Not trusting the trusted

[Cheesevixen]

Hey everyone ! Had a question for all you chicks out there, and even you guys if you can relate.

So everyone should know by now I am married with two kids. I am not a jealous person, but both me and my husband are very sick sexual beings. We just fit that way. My only stipulations on him were that he cannot put his penis or tongue into anyone, and he cannot hang out with my friend Taira ALONE (we can all hang out together though). He is not the only one with sex rules. I myself have an internet problem so my stipulations were that I could not give out my information, I cannot webcam, and I cannot send naked pictures to anyone. Fair enough. It's not because we think we can't trust one another, but we understand that we both are EXTREMELY sexual. So in order to still have a comfortable relationship while respecting one another we created these rules.

Now...the reason he is not allowed to hang out with my friend Taira is because he has had oral sex with her, and I have witnessed her get very close to cheating on more than one occasion. Needless to say I can't trust her. ALSO, when me and my husband began dating all he wanted to talk about was her; even dedicated her a song. Why was he not with her you ask !?!?! She is married to his best friend. So needless to say he has bred me to be very insecure around her. So all I have asked of him is to not be alone with her. He could have said NO, but he said YES. If he had said NO to me I would have had to accept it, but that's not the point.

Anyways, this Saturday we all went out. I was kind of stuck on the couch with the baby, and he was off chatting her up. I didn't mind that because Eric was there. So I tended to baby and continued having a good time when they finally decided to come to where I could be in the convo LOL. All was fine until my husband and Taira disappear outside. I didn't care so much that they were together. 15 minutes pass and I wonder where he is. He eventually come back inside. I waited until we left to ask him what he was thinking. I don't break my rules...why did he break his? He claims he forgot and that was that.

The next morning we were watching the Salem witch trials. I told him my familys name is in the documentary because I was related to one of the family's who start it. He told me I was related to a bunch of whores. I told him he didn't know WTF he was talking about, and he starts going off about last night. Saying I take shit and blow it out of proportion and I am immature. I tried to point out that we made this agreement for a reason. He got even angrier and tried to storm off. I told him to **** himself an packed to go to my moms. He saw my bags and calmed down.

Would you have been a little angry if your SO snuck off with someone else?
I am not jealous just FYI. He get to touch women if he wants, go to strip joint, I often join in when he gawks at women, and I get turned on more so when he watches others being intimate no matter how hot the girl....because usually I am looking at her too. So I am not jealous in any way. This was the only girl I have a problem with. Just ONE. Is it too much to ask that they not be alone out of respect for me?

[Pete]

This situation just looks like a train wreck waiting to happen, to be honest.

It's good that you guys have rules and boundaries set up, because those things need to exist in a relationship. However, you two are married, so one would ASSUME that all of those prior shenanigans would just quit. I can't really say one thing or another is right or wrong, since everybody is different and no two couples function in the same way. I am a little miffed that I never got in on the nude pics though

All kidding aside though, the main problem seems to be this other girl. If the chances of your husband doing something regrettable with her are that high, then maybe you guys should make it a point not to be around her. On one hand, he might just forget about her; possible, but not likely. Or, he could try even harder to hook up with her since she's "forbidden," and everyone wants something more when they're told they can't have it.

I'm also a little curious as to what happened between the girl and your husband. If you don't have any proof, then you can't totally say one way or another if something happened or not. If he came back, looking all disheveled, or if she's wiping jizz out of her eye, then you've got yourself a big problem. 15 minutes is a long time though, and the innocent don't usually go on the offensive. But from what you said, I'm getting the impression that he fessed up to it, which is still messed.

But to answer your questions, yes, I would be and have been furious when I've been cheated on. I don't mind if a girl I'm dating is hanging out with other people, but it bothers me a little if they've played a romantic role in each others lives. Just seems a little fishy. Long story short, my rule is if you cheat, you get the boot. End of story.

