I need some advice...

[The Starman]

Yes, this really is my first post. I've been lurking here for a while now and had an intention of joining at some point, but just haven't gotten around to it. Well I seem to have found myself in a bit of a predicament as of late, so after getting some conflicting advice from my friends, I decided to ask this question anonymously on a few of the forums that I have been lurking at, perhaps I can receive a more objective response from people who don't know me or the girl I am referring to. I must warn you though, this is a bit of a long read, so I do apologize in advance for the length. Normally I would never go to the internet for advice, let alone dating advice, but I figured 'what the hell, I'll give it a shot,' so here goes.

To start off I'm 20 years old (and so is the girl I like) and I've had very little real experience with relationships. I did date a girl for about six months my junior year of high school, but I don't even consider that a real relationship, since I was an entirely different person back then and I didn't even really feel anything towards her. I'm very selective when it comes to relationships, both in terms of physical appearances and in terms of various personality traits and her intelligence level (which must be high). Some say that I'm "too picky," and perhaps they are right, since I've only really found two women to be truly attractive in the past few years (if not in my entire life).

In early April 2012 I got a new job at a Walmart store that at the time wasn't open yet. I helped set the store up, doing tasks such as unloading freight and stocking shelves. Well I eventually became friends with one of my co-workers, who we shall now refer to as Chris (not his real name). Well one day in early May, just a few days before the store was set to open, Chris introduced me to his best friend, a beautiful young woman who we shall now refer to as Claire (not her real name). I was almost immediately taken in by her beauty, and was extremely nervous, to the point where I hardly said two words the entire time the three of us sat and had lunch for about an hour.

Unfortunately I hadn't seen Claire since that day until about a week and a half later, and she said "hi" to me (and I said "hi" back) as we ran into each other at work. This happened a handful of times over the next few weeks. Eventually I told Chris that I had a crush on her, Chris and I hung out all the time at work at that point and were quickly becoming friends; he told me that I should probably just move on, because apparently Claire "just doesn't do relationships." I asked him what he meant by this, and he told me that he's been her best friend since 6th grade and she's never been in a relationship and has shot down every guy who has ever tried asking her out or made "moves" on her. She is also like me in the sense that she wants to wait until she meets the right person and fall in love with him (or in my case, her) before having sex. However, unlike me, she is a fairly hardcore Christian, whereas I am an agnostic atheist. When I say "hardcore Christian," I do not mean that she is a Christian fundamentalist or homophobic or anything like that, but she does take her faith seriously.

I listened to what Chris had to say, but I was not dissuaded in the least. I ran into Claire a few times in the break room since then, and we talked, we got to know each other somewhat. We have a lot in common, we're both pretty big geeks and we love Japanese culture, anime, reading, guns, video games, etc. We both have similar political views, as we are both conservatives, and we spoke about politics a few times, and we shared our disgust with how Obama and the Democrats are taking us down the same road as the socialists in the European Union. She even recommended me a book, which I haven't gotten around to checking out yet because ano

Well one day one of my co-workers, who shall now refer to as Leon (not his real name), was talking about the girls that he likes; he then proceeded to ask me if I "have the hots for" anyone at the moment. To which I responded by telling him about Claire, and I mentioned that she was really quiet all of the time. Leon then started talking about how "oh I could carry a conversation with her easily," since apparently he is a "stud" (right...), so I bet him $10 that he couldn't. A few hours later Leon approached me and said "I talked to her, she likes books" then he asked for the $10. I'm a fair and honest man, so I gave him the $10. I later learned that his "conversation" with her consisted of him sitting next to her for about 15 minutes and trying to talk to her while she was reading a book on break, and barely responded to him at all.

Leon, being the only 16 year old who works at our Walmart, then proceeded to brag to everyone about how he "won $10" by making a bet with me about talking to Claire. I needed to get on damage control quickly, for this rumor was spreading quickly. Leon and I were on break and so we went to find Claire, I was hoping that I could talk to her before she found out via a third party. When we found her, I asked her if she heard anything about a bet that Leon and I had had or anything like that, and said she did hear about a bet; she however did not hear that I liked her, so we didn't mention that. I swear she had the most puzzled look on her face, she probably thought we were making fun of her because she hardly ever talks and because she probably thought we're just two stupid football jocks who are picking on her. I said I was so sorry, and I meant every word of it, I didn't explain why we made the bet though. She was visible confused and embarrassed, so Leon and I left; I swear I felt like such an idiot, and I did make a stupid mistake, I don't know what I was thinking when I made that bet.

