Relationship Advice?

[Sean]

I can't believe I'm actually going this far to post a thread on a fkin internet forum looking for advice here... but I gotta say... I'm completely lost, pretty bummed, quite hurt, and rather heartbroken.

Sooo.... To be more specific this is long-distance (and somewhat international) relationship advice.

I met a girl, obviously, over the internet and we had an instantaneous connection. I (and I'm 100% positive of this) have fallen in love with her, and according to her the feeling is reciprocated.

It's been ~ 4 years since my last serious relationship, and this got really serious, albeit long-distance. The feelings and attraction were definitely real, we've talked on the phone, texted, and cammed (clear your minds pervs) multiple times. As well as certain.. "private" transactions between us. This has been going on for a little over a month. We both agreed it was a very real relationship, that I was her boyfriend and her my girlfriend.

Going into this I told myself, and her, this is completely ridiculous, that I was falling for someone who lived so far away. Her response was "Maybe it's just meant to be..." I truly believed that with all my heart. By "so far away" she lives ~ 800 miles away, outside of Toronto, in Canada. Myself being from St. Louis, MO.

Some backstory: She had a previous long-distance relationship that lasted for a number of years, and they had actually been engaged and were in the process of planning a wedding and his (obvious) relocation to her, when he broke up with her, because he had met some girl where he lived and, apparently, got her pregnant. The break up was ~ 4-5 months ago (quite soon, yes)

Last Friday her and I were talking, one thing led to another, and she told me she "doesn't want to be in a relationship." I took this at face value, got quite hurt, and we talked about it, and that was that. We continued to talk while I tried probing her mind because I like closure, and I like understanding the feelings of the other person. I told her that was that, that I wouldn't be able to talk to her for quite awhile because I was pretty hurt, even though she wanted to remain friends.

She wouldn't let me off the conversation that night, because we were both upset. I started prying, trying to figure out why SHE was upset. This came down to... she was upset because she hurt me. I told her not to worry about me, that if she didn't want to be in a relationship I understood and would eventually get over it.

This led to further conversation of her saying she does want a relationship, with me, and that we'll work through it, that she'd "miss me too much if I were gone from her life". Further conversation led us full circle, and a couple of days later everything was back to normal.

Tuesday night we were talking, and I can pretty much sense something is awry. She brings up Friday night, I ask her more specifically what about it, and she again tells me she doesn't think she wants a relationship. Further discussion, and me questioning "you don't think, or you know?" leads that she does in fact not want a relationship at this point.

We talk some more, because again she will not let me let her go. It comes down to... she does in fact want a relationship, with me, if I could be THERE. Since I currently cannot for more than a few visits at a time for now (a visit was planned out for this coming June, and I have already purchased my passport), this doesn't fly for her. I ask her why loving one another isn't enough.. she cannot answer.

This leads to her telling me she NEEDS (physically, mentally, and emotionally) someone that she can be with whenever she wants. I agree with this feeling... but tell her I love her quite a lot, and that I was planning to do everything in my power to make that a reality asap. She then tells me, before she started talking to me, she was talking to a guy that lives in her town... and they had stopped talking after she met me. She had recently started talking to him again, and was hoping she could pursue something real with him.

Conversation the next day led me to tell her that I respected her feelings and understood them, that I still loved her, could not change that, but couldn't bear not talking to her anymore... and that I'd always be there for her. She said she appreciated this. Her "pet" terms for me (hun, babe, etc) still occur, and I have still talked to her every day. I, personally, have not been the one to initiate conversation, she's always the one messaging me. She told me on Wednesday, after I hadn't answered her texts and had been off MSN all day, when she caught me in World of Warcraft, telling me that she really missed talking to me, and that she was really depressed.

I cannot for the life of me understand why someone could miss someone they broke up with. I also cannot understand her feelings completely, I don't know if she's just scared of a repeat of her last relationship happening, if she really just cannot handle a long distance relationship, or if she's really just scared of a relationship in general right now. I'm at a total loss.

From my perspective, my feelings...

I'm very, very much in love with this girl. I have never felt this strongly about anyone before, and don't exactly see myself feeling this way again anytime in the near future. I have this image in my head of the "perfect" girl for me.... and she is that and more. We have the same personality traits, the same interests, same tastes, same thought process.... we get along in practically every aspect. I fell for her very fast, yes... but I know my feelings are true. I've given them more than enough thought at the beginning of our relationship to know this.



My heart tells me to keep trying, to weather this "storm" and hope that she comes around to me. That, if I make the proper sacrifice (my time, money, and eventual relocation after college) this can become a very real and lasting relationship. My brain tells me to move on, get over the loss, and find someone closer to me.

