nothing of great importance on the day, and only the occasional news advance reporting the alleged dementia of the thugs affected days before disturbed the tranquility of the day. Until around 2:00 PM, when the group of people of the ABC network reached the small townhouse of Villa Olímpica. Amongst them, was Bill Sampson, the executive that offered Oscar the chance of a lifetime. And he was not alone: he was with another person who also appeared to be an executive, because it was dressed in similar threads. Both were looking for Oscar, a rare event that awakened the curiosity of the entire neighborhood. His sisters asked why those two people asked for him; his mother answered that they were looking for him to make a deal. Of course, she did not mention the little secret only Oscar and her knew. The mystery surrounding the two foreigners only added to the fire of curiosity, which burned with intensity enough to destroy a forest in minutes. The two executives entered the house, along the team whose equipment Oscar managed to save that day, including the camera that had the possibility of sealing his fate.
After some refreshing drinks and an explanation of the agreement they wanted to make with their familiar, Oscar’s family exploded in joy for Oscar’s achievement. The idea sounded a bit odd to them, but they nonetheless agreed to support Oscar all the way they could. Oscar’s mother reminded him that studies were important to him; a little fact that he wanted to use to his benefit. The family agreed that Oscar should remain with his important studies, which apparently made pressure within the executives. Finally, the contract was within Oscar’s grasp.
The contract made Oscar the lead protagonist of a story based upon a simple man that gained the ability to command electricity. The character would eventually face a group of people with similar superhuman abilities, whose mind had shifted into evil. Along the way, he would gain the support of other people who also gained powers, the enmity of the Military Forces, and the like. Oscar would be signing for a season, and he would be signed for further seasons depending on the results of ratings. For his work, he would earn a modest sum of $64,000 the year, plus some side benefits. However, he would be an exclusive star of the network, participating on other shows. His career would be managed by the network executives, and would have to change his surname, for he would pass for an American actor, since his factions were hardly Latin American. By insistence of Oscar, he would finish his studies of Chemical Engineering during contract, but not in Puerto Rico. While he was sad since that meant he would miss his old friends, he knew that he was in no position to ask for much, because the entire contract signing was a cover-up of Oscar’s situation. The contract had a secret page and small letters that actually referred to this page, that stated if Oscar were to fail on certain terms of the contract, Oscar’s secret would be revealed in national and international television, and the contract would be finished.
Oscar could only feel that he was being used for all he was worth, but he was willing to keep that secret safe until he had a way to learn and control the use of his powers. As well, he felt the opportunity was a way to achieve one of his dreams. He needed to be popular, so he could be on the eyes of the most beautiful woman on the world, his dream girl. This was none other than the year’s Miss Universe, Dayanara Torres, whose pageant run was reaching the end soon, and which meant she was free for any suitor. He would have to submit to the will of the executives, and sacrifice his Latin identity, but the gamble was one in a lifetime. He would be crazy enough to throw the chance away, and he only expected a chance meeting to express his everlasting love. Although… for a moment, he remembered: the dream, and the mysterious figures in his dream. A dream without Dayanara, a dream of war and darkness, where he was a key figure. What could that possibly mean? He ignored the dream: that was not his dream. That, he expected, was not his future…
In a jiffy, the contract was signed: Oscar’s name, the executives’ names, and Oscar’s mother’s name since he was legally underage. The executives left, not without reminding Oscar he was no longer an average Joe, but a famous star now. Oscar felt dirty, but hopeful: he wanted to achieve his goals, even if he had to sign with the Devil himself. His only thought in his mind was: “God, don’t leave me alone in this…I can’t do this alone.” He pledged himself to God so he could follow his path. He was not very devoted, but nevertheless he asked once in a while for protection, and few times he was thankful to him. Average in life, average in his faith, average in everything. Except on his grades, and that he was different from his peers. He was a solitary guy, not the talking or partying type but the geeky type. Very introverted. But not anymore…
Finally, a week had passed. Oscar was going to take summer classes, but he refused in order to await the executives that would change his life…and protect his secret. Indeed, exactly one week was necessary for the executives to come…though not alone. With them, a small group of other unknown executives, make-up artists, and a whole set of other people filled the road of his little neighborhood. All those people were unknown to him: lots of Americans, both black and Caucasian, of different states. He was notified by phone hours before, and he had his bags ready. He tried as much to hide a little flag of his country, as well as some photos of his family, so he did not felt alone on that new place. He took all important stuff with him: clothes, his Super Nintendo, his Game Boy, his favorite D&D books…in short, his life. A large and a small bag was the only needed luggage. He spent a while saying goodbye to his family, promising that he would try and call as much as possible, at least more than when he was on his old dorm. He felt sad and stricken that he could not part away with his friends, the only friends that he felt had. Not even to Emanuel, his best and long-time friend. He waited for the moment he could return, and greet his friends as a famous star, though more than a star, as a fellow friend. He parted away from home, not knowing when he would return. A last look at the townhouse, the Toyota…the left past…
The group of executives reached the airport, where Oscar would part away from his homeland, to the land of opportunities, as many fellow Latinos and Puerto Ricans had claimed, and as many immigrants had claimed. To his surprise, Oscar was going to travel in a private jet, a request from the executives of the network. Apparently, the change was going to occur during the travel, as well as the deeper explanation of the new life he would live. Upon entering the jet, an expensively dressed man with fine eyeglasses gave Oscar a charm, a very odd charm: a Star of David.
“Um…excuse me…why the pendant? Is it a gift? I guess…”
“No…it’s not exactly a gift. You’ll find out soon enough, Mr. Soderbergh…”
“…say what? Oh…wait…Soderbergh…that means I’m a Jew now, is it?”
“Is it a problem? We can reveal the truth right here, right now. You remember that the contract stated…”
“…that my name and racial profile would be changed, right? Yes…I’m familiar with the contract…”
“I was expecting you would. Well…Mr. Sampson says you are a…how to say…'different' kind of human. I’m the kind of 'seeing is believing', so…could you please show us the…'talent' that led you to become our prime prospect?”
“All right…sir” With those words, feeling like a chained animal on a circus stage, Oscar delighted the executives with a live demonstration of his ability to manipulate small sparks, which turned into wild arcs of electricity. The executives and the personnel became astonished by the act, and drew closer to prove with their hands what their eyes were seeing. All of them were convinced they had a mine of gold in Oscar, and proceeded to test his uncanny ability to produce electricity. Some tried to power up electric appliances using his hands, while others were awaiting the time when Oscar could unleash the lightning bolts. None, however, apparently cared about Oscar, or whether he had feelings. He remembered why he tried to hide this power: so that people would not abuse of them. Apparently, he failed at the task. He had to be careful, now: who knew if the real U.S. Army actually figured out about him, and used him as the next kind of “super-soldier”? That was closer to the truth than a “superhero”: at least, as far as he knew.
During the next days, Oscar found out all about his new life: he would be Oskar Soderbergh, a Jewish-American from the Bronx; he applied at the auditions for the new hit action series of ABC: “Talented”, and he won the auditions He would portray the role of Aston Fieldings, a college geek that gained the power to control electricity by a lightning bolt, but that really was a byproduct of an experiment done by his father Martin Fieldings: a role not so exaggeratedly far from the truth, except for the experiment. The first season would be around 12 episodes, beginning with the acquisition of his powers and ending with the first ally in his team. In order to minimize his participation, he would be joined by people whom actually passed a quick audition and would be at the final few around those days. The show’s auditioned cast would not be revealed soon, but after some time: he would be the first, and he would be surrounded by network stars for the premiere. The first episode would be a pilot, and depending on the ratings, they would choose to place at primetime or choose another time. He would live on his own apartment, and study at a local university his chosen career, in which he would be evaluated to see if his credits would be accepted. He would, however, live according to an agenda pre-established by the network executives, surrounded by his work team.
In other words: he was living his greatest dream and his worst nightmare at the same time, and he didn’t even want to become an actor after all.