About two hours later, I was getting ready to go home and so I went in the break room and... OH MY GOD! She was there, sitting down at a table by herself. I sat next to her and I told her the truth, the whole truth. Perhaps I was a little to honest, since I didn't leave out things that a more savvy individual probably would have kept to himself. I told her about how ever since I laid eyes on her that I thought she was beautiful and how I've had a crush on her for the past month. I swear, her whole face just lit up when I said that, and she had a look on her face that read of surprise. I also explained that I was stupid for making the bet with Leon, and that I was sorry. I told her that I shouldn't have ever made that stupid bet with him, to which she responded "in the future you probably shouldn't do that." Things were great, I left her alone for a while and finished getting ready to go home after a nine hour shift of pushing carts in the summer heat. I really thought things were going to work out, we had a great heart-to-heart and I felt like I really turned things around.

And that lasted for about five minutes until I walked out of the door and ran into Leon. I told him about how I think things are going to work out between Claire and me after all and that I was so happy. About thirty seconds later Claire walked out the same door I did and ran into Leon and me. What happened next can only be described as the most anti-climatic event that has ever happened in my entire life. Leon walked in front of her and stopped her from going any further, he then started talking about me, telling her how I'm "such a great guy" and he literally begged her to go out with me. At that point I pretty much just turned to jelly and just slid down the wall I was leaning against on to the floor in a heap, thinking to myself "OH FU-------------." As Leon was begging her to go out with me, I was begging Leon to "stop" and to "leave her alone," but he wouldn't listen to my pleas. He literally asked her to go on a date with me about 30 times, and she said "let's try being friends first and see where that goes." But that wasn't the end of it, Leon then asked her to give me her number, and when she refused, he then asked for her to add me on Facebook (and add him too). After he asked her about five times, she finally wrote down her full name and gave him the paper, saying "fine, you can look me up, now I need to get back to work, so please step aside." He finally stepped aside and let her leave, during this time I was still sitting on the floor, my back to the wall, thinking "what the hell just happened?" I then had a few words with Leon, telling him that he shouldn't have done that and that she'll probably never talk to me again (even though I had nothing to do with Leon doing this, and even tried to stop him). Leon, seeing nothing wrong in what he had just did, replied with "dude I got you her Facebook, you should be thanking me, I got you the girl!" I just walked away at that point, words could not describe how I felt and I was still trying to process and collate everything that had just happened.

From that point on Claire thought I was a creep, despite me having nothing to do with Leon's crazed outburst. A few days after the incident, I approached Claire and tried to apologize, I felt so bad about what had happened; I told her that I had nothing to do with the way Leon was behaving, but I don't think she believed me. I have no doubt that in Leon's mind, he honestly thought he was helping and he had his heart in the right place; it took a couple of weeks, but I eventually forgave Leon. A few weeks after the incident, Chris, knowing that I was innocent in this, talked to Claire and he told me that Claire told him that she wants to give me a second chance and be friends, but that I should give her a little time. So that's what I did, I didn't even talk to her for about a month, then one day I tried asking her how she's been and I felt like she was just ignoring me, though there is a possibility that she just didn't hear me, since I was a few meters away at the time and we were both in the middle of doing our own separate tasks.

About a month after the day that Leon had his outburst, Leon had suggested that each of us cartpushers should write an autobiography about our lives and jobs here at Walmart, and we could publish it in a book. Needless to say, I was skeptical, but I went along with it since everyone else was and I thought it might help me better understand myself. So I wrote about everything that happened, for the first month that I worked for Walmart, including the day that I met Claire. I didn't say anything too weird or creepy, just that I had a crush on her and that I was extremely nervous around her. After that point, I decided to turn it into a zombie apocalypse story, and it was quite good. There were no other references to Claire in it at all, aside from one small paragraph where her and Chris worked together to survive the initial zombie outbreak and fought alongside Leon and myself.

In fact, there were no references to any romance between any of the characters. I eventually showed Chris and Leon it and they thought it was great, so I shared it around to a couple other people, and those people told their friends about it, and their friends told their friends about it, and their friends told their friends about it; so on and so forth. Well by the time Claire finally heard about it, the real story was completely distorted and apparently she thought that it was a romance story involving me and her. It's like that game "telephone," where the original message is passed on so many times that it loses parts of the truth each time it is passed down.

