Spam emails...

[Furore]

Don't they just crack you up with how stupid you'd have to be to fall for some of them? We're talking this one (several people I know have gotten identical emails):

WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE‏
From: MRS LIZ ([email protected])
Medium riskYou may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as unsafe
Sent: Wednesday, 11 June 2008 8:37:49 AM
Reply-to: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Dearest One,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into Business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory.

I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to it's esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with and by their recommendations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.

My name is Mrs. Liz Gikandi. the wife of late Mr. James T. Gikandi who was the Cocoa exporting director here in Ivory Coast before he died in the year 2005. We were married for twenty years with one child called Johnson who is 16 year old. When my husband was alive we deposited the sum of Six Million United state Dollars (USD$6,000,000.00) with a Security Company Presently, this money is still in the Security Company, but my worried is recently my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Two months due to my cancer Sickness, and since then my whole life has been a miserable one. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke condition,

I need a Godly person who will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct, to use some part of the money for charity and orphanage and to invest the rest of the money for good business in your country so that my son will have a better future. I also took this decision because my husband relatives are not honest with my husband when he was alive, they are enemies of progress and they don't have the fear of God in them, they are not Godly and I have to avoid them having any idea about this fund.

I want my son to inherit this money but he can not carry out this alone due to his younger age with his low mentality and to keep away from any mistake of my late husbands relatives having any idea of this deposit because the are always around us to monitor our movements to see if there is still any hidden treasure, property or money. this is why I take this bold decision to contact you personally as a foreigner for assistance, so that the Compnay can transfer the money out of this Country in your name as my foreign partner once I present you.

As soon as I hear from you I shall direct you to the Security Company here where the money was deposited with all the informations. Please I want you and your family to always pray for my healing and to always be prayerful to God in all the days of your life. The God is our strength and with God all things are possible. I will be expecting to hear from you soonest.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Liz Gikandi.

That cracked me up pretty bad actually. Note the bit I bolded, I very much doubt any of my 'business associates' are of that esteemed a character. There's also calling the recipient a 'Godly person' when my mate got it as well and he's so anti-God it's not funny. He sent an angry reply back as he felt offended.

Oh, and then there's the ever infamous ebay phishing letter...

eBay New Unpaid Item Message from davidmaxmark:‏
From: [email protected] ([email protected])
Sent: Sunday, 15 June 2008 5:29:29 AM
To:

eBay New Unpaid Item Message from davidmaxmark: #270241657095-- response required


Dear member,

eBay member davidmaxmark has left you a message regarding item #270241657095

View the dispute thread to respond.

Regards,

eBay

What was stupid about this document? Well it features the ebay logo, only of lower quality as it's been resized. AND it lacks all the colours of every other ebay email you'll ever receive.

What are your experiences with email spam? Got any you found funny due to inaccuracies or just as they didn't fit the bill? This is the thread. And it could also doubly serve as an early warning for those less well suited to spotting these things.

[Alice]

Spam emails. I know a few people who have got this one...

An email from someone called "Jane" who keeps asking me to add her onto MSN nonstop. She once claimed she found my pics and name on MySpace and said I was good looking and etc...which was total crap. Back when I got that email for the first time, I had no pictures of myself on the net, and I still don't. No one knew my actual name back then too, and it was definitely not on MySpace publically...

...ohh and I got some of those emails saying I won the lottery or something, which have been coming in a lot recently. Blargh. Some of these emails annoy me to no end, and some amuse me. Such as the Jane ones. They just fail. Epic fail. Literally. It failed on everything it said.

EDIT: Oh yeah, I forgot to add. I have a friend that doesn't have a MySpace and he still got that Jane email. So yeah. It DEFINITELY fails every single word in each email.