In time, Oscar knew the members of the team that would define his life for the time he would have a contract: in essence, his new family. There was Bill, the executive in charge of the project; there was Sarah, the public relations woman, or which Oscar thought was his rein holder; there was Amanda and Sam, his image consultants, or rather his groomers; there was Ladeesha, the only black team member and who dealt with entertainment and with his “free time”; there was his nutritionist Dr. Gloria Hendersson, who certainly had nothing of Latin American; there was Mr. Anders for diction and voice, and of course Julian, the limo driver, and perhaps the only one Oscar could feel identified. And, his “parents”, whom he didn’t have to even meet: Alexandra and Matt Soderbergh, and his elder “brother”, Abel. Oscar was amazed by the life constructed around him, but he felt like betraying all he believed, what he actually was. In his apartment, he had a few things awaiting him: an agenda detailing all of his activities from the following day to around 6 months, detailed up to the point of madness. The executives told him he had the day free to explore his new home. He quickly went to his private limo, eager to explore while he found out more about his new life.
“Um…could you take me around the town, please?”
“Excuseme, Mister Soderber, but es que I don’t spik Inglish very mucho…”, responded Julian, the driver. He was apparently Mexican, by the accent, which relieved him a lot. Oscar asked to go alone, so he felt like he should reveal the truth…But…
Es…wait…what if these guys placed microphones on the limo? I’d be fried before I even began… But…this is not my life. It’s a life made by those guys…I’d want to tell Julian that I speak Spanish, that I’m a Latino like him, that I’m not a Gringo…****, these guys are playing with my life…God, when you decided to give one of your children such a power, did you actually wanted him to suffer that much as I suffer? Darn, I feel like I’m paying for all of my sins… Is that it? My sins? Meh, must be something else…
On the distance, Oscar felt Julian speaking about him, hoping “ese Gringo no me salga pinche cabrón, que me lleva... Diosito, que el pinche güey no me salga cabrón, por que ahí que lo… Ay, perdóneme, Virgencita, es que me asusta el estar con un gringo…” (1) He wanted to explain him he was no stranger, that he was like him, but he was fearing reprisal. He had an American accent, but he was 100% Latino, like him. His travel around the blocks was a silent one, which looked more like two people who didn’t knew each other than two people separated by language barriers. Oscar was already cursing his life, but his dream and his secret were more important. He knew he had to sacrifice, and that the minutes of fame would not last forever. For that, he asked to continue his studies; for that, he planned to save as much as he could. He knew this would not last, but he was getting ready. He was being used, but at the end, he would find the way. And escape.
And live a life of his own…
Meanwhile…
__________________________________________________ _____________________
Not so far from Oscar’s apartment, on a building diagonally placed away from his, a room was also being rented. The apartment was recently vacated, and as easily it was reoccupied, but by a different resident. The room was at a prudent distance from Oscar’s apartment, enough to spy on him. The occupant was a man, not too far from his forties, seeking a peaceful place where to live. His face was stern and rigid; his pose was as rigid as his face. He had very little luggage: only a few black briefcases, and a military-style sack.
Once the key was given, and the door was closed, the man locked and shut the door further. He would have to call for a locksmith to reinforce the doors. He removed his equipment from the briefcases: specialized spying equipment, such as laser microphones and potent cameras. All aimed at Oscar’s new apartment…
After a while, the man took a special satellite phone from one of the briefcases, and proceeded to make a call…
“This is Snow Owl. Calling Birdnest, over. I repeat, this is Snow Owl calling to Birdnest, over”
“Birdnest here.”
“Captain Jenkins, what are the orders, sir?”
“Major Culhorme, your mission is to collect as much data as possible from the target, as before. The change of events forces us to be more careful, thus you must increase your stealth. If discovered, we will not hold responsible.”
“Understood, Birdnest. Over.”
“Find out the agenda of the executives, and moments where he is alone. Keep recollecting data and send until new orders come. We must be cautious: they apparently know he has potential, and will not hesitate to abandon him. I cannot understand what do they want with him, but the veil of secrecy forces us to be stealthful in our operations. Over and out, Snow Owl.”
Over and out, Birdnest…Dervis had to be cautious as well: Jenkins was the kind of man that would not hesitate to use his mother if that meant superiority in war. He was unscrupulous and ruthless, and he knew he was using his position in the Black Raiders as a decoy. Dervis did not share his thoughts: he was a rare man in this purpose. He actually cared to protect America: no, the world, against the forecoming monster invasion. He knew the results of Operation Empty Gate: the mine in Kansas had to be demolished to prevent an early invasion. He knew of the results: dozens of humanoids, wielding primitive weapons, almost decimated a group of well prepared soldiers, using modern technology. The results were clear: they needed a group to deal with the situation. But…he feared. He feared that despite the results, the U.S. Army would use the results against all enemies of the nation. The scars of the Cold War were not yet healed. And the Gulf War…the mere thought was enough to frighten the whole world.
Dervis drew out the fang of the humanoid he had slain, as well as the crude hand-axe of the beast, as a reminder that he could not let the Army get his own.
Even if he had to betray his superiors…and found the group alone, on his own. And Oscar, somehow, was a key…
(1) This one I better leave it as is, instead of translating it. It's stretching enough to translate the speech of people who know English, to having to translate for someone who does not: hence, why. The rough meaning would be: “...hope that man don't end up a f***er, or that's it... Oh, God, let that man not be a bastard, 'cause then...Please forgive me, Virgin Mary, I'm scared to be with a stranger…”
I believe this was story that you were asking that I read. I'm a little late on it seeing as you asked me a while back. But I guess its better late than never. I only read the first post/chapter since that was all the time that I had at the moment. But anyway, I'll say that its an interesting idea if not seen before. Depending on what you end up doing will end up differentiating it from others of like plot.
I will say that the way you did the dialogue was enough to distract from focusing on the story and more on the way you typed it up. So for the first half of it I was having trouble concentrating on what you were saying since I was focusing on how you were presenting it. I don't know what the purpose of all the < and > in your dialogue are but it seemed very strange and separate it out from anything else that one has read before.
It was also difficult to find any consistency in what one meant over the other since it blended together so often. Everyone has their style, but dialogue in general usually is not seen with < and > coupled together. Standard spoken dialogue is usually seen with just " and ". And from there people vary how they like to present the other forms of dialogue. For me I always italicize and ' and ' any thoughts. I think it is fairly common practice that thoughts are italicize, but I don't think that there is any standard so long as the reader understands what is spoken out loud and what is spoken in one's thoughts.
That aside I noticed the usage of : repeatedly at the beginning of the post. I know that I'm not the best at grammar and punctuation, but I'm pretty sure that you were not using it correctly in most cases. What you were probably looking for is ; in stead of : The colon is usually preceding a list and I'm pretty sure is a fairly atypical in a story. The semi-colon is meant for two sentences that can stand on their own, but are saying the same almost.
Those were the only two large glaring things that I saw in the presentation of the writing. The only other one is the use of onomatopoeia through the course of the chapter. This is more just a personal thing as I find their use in a story to be a shortcut of a lazy writer not willing to describe the action/noise/sound. It would be more professional I think to describe the sounds and write it out in length then shortening it out to a simple grouping of letters.
I don't mean that as an attack just a critique. So I am going to be honest with my opinion.
The presentation aside, I have not read past the first chapter, so I don't know where things go from here. You did a good job of characterizing and providing a personality to main character. That was well conveyed through both description and dialogue.
The pacing seemed to be pretty good as you spend just enough time introducing things before adding on the main plot device that is going to be propelling things forward. I would have liked to see a little more description during the dialogue with the disembodied voice, but I'm a description nut, so that is probably just a personal thing. I did note that you had no quotes of any kind during the dialogue. While I knew roughly who was talking it did become a little muddled and quotes around dialogue are needed even if you did not clarify speakers.