Chris, having read the actual story, talked to Claire about it and told her that there was nothing even close to that. He told her that the only reason her name (as well as the names of several other Walmart employees) was mention in it, was because it was supposed to be a story of what would happen if a zombie outbreak occurred while we were all working at Walmart. I didn't actually hear what Chris and Claire talked about, since I was in the next room; but when Chris came out he said that I should just "move on and forget about Claire." Chris is the closest person I have to a best friend, so I took his advice and tried moving on. I haven't spoken to Claire in about a month, but we still run into each other all of the time at work and I still really like her.

Well two days ago I was talking to a co-worker, a young woman in her mid-twenties who I cashier with frequently. One topic led to another and I mentioned Claire. She knew that I had a crush on her forever, and she was wondering why Claire didn't like me. Apparently I'm "cute" and a "great guy," or so my co-worker told me, and so I explained everything that had happened, and she said that I shouldn't give up so easily, and that I should keep pursuing her. I remained skeptical, but I said I would think about what she told me, and what she was saying made a lot of sense, but I still needed time to think about it.

Yesterday Leon and I were trying to find one of the head-honcho managers for about 20 minutes, so we asked our supervisor if she could ask for him over the radio, and she said she didn't have a radio at the time and that we should try asking Claire, because she has a radio on her. Well we walked over to Claire and I talked to her for the first time in like five weeks, and things weren't so awkward or bad, she helped us out and was very friendly. I am beginning to think that perhaps my co-worker was right in saying that I shouldn't just give up, and Claire seems to have forgiven me? All I want is another chance, even if just to be friends; I've learned from my mistakes and I feel confident that I can can turn things around. What do you guys think I should do?

[che]

Got about halfway down.

Listen, you are nothing but physically attracted to this girl. You may have common interests, but so do you and I. You don't know anything about her, and you're going about it completely wrong in how you're approaching girls you find yourself attracted to.

You're young, so this is pretty normal. But what you are doing is seeing the physical beauty of the girl and putting her on a pedestal. You are not in love with her, and she can sense that. Your friends/co-workers definitely aren't helping, but don't worry about them. I probably wouldn't tell them anything about her in the future.

Give her some space. Because right now you messed up the first impression. Stop writing stories or including her in anything you are doing -- UNLESS you are hanging out with her. At this point, you're stalking a celebrity in hollywood right now and the more she hears about you involving her in any discussion or literature is going to brand you as a creep.

What you should have done is asked if she wanted to hangout sometime -- NOT tell her randomly that you are infatuated with her beauty and that you've always had a crush on her and then have a heart to heart. It wasn't. It was her being surprised because you never showed interest in her at all before that, and her being polite about it.

To save this? Tell your 16 year old friend to settle the **** down. Don't involve Claire in any discussion or talk about her, because your friends obviously can't keep their mouths shut about any crushes you have. Be honest with your emotions (you are physically attracted to her and want to get to know her, and then maybe decide if you LIKE her from there). Don't mistake the jittery feeling she gives you for love at first sight. That's your 20 year old self getting ready to **** up your chances with this girl.

Focus on respecting her as a person, give it some time, and seriously. Chill the **** out. You can't "mess things up", because you haven't even hung out with her 1 on 1 yet. You don't even know if you really like her. So stop putting her as some celebrity icon status in your head. Treat her as you would a guy friend, until you can make an actual decision.

Also, this most likely will not be the last time this happens. So it's good you can learn from your mistakes.

[Victoria]

Well... that was a lot to read and most of it didn't need to be written in here. Coulda just cut a lot of the fat and gotten straight to the point.

What should you do? Do what your co-worker said. Plain and simple. Oh, and uh... don't include "Leon" in anything that you do in the future. =-=

Edit: Also what Che said, mostly. He hit the nail on the head better than I did. You don't like Claire at all. She's just hot, that's all.

[Halie]

First of all, hellooo, welcome to the forums

On topic, I think you should just try and be friends with her for now. Like che said, you're not certain of whether you like her yet, it's just infatuation/lust at the moment. But, you've obviously felt some sort of connection with this girl so I definitely think you should try to get to know her. You never know, you could end up becoming great friends and maybe end up in a relationship with her. Though I honestly wouldn't think about that yet, get to know her first.

I watched a video on youtube earlier about this couple who were engaged, and the woman said at first she wasn't attracted to her partner but he continued to pursue her until she eventually fell for him. Now I'm not saying be creepy about it, but don't give up. Try and be friends with her, life's too short.

