Now summer is here, I want to get back into my writting. It was this time last year in fact I was really into coming up with ideas for a story, and getting it all down on paper. A few weeks ago, I remembered I had a thread called A world to descibe!, and I posted here the start, and a few of the starting chapters. I found the file on my computer too, and reading though it... I knew I could improve on what I have. I went back to the drawing boards, came up with a plan for my story (when writting it first time around, it was just a one shot thing that sparked from a role-play post I'd made on Vaperida), and now I have a good idea of what I'm writting about.
What I'm about to post is a re-write. This is quite funny... but the first version of the chapter was only 426 words long - my new and improved version is 2,836 words long! So, if you have time to read, comment and provide constructive criticism, thank you so much! I appreciate it! =]
First Version for the LOL!:
DragonHeart's help from last time.:
So, here goes!
~~*~~
Power of Darkness.
Prologue.
‘I remember the night I was turned as if it was yesterday. As if the fear I felt was permanently tattooed on or imprinted into my mind. I could describe every single detail like you couldn’t imagine. The overwhelming fear that crumpled my every being as the blood began to drip from my neck to the ground... not the kind of thing any fifteen year old should go through, especially right before their sixteenth birthday.’
The girl was breathing heavily, almost gasping for the air that refused to fill her lungs. Her legs, burning from her run, refused to carry her another step forward. Bending over and resting her hands just above her knees, she tried to catch her breath. The rain started to fall, gently at first, and then quickly got heavier. A cold droplet fell on the back of her neck and sent a chill down her spine.
She heard the dead, fallen leaves behind her scuffle and shot up. Her heart began to race something fierce, causing her to breathe faster. She saw nothing there, but what came next, no one could have prepared her for: the sound of whoever it was giggling. Uncontrollably. She gulped, before shouting out:
“Where are you? Show yourself!” She quickly regretted it; what could she do if they did show themselves? She was completely defenceless.
There was another scuffle in the leaves behind her again. Whoever it was, was playing a very sick game, and was obviously circling her like a trapped animal. She wanted to run badly, but couldn’t decide on a direction to run in – the scuffling and giggling soon sounded like it was coming from everywhere. Anger got the better of her, pushing her frightened side aside, drowning it deep inside her.
“I said where are you!” she screamed, close to tears. The giggling stopped. The leaves failed to move, even by the wind it seemed which was slowly picking up her hair, lifting it away from her neck. The fear broke to the surface again, and she clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms. It was then she heard a seductive voice whisper in her ear:
“I’m right here.”
She froze. Everything seemed to have stopped, or slowed down in her world. The raindrops which has just been falling heavily in front of her face hung there, in mid air like millions of tiny diamonds. Her heart stopped. Her eyes widened as she felt hot breath on her neck, then the pointed edges of teeth pressing into the skin, breaking it slowly...
That was when the pain started, and time returned to normal. Her heart came back to life, and shot up into her throat, choking her screams as she felt her legs finally give way under her. The beast let go of her briefly to let out a roar of pleasure, before bending down over her to feed again. She could feel its claws digging deep into her shoulders as the thing sucked and licked at her neck. The pain was unbearable, so she kept her fists clenched hoping that it would help take some of the pain away. She was still screaming, but they were getting slowly weaker and weaker and weaker.
Her screams went unheard.
Chapter One.
The clouds had slowly started to gather in the skies, being pushed along by a strong northern wind, blanketing the land in a temporary darkness. A storm was starting to brew, everyone knew that much; the wildlife had disappeared, taken refuge inside their burrows and holes to save their fur from the tiny specks of rain water which had started to slip down from the heavens. The only hint of any life in the woods was the odd melody from a bird, and leaves rustling as they make their way home to a nest. A grey rabbit scuffled quickly through the crisp, fallen leaves, the sound unheard by human ears. It eventually made its way up a steep slope which led onto a road which winds its way around and through the forest. Stopping on the roads edge, its ears shot up and twitched; a low rumbling sound was getting louder, making its way closer.
The motorbike tore down the uneven road surface, gently tilting to the sides as the rider commanded the machine gently around its bends. Dust, dead leaves and small stones flew out of the way as the bike hurtled onwards, as if retreating an almost certain crushing. The rider could feel the engine growling beneath her seat, sending vibrations across the seat and to the handles. Her hands buzzed to its power as she gripped the handles, and urged the bike forward.
