This just happened

[Spooniest]

Really Cats have taught people to be quick since time immemorial

Cats, the source of all Kung Fu ^_^

"Fuckin' cats," as my dad is fond of saying whenever they SHIT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR

[che]

As to che's post: Yeah man. Guys sometimes grab, or put their arm around me, or start trying to hug me when I have given no indication that I want to be hugged and I definitely do not know them. This has happened with rich dudes (more often when I was a server), and it has happened with homeless (one guy where I work has been following me around, telling me I'm beautiful, and using a handshake to try to lean in to put his arms around me). Don't matter. Some guys are inappropriate. And while they aren't always directly threatening, it's still weird and kind of gross being touched or embraced from behind by someone I don't know. Also, nix was accurate about drunk guys being grabby, too. Sure sure, not all drunk guys. But some drunk guys.

That's so weird, but thank you for explaining that to me. Went out to eat tonight at this bar and grill place. You know, TVs with baseball on, cheap food with a couple bars. Glanced at the bar and this creepy looking dude had his hand around the bartender who had left to go get something and was on her way to back behind the bar to serve more drinks. And she was awkwardly laughing probably saying "hahahahaha please get the fuck off me". But let's be honest, if it was David Beckham doing that I'd still be like "man what a douche".

[Spooniest]

Men do not like to be told no, neither do any adults, but it is something adults must learn to do or be ostracized from a society of consented social activity

Alcohol has the effect of making a person forget their manners (and let's face it, higher cerebral reasoning in general), so yeah, the libidos of grabby mc busyhands guys are out there in clubs just copping feels and junk.

I myself am uncomfortable with physical contact with humans to the point where even though I've been with many women and have been married before, I don't consider myself very experienced when it comes to intimacy. I am not a very intimate person, I am something of a 'man of 1,000 poker faces,' so to speak.

...I really don't want you to know me, since I'm so shy, but I'm despondently lonely and crave human contact as well. I'm kind of being torn in two by it all my life, here. But the point is, I wouldn't grab someone just to get a thrill for myself, that is not what sex and lovemaking are for. They are for building and expressing intimacy with your lover, bonding with them.

...Yeah I know lots of guys don't like thinking about it this way and call it pansy ass, but honestly that is the truth, ask Dr. Alex Comfort.

[che]

Nice meme.

[OceanEyes28]

I really appreciate you wanting to better understand. I'm struggling with it a bit, myself, actually, because I'm disappointed in my recent reaction to being touched when I didn't want to be. I totally accommodated it, just gave a stiff smile and let this dude go in for a hug. I asked myself why I didn't tell him to please not touch me, and I think I've worked some of that out.

I was alone, and it was a man I didn't know. Risk/reward governed my actions a bit, because while a hug made me uncomfortable, I could put up with it. If I put up with it, it would be over, and there would be no confrontation. This guy was obviously already pushy, and I wasn't sure how he would react to being rebuffed. I just went with the option that seemed safer. I don't like that it happened, and I'm frankly embarrassed. I feel like I was intimidated into accepting physical contact that I did not want, whether or not that was his intention. He didn't ask first; he didn't care. So, yeah, that happens a lot. And it was probably what was happening with your bartender (plus she was at work, which is like a hostage situation because you don't want to get fired). Women can get beaten or murdered for rejecting the wrong guy, and while we know it's not likely, most of us are aware of it all the time.

[Spooniest]

Mentally preparing yourself for trauma constantly only redoubles your concentration upon the trauma or imagined future trauma.

I have a lot of trouble combining the two mental states of concentration and relaxation. The first, concentration, was extremely difficult to learn with two 70s weirdo rock musician parents trying to go straight raising 7 children sharply divided along the gender line and culturally mixed into a blistering tornado tossed salad. Also, my dad is of English and my mom of German ancestry, so my life was basically the French Resistance from day 1. Yeah, my concentration is flimsy at best most days, but that's why the music...etc.