You left the ending of the chapter with a good teaser that leaves the reader curious to know more pulling them in. As I said the idea seems a little a generic, but I think the future chapters will show how unique the story actually is going to be. I would imagine that most first chapters for any story sounds a little generic since nothing is really defined solidly yet.
I don't know when I will have the time to read the rest seeing that you've added more, but if this is helpful I will try to make some time. It is a little unusual for me to comment since if I do I feel the need to be thorough and thus spend a lot of time writing the reply.
Hope this was the sort of review you were asking for. I know I might sound harsh at times, but I'm just trying to provide constructive criticism for you. It is not meant to offend you.
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Actually, this was the kind of criticism I expected. The reasons are varied, but most important is the fact I do admire your writing style, and the experience. I think I should explain a bit of stuff, which I have adopted from places such as webcomics.
The use of <> is borrowed from Megatokyo, the web-comic. Since the setting is not exactly the US, and the main language is Spanish, I had made the first chapter in both Spanish and English. However, considering few people could understand what I wanted to express, I decided to translate all into English, but placing the brackets to express a change in language. The reason it blended so well was because it should express an idea of a bilingual character with good grasp in both languages.
The use of colon instead of semi-colon denotes the fact that I ain't a pro writer, nor a master in English. Since I saw it as natural, I let it pass.
Again, why a need for critique. Sometimes, I see things naturally, without noticing the grammatical errors.
Onomatopoeia...well, that was perhaps a lazy act, but I really wanted to make the description lite and easy to read. Mixing and matching onomatopoeia with description, as I see it, works as a form of auditory aid to description. It's easy to explain the act of an alarm sounding, but when the sound is introduced, it gives it a different flavor. Ironically, I believe I cut on the onomatopoeia later on.
The use of italized dialog and "" is personal flavor. I use that always whenever I write. Thoughts ditch the "" (though I skipped that once...)
On the lack of description on the inner dialogue, I decided to leave it very vague, for a good reason. While it was easy to keep it on a complete darkness setting, the idea is to leave the true identity of the other speaker ambiguous. That aids on the general feeling that "hey, who's really speaking to me?", which I wanted to emphasize.
I know the task of making a good critique is hard, but I was really expecting this kind of feedback. A through screening of the story, watching for things that may distract from the essence of the story. My work is still a bit unrefined, something that I seek to change. So far, without much critique I have seen some flaws, changed some and gained others. Can't stop emphasizing the need for critique, here's a good reason why.
Since I really got the kind of critique I really wanted, I'll make a double update this time. Of course, it'll be one post here, the other in a new one.
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Chapter 7
Soderbergh, my new life…
*knock on the door*
“Eh, who is it?”
“It’s me, Sarah. I’m calling you because the filming will start today, in about two hours. I’m here to take you to location.”
“Huh? Oh…don’t scare me like that. I was still a bit sleepy. I’ll…eh... open ya in a minute… I’ll be right there…”
“What? That means you’re still waking up? Oh, darn…we’ll be late, and Mandy’s waiting to give you the fix. Come on…what’s wrong with you? I told you that we’d be filming today at 8:30 AM, it’s about to be 7:00 AM and you are still ‘waking up’…Why…oh why did I have to work with someone so irresponsible…arrgh!!!”
“Chill out… I’m ready…it’s that…I’m still not used to get up that early. I bathed and was about to get dressed up when you came, and apparently I was snoozing… No big deal, sheesh, when’s the last time you had vacations?”
“…Don’t ask… You are in no position to…demand…me…to do what I should do. You, however, should do what we say. And all we ask is to be…”
“…ready?” The door opened, as a way to prove he was ready to leave. The short-haired blonde executive was rudely interrupted, and her anger was evident. Sarah was not your normal 40-year old executive: in fact, she was around her thirties, a test to her determination and skill to manage the voracious network jungle. At her age, she held a very prestigious position, dealing with the artists in a very close way. It also helped that her father was one of the head honchos of the network, and that she rose in the ranks of the network in part thanks to her. To prove her worth, and that her position was merited, she worked extra hard, as no other PR would. It was her…”tenacity”…that often ended in her given tough to deal artists. Such as Oscar, she thought.
Oscar, followed closely by Sarah, proceeded to the car that was given to him as part of the contract, with noble Julian as the driver. Oscar still felt he had to revel the truth to him, as many of the people on his group didn’t knew he was not Jew, that the name and image were only to “protect Oscar from prejudice”… Yeah, more like “show the Latin superhero who’s the boss”, that is. Behind him, Sarah was reciting, like litanies, the entire schedule for the day, one she expected Oscar to fulfill. To her, each successful scheduled day meant more proof of her capacity. Oscar barely knew the truth, and to him, this was more proof that he was more of a circus attraction than anything else.
Finally, thanks to Julian’s effective driving (which meant nearly getting caught by the police, thanks in part to Sarah’s badly spoken commands and insistence to reach in time), Oscar reached location: a closed studio nearly hidden within the network. It was quite big, but not surprisingly big. He was told he was going to film some scenes too expensive to be filmed on exteriors, and later on he would film on what would be Aston’s house, which was still being prepared. Today, he was going to film the hospital room sequence of the pilot episode. Oscar was evidently nervous, as he was not good at acting, and he was not an enthusiast of acting. The studio moved at a time frame that appeared to be different from the rest of the world: everything moved so fast, people moving here and there, awaiting the next set of commands, like a perfect machine made with imperfect parts…
“Hey, daydreamer…Time for make-up. We need to fix you up a bit, and we go to last-minute practices, all right. We’ll begin with waking from the coma, and the doctor entering.”
“Yeah…I wonder where you guys got the idea… I bet over the newspapers…” Oscar had overseen the scene a bit over the last days, and noticed Aston was struck by lightning, somewhat like what happened to him. He was in a sort of coma; just like him, and had serious burns, just like him.
“Very funny…we got that from newspapers, actually. We thought that getting struck by lightning would be a reasonable way to introduce you. Now, get ready…we start practicing at 5 minutes sharp. Mandy, get him ready, no time to lose.”
“Alright…ma’am.” Amanda was the typical obese make-up artist: chubby, with the blushy cheeks, the short red hair, the green eyes swallowed by the face. Her only negative aspect was a perennial sadness in her eyes and face, as if something had happened recently and barely had the chance to recover. A lost love, perhaps? She, however, was swift and precise in her work: only 3 minutes were needed for her to eliminate the last remnant of Latin appearance and leave an American image on Oscar’s muddled face.
“Boy…we’ll need to place ya up these green lenses, so be quiet and don’t twitch a muscle, alright? We don’t want the PR to be angry with us for the lateness…” A smile rose over her lips, almost a forced one, as a way to express everything was alright. He had no time to speak, but he wanted to know more. He felt like she needed someone to speak to, and he was willing to listen. Oscar was a bit jumpy, and often twitched when dealing with his eyes, but somehow he was calm and quiet. A few last second touches revealed to him the final result.
He was not Oscar Arteaga. Not even Oskar Soderbergh. He was now Aston Fieldings, the star of the show written and created for the sole purpose of using his “talent” for economical purposes. He was the star. Of the show that would imprison him indefinitely.
__________________________________________________ _____________________
“Clear studio!!! Roll camera!! Begin in: 5, 4, 3, 2,1…action!!!”
*silence in studio*
Aston: Where…where am I?
Doctor: Relax…you are safe now. That was quite a ‘shock’, if you know what I mean. We thought you were a goner.
Aston: Shock? Oh…that…ugggh, that hurts.
Doctor: Yes…I can figure out. Third degree burn, nonetheless. You, my boy, are lucky to be alive…
(Heh…third degree burn…I know what it is to have a third degree burn. These guys must have read the news about me…)
Aston: I can figure then that this is the hospital, and that you are the doctor in charge of my case, am I right?