She was close. So close to her destination, where she could for the first time in weeks, relax. This bike needs to move faster! she told herself, knowing it wasn’t physically possible; she was pushing her rides boundaries enough as it was. Knowing she didn’t have far to go made her all the more impatient, like an itch or ache that wouldn’t remove itself from her body, no matter what she did. Blinking the dust from her tired eyes, she saw the small tavern off in the distance, at the end of a long stretch of road. The familiar sensation of relief took over, making her heart give one solid beat against her rib cage, sending enough adrenaline filled blood to all the right places to give her the extra kick she needed to move on.
Approaching the tavern, the bike slowed down and rolled in which ever direction the woman pointed the handles in. The tires crunched against the gravel, pushing it into the surely damp earth beneath it. The bike slowed down eventually to a stop around the side of the small building, just as more rain started to fall. The wind picked up too, forcing the droplets to fire in the woman’s direction. She killed the engine, and replaced the keys into her jacket pocket, making sure to thread the button through to close it. She looked up towards the heavy clouds to feel the rain on her face, washing off the grime and sweat of her journey. Sighing, she raised herself from the seat, swinging her right leg over her sleeping motorcycle, and walked towards the wooden building. Pulling her long, cloak like coat around her, she looked up at the swinging sign which read: “Devils Den” with a picture of a devil like creature holding a bottle of beer. She could feel the wind on her legs, wrestling the bottom of the coat behind her. Holding the top of the jacket closed with her left hand, she reached out with the right to open the weather beaten door to the bar.
For a moment upon her entry, everyone looked up from their drinks and turned in their stools. They continued to watch her as she closed the door behind her, allowing the back of her coat to relax as the lack of out-door breeze failed to lift it. Turning her body around gave them all a glimpse of the blade attached to her waist as her coat shifted. She heard a gasp come from a table to her left, and turned her head to look. A young child, a girl sitting there with an older man, shivered with fear. Giving the little girl a weak but slightly warm smile, and pulling her attire closer around her to hide her weapon, she took a step forward, making the rotten floor boards creak under her weight. Everyone realised she wasn’t there to start trouble, and quickly got back to their drinks and mild chatter.
A smiling male face stood behind the bar, welcoming her, beckoning her closer. Wincing, she finally made it to the counter and sat down on one of the few battered stools lined up in front of it.
“Entity!” said the landlord, “You’ve finally come back! It’s been a while, I can tell you – I never thought we’d be honoured by your presence again!” Entity gave another weak smile, but this one no warmer than the un-cooled larger barrels under the counter.
“If I hadn’t returned, Dran, you’d never be able to live with yourself knowing that it was because of you I was gone.” She raised an eyebrow at the now stuttering man. He couldn’t seem to find the words to even defend himself. Pathetic. He could give the cheek, but when matters got serious and too true for his liking, he’d never find the words to get himself out of the hole he was digging himself into. Finding himself, he asked:
“Can I get you a drink?”
What? Entity thought. A drink? Not even a... oh, are you hurt or are you ok? She sighed. At least she was somewhat safe.
“Courvoisier and coke. A double, and bring it over to my table; I’d rather sit alone this evening...” she added as the man sitting on the stool next to her licked his lips and grinned. Dran scowled at the punter as Entity turned and allowed herself to slip off the stool. She grimaced, and looked down at her stomach. She was wounded, and could feel the skin stretch and shift with every move she made. Once seated alone at her table in the corner of the bar, beside the counter, she carefully lifted her thin-plate armour and looked at the damage. A deep tear in her once to lovely flesh oozed crimson blood, which was being absorbed by a few layers of linen shirts she wore under it.
Breathing in deeply, she clenched her fists against the stinging pain. Making sure no one was looking, she raised the armour higher and pressed her right fore and middle fingers over the skin. Closing her eyes tightly in concentration, she tilted her head down and imagined the skin weaving itself back together, becoming stronger once more. It’s all it took, and a few seconds later, she opened her eyes to see only a few stains of dried blood around the now disappeared wound. Despite it only being a menial thing she did, fixing a cut like that, it took all the strength she did have. She tried to calm down her breathing and looked up to see Dran standing there, with a look of concern on his face, holding her drink.
“I’m fine, really.” She muttered as he lowered the glass to the table. “It was only a scratch.”