You tell me, which should I listen to? So far the only real advice I've gotten is from a friend of mine who has 0 relationship experience, telling me that this is nothing and that she'll eventually realize she really wants to be with me. I find it hard to believe him, because, as I've said, he has no relationship experience.

Sorry for the wall of text... but the week has been hell on me. I really need some advice, and have no friends to turn to.

[OnOneRyder]

Been in a similar situation when a gf of mine of little over a year moved out of the country to pursue a new job. At first there was the hurt of not having her around, then that turned into missing her for other reasons...then it turned into just doing whatever we could to hold it together. Some people can handle them, others can't. Myself I'm pretty content with knowing someone out there cares for me and I know we'd be together again someday but as much as you may be sure of it it'll never work unless it's mutual. Some people need the physical contact to be certain of love.

And unfourtunately you also have to consider the fact that it's all an effort to not give out a real reason for her wanting to break up. There's the possibility she's torn between two people and is afraid of letting go of someone she cares about.

[Unknown Entity]

Us women... We really have no idea what we want. Heh.

I've not got much relationship experience, so I might not be of a lot of help. One thing I'll say about internet relationships: They are good in the side you get to know a person a lot more than you would if you'd just bumped into them in a cafe or a bar (I think I'm more open with the people on TFF than my flesh friends, which is fuct if you ask me). They are bad because as a result of you getting to know them deeply, feelings can be a lot stronger for them than people you know in the flesh. Hence, you get hurt a lot more, and (from my exerience), can take a lot longer getting over.

Ask her what it is she wants from you. Not in a way that might brew a row, just as a friend ask her what she wants. From what I hear, she is kind of playing a game of tennis in her head with going backwards and forwards deciding to have a relationship or not. Then maybe talk about what it is you want, and if what you both want matches, talk about how you can move on from there.

Do you want to continue the relationship, or just be a friend to her?

EDIT:

Personally... I'd be stuck to. But I'd know everntually I'd have to get over it, and except the fact we live miles appart, and that there might be a chance I'd meet someone, or they would meet someone before you get a chance to meet properly. Also, put your education before any kind of relationship - my friends Cem and Priya put eachother before the courework, and now they are trying to catch up with the rest of us. :S

To end this, love ****ing stinks. >.<

[Rocky]

Hi, my name is Sean's doppelganger, nice to meet you.

I've been through pretty much the exact fkn thing quite recently, so allow me to be your guide into the mystical adventures and the persuit of love.

First of all, I'm sure you have very intense feelings for her, like I did with a girl I was seeing via the internet. But, as I started becoming more interested in her, I forgot the most important detail of this situation. She is a woman, on the internet. To females, this isn't really a big deal. To men, this is unheard of. Like the old saying goes, there are no women on the internets. Thus, to ALL the females of anything internet-wise, they will ALWAYS have some form of attention from men, whether we care to believe it or not. Because of this, it will be much easier for a girl to get away with all kinds of things and makes it simple as pie for them to hurt whoever they're seeing, regardless if they mean to or not. Now, I will get to the heart of the matter..

Long distance relationships do NOT work. How can one expect to meet someone hundreds of miles or more away and instantly be able to fully accept the significant others' mannerisms, habits, body language, etc? There are little things in all of my bestest of friends that drive me absolutely nuts, so how could I expect some random bimbo to be a picture perfect wife for me in every single way?

Now here comes the next part. Though I don't wanna do this, I'm gonna be a prick and judge your girlfriend from what you have told me. So last friday she didn't want a relationship, you talked her into it, and then the following tuesday she wasn't down to ride the love boat anymore? She doesn't even know what she wants. Personally, in my honest humble baby Jesus-loving opinion, I would have kicked her to the curb right then and there. If she is questioning even being in a relationship in general while you're there showing her your undying love and affection, then she has the tendencies of an attention-whore and is a waste of time. You are too good for that.

I'm sure you still have feelings for her and for that you are on good terms with her. If you want the best for her (and more importantly, yourself), then you should let her go. I know you are a great guy and all, but a close-distance relationship > long-distance relationship in any case.

As for the results? I would say cut your losses, thank God you didn't invest more resources into the relationship that wasn't meant to be, and move on. I would recommend trying to find someone in a closer area if you are still interested in forming a relationship. St Louis isn't that small of a place. If you are still interested in her, then I would say at least pretend that you aren't. She may try to come back into your life, but be strong and hold out for the real deal. Good luck to you with everything and hopefully you give my advice some thought!

[Neo Necron]

I cannot for the life of me understand why someone could miss someone they broke up with.