[Doc Rocco]

YOU HAVE WONED A LOT OF MONEY!
From: MEGA LOTTERIES ([email protected])
High riskYou may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as unsafe
Sent: Thursday, 8 May 2008 2:27:15 PM
Reply-to: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Sir, Madam

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Lottery Winners International programs held on the 29th of April 2004 Your E-mail address attached to Ticket number 20511465897-6291 with Serial number 472-971103 drew lucky numbers 8-66-97-22-71-64 which consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum payout of US$ 1,500,000.00 (One Million ,Five hundred Thousand United States Dollars).This is from a total cash prize of USD$15,000,000.00 Million shared among Ten International Lucky Winners in the Category A ( Plus )+ . CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Be informed that your documents have to pass our authority to obtain a clearance, which shall be attached to your Document in readiness of the subsequent onward transfer into your nominated bank account with 24 hours of completion of the authentication. Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information very confidential until your claims have been processed as the Beneficiary Certificate Ownership Winning Notification, Stamp duties and re-activation of Account of your prize /money remitted in readiness of the subsequent onward transfer into your nominated Bank Account is completed

This is in conformity with the latest transfer regulations signed by the Organization / Netherlands Government since this is part of our Security protocol measures to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 100,000,000 Companies and 200,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world, through the aid of our insurance Company cPanel®

This promotional program takes place annually. We hope you will take part in our next year USD$45 Million International lottery. To file for your claim, please contact our /your fiducial agent MRS CATHERINE BLAKE the DOLLAR ACCREDITED PAYMENT AGENT
TEL: +31-650-470-334
FAX: +31-650-470-334
Email : [email protected]

NOTE: That all winnings must be claimed not later than 30th of MAY 2004. After this date all unclaimed funds will be included in the next stake. Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.

Finally, we call on you to make sure that you note every letter clearly as stated for we will not be held responsible should there be any complications in this transaction due to laxity on your part. So you are to expedite action in claiming of your funds, for delays will compel us to disperse your funds, in other words, we shall divert your funds as stated above. In order to avoid unnecessary delays and mistakes, Kindly remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all correspondence.

Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible. Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program.

Please include the following in your reply e-mail:
-Name
-D.O.B.
-FULL Address
-Bank Account details (So we can deposit your winnings)
-Credit card details (To verify who you are)

Yours truly
Mr Harry Herman
Lottery Coordinator

It's too good to be true! I have woned so much money! I can't believe it! All I need to do is send them my name, address, bank account and credit details! Please. If you fall for this, you deserve to have your money taken from you.

[LocoColt04]

It's too good to be true! I have woned so much money! I can't believe it! All I need to do is send them my name, address, bank account and credit details! Please. If you fall for this, you deserve to have your money taken from you.

Don't forget your Driver's License number, alarm codes for your house and/or vehicle, the whereabouts of your hidden stashes of money or important documents in your house, the location of your spare key, and your Social Security number!

[Rasler]

I can't really post any of my spam here, as it is almost exclusively of a sexually explicit nature, promising me "70% off ivagra cialsi" [sic] and the like. "Hello, make a/the wise/right decision/choice, buy your drugs from the most well-known onine [sic] shop."

I am amused by the terrible spelling and the misconception that I need ED pills.

Since I have no real spam emails to contribute, I thought I'd share this ad I screengrabbed.

[Alice]

Oh, I recently got another spam email. It was a viagra ad. And I don't understand a THING it says AT ALL.

SPAM MAIL!:

"Sparklingly joyous both sexes, and by and by pretty but we'll
reflect the morals of gopher prairie to make a haggas pudding
in a sheeps paunch. Take death, brought us to a hollow in
the face of the as minute and fine as that of an engraver
upon tyndareus, not only because i have heard the tale walls
which were our only defence. I remember the wire saying
she was returning to france came. "

If someone can understand this mysterious nonsensical language, I'd be happy. Then again, I doubt a translator exists...

Yeah, I deleted the message the instant too. It makes no sense to me at all. A pic saying "Viagra" followed by said text. Me knows nothing.

[Doc Rocco]

Winning Notification‏
From: GLOBAL NATIONAL LOTTERY ([email protected])
You may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as unsafe
Sent: Sunday, 6 July 2008 5:30:10 AM
Reply-to: [email protected]
To: [email protected]


GLOBAL NATIONAL LOTTERY.
LONDON OFFICE.
Aldermoor House, PO Box 227,
Coventry CV3 1LT London,
United Kingdom

Dear Winner,
I am please to announce to you that your email has just won the sum of
500,000.00 GBP in the just concluded GLOBAL NATIONAL LOTTERY. that was done around the globe online
Your email address as indicated was drawn and attached to ticket
number 008795727498 with serial numbers BTD/9080648302/06 and drew the
lucky numbers 14-21-25-39-40-47(20)
which subsequently won you 500,000.00 (Five Hundred Thousand Great
Britain Pounds) as one of the jackpot winners in this draw.You have
therefore won the entire winning sum of 500,000.00 (Five Hundred
Thousand Great Britain Pounds).Please be informed by this winning
notification,to file your claims,you are to make contact with your
designated agent who shall by duty guide you through the process to
facilitate the release of your prize.
Please contact our Fiduciary Agent for VALIDATION.
**************************************************
Mr Gary smith