“A scratch? A scratch wouldn’t cause you to bleed like that.” Entity blushed, and looked away. She reached out for her drink, and raised it to her lips under Dran’s watchful eye. Half growling, she put the glass back on the table and looked at him. Why are you still here? I’m in no mood for another one of your lectures! she screamed at him in her head. He must have heard her, because he sat down in the chair across the table from her, and looked into her eyes. It made her feel uncomfortable, yet she glared straight back into his.
“I’m worried about you,” he finally came out with. “Both me and my Rosy are. You never take a break, and when you do it’s usually because you’ve weakened yourself after an injury.” His eyes moved down to her waist where she had just repaired her skin. “Rinth hasn’t seen you in a couple of weeks now either, - I think you should pay her and the children a visit soon.”
“I wouldn’t be away so much if there was nothing for me to do. You know I wouldn’t be able to rest just sitting around Rinth’s house, knowing that whoever turned me and most likely those kids into what we are now! I have to keep looking, damn it!” This time she did pick up her glass and drank the liquid inside it. She didn’t stop until it was half finished, and then placed the glass back on the table, quickly catching her breath. “Besides, the jobs you give me are too well paid to pass up – I need to keep my bike fuelled and in top condition if I want to keep my freedom.” At that, Dran chuckled to himself.
“Okay. Well, I have people to serve at the bar – I’ve gotta keep them happy, or I won’t be getting any money to pay you with. If you need anything, feel free to call. I’ll tell Rose you are here too.” He stood, and pointed at the glass. “Top up?”
Entity smiled and shook her head. She watched him walk back towards the counter, greeting a few people who had just come in to take shelter from the rain, which was now coming down heavy on the roof. Someone on the other side of the room had picked a song on the duke box, its music now filling the air with a soft melody. It had been a while since Entity had heard that song being played. Been even longer since Dran updated those old songs too... she chuckled to herself. Leaning back on her chair slightly, she rested her head against the wall and closed her rather heavy eyes. It was unclear if she was just tired, or if it was because she had drank her drink too fast and it had gone to her head. Courvoisier has that effect.
It wasn’t long before Entity drifted off into a sleep, and was dreaming of the last week.
Dran was there, holding a letter and a package. I didn’t care for the letter, so it was indeed the package I took from his grasp first. Ripping it open, I pulled out a handful of notes; my payment. I shifted them from my left hand to the right with my thumb as I counted it out, double checking what we had agreed was all there. Tucking it away in my pocket, Dran held the note out towards me. He had that look in his eye; the one he always gave me when he was unsure of what I was going to do next. I took the note, and he looked down at the floor, as if ashamed of himself. If he didn’t want me doing these odd jobs, why would he willingly show me the letters I had always wondered to myself.
‘Dear Merc,
Cliffield Mine has been overrun by beasts, forcing my workers out. The beasts seem to be gathering there to nest, and although no danger reports have been heard from the nearby town of Heldon, it would be wise to empty the mines as soon as possible, so my workers can get back to work. In these times, loss of production costs are heavy not only to me and my family, but to the families of my workers.
I’m sure Dran picks you for good reasons, and I hope you are successful. Payment shall be issued upon your safe return (how does 300 sound?).
All the best,
Daniel Cliffield.’
The letter had read. Simple enough job to do – I had seen worse.
The mines seemed empty when I got there; I had to travel in quite deep before I found the beasts. Well, not beasts – they were lycan’s like myself, and only turned when I was spotted. I could feel my blade wobble with pleasure at my side, and I knew it was the only way I was going to get out of this one alive. Hunger for blood tore through me as I slashed at their bodies, turning the ground, the walls, and their clothes red with blood. I couldn’t help but turn to be like them, and before I knew it was a beast like them. Try as I might, I couldn’t transform back to my human form. It gets like that when the hunger takes over, and the only way to control it is by feeding, taking my fill of the gore.
I didn’t notice the unturned man hiding on a lower level when I switched back, naked and exhausted on the floor, ready to sleep. The feeling of his blade pressed into my stomach halfway through turning back was unbearable, but couldn’t be match with the pain he felt as my claws ripped his skin to shreds all around him.
Entity awoke with a start. Rose was standing beside her, after just tapping her awake. Sitting up properly, Entity rubbed her eyes and stifled a yawn before looking up at her with a small, sleepy smile.
“I think you were dreaming – you were making growling noises. I thought I should wake you in case anyone else heard...” she began to say.
“Thank you, Rose,” she yawned again. “I just drifted off – I don’t know what came over me.”