Doctor: Yes, indeed. Dr. Martinez, from the Brandford Medical Hospital. Pleased to meet you, Aston…
(For a moment, I thought he meant “Dr. Gonzalez, from Peréa Hospital. Nah, Dr. Gonzalez is quite different from Edward James Olmos. Sheesh…Wait…my lines…I can’t forget them…)
Aston: How did you…never mind. My record, right? I kinda figured out…
Dr. Martinez: Relax… *laughs* that was quite a “shock”, so feel free to relax and rest. We called your parents; they will be coming soon enough.
Aston’s father: Oh God!!! Thank the Lord you are safe!!
(Well well well…my doctor is Edward James Olmos, and my father is none other than Alec Baldwin… Today’s my darned lucky day. I feel in Hollywood…)
Aston: Dad…I’m okay…
Aston’s father: Okay? Okay? Look at me: I had to run from work, worried sick about you, and you tell me “Dad, I’m okay”. Oh…sorry…look, forgive me; I’m a bit stressed with work, and…
Aston: Never mind, Dad. I’m fine, really. Look at me, I just…*tries to lift from bed* Ow, ow… Guess I’m not as fine as I thought…
Dr. Martinez: Mr. Fieldings? Dr. Martinez, from the Brandford Medical Hospital staff. I’m taking care of your son…
(Fine…a few moments of sole thought…I just need to act a bit sore from the pain, and from Alec’s tantrum…You’re doing fine, Oscar. Just a bit more and we’re done…)
Dr. Martinez: …and he’ll be fine in just days.
Aston’s father: Oh…I’m so relieved…Hear that, Aston? You’ll be out in a few days…
Aston: Darn…*looks at windowpane* that means I’ll be missing the Dance Party…I feel sorry for Cynthia…
Aston’s father: Aston…your health is more important than the dance. Cynthia can wait. If she cares for you…she will come. And you will be capable of forgiving her. Trust me…*rub’s Aston’s head carefully* …if she cares for you, she will come…
“And…cut!!!! Prep cameras…check for mistakes in the scene…We’ll be repeating it after a short break… Oskar…what’s with the ‘Cynthia’? I thought it was Christina…Don’t mix the lines next time, alright?”
“Hey…don’t bash the kid that hard, OK? He’s just beginning…”
“Don’t get sympathetic with the boy, Baldwin…We still have all day to record, and no time to waste.”
“OK…OK…just give me a drink and I’m set!!! Kid…that was well done…try not to forget the lines next time, OK?”
“Yes…Mr. Baldwin…”
“Ehh…Change of plan. We keep the name ‘Cynthia’… It appeals to the audience, so it seems… OK, get ready to roll camera again…On my mark…5…4…” The day was an exhausting experience for Oscar, whose stray thoughts wandered off while giving life to Aston, wondering the similar experiences he and Aston had…
Hours had passed, many scenes filmed, and now Oscar and team would see the rewards of their acting. The raw, unedited film was going to be shown to the actors to revise. Oscar was more nervous than ever, as he never saw himself in a television, much less acting for national television. He hardly spoke, eyes fixed upon the mystery of seeing himself as another person, attracted by the curiosity of gazing at a mirror and seeing a different image. Different voice and different self.
Again, Sarah held the reins of his life, explaining the rest of the day while taking a short meal together. This world was so different, much different than any dreamer would imagine. A world of lights, cameras, and fantasies. A world he would inhabit for the years to come… Oscar read the few lines Sarah had marked as crucial to study for today, as he would record his first house shots, and begin with the promo shootings, later that day. He thought he would be exhausted, but he felt full with energy: most likely, the energy that suffused his body allowed him the superhuman endurance to go on, despite the tiresome routines, and the lack of sleep. He felt hungrier, but his diet was strictly restricted. He felt that the nutritionist knew barely of him, and tried to keep the figure at all costs, instead of fueling his energy. His sparks grew weaker lately, without the strength of the first days, and the food was too scarce for him. He feared the powers that suffused him would be limited, not powers that would be an integral part of his life.
Hours and days had passed. Oscar grew closer to the group that controlled his life, as the woman that grows closer to the kidnapper, or the vile violator: a “sympathy syndrome”. He was quick to hear the rumors: that Sarah was “lifted” for her position thanks to her dad; that Mandy had lost a child recently and never forgives having gone to work that day, that she felt responsible for the decease; that Dr. Hendersson was racist towards even Ladeesha…all the gossip around. The strict diet to keep Oscar in “shape” and “fit” for the project had made dents in his health, especially when the production team insisted on the “FX shootings”, in which they added some electrodes and almost invisible lines, as a prop to use his powers in live. The production team made some special effects in which virtually anyone would have a “taste” of what powers of lightning would consist, but the whole prop was a hoax. The executives knew the truth. They apparently didn’t knew the huge amount of food required to fuel the powers. They felt how Oscar’s power waned; until, one day, only small sparks emerged. The executives were frightened: their star had lost his powers at mere beginnings of the series. Oscar, however, was calmer than them: he knew that the power’s “fuel” had to come from somewhere. The strict diet of Dr. Hendersson, coupled with the incapability to drain current from the power sources, dented his powers. He, calmly, suggested two courses of action: either feed him as much as he could, or allow him to drain energy from power sources. The executives (only to mention a few) were baffled by the idea, but they decided to comply. After all, what good would he be without the “talent” he possessed?
Indeed, Oscar had the right idea… Only an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant and a full night’s sleep were required for Oscar to recover his power to full extent. Fortunately, the next day was going to be a free day for him, and he could rest as needed. The event served Oscar to ask for some liberties, mostly allowing him the usual “feasting”, coupled with a combined diet of healthy food and daily power sucking. His liberties also included a few benefits, thanks to the show’s good ratings: for the first time in years, he had some time for him alone, where he could communicate with his family, his real Puerto Rican family, in clear Spanish. He noticed how his accent had marked, but he still retained that typical Spanish accent from his homeland. He was also secretly assisting to college, as part of the contract, to finish his studies of Chemical Engineering. His expanded horizons allowed him to study the one specialization he desired: a minor in Materials Engineering.
The show Oscar starred had nearly dwarfed ratings since day one, as people were sucked by their cathode ray tubes, drawn by the story of an unlikely hero and how he faced this new world, full of special effects and drama. Not too late thereafter, Oscar was facing the seizing lights of the photographers, facing his very first scandals, such as how he distanced from his family: of course, propaganda to add to Oscar’s reputation. The work of the executives had been done: they formed and shaped a new star, which they could manipulate at will. Oscar was a little marionette. And the show had not ended…
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Days had passed. Sigilous, ever-vigilant, Dervis had taken his mission very seriously. He spied on Oscar from a distance, taking as much information as he could. He even accepted a job as janitor, only to spy at him close-up and personal. He diligently did his job, silent and rather distanced, but with his mind full of information to report to his superiors. Every once or twice, he reported to his superiors, giving out as much information as he could: the little “incident”, his new liberties, the amount of food he was capable of consuming… He even supplanted some college janitors in order to spy on Oscar, finding out his desire to remain studying, Dervis diligently followed his mission: there was no space for privacy, no time to be sympathetic. His mission was clear, for the future of humanity could very well rest on this little star’s shoulders. But…Dervis was growing tired of vigilance. Finally, a new order was given…
PROCEED TO PHASE TWO OF THE OPERATION
COLLECT MORE DATA FROM THE SUBJECT
BEGIN WITH INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
“INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS”…such an odd way to say that he had to collect info by speaking to him, by forging a friendship. Friendship…obviously, that was not part of the operation, but he had to find a way to extract more personal information from the “subject’s” own lips. Finally…he found his chance, and in a most unlikely way…
It was interior shooting time, where “Claudia” would be first introduced. It would be the fourth episode in the series, and Aston would finally declare his love to her. The new character would be part of the initiative established by the executives to draw new talent by auditions, and the new actress had won her audition in Los Angeles. Oscar had to wait some time before the new girl would appear, so he wandered off to distract his mind. Dervis saw this as the best chance he had. Only a little…
BUMP!!!