And you're totally right to be pissed off, and it's a pretty blatant show of disrespect. From what you said, he didn't even seem sorry that the incident happened. That's royally messed up. I really think that the reason why he wants this girl so much is two fold. She's pretty much forbidden territory. You said she was off limits, and shit, she's married to his best friend. That makes things so much more ****ed up. He didn't respect his wife OR his best friends. The other reason is that they've had a past. Monogamy can sometimes get boring, and if you've just had a kid, (I can't say this for certain) I'm pretty sure sex lives take a little break. He might not feel like he's getting any at home, and might be looking for the easiest, most available thing. Hell, I've hooked up with exes in the past during a dry spell... just never while I was dating a girl.

[GypsyElder]

Well, for me, obviously it would be the fact that he said he wouldn't and still did only because it's not like he was asked not to be alone with her for a silly reason like, when girls say they don't want their boyfriends talking to a cretin girl just because they don't like them, even though they've never spoken. You asked him for a pretty legitimate reason. No, I don't think it's too much to ask since you're keeping your end of the deal.

Don't you think it's kind of hard to have a friend that your husband has hooked up with? I just figure it would be a little hard to deal with or strange at times, but I guess that's what the whole deal was for in the first place.

Maybe, you should be telling her not to be around YOUR husband when your not around. If she's supposed to be your friend, that's the respectable thing to do, especially with knowing what happened. I wouldn't hang around one of my friends boyfriends or husband for that matter, alone if they told me not to.

[OceanEyes28]

No, it's not too much to ask. I was in sort of a similar situation about a year and a half ago. My ex never actually cheated on me, but he sure humiliated me. I'm not really the jealous type, and there were a lot of girls he was friends with and could go hang out alone with, because they weren't trifling heifers. But this one girl was always flirting with him, right in front of me, no shame, and talked badly about me to people I knew. Saying how much of a bitch I had to be, and how she'd be better for Dan, etc. And that was fine as long as he was still on my side. But he started blowing me off to hang out with her. It got to the point where people were asking me if anything was going on between the two of them. That was humiliating. And I got upset about it. But he'd defend her to me and put me in a really awkward position. That, combined with several other issues, eventually broke us up.

So... if this guy is smart, he'll tackle this situation with kid gloves and respect your boundaries with this ONE girl. You seem very understanding about things most girls would get uptight about (including me, for some of those ). It's not hard to not hang out with someone alone. And the whores line was way out of line, haha, wtf.

[Victoria]

Well, my take on the situation is that if you're both overly sexual people; instead of restricting yourselves and causing that tension that you seemed to have right now...

Why not just make the relationship open instead? Ever heard of swinging? Heh.

In my perspective, creating those rules did more hindering than helping of your situation. You claim to be a sex fiend and not to be a jealous person, yet you do not trust this certain girl. To me, that just means you're a bit jealous of her.

I mean, if you're both overly sexual, I don't really see the problem of the relationship being an open one. Me and my girlfriend are the same way, and we are in an open relationship. (Then again it's long distance, so there's a bit of a lee way there.)

Then again, my girlfriend and I talk about this stuff all the time, and apparently she would get off watching me with other people. I guess she's got a bit of voyeurism in her, heh.

Although I am aware that not everyone is into this sort of thing, and that is also fine. You may not be similar to my girlfriend and I, and if you prefer a closed relationship/monogamy, that's fine also.

If that is the case, I'm going to have to agree with Pete and Ally. If that is not the case, then take what I said into consideration.

[Cheesevixen]

I'm also a little curious as to what happened between the girl and your husband.

He says they just went out for a cigg. Sat out in the car and talked about her day for a minute. Pisses me off because I recently quit smoking, and he blatantly told me that he is mourning the loss of that connection we had once shared. Makes it harder to continue not smoking LOL. Any reason for one eh?

(I can't say this for certain) I'm pretty sure sex lives take a little break. He might not feel like he's getting any at home, and might be looking for the easiest, most available thing.

ha ha ha I am the most easiest most available thing in his life LOL. I married a prude XD. His sexual exploration is what makes him a sexual deviant in my eye's not his libido. :-P

Sorry just had to post and point that one out. I in no way have ever denied him. :-)

oh and mistress....yes I am jealous of her. That's the point LOL. I am jealous of no women....just her. I think it has a lot to do with him breaking a promise to me. More so than the women. That and like I said....I have been bred to think she is more important to him than me. Not directly, but in very obvious ways. I wish I were a red head with a big ass that smokes pot all day long, but I'm not. Never will be. :-P

oh and I suggested swinging, but he's not into that apparently.