Secondly, relaxation was not and remains uneasy for me, I was always reacting to some new disaster or noise or stimulus every single day. Quiet days just were not a thing in my house.

So...I've learned that if you do have a quiet, safe environment that you live in where you can go and heal your spiritual wounds, it's best that, when you do it, you don't dwell on the wounds themselves, or the imagining of future wounding. Don't 'over-prepare' as they say in the music business.

Let your reactions be your reactions and leave it at that, you might say. Honestly, the best thing you can do if you want to make yourself look imposing to a victimizer (let's say a mugger) is dress sharp* and stand up straight. Good posture and clean neat dress count for much when a victimizer chooses a victim...they'll assume a disciplined person will not take their crap.

Little trick I learned from my ex-dad-in-law, the 5th degree black belt.

*Notice I didn't say 'dress conservatively' because that's not what I mean. Sharp, clean clothes that fit. Be as sexual (within the law I guess) as you like, that's what free countries are for.

[che]

I really appreciate you wanting to better understand. I'm struggling with it a bit, myself, actually, because I'm disappointed in my recent reaction to being touched when I didn't want to be. I totally accommodated it, just gave a stiff smile and let this dude go in for a hug. I asked myself why I didn't tell him to please not touch me, and I think I've worked some of that out.

I was alone, and it was a man I didn't know. Risk/reward governed my actions a bit, because while a hug made me uncomfortable, I could put up with it. If I put up with it, it would be over, and there would be no confrontation. This guy was obviously already pushy, and I wasn't sure how he would react to being rebuffed. I just went with the option that seemed safer. I don't like that it happened, and I'm frankly embarrassed. I feel like I was intimidated into accepting physical contact that I did not want, whether or not that was his intention. He didn't ask first; he didn't care. So, yeah, that happens a lot. And it was probably what was happening with your bartender (plus she was at work, which is like a hostage situation because you don't want to get fired). Women can get beaten or murdered for rejecting the wrong guy, and while we know it's not likely, most of us are aware of it all the time.

It's interesting hearing your concerns because as a man I have no intention or ever had a thought of doing anything like that. At the same time, now I'm becoming aware that I'd be much more afraid of a drunk guy rather than a drunk girl. Honestly, I feel like you chose the right option in those cases, and I would have done the same. The only time I can relate is when being and drunk another man wanted to beat me up. It's my advantage that they somehow announce it through body language, or vocally usually when you really haven't done anything to them.

One time a guy tried really hard to get me to come "outside" by repeatedly saying "let's talk about it". I almost did. But I would have probably lost that fight, considering he was about 2x the size of me. I'm glad you are so aware of women and their issues, I do think there should be someone like you for men. Maybe even preventative, though I think this will always happen. There are bad people out there, and times are not ever right. People who feel like they need something now, the urges of being a human being, all of this stuff, it's too complex. Though I might agree the women are at a disadvantage, everyone should really look out for signs of these things and keep it safe.

[Rowan]

There's really nothing wrong with not wanting to be touched by another person at all.

[OceanEyes28]

Yeah, of course. I was more frustrated by my lack of boundary setting than my finding the rando hug unpalatable.

Also, che, I am glad you did not get into a fight with that punchy guy.

And thanks for the advice, Spoon. I'm glad you have something that works for you.

[Spooniest]

Yeah, of course. I was more frustrated by my lack of boundary setting than my finding the rando hug unpalatable.

[...]

And thanks for the advice, Spoon. I'm glad you have something that works for you.

That is how I approach the problem of traumatic dwelling yeah.

You chose to blame yourself for the incident as opposed to the attacker. I find that humble and noble. You could as easily have entertained notions of revenge and violence towards the attacker.

You are clearly a noble, calm, and upstanding person for putting up with such harsh treatment. The hand of man has provoked many a fellow and dame to the ultraviolence, as it were.