“Oh…excuse me…are you OK?” responded Oscar, nervous about stumbling to one of the janitors.
“Nevermind…nevermind…” Dervis only uttered those words, which told him of a person that still had not reached his full maturity, and was relatively sensible towards people. He would follow him, to remain in vigilance…
“Erm…sorry to be so rash, but…were you in the military? Or…?” Oscar’s observation shocked Dervis, since he had not removed his dogtags, a staple sign of a military career. He had to abort…immediately…
“None of your business, Mr. Soderbergh. Please, leave me alone”
“Oh, excuse me. I’m sorry if I reminded you of something bad. I don’t like…”
“I said leave me alone”
“…to make people feel bad…Oh, sorry again…” Oscar left Dervis alone, as he desired, with his head down and his hands on his pockets, a clear sign for the soldier that he was embarrassed. Dervis could not help but notice Oscar’s shyness, his lack of personal charisma, his noble and good attitude. Indeed, it was a joke of Fate that such amazing power would end in the hands of the most noble of beings. Yet…he knew how dangerous he could be. He could only think about the heroic potential of that young man, if only someone could develop it. Perhaps…Dervis had made a serious mistake. He was willing to speak, to listen. He was not arrogant, yet simple, humble; stark contrast to his dour attitude, forged by years of military service. He decided to find another day to apologize. It was the least he could do…
And, indeed, that day came. Next day, to be precise.
BUMP!!!
“Sorry again” Oscar’s response this time was automatic, still remembering last day’s meeting with the man. <Not again, not like last time…>, was what he thought, with a little mental tone of anguish.
“I…I’m sorry, too. For…yesterday’s attitude. Bad day” was Dervis’s response. He had to unearth the sensible man he had buried years ago, to fix the error of last day’s attitude.
Oscar was ready to leave, but was surprised and halted by the response. The soldier, it seemed, was not as dour as he thought. He had a bad day, as any human or mutant could.
“Um…say again?”
“I said I’m sorry, kid. Bad day yesterday…”
“Well, I’m not exactly a kid, but… I accept your apology. What’s your name?”
Dervis was thinking of a simple name, like “Buck”, but he pre-empted a possibility of being discovered and simply responded by revealing his true name. His superiors didn’t have to know. Although…
“…please, call me Shark”
“Why ‘Shark’? A good swimmer, perhaps? Or, maybe, you belonged to an amphibious unit, and was well-trained for maritime combat?”
My…this boy is sharp, was Dervis’s thought. He knew of amphibious units, but associating that with the invented name “Shark” was quite impressive. He played the charade…while he was on duty.
“Yeah…I belonged to an amphibious incursion unit, while I fought on the Gulf. We used to enter coastal towns for occupation”
“Wow…that’s interesting. See, I got to prep for the shootings, so I must leave for now. I’ll try and find some time to speak with you again…that is, if you don’t piss of for the visit…”
“Heh…no prob, boy. Drop by anytime. You make me believe there are good people out there…”
With those words, Dervis had forged a good relationship with his subject. He had to work on the false “Shark”, as Oscar was interested in the tales of a former soldier and veteran of a recent war, returning from the battlefield to make a living in his home. And, indeed, he was a veteran of the Gulf. He fought there. But…not necessarily as an amphibious unit…but as a Special Forces member.
Since…although he was sent as support for the troops, he had another mission. With the singular operation name of “Empty Gate”…
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Almost a year had passed… Oscar was enjoying the fruits of his labor, and the season was about to be over. Aston and Claudia had initiated a relationship, the first adversary had appeared, and the season finale would include the second Talented in the series: Claudia herself. She would enjoy powers much like her boyfriend, but at a costly price: she would have to keep the secret passed down by Aston’s father, and submit to the process herself. Her powers would mirror the powers of the Invisible Woman, allowing her to manipulate force at will. Real life would see a developing relationship between the two protagonists, as stated in the most important star magazines, but the entire relationship would be a hoax, as Oscar’s heart was enraptured by another woman. She had already given her crown as Miss Universe, and was ready to forge a relationship. Just in time, Oscar was becoming a popular star. Almost too good to be true…
“Hey…Oskar…we received an invitation for a very important event, and you’ve got to go there. That will develop your popularity even more, and will allow you to mingle with the hottest stars out there!!” Sarah was enthusiast of the idea: she was quite a fan of Luke Perry, and she found out he was going to assist. She hoped Oscar would allow her to be close to her dream boy…
“Sarah…I don’t like parties very much, and much less when it’s all a reunion of stars. And, anyways, what’s the event for? A food or something?”
“YOU…Mister, have to go there. Contract issues…hey, it’s going to be fun, besides…there’ll be lots of people there: celebs, executives, philanthropists, etc.”
“Oh well…not that I have any choice…”
“And…hey, maybe you can find a nice celeb partner. You need all the rating you can get: E!, MTV, VH1, everything. You got to remain popular, and I like that you remain a bit distant from celeb life, but you have to develop good relationships with other famous. That’s the dream, boy: you are the artificer of many girls’ and boys’ dreams. You have a fan club, and your autographs are sought after by many girls. You are a star, Oskar…you have to behave like one…”
“You mean, I have to act cold, insensitive, drugged, be a cheater, a liar, have two faces, and ruin my life? Yeah, thanks: I’ll see how I will find a way to fulfill the contract while not be ruined by fame…”
“Awww…shucks…just when I heard that…a miss would be there…Just recently ended her pageant contract, and is free for the taking. I guess her name was…’Deyanira’ or something…”
“Meh…wait, say what? You mean, the Trump guys are going to be there?”
“Hee, I guess I got ya on your weak point. Yes…everyone will be there. Even the new and the former Miss Universe…but, you are not a fame seeker, so that means…” Oscar simply ignored Sarah’s ranting. Her intentions achieved the purpose: Oscar would have to go there, if he wanted a chance to meet and marry the girl of his dreams.
He had only one chance in life to get her…Fate had placed the event, and God probably masterminded the whole thing. Perhaps, after some time afar from him…Oscar would have to thank the Maker for the whole favor. He had one chance…and there was no mortal power that would make him lose that date with fate…
As I said, double posting.
Comments will be here, given that the last post was more a response to Andro's critique, to which I felt obliged to respond. Clearing doubts and the like.
The first of the posted chapters has a bit of a rarity: theater dialogue. I deliberately wrote it that way so that it seemed taken from the script. While it isn't an actual play, I wanted to give it the feel of something false, invented, made up. There are nods to Final Fantasy, a theme I will work with later (I think I exposed this was partly a fanfic, and FF is one of the key ones) I cannot say much, but...let's just say this is one heck of a teaser!!
The second, which will be posted below, marks a transcendental point in the story. Most of the time, I see heroes, mostly superheroes, as vague in their romantic lives. I wanted to make my character a married man, but different from the typical comic marriages. Later on, you'll see what I mean, but what I can say for now is; he's one-of-a-kind in this sense.
This chapter is very crucial, as well, because it introduces perhaps the most clichéd, overused, and story-wise one of the key main antagonists. I feel this may be a deception to some, relying on cliché to make a story, but I felt this was needed. Oscar, as of late, has lived a relatively good life; it is time that begins to crash down. And, the next three chapters are very cruel on that aspect. IMO, at least.