Global national lottery Team
Head Winning Claims Dept.
TELL:+44 70457 54478
E-mail: [email protected]

PLEASE FILL BELOW YOUR DETAILS AND SEND IT
TO OUR CLAIM AGENT.
Name Of Winner:_____________________________
Sex_______________________________________
Nationality:_________________________________
Age:________________________________
Occupation::_________________________________
Marital Status:________________________________
Tel No:______________________________________
Fax No:_____________________________________
Postal Address:______________________________
Country:_____________________________________


Sincerely,
Mr Daniel philip
Global national lottery

1. Global National Lottery? Oxymoron much?
2. I'm 16. How could I buy a lottery ticket?
3. Why does a lottery have to use Hotmail? You'd think they'd have enough to buy their own email address.
4. It's so professional. Missing full stops, uncapitalised letters. Certain areas don't make sense. Obviously it got a thorough proof read.
5. Why does a lottery need my sex? Or occupation? Or marital status? It couldn't be a scam could it?

Morons.

[Lilium]

I've gotten a few, but these were by far the weirdest ones I've ever gotten:

Password Help
Monday, July 7, 2008 3:41 AM
From:"[email protected]" <[email protected]>

Your password is 'hyper7561'.

User Name Help
Monday, July 7, 2008 3:52 AM
From: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>

Your user name is 'Colbyjohnson'.

...I've gotten better ones with stories and exoticness and all of that sort of thing, but this has got to be, by far, the most strangest one I've ever gotten.

I've been to the site, and it's not a spam site or anything of the sort, but others have actually said stuff concerning a dead adventurer that traveled around the world giving me his fortune because I was either a good friend or a family member (forget which), or some message concerning a prince in Africa (forgot what it was about, and am too lazy to dig it up through my Trash folder).

This one though, just gave me a username and a password. It was really, really weird. To me, anyway.

[Unknown Entity]

I once got one asking about my funeral arrangements... I don't have the mail anymore - got it MONTHS ago, but it was asking me if I was possitive that everything had been sorted out, and then it asked me about the content of my Will...

Firstly, I ain't got a Will down on paper. My Will has been typed mentally in my head so far...

And what on earth would they do with the information in my Will? Just by telling them over a mail doesn't make everything legal - they would still need to see my soliciter, right?

Apparently, my friend has had one just like it - about the same time I got mine.

[Doc Rocco]

This message was marked as junk and will be deleted after ten days.
Attachments, pictures, and links in this message have been blocked for your safety. Show content
I learned what women do on a farm. NEVER leave them there lonesome!‏
From: eustace guy ([email protected])
You may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as unsafe
Sent: Thursday, 17 July 2008 12:37:43 AM
Reply-to: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]
Never leave your wife on a farm alone. She might replace you with animals and you will be way out of the competition for the rest of your relationship. I discovered it the hard way. Here are the details: GET A FREE LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP TO THE "LOVE ZOO"

Now, I have an inkling as to what the link actually links to. And I'm not game enough to try it. Obviously this email has been spammed to oblivion using a script of some sort, as made obvious by the addressees. All begin with [email protected]. Hence my receiving a copy. If you're game enough, or into that kind of thing, click the link and tell me if what I thought was right. I'm just NOT into that kind of thing.

I've also received emails telling me I've scored parts in a movie. When I next get one, I'll put it up.

[Alice]

FROM JOE KELLY

ATTN MY GOOD FRIEND I AM MR JOE KELLY A SENIOR STAFF WITH THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN).I AM WRITING YOU THIS LETTER BECAUSE COOL PENNY IS BETTER THAN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

IT IS BETTER FOR ONE TO LIVE AND DIE A POOR HONEST MAN THAN A RICH DISHONEST ONE.I AND THE CHIEF SECURITY OFFICER (CSO) OF OUR BANK HAVE ARRANGED WITH AN OFFICER IN THE COMPUTER SECTION OF THIS BANK, ENGINEER CHUKA ILOH TO BRING OUT PART OF YOUR TOTAL CONTRACT SUM AMOUNTING TO FIVE MILLION US DOLLARS.