Rose sat down at the seat Dran had been sitting at a few hours earlier, and smiled at Entity. She was one of those women who anyone could look up to as their mother; you could always depend on her to offer soothing words, and the right ones when you needed it. Even a cuddle Entity had discovered not all that long ago. Her hair was constantly tied into a tight bun on the back of her head, and she wore an old, stain-splattered apron over whatever clothes she had decided to wear that morning.
The glass had gone, Entity noticed. Someone, the glass collector most likely, probably took it while she was asleep, not thinking she might have wanted to finish it when she awoke. It wasn’t as if she paid for it or anything, but it would have been nice to have got to finish it. Probably not the greatest of ideas – I’m going to have to drive home in a little while... she thought. Looking out of the window, she could see it was early morning – the sun by the looks of things had just started to rise in the east, making the sky glow a slight above the trees. At least the rain has stopped.
“Where are you heading now?” Rose asked, startling Entity again, who was still half-asleep. “I hope you are deciding to head back home to Rinth. Please don’t take another job from Dran until you’ve had a week or so resting. He told me you were bleeding...”
“I’m fine, thanks for your concern,” she replied. “I am going to go back home for a while – Dran spoke to me yesterday when I got back.” Entity stretched back on her chair, and then raised herself off it, leaving Rose sitting at the table.
“Promise me you’ll drive safe? I know what you young people are like with those bikes – at least wear your helmet this time!” Rose said seriously. Entity laughed.
“I love to feel the wind in my hair – the helmet stops that feeling. But I promise I’ll stay safe, and stick to a normal speed.”
Rose stood up too, a weak smile on her face. Entity wished she didn’t worry so much about her – she was a big girl now and could take care of herself. Rose went back behind the counter after giving her a warm hug, which seemed to have lasted forever. Dran was nowhere to be seen, so Entity left the tavern without saying a goodbye to him. She guessed Rose had got him out of sight, in the hopes she wouldn’t ask for another job or him offering her one.
It was warm and quite pleasant outside; the smell of rain and the wild garlic growing in a thicket nearby the roads edge filled the air. The birds were out too, singing in all their glory, happy they could all finally come out without fearing their feathers getting damp. Entity breathed it all in before igniting her bikes engine, and driving out of the car park. Pressing against the accelerator, she sped down and out along the road once again, a smile spread across her face as the breeze licked through her hair.
~~*~~
Hope you liked! ^^
EDIT: Added on the prologue at the start. >>;;
Last edited by Unknown Entity; 07-11-2009 at 04:37 PM.
"I used to be active here like you, then I took an arrow in the knee."
>>>------------->
Suddenly... clutter.:
Warning free for over eight years. Feels good.
Well... Your story is really great ^^ Your way better writher then me... People keep citizing me about it. It's called red eye... You can read it if you want. It's cased on FF and also a disease called red eye XD Pretty stupid i know XD.
Im suppose to be on vaction >.> <.< But i cant stand not being on XD Im gonna just update my story, and then im off for a while ^^
JillXWesker & MeruXDart FTW!
Criticism is a good thing though - it makes you a better writter because people are picking up on your flaws and telling you how you could improve it. Not everyone will like someone elses work because they have a different, prefered style of writting. So don't beat yourself up about it, and take the advice everyone has given you so you can improve it. Also, if it is your first draft, you have to be prepared to take some sorta criticism. Its really not a bad thing. =]Originally Posted by Outdoor2497
I'll have to go and read what you've written, and I'll help you with it if you want. ^^
And thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. =]
"I used to be active here like you, then I took an arrow in the knee."
>>>------------->
Suddenly... clutter.:
Warning free for over eight years. Feels good.
but the first version of the chapter was only 426 words long - my new and improved version is 2,836 words long! So, if you have time to read, comment and provide constructive criticism, thank you so much! I appreciate it! =]
It's not a thing you might be worried about
having little words doesn't mean that you haven't done something great
sometimes a huge amount of words would be such a meaningless thing , boring and repeating the same thing over and over without any new way of narrating , it might won't add anything new and won't help in the developments of the events you are describing!
that's my opinion
but waite!
still i haven't read it yet
looks like you're so creative one
I will comment again after i have a cup of tasty coffee that will fit the beauty drawn within your story
Your effort is highly appreciated ^_*
see you
Last edited by Diyala; 03-12-2010 at 08:44 PM.
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