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Chapter 8
A date with Fate
It was the great day. To Oscar, this was the culmination of his long-life dream. For years, he thought that love was elusive to him, a young man that would take his time to have a future, and that would have to sacrifice his dream girl. But, the tables had turned. He had sacrificed his identity, his name, and his destiny to a group of network executives. But, his desire, and his daring attempt was paid off in full. He had but one chance: the greatest gamble of his life. And it would be today: at the Celebrities for the Future of Africa Charity Ball. All greatest stars of Hollywood and television, the most famous models, each seeking publicity for their own ends. And, of course, Oscar had to make his first public presentations. What better way than showing care for the children of Africa, plagued with AIDS and poverty? Of course, the donations and the altruism of the few people who actually cared were insignificant, next to the huge publicity that all stars would gain. Oscar felt guilty. Guilty for using the ball as a trampoline to achieve his destiny. But…if he did not try, he would probably have no chance…
Sarah spent the entire week seeking the proper attire for Oscar, which would combine good looks, elegance, expensive trademarks, and a famous designer name. And, the one famous designer that would dress the daring Casanova would be no other than Gianni Versace. She was truly proud: she was now the virtual manager of one of the hottest superstars ever, and she had not lost him as she did with the very few she had tried. Finally, she was proving her worth. And now, it would be Ladeesha’s turn to shine. She cared for entertainment, after all: she would have to deal with Oscar’s dancing skills, and secure that whenever Oscar had to be in the spot, she would find the best spot. And Ladeesha was a hound for spectacle and party.
Oscar’s team worked on overdrive: Sarah was fixing every single detail to make her star shine beyond others, Mandy was working harder to fix Oscar’s natural imperfections, and with his skin tone, while keeping a natural impression, and Dr. Hendersson was strictly observing Oscar’s diet, in case a dinner was served, that it would not affect Oscar’s regime. She was still marveled at how Oscar managed to consume nearly three times his weight in food and not gain an inch, while reenergizing him. In fact, she was still amazed at how Oscar could manifest such powers. And poor Julian, barely understanding his masters, was driving like a madman.
Finally, the time of the ball. Oscar was dressed in fine clothing, which he could barely afford were he to remain in his studies. Of course, he had to compensate his tough schedule with specially arranged exercises, which at least he procured to make himself. It was the few moments in which Oscar felt like himself. And, the only moment that Oscar could use his real name, for part of his agreement was that Oscar would end his studies with a practical diploma in chemical engineering. For now, it served as an interesting way to make quick conversation…
The red carpet…the entrance to the celebrities’ world of glamour and decadence. Oscar was swarmed by the magazines, seeking to find out the bits of information of his secluded life. And, Oscar showed himself as very attentive, and willing to share his life with the millions of fans of his show…
“Hey, Oskar…is it true that you and the young actress Amanda Sampson are engaged and going together?”
“Erm…of course not. We are only very good partners, and we are working hard to please the fans.”
“Is it true that you are distanced of your family, because of your project?”
“I’m often in touch.”
“But your family claims that they haven’t talked to you in the few months of ‘Talented’ being shot…”
“Wrong. That is a false and malicious accusation,”
“In other terms, when will we see another project of yours?”
“I guess…when the executives either give me the release, or we start filming the movie. And I guess that you’ll be seeing ‘Talented: the Movie’ sooner than you think. Like…in 4 or 5 more successful seasons. Have a nice night!!”
Oscar was a bit nervous, but the way he dispatched the media was truly professional. Sarah was like a proud mother, proud that her protégé faced successfully the media. Again, another victory for the youngest executive man has ever seen…
“That…was sly, young one…” Sarah spoke in whispers, her “sly” sounding like the hiss of a joyful serpent.
“I am a dutiful student. I do not miss a lesson. And…I do not place my teacher in shame… Now, I’m off to make a conquest. Off we go!!”
“All right!! Go get ‘em, tiger”
And so, Oscar entered the world of glamour and fame, with a dashing suit and a definite purpose…
Fate…here I come. And nothing will prevent me from reaching my goal. If I fail, it shall be my fault alone. But I shall not yield!!!
__________________________________________________ _____________________
Dervis never lost track of Oscar. He had turned into an unwilling friend of the young actor, and found his incredible hermetism as a barrier towards successfully accomplish his mission. Since he knew beforehand that Oscar would assist the Charity Ball, Dervis used the few contacts he had available to get a position as cleaning staff. This was an opportunity he could not lose. Perhaps his presence would give Oscar comfort in the hard situation he was facing, and his weakened state would serve as a serum of truth, revealing more information than he could have collected. And, if everything else failed…he would turn to alcohol as the perfect way to soften such a hermetic man. But…Dervis would eventually meet the one way to weaken Oscar to the point he would accept being even a guinea pig for the Army…
Oscar was like a bloodhound…smelling the air in seek of his prey. He slashed his way through the definitely bored celebrities, seeking a way to end their boredom. The gossip between celebrities was worse off than the media gossip itself. The huge amount of stars that other stars claimed as gay, or abusive, or simply being cheated at…Oscar was almost on the paradise of yellow paper… But his desire was burning in his heart. Sarah was treading behind, like a shadow, seeking the best people to which Oscar could relate. And, of course, to soften him off, she would land him the greatest catch.
One beauty pageant former queen turned the most sought-after single…
The meeting could not have worked better if it were thoroughly prepared. It was casual, simple: she was just finishing speaking with another celebrity, and she was looking for someone to speak a while before the prepared dinner. Oscar was truly nervous: he found no way to speak to her. Fortunately, Sarah was right on her way to save the day…
“Excuse me…Miss Torres? I would like you to meet someone that is quite interested in meeting you…”
“Really?” The woman was quite surprised by the sudden approach. Oscar was even more nervous, because Sarah just blurted his intentions. But, he took a deep breath, and started thinking on another thing. Such as…
Come on, Oscar, think…Think, think…dog, house, bills, D&D, studies, the periodic table, Dayanara…oh, crap, I blew it!! Just about now. Be brave, be gallant, be you…
Oscar woke up to the extended hand of the woman. To him, the background suddenly turned into brilliant light, the ambient music became immensely charming, and her voice sounded like a goddess speaking to him. Yes…his goddess…
“Nice to meet you, Mr. Soderbergh. Dayanara Torres. I assume that you know me, however?”
“Oh…” Oscar felt his grip on reality shattering, breaking, but he unleashed all the hidden passion of the Latino, burning to get out. “…The pleasure…is all mine, miss.” He had to hook with a convincing phrase, to strengthen the grip…
“I am quite interested in your homeland…I have heard it is a beautiful place. Especially…Toa…Alta, I assume?” He saw the pageant in his house, when she won the Miss Puerto Rico crown, and became the candidate of the island for the crown. And, of course, he knew she was from Toa Alta, Puerto Rico.
“My…you seem to know more than meets the eye. Yes…it is a beautiful town, quite small…” To Oscar…that thrust to Fate was the winning stroke. He caused great interest in her, and mention of her homeland made her eyes glow. Somehow, remembering his land made him nostalgic, as well. Sarah watched nearby, lurking, trying to prevent a catastrophe from occurring. But…everything just went well…
“Interesting, Miss Torres. Indeed, I seek that my representatives find a small hole in the schedule to allow me to visit. I hope that on vacations, of course. What are your plans for the future, if you wish to say so? I hope I wasn’t rude on the comment, Miss.”
“Please. Just Dayanara, OK? And…of course, I do not mind that you ask for it.”
“Well then, shall we sit somewhere nearby…Dayanara?”
“Of course…Oskar…can I call you like that?”
“Be my guest” Although it was more like: Go ahead, my dear.
It seemed he had scored. He placed his left hand on his back while he took the maiden’s hand with his right. A small sign of “everything’s OK, leave it to me” surged from the hidden hand, a sign for Sarah to leave him do his work.
Discreetly, Sarah unleashed a slight gesture, indicating her work was done. Now, some extra time, let Oscar have his way, and soon he would be meeting the most popular and famous stars out there…
In the distance, Dervis remained, doing petty work while afar from the celebrities that adorned the great ball. He was not allowed to enter the facilities, but the distance was prudent for his mission. He was in incognito, especially since the presence of the military was something that the producers of the ball didn’t wanted. It was fine by him, though..