[Maridia]

I think this whole thing can be dealt with. With personal responsability. If I had someone I couldn't trust with a friend or to be off doing something. Then I wouldn't be with her. I don't look at a relationship where people can get their jollies elsewhere as something like a long term relationship. And with kids as well it's bound to get very messy either now or within a few years.

People are for the most part gonna do what they love. If they like trying to get attention from other guys or girls great. But people seem to be fine in a set mold. If people knew themselves as well as they should then they shouldn't set things up for failure. The idea of living with a watchful eye is terrible cause sooner or later someone will be away, something slips and all that was worked for is gone. You have to set yourself in a situation or system where you can do well easily not where life could flip flop anyday. As much as the friend might be part of the problem he's the one chasing after. So if you don't like it make the change. Not that you're the one doing the cheating but you're seeing already how easily it can switch. Not acting will end in a defenite implosion for you and your family.

[ChloChloAriadne]

I think you need to sit down and have a real discussion about whether or not this is an open relationship. I don't know how long ago you made certain rules, but I've been in relationships like this and I think you need to sit down, have a really big in-depth conversation about it and decide how you want your relationship to work.

[Cheesevixen]

If I had someone I couldn't trust with a friend or to be off doing something. Then I wouldn't be with her.

The thread is called not trusting the trusted. I trust him. Otherwise we would not be married. He has never given me any reason to not trust him. Everyday for the past 1 1/2 years he has come home to me and helped me raise our kids. The distrust I have is from this particular situation, and a rooted insecurity due to having been cheated on before.

And with kids as well it's bound to get very messy either now or within a few years.

Our kids have nothing to do with this part of our marriage. He always always been there for me 100% both physically and emotionally. Like I said....if he were not an awesome person I would not have married him.

I think you need to sit down and have a real discussion about whether or not this is an open relationship. I don't know how long ago you made certain rules, but I've been in relationships like this and I think you need to sit down, have a really big in-depth conversation about it and decide how you want your relationship to work.

This took place yesterday, and the way he see's it I am being paranoid. This is my reasoning.

1. he says he only stayed out there after his cigarette because he didn't want to be a douche and leave her there to smoke by herself. As a someone who used to smoke I understand this.

2. he invited me along as he always has. If he wanted to be with her alone he would not have invited me. That day I had told him to go there; he could have easily just done that. Instead he told me to come along.

3. he has never cheated on me, or put himself in a situation that could have been compromising.

4. Even though he had mention preference to her in the beginning of our relationship..... it was purely because we were trying to get to know each other and he was being honest on the features he likes, but he also made mention to liking my ass and liking brunettes as well as red heads.

5. he slept with her before we got together over 2 years ago.

6. Eric is his best friend. He is only nice to her because of this. We do double date with them a lot, and is has always been fun.

7. He has never went out of his way to be alone with her. The only times they have been together has been when we both have been over there and they took smoke breaks. This was acceptable when we were dating. I changed the rules when we got married because it made me uncomfortable.

I agree with him that not much can be done in 10 minutes. Although, I was drunk, functioning on 4 hours of sleep, and was practically starving. I am just so jealous when it comes to her I can't help it. I need to get over it. He is my husband and I need to learn to trust him despite how many times I have been hurt. We are happy together, and I don't know why I am letting this bother me so. I am just so scared to lose him. Once you have something this good it is hard to not be over protective of it.

And no he does not want an open relationship. We are the best of friends and we love each other immensely.

[Maridia]

So I'm not totally sure how you feel now. You sound like you've flip flopped. You made it at first like he might have been trying to be sneaky. Which you even say she's willing to cheat, plus you're paranoid. Making every option possible. Now you push it as if you're the one who's overreacting...sooo I'm not sure the advice you want or need cause it's hard to gauge.

As for the kids, I'm saying if he does cheat you have to realize it's life changing for the family. When there's kids everything is amped up, so be careful about how you guys go about your worrying if someones getting their jollies. Once mistrust happens it's a shit show and kids will feel the impact first and hardest. As silly as it sounds, I'm not even a big fan of them, but if you have kids they do come before anything.