WHY WE DID THIS,IS BECAUSE ACCORDING TO INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE BANKS COMPUTER, YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG TIME TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY WITHOUT SUCCESS. AS I FOUND OUT THAT YOU HAVE ALMOST MET ALL THE STATUTORY REQUIREMENTS OF THE CBN IN RESPECT OF YOUR CONTRACT PAYMENT,YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT OF INTEREST GROUPS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR PAYMENT AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE MERELY DOING PAPER WORK WITH YOU AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU RECEIVE FAX AND PHONE MESSAGES FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE EVERYDAY.ALSO WE FOUND OUT THAT SOME OF THE OFFICIALS OF VARIOUS PARASTATALS HAVE BEEN EXTORTING A LOT OF MONEY FROM YOU IN THE PRETEXT OF HELPING YOU RECEIVE YOUR MONEY,I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MAY LAST FOR YEARS YET NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU DO NOT DO AWAY WITH THOSE OFFICERS THAT YOU CALL YOUR PARTNERS.

I AM WILLING TO HELP YOU GET YOUR MONEY BUT PLEASE FOR SECURITY REASONS DO NOT TELL ANYBODY THAT YOU HAVE YOUR MONEY UNTIL YOU RECEIVE CASH AT YOUR DOORSTEP.THE MONEY IS IN TWO SECURITY-PROOF BOXES WEIGHING 10KG EACH, THAT IS 20KG FOR THE TWO BOXES, YESTERDAY WE WENT TO FOUR COURIER SERVICE TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS ON HOW TO SHIP THEM BY COURIER SERVICE TO YOU. DHL, EMS, FEDEX AND ISA, ALL SAID THAT THEY MUST OPEN THE BOXES FOR INSPECTION BY THE CUSTOMS BEFORE SHIPMENT. THIS IS SOMETHING WE WANT TO AVOID BECAUSE THE BOXES WERE PADDED WITH MACHINE. WE TOLD THE COURIER SERVICE THAT THE BOXES CONTAINS PHOTOGRAPHIC AND FILM MATERIALS AND WHEN OPENED WILL LOOSE ITS EFFICACY. WE DID NOT DECLARE MONEY BECAUSE COURIER SERVICE DOES NOT CARRY MONEY.

TODAY A FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS A CHRISTIAN LIKE ME DISCLOSED TO ME THAT THERE IS A COURIER SERVICE THEY USE TO SEND PACKAGES AND INFORMATION FROM ONE COUNTRY TO ANOTHER, AND THE COURIER SERVICE CAN DELIVER THE PACKAGE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD AND CANNOT BE INSPECTED BY ANY CUSTOMS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.THE NAME OF THE COURIER SERVICE IS INTACH SECURITY COURIER COMPANY (ISCC).

I WILL MEET WITH THEM AS SOON AS I HAVE YOUR GO AHEAD ORDER.THE COURIER SERVICE WILL HELP ME SO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEM.WE HAVE CONCLUDED THAT YOU MUST COMPENSATE US WITH FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE YOUR MONEY. TO THIS EFFECT, YOU WILL SEND US A PROMISSORY NOTE FOR FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ALONG WITH YOUR ADDRESS FOR SENDING THE BOXES BY COURIER. PLEASE MAINTAIN TOPMOST SECRECY AS IT MAY CAUSE A LOT OF PROBLEMS IF FOUND OUT THAT WE ARE USING THIS WAY TO HELP YOU,DO NOT EVER TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR MONEY.

I WANT TO HELP YOU BECAUSE OF THE PERCENTAGE YOU WILL GIVE ME FOR ASSISTING YOU.WHEN YOU CONCLUDE WITH THIS AND YOU SEND OUR PROMISE, WE WILL HELP TO SHIP PART OF YOUR MONEY TO YOU.

YOU ARE ADVICED TO RE-CONFIRM THE UNDERLISTED INFORMATIONS SO THAT THE CONSIGNMENT CAN BE DELIVERED TO YOU.

GOD IS WITH US AS WE WAIT FOR YOUR REPLY.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
MR.JOE KELLY.

I have three things to say.

Its in caps.
All of it is in caps.
Its so full of caps lock I can't be bothered reading it.

Maybe one day when I get bored enough I may refer back to this post and actually read it...but I doubt I'll ever be that bored.