Just then, Dervis observed as Oscar, his target, was hand-by-hand with the most elegant woman in the ball. He observed the great detail to which Oscar treated his partner, and together they met some of the most famous stars of the moment. Indeed, it was quite obvious that Oscar was in love with the woman, and that he had changed his entire attitude. He wasn’t as shy as before, when he talked to him: he was eloquent, charismatic. Yet, he noticed how desperately Oscar tried to keep his grip on the dream he was living. He noticed, slightly, how Oscar weakened on her presence. She was, in the emotional sense, his kryptonite: the sole element that weakened the barrier that prevented him from accessing the secrets of a man gifted with the greatest power of all…
The small tidbit of information Dervis had just recollected was, probably, the key to Oscar’s heart, the best way to fulfill the goal of the military. A low act, but a necessary act.
Dervis was willing to use Dayanara against Oscar, if that meant Oscar would become the ultimate weapon of the U.S. Army.
This was Oscar’s night. His dream was successfully achieved…although in a different way than planned. He was accompanied by the most beautiful dame of the ball, and soon they would share a dance together. But first, off to work… Public relationships, again with Sarah at helm. Had to know the right people in the business, for when he decided to strike it big. He had met already many executives, and fellow celebrities. Yet…the one person he would also meet today would affect his life forever…
“Oscar…come with me…I have to present you to someone really important in the business. He’s known to almost everyone in here. In fact, he made the largest donation to the charity…”
“Alright. Dayanara, would you like to accompany me to meet this person?”
“Well…I have already met many important people at your side…” Oscar almost fainted when she mentioned those words, “…so I’ll be benefited as well. Let’s go along.”
The next meeting was with a very important executive. He dressed in the finest clothing available: silk, satin, expensive threads. His hair was long and blonde, and his hands were covered with expensive rings of gold and diamonds. He was imposing, and very handsome, with an enviable figure. His face was, to female standards, a real-life Adonis one. And his demeanor was…so to say…a bit roguish, the man that knows what it wants and seeks to achieve it.
Oscar felt…terrified. Somehow…that man was more than it looked. And he felt a slight chill run down his spine. Since, for a moment…he saw a red glow in the eyes of the man. Not to mention that his eyes were actually red. A red iris…and a glow that can only be qualified as…
Devilish…
“Pleased to be your acquaintance, Mr. Soderbergh. Damien Lucien von Teufelberg, at your service…”
“Um…a pleasure to meet you…Mr. von Teufelberg. I hope that you may excuse the rudeness of my part, but…”
“Let me guess. You are of that generation, haven’t you? Damien is such an exotic name…And sinisterly aligned, too… ‘The Omen’, I assume you were going to refer to, right?”
Oscar was more nervous than ever. He gulped heavily, trying to keep his composure, but he could swear he could smell, for a small moment, the pungent odor of brimstone. A small, brief, and desperate God have mercy on my soul… lingered within the mind of Oscar. His voice was a rare one: somehow feminine, but strongly masculine. A low tone that sounded seductive, coupled with a slight German accent. That was, to him, the beginning of a nightmare. He would listen to what the rare stranger had to say about, and leave as fast as he could. And in front of his dream girl. How rude of Fate to place me in a situation like that… was the only thought that Oscar could think about.
“For now, I do not think that we need to…initiate a business conversation. Perhaps some other time, then? Here, have my business card. You too, Madam…”
A slight stinger of pain rushed in Oscar’s fingers as he took the card. In it, the words “Image Consultant, Manager, Senior Executive Officer” and other titles covered the small yet hauntingly elegant card. With a slight and reverent bow, the mysterious businessman faded away into the crowd, leaving Oscar with great doubts. But…those thoughts would not ruin his life. Or his night…
Finally, after a marvelous dinner which reunited some of the greatest chefs, and which included some of the most exquisite dishes, including delicacies such as filet mignon, lobster, caviar, and sauces to feast kings, the moment of truth was at hand. The Ball Dance. Oscar was truly excited, as he was finally going to dance with the girl of his dreams. He had practiced the particular dances of the Ball for days, even while on recording breaks. And today was pay-off. Oscar and his dream girl would dance all night, as a new fairy tale about a dreaming boy and a dashing queen was beginning to write. Today, for Oscar…was the beginning of his “Happily Ever After”…
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Days passed after the Ball. Oscar was finally free until next season of recording, and had a chance to have some deserved vacations. The show was at peak on its popularity, shattering records of audience everyday. Even the re-runs were capturing audience. And the small meeting between Oscar and Dayanara had given fruit. Now, they shared more time, with her visiting the locations and sharing meals with the dashing actor, and Oscar inviting her to sumptuous dinners at expensive restaurants. And help was nearby, in the form of a very carefully advising Dervis, who helped Oscar on how he should win the heart of the former pageant queen. Being sincere, honest, and of course, being him. But that was hard for him, because he hated sometimes to live a lie. And, it was on one of the special dinners between the now model and the famous actor, in which Oscar gathered all his courage and decided to violate his contract.
For he had to be honest with her…or else…he would lose her…forever…
The dinner was in a very expensive Italian restaurant, very fancy, yet quite simple. The restaurant had a private room for special guests, who desired to have their privacy. He did not care about people observing him, but he sought a place where no human ear could listen his secret. Only him…and his beloved.
“Enjoying the dinner?”
“Yes…a lot…”
“If you don’t, just…”
“Don’t worry.”
“Listen…I…I got to tell you something really important…”
“What is it?”
“Listen…there are two things that are bugging my mind…”
“Well then…tell me? Though…” Her eyes closed halfway, as if she was expecting to confirm one of the things, “…I think I know one of them…”
“Well…here goes… You know, you are very attractive, and famous, and beautiful, and a marvelous person…”
“Come on…don’t be shy…I know that you want to say it…”
“Well…I have always wanted to meet you ever since you won Miss Universe. I know that it may sound a bit weird, but…I even sleep with magazines of you in my room, kind of to keep you close. Don’t think of it as a perversion or something, it’s just that…”
“Oh, no, don’t think of it that way. I was a teenager too, and I know what it is to have…”
“I guess that keeping on will be useless. Listen…would you…be…my wife?” From his pocket, Oscar revealed a small velvety box, and inside, there was a magnificent diamond, set upon a beautiful gold ring, with delicate flower motifs.
“Why…of course, Oskar!!! I was expecting you to say that!!!” A lunge and a large kiss in the mouth proved the acceptation.
“My…um…that was faster than I thought…I thought that you would decline, or that you would say that it was too soon…”
“Why? That was your intention since we met on the Ball. And, besides, what’s with giving the media something to feed upon?”
“So that means that you…”
“Of course not…silly… I accepted because I also love you, don’t you see?”
“Wow…I guess dreams do come true…well…time for the other secret. And I bet…you don’t even expect this one…”
“What…other secret…?”
“Well…it’s actually two more secrets…”
“What else are you hiding?”
“Well…I’m…not exactly Jewish. I don’t even profess the Jewish faith…”
“Wait…what do you mean by that?”
“And…Well…”
“Come on, don’t leave me like that!! At once, now, please…”
“Well…”
“Well what?”
<"Um...well...I'm not Jewish, but Puerto Rican, born and raised in San Juan, and that my real surname is Arteaga...">
“You…<you aren't bluffing, right?>”
<"You think I'm bluffing? Damn, I've been languishing for not even being able to speaking Spanish...and I wanted to be sincere with you. It's...I love you, and I don't want to live a lie with you...">
<"Awww...how cute...!!! Look...please excuse me, it's that I thought you were trying to pull a prank on me, I didn't meant to be so rude with you. You've been so nice to me, and here I am acting like this...Oh, dear, what a shame...">
<"It's my fault. It's in my contract. Right now...I am breaching clauses in my contract. But I didn't wanted to lose you for a lie...and I am willing to suffer the consequences of my failure, if this lets me be at your side...">
<"All right..."> A kiss from both lovers sealed the pact which would bind their lives. Both would keep the secret hidden, and they would live the lie together. Even if Oscar were to be fired from his job, they would be together…for they loved each other…
The remainder of the night was spent on anecdotes and jokes on how both lovers faced the life-changing experience of fame. Both in English and in Spanish, with Dayanara’s marked accent, and Oscar’s nearly flawless accent.