[nix]

Or kidnap her and hold her against her will until she falls in love with you, works like a charm!

[The Starman]

Got about halfway down.

Listen, you are nothing but physically attracted to this girl. You may have common interests, but so do you and I. You don't know anything about her, and you're going about it completely wrong in how you're approaching girls you find yourself attracted to.

You're young, so this is pretty normal. But what you are doing is seeing the physical beauty of the girl and putting her on a pedestal. You are not in love with her, and she can sense that. Your friends/co-workers definitely aren't helping, but don't worry about them. I probably wouldn't tell them anything about her in the future.

Give her some space. Because right now you messed up the first impression. Stop writing stories or including her in anything you are doing -- UNLESS you are hanging out with her. At this point, you're stalking a celebrity in hollywood right now and the more she hears about you involving her in any discussion or literature is going to brand you as a creep.

What you should have done is asked if she wanted to hangout sometime -- NOT tell her randomly that you are infatuated with her beauty and that you've always had a crush on her and then have a heart to heart. It wasn't. It was her being surprised because you never showed interest in her at all before that, and her being polite about it.

To save this? Tell your 16 year old friend to settle the **** down. Don't involve Claire in any discussion or talk about her, because your friends obviously can't keep their mouths shut about any crushes you have. Be honest with your emotions (you are physically attracted to her and want to get to know her, and then maybe decide if you LIKE her from there). Don't mistake the jittery feeling she gives you for love at first sight. That's your 20 year old self getting ready to **** up your chances with this girl.

Focus on respecting her as a person, give it some time, and seriously. Chill the **** out. You can't "mess things up", because you haven't even hung out with her 1 on 1 yet. You don't even know if you really like her. So stop putting her as some celebrity icon status in your head. Treat her as you would a guy friend, until you can make an actual decision.

Also, this most likely will not be the last time this happens. So it's good you can learn from your mistakes.

You're right, I do need to go about this the wrong way, and I do need to get to know her better as a person and respect her as such. I really messed up the first impression, I don't think anyone is denying that, but perhaps there is a way to salvage this and turn it into a friendship. Thanks everyone for the advice.

[Victoria]

Well, the difference between this guy and kevin1gamer, is that this guy said straight up that he posted this shit in a few other places as well as this one. So yeah. >_>

Anyway... as far as I know, Infatuation = Lust. Or some form of it, because as already noted, you don't really know her at all as a person. So that's all it is.

[Hobaginator]

This is Starman's first post

He's 20. So is this chick he likes.

His friend Chris introduced him to Claire.

Claire is abstinent.

Starman and Claire have things in common.

Starman still hasn't asked her out. Some guy named Leon almost blew his cover.

Starman shared his feelings with Claire but didn't make his move.

Leon asked Claire out for Starman because he was being a lame.

Claire now thinks Starman is a creeper.

Starman wrote a zombie story.

Some people told Claire it was a romance about him and her.

Chris told Starman to move on. Probably because he has other guys talk to Claire for him.

Some chick told Starman to go for it anyways.

Starman doesn't know what to do.

Starman. You're 20. What the hell are you posting about this on TFF and talking to all these other people for? Maybe you should just actually talk to Claire and tell her that you want to take her out to dinner. That's it, plain and simple. Use the date to get to know her better, maybe she'll realize that you're not only a nice guy, but a strong guy with the willpower to go up to a girl he likes, look her in the eyes, and tell her the way things are.

You ever watch Star Trek? Remember Capn Kirk? Did he EVER go all over asking his friends what they think he should do when he's interested in a chick? Hell no. He knows what he wants, and he goes for it, CAPN of the Enterprise style. James Bond. You ever see him ask his friends about a girl? Or does he just walk up to her and charm the panties off her? You know the answer to that question. You know what you have to do. No amount of talking to people on the internet or talking to friends will give you the guts to go up to her and say it. That comes from inside of you. Worst that can happen is she says no (again), but at least this time it will be YOU asking her instead of some guy who's got nothing to do with the situation. Ask her, accept the answer, and live with it whether it's what you want or it isn't. You can't make somebody like you, and at least that way people might respect you for knowing what you want and not being afraid to ask for it.

I've said all I need to say.

-- Hobag out

[Order]

Ask her point blank if shed like to go to dinner with you.
If the answer is not an enthusiasctic yes, move on.

At your age, you dont need to waste time finding ms. Perfect because she aint out there yet because she hasnt made all of her mistakes yet. Just find one thats willing to date.