You said he really doesn't like her and only tolerates her cause of his friend. But if that's the case why did he go out with her to smoke when she could of had her boyfriend go out instead? Again I can't tell which way you'll feel next, but speaking from someone who's known nothing but people who cheat, both guys and girls they knew what they were doing. She was probably making little jokes and hints talking to him. Which if you're drunk or out of it, how could you tell? So sure why not, he'd sneak out and have a quick smoke with her flirt when you're drunk, sounds fun. If he actually didn't like being around her you'd tell right away from body language alone. He wouldn't talk to her much, never look her in the eyes, stay on the opposite side of the room and be friendly at best. For people I'm not happy to be around I don't go to chit chat outside with them just to be a good "host" So I don't buy you're husband doesn't even like her, and I also don't buy she wouldn't be shaking her ass trying to get his attention. Cause it's always nice to feel appreciated. Plus not that I know the exact age of you guys, I'll assume early to mid 20's. But your hormones are revving like mad, and with family responsibilities it's easy to justify a quick get away for yourself. "I do so much for the family, I'm entitled to this" That kinda thing...

And if all of it is nothing and it's all you over thinking, then you have to stop. Cause anyone who's innocent and keeps getting bothered about things they don't do get fed up quickly. And if you keep pushing something that didn't happen, it's more likely to cause them to do just that in anger or retaliation.

[Cheesevixen]

So I'm not totally sure how you feel now. You sound like you've flip flopped.

I am flip flopped lol. otherwise I would not be posting my fears and thoughts.

Which you even say she's willing to cheat.

we went out partying one night and she was letting men all over her, and even took numbers from men. So even though I don't know that she would cheat. How she behaves while married is wrong to me.

You said he really doesn't like her and only tolerates her cause of his friend. But if that's the case why did he go out with her to smoke when she could of had her boyfriend go out instead?

actually my husband went out for a smoke and she took it upon herself to follow him. Her own husband was super out of it.

And if all of it is nothing and it's all you over thinking, then you have to stop. Cause anyone who's innocent and keeps getting bothered about things they don't do get fed up quickly. And if you keep pushing something that didn't happen, it's more likely to cause them to do just that in anger or retaliation.

You're right. I don't trust her, and if my husband doesn't believe me about her I will just have to deal. I just think he is either enjoying a little attention or naive (which he is naive) or both. I will just have to let things play out and hope that when she does try to cross the line; that he`will do the right thing. I do trust him, and I don't want to punish him over my suspicion. Especially because I go out with the girls a lot and he has always trusted me. If he were doing something I don't think he would be so trusting of my ventures out in the RW.

[Che]

He might just be looking for a friend, or flattered that she might find him attractive.

It's obvious that your insecurity with her makes him feel uncomfortable, like he can't socialize with her. After your friends left, and you asked him "what were you thinking?" it might have come across too strong, and upset him, because you basically accused him of cheating on you in his eyes. Still, if he knew how important this was to you, he should be willing to work with you and explain to you that nothing happened and that he loves you.

He needs to understand just how important this is to you, and you need to let him know. Just sit down with him and tell him what you told us. Hopefully he'll understand and be willing to work with you on it.

Cigarettes can sometimes take 15 minutes, because when you smoke cigarettes you start talking, and you might decide to have another to keep the conversation going before going inside.

If he really is a great father and husband like you say he is, then he's not going to compromise his relationship. If he cheats on you with her, he's cheating on you and his best friend.

Just because this chick is a sloar doesn't mean you should second-guess your husband. I was cheated on by my ex for a year and a half while we dated. The entire time she was banging this other guy, and I found out one night and it changed me forever. I know how it feels to be cheated on. When I got with my current girlfriend, it took me a while to trust her, and she's very social, especially at parties. I would always think she's cheating on me, or might be flirting with someone while we are at separate places in the party. After four years, I know she hasn't cheated on me, and I feel safe with her talking to other people, even if I know they think she's attractive.

Jealousy is terrible, and can eat you alive. Try not to let it get to you. And talk with your husband about this. I hope everything works out.