A girl I had very strong feelings for once rejected me who still wanted to give me attention. I eventually got over her, and I still have a strong love for her as a friend even though I don't want it to go any further anymore. Two friends of mine who had been going out for 6 years: the girl broke up with the guy but made every effort to remain close friends because she still loved him, just not in THAT way.

It's entirely possible to love a member of the opposite sex in a way that is purely plutonic, and for that love to be quite strong. If you have a strong connection with somebody and get on with them and become an important part of eachothers' lives, you love them, be that love plutonic or otherwise. It could be that that's how it is for this girl of yours.

[Sean]

Rocky, OnOne, Unknown, thanks for the input, Rocky's esepcially as (considering my current mood) it helped me finalize it all.

Now let's just hope tomorrow morning, when I'm no longer high and am severely hungover, my mood, thoughts, and feelings don't change.

We finalized everything tonight, because I wanted that ending closure so that I could close this chapter and move on, and she obliged me and granted it to me. We've agreed to be friends, but as far as we're both concerned there is no relationship and the feelings will fade... I've gone a few steps further in cutting her out, to where conversation is only possible when I'm in the proper mood.... these are my coping methods, because if I could, say, read her facebook, or read her comments on our mutual friend's facebooks... jealousy would arise if I'm in a bad state of mind, and I'd be back to square one.

I really appreciate the comments, maybe she really doesn't know what she wants, but I'm pretty sure by this point I in no way want a long distance relationship. Eventually I'll find someone nearer to me.

[Quistis]

Hey Sean, glad you're able to work things out. I agree that you should cut off communication with her (if not, completely). I've gone through a tough breakup before (and be all emo about it hahaha) and although I always wanted to talk to my ex that time, I'm glad that it didn't happen. I got over him eventually and met a much much better guy! Later on he would email me and I was like..."get lost" lol.

Don't lose hope in long distance though...although mine was a little different.

For instance, with my ex, our relationship started to fall apart when he moved to Boston. Then come I met this guy who is now my husband. We were only going out for 3 months when I had to move again due to my job. We were long distance for 8 months! And our relationship only grew stronger. I managed to find a job near him after that ..moved in together and then got married! Still very happy ^_^ I think I found my soul mate.

So...what I am trying to say is that fate has a way of making things work out somehow. Hopefully someday you'll look back and say "Man, I am glad that relationship did not work out or else I wouldn't have met this guy/girl" cos that's what happened to me

[Cheesevixen]

I know it may seem like it is complicated, but it's really not. She is a girl and you are a boy. You gave her attention, she liked it a lot, and wanted to keep that "wanted" feeling going. However, once something more real (i.e. guy packed with more attention for her) came along she instinctively wants to be around that. Even though the real thing is there....it obviously did not fully fulfill her needs of feeling wanted and accepted by the opposite sex yet. Therefore she bounced back to you, and it sounds like she is trying to stay in between both attention sources. She has some things to work out initially. The reason I know this is because most girls that like online dating would be satisfied with a guy who would cross 800 mi. of land to see them. My advice to you is to be her friend only if necessary, but don't give in to the sexual advances, or flirtatious banter. You will probably anger her by not saying "sweety" or giving in to her own advances, but this is only because she is afraid of losing her source of power over a man.Initially losing her comforting words that helps her feel like she is pretty.that is probably all you are to her ATM. If she truly loves you she will respect your decision to detach yourself. Simply going back and forth with her will only end in heartbreak. Especially if the real guy decides to give he more and more attention...which will happen if he is pursuing her is slowly.



Didn't realize it was already done with so quickly......oh well I still like my post

[Sean]

Mina, I would cut of all communications with her if I could, but since we play WoW together in the same guild, it's kinda hard. I also can't really just quit playing the game, since it's a pretty good chunk of my free time and passes the time nicely.

I wish I could make feelings stop. =\ The only part that aggravates me is how far she let it go before making it end, if it would've been nipped at the start I wouldn't have cared, before the feelings and interactions between us became serious. I even tried not to set myself up for this by making absolutely sure this was what I wanted, discussing it with her, and making absolutely sure it's what she wanted.

Obviously, she didn't afterall, but I digress...

Feelings suck. =\

Thanks for the input guys, I'm sure I'll get over it eventually.

[Angantyr]

Women and intelligent and deserve respect.... just kidding they can suck my ****.

Internet relationships are a waste of time...

I feel in love with somebody online once, she was absolutely gorgeous and we really got on well. I think she may have felt similar but we never really discussed it till she found somebody else. I doubt it would of worked living on the other side of the world but we really got on well. We're still friends in a way but we don't talk that much anymore.