And dont put anyone on a pedistal becuase you will eventually find out they are human.

[Merlin]

The first rule of working at jobs like Wal*Mart is to not entrust your personal life with your co-workers. OK so you like this girl. Well that is between you and her. It's not Chris's business and it sure as shit isn't Leon's nosy-ass business. Leon pretty much shot your chances to hell with her. The best advice I can give is to stop talking to this guy all together. He's obviously a loser/creep and the fact that you continue to associate with him makes you one. You are what you hang out with.

[Rowan]

Claires impression of you is tainted by leon because of the multiple instances in what I would consider a short amount of time have resulted in. I think your biggest mistake is asking for advice. Some of the advice given here is jaded and will rot your thought process if you take it seriously. A lot of it though is sound and stuff you would have eventually figured out on your own.

Based on what you've told us, shes frigid. It would take a god to make it rain in that desert. I say put your efforts into someone else.

[Hobaginator]

Based on what you've told us, shes frigid. It would take a god to make it rain in that desert. I say put your efforts into someone else.

It's possible, but she may just be extremely shy and feminine. Probably waiting for "Mr. Right" with false hopes like many christians.

Just ask her dude.

Don't use too many words, just get to the point. See what she says, and how it goes. Based on your story I'd predict a 90% chance of some form of a "no". That's okay. Use it as a learning experience, let it forge your character and strength of will, and after she says no -- let it go. Talk to her only when you feel it nesseccary, and about casual things. Act like it never happened. Females are very quick to forget awkward situations, especially when it is in their favor if it never happened. That means that after you ask her, if she says no, it will almost always seem like nothing ever happened.

If she does say yes, keep in mind it may just be out of pity. If you take her on a date:
1. Treat her well. Your whole goal on a date is to ensure that she has the best time possible and enjoys herself. Even if the date was out of pity, you can do this if your mind is on her needs instead of yours.
2. Be polite. Don't be pushy or rude if things aren't going the way you'd hoped.
3. Know when to say good night. Read her body language. If she's obviously suffering (body bladed away from you, won't make eye contact, constantly checking the time, smiling or laughing nervously every time you speak to her and refusing to initiate any kind of conversation and/or spending long periods of time/making frequent trips to the ladies room) apologize for your lack of chemistry and offer her a ride home.

Thank her for her time and god help you if you make her pay for a date that YOU asked for.

Good luck, and take her "no" like a man.

[Pete]

This is too weird, but this is like the third thing I've greed with Merlin on. These people are working at WalMart for a reason. In general, they really can't be the most reliable people.

As for the girl, just let her go man. The more people that you tell about a girl you like, the more people will meddle in it, trying to either help or hurt your chances, especially the more often they all see and deal with each other. It's more likely that the cat will get out of the bag, and the girl will wonder why you just don't have the balls to approach her yourself.

Plus, she's either way too shy, or just cold and not receptive to you. Shit, maybe she's looking at it like she wouldn't date a coworker, or maybe she just doesn't want to date someone who works at WalMart. Hell, at 20, keep your options open, and don't get tunnel vision, ignoring everything else going on around you. You never know what can happen.

[Unknown Entity]

Firstly, wow, what a story. I think you mentioned too much, but I got the main gist of things. You've screwed up in light of this girl a good few times, and I think you should probably stop doing stupid shit that's landing you in situations were you can't even talk to her for months at a time.

Reading through the whole thing, I believe you actually like this girl. It's not a lust thing because she's "hot" or whatever. If it was, she'd be leading you on and you'd be dumb enough to be following her for a whole year. If you seriously like her, then I implore you, stop doing stupid shit like betting or writing stories about her. That's ****ing creepy and desperate. Oh, and stop "confiding" in everyone at work - if you trust Chris, then go for it, but keep Leon and everyone else out of it. Leon is a little kid who knows no better than playing kiss chase. You're causing gossip, and I Clair is this quiet/private/geek, I don't think she's appreciating the trouble you're causing.

If you want something to go further with her, then you have nothing to loose if you ask her out for dinner or to the movies. If she says no, she has every goddamn reason to say so, but she may yet still be interested. Or maybe, you know, try and be a FRIEND? Friends don't do what you've done to her.

[The Starman]

Thank you everyone for the advice, however I think I'm just going to move on and not talk to Claire anymore. Perhaps in the distant future her and I will be friends, but for now I'm just going to get on with my life. I can proudly say though, that I have learned a lot from this experience.