The fact that you doubt yourself or feel negative emotion about the experience suggests that you may need to examine your thinking regarding desires. Zen Buddhism says we should abandon human desire and seek ultimate enlightenment through the contemplation of nothingness (I am grossly oversimplifying but that is what I understand of it), but I myself am raised American where there are a million things you can have and a million things you can't have, and it's no fun facing that, but it's the truth.

You have to decide what your desires are, and go and try to get them. Don't bury your identity, but also don't visit it as a hindrance on others...balance is a thing...

Your words, however short and simple, have made me think all these things.

[Unknown Entity]

Once, a delivery guy handed me a box and the back of his hand touched my boob. I've never seen a guy so apologetic, I almost laughed out loud. I knew it was an accident, and said it was okay. His fault for making a lady carry boxes, and my fault for sticking it to that helpless chick stereotype and lifting boxes. Idk.

No one has ever touched me inappropriately without consent. Rolo, my dog did once I guess, when I was doing the dishes. Just jumped right up at me. Paws hit ass cheeks. I screamed so loud, I frightened him away. It was just shock, haha.

It's looks I get mostly that I don't like. I have a large ass. I carry my weight in my ass area. And people notice, even when they don't mean to. Everyone has looked at boobs in a low cut top before, and women know how easy it is to catch someone looking at their chest puppies. It's the same with my ass. I can literally feel people looking at it. My brother nearly jumped out of a car to punch someone when he caught them checking it out. The day I was proposed to, some guy yelled out what a fine ass I had to a busy street. My reaction was an awkward laugh and a "get me the fuck out of here" look to the then boyfriend. He was falling over himself drunk, but I didn't feel that was an excuse to be such a dickhead.

Then there was that time on Xbox One launch day. Sold one to a guy who worked down the road. I knew he liked me, just got the vibe from him. He had a stutter too, and it was hardly there with any of my colleagues, but couldn't get a word out when he was talking to me. Anyway, he bought the console and asked me to hold it for his mother to pick up because he didn't want to take it to work with him. When his mother came in, she asked me out for him, saying "That's a shame. You have good hips and could bear me healthy grandchildren" when I told her I was already taken. Uh. Thanks, but no thanks? His mum couldn't carry it away with her, so he came back after his shift to pick it up and said "I hope she didn't say anything to embarrass me!" "Uhm. She kinda did. But it's cool, she embarrassed me too." Never saw Mr Stutter again. XD

I'm very self conscious and have social anxiety really, and I blame my ass for all of it. If I could get an ass reduction tomorrow, I'd do it.

[Pete]

Every once in a while my gf gets hit on while we're out at a bar.

One time a guy put his arm around her while she ordered a drink. I was coming back from the bathroom, saw it, and then the look of panic on her face. I put my arm around the guy in a similar manner. He didn't appreciate it much.

It may have been a one armed headlock, and I may have told him to apologize to her, and had the bartender put our round ofm drinks on his tab. It helps when you know the bartender, who saw the whole thing unfold.

Every now and then I have to be paraded around the coffee shop she goes to every morning to get some of the overly friendly baristas to back off. I guess seeing is believing

[Spooniest]

Every once in a while my gf gets hit on while we're out at a bar.

One time a guy put his arm around her while she ordered a drink. I was coming back from the bathroom, saw it, and then the look of panic on her face. I put my arm around the guy in a similar manner. He didn't appreciate it much.

It may have been a one armed headlock, and I may have told him to apologize to her, and had the bartender put our round ofm drinks on his tab. It helps when you know the bartender, who saw the whole thing unfold.

Every now and then I have to be paraded around the coffee shop she goes to every morning to get some of the overly friendly baristas to back off. I guess seeing is believing

BaristOs. Os. Or...wait what are you saying Lol tmi

[che]

I put my arm around the guy in a similar manner. He didn't appreciate it much.

I'm gonna steal that, that's pretty good. Neat how you setup putting that on his tab, the arm thing would have been enough for me haha.

[Pete]

It helped that I had a few in me and am a regular enough patron where I know most of the bartenders