On Oscar’s apartment, the pair remained with their talk. But something plagued Dayanara’s mind…there was a third secret Oscar had to reveal, and Oscar had seemingly forgotten. Was this secret…even worse…?
<"Listen...Oskar...is it like that, or the more Latin 'Oscar'?">
<"C, not K. Something the execs made to supposedly protect me...sure, like I'm gonna believe that...well, what's wrong?">
<"You left me baffled...didn't you had a third secret to tell me?">
<"Yeah, that...well...I need to undress for that...nothing wrong, don't think anything wrong of me. It's...">
<"What...?"> Dayanara’s face was swollen with anger, for while they agreed and formalized their relationship; she didn’t want the relationship to go that fast…
<"Oh, no...no...it's nothing, just to prove..."> Oscar replied, as he started undressing<"...this isn't a joke, nor a prank...Actually, you're gonna be surprised...">
Then, at the astonished sight of his beloved, Oscar unleashed his greatest secret…arcs of electricity swarmed his body, like snakes, swirling from head to toe. The energy arcs did no harm to Oscar, whom moved his arms in a soft, almost sensual way, playing with his lightning snakes. Joining hands, he produced an arc that flowed from one hand to another, growing and diminishing in intensity. Dayanara remained astonished, frightened: her lover was defying nature itself, right in her own eyes… She remained deep in thought…was Oscar that mad, so self absorbed, that he desired to be like his character? And she realized the meaning of his words… for he wanted to “prove that it was not a joke” and that she “would be surprised”…
<"This...is my power...my destiny...and they use it for their benefit... I wish this was over...but I can't. I wanna be free, but I am condemned. And I am going to face the current, just to be with you...">
<"Wow...this...I...I can't believe it...">
<"Well...believe it...">
That day, Oscar had violated two of the clauses of his contract, but faced fate in the face, and won the hard gamble. He was no longer alone, but with his dream girl. She was no longer a dream, but a vivid reality. And he would face those who would abuse of him, use him against his own wishes. For Aston was destined to be a hero…so would he be.
A hero for the generations…
__________________________________________________ _____________________
In a television studio, far from Oscar’s apartment, Sarah and team were witnesses to Oscar’s declaration. He had violated the terms of his contract, and he would be forced to leave the show, just one season after it started. But all members loathed the proposal, and proposed a new term for his contract. For, his contract was for one whole season, and soon there would be time to renovate…
“So, gentlemen…are you willing to leave our golden egg-laying hen out to the fierce world, or should we leave him to be what he desires?”, spoke Sarah before any responses.
“He’s such a nice boy…I’d hate to see him go…” replied Mandy, who saw in Oscar a glimpse of the young child she lost time ago.
“He’s…an interesting case…and an interesting individual. I guess…you can’t judge a book by its cover”, followed Dr. Hendersson, who realized the futility of racism, after sharing with Ladeesha and Oscar.
“Then why let the boy go? I say, let the boy stay!! He’s so sweet and he’s more famous than any young star out there, so why let him go? I say we vote to keep him…or guard the secret…” spoke Ladeesha, who found in Oscar a person who treated her as a human being, setting color issues behind.
“Heh…I guess I was tough on the boy… Let ‘im be what he wants, and drop the charade. We’ve got a new season to roll and a star to convince…” From out of nowhere, the voice of Bill Sampson emerged. He agreed that the charade had to end, and that a rising Latino star would only increase further his popularity.
And all agreed…Oscar had proved his worth, and his loyalty. He deserved his chance in life…
__________________________________________________ _____________________
It was next day, and Oscar had his entire day free. Thus, the appearance of Sarah was unexpected. And, much worse, he didn’t expected to see her with a visit on his apartment…
“Oh, hey there, Oscar…”
“Um…odd…hi…Sarah…what’s with the visit…?”
“Well, can’t I come and visit my favorite Latino star?”
“Of course, you can…wait, say what?”
“Yup…we’ll drop the charade from now on. The false family, the surname…you know that Bill chose that surname because it was from the only Jewish guy he knew? Someone called Steven, I guess…”
“You serious?”
“Sure I am!!! Part of next contract, I swear. You’ll be simply Oscar from now on, and we’ll say that we did that because we wanted to see how people’ll react to a new star, but since they already know you, they will love you. Cheer up, Oscar!!!”
“Erm…keep it quiet…there’s visit, if you hadn’t noticed…”
“I thought she left…we turned off the cameras after that…”
“Well…”
“Wow…I mean…you lose no time in getting her to…”
“What????? Hey, watch it!! I’m serious…I want to marry her and everything…”
“Well, I guess I’ll leave that to the imagination… Grrrr, tiger…”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ll get some food nearby…”
Moments later, Oscar dressed in his typical attire, the one that suited him the most: a T-shirt, jeans, sandals, and a backwards cap with a simple tail binding his hair. No makeup, no glamour, no Soderbergh, no anything… Just plain old Oscar…
Reaching his limo, he remembered one final thing… Julian never knew he was a Latin, and he desired to rectify things with his driver. And the good news was just the right thing…
<"Hey, Julián...guess what, man?">
<"Oh, dear, my holiest Virgencita...this Gringo is speaking Spanish to me now...">
<"Wha...hey, stop that, man. Today, I am a Latino again!!">
<“Latino, you say?”>
<“Yep. Boricua, and proud of it!”>
<"Andale, so this carnal was pulling my leg off, it seems... No wonder he was so ashamed when I knew you...! And, did the gringos let you be a Latino, you say?">
<"Well, apparently yes... Come, I'm gonna have my breakfast. I invite. Actually, I drive, since I got my license a few days ago, and I wanted to show it off...">
<“Andele pues, I'm just going to have a small siesta over here, just a little...">
__________________________________________________ _____________________
On a dark building, atop a high skyscraper…
A lone man saw through the tinted windows of his office, a dark shadow emerging from the dim light of day that seeped through it. Looking at the distance, the long-haired blond man held a glass with dark-red liquid, Aside him, another dark figure stood vigilant, equally dressed, and equally malevolent. The two figures remained silent, observing the ebb and flow of the human society…
“Intriguing…humans are such pitiful creatures… And to think God has sympathy towards these feeble creatures. We, who should have gained the grace of God…and He abandoned us to our fate…”
“Speak not, sire…you are reminding us of our fate. It is our destiny to end this race, for their own sake…Perhaps then, God will smile upon us again…”
“That…will be unnecessary, Asmodeus. Soon…we will prove God He was wrong. Humans were never meant to exist. Only we, the true Elohim, are the real sons of God. And He will yield to me. He condemned us to spiritual forms, but soon…the Gates of Hell shall open. And no force in the Universe will stop us…”
“Not even…”
“Hah!! Don’t make me laugh…Lilith and her kin are only rejects, and we shall extinguish their race before our master plan unleashes… She will yield to me…for it was me that caused her to betray her dear God…and now look at her!! She despises her Creator, as I do… But only one will succeed. Ain’t I right, Asmodeus?”
“Indeed, my master. I shall return. The armies do not command themselves alone, milord.”
“Very well. I wish you success in your campaign to extinguish the dreaded Tanar’ri from the face of my future kingdom. Just a few days ago, I assured many souls to our cause. They shall serve as proper fodder, my dear friend. Now leave. I must attend to business here…” The latter figure disappeared in a puff of black smoke, which turned red in the presence of the dim light. The other remained looking at the sky, thoughtful…
“God…is he your last hope? He is just a child…and naïve at that. I pity you, decrepit one…If you leave the fate of the Universe in a mere child, then you have lost all hope… What a shame…and to think..."
"I loved you once…”
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