cry for help

[Rowan]

My fiance' ive been with for 6 years broke up with me. 2 days later admitted sucking another guys dick. She told me she made a mistake and wanted to get back, I said we can take things slow. things were going well and another 3 days later she tells me she still has feelings for this guy and that we hsould just end it... again. We are in the middle of building a house together, contractually obligated cant get out of it, but i dont give a shit. She seeing a psychologist for help about some issues with herself that just came out of nowhere. I dont know what to do, my entire life and plans are gone, but what hurts the most is that I still love her and I feel I know who she really is, and this isn't her.


People are supportive, but it doesnt help me. I'm an emotional guy and ive been thinking about what I could do. I've been thinking about the easiest way to kill myself, because everything ive ever loved has been taken away from me. Ive never felt this kind of depth before, this kind of low. Without getting into details, I know in my heart there is no hope and Ill never trust a person ever again.

you are like a family to me, ever since I joined this forum 6 years ago.

I need help

[nix]

Firstly, don't kill yourself, you're still young and can easily bounce back from this, it just might take time to recover/adapt.

Secondly her actions could be a result of not knowing how to break it off with you and blowing another guy and then pretending to have feelings for him was her way to put the writing on the stone. And now shes seeking help because she probably still really likes you and wants to remain friends. Or she got really depressed and acted out this way, in which case give her your support if you really want to give it another shot. Oh and you can trust other people again, just likely not her, unless you can tell she really means it and wants to give it another shot, in which case ignore the next paragraph until repeat occurrence

I myself would end it, as even if you did get back on track, she could pull this shit again and it will be worse. So what i would do is, go your separate ways. You may not want it but she likely does, so its best for the both of you with that, i know it sucks but you will recover and find someone better, it will take long for you to start feeling better from this emotional nuke. Keep things civil and maybe see if she wants to finish building the house and then sell it for a tidy profit.

Again my words may seem crazy but you will likely have to make these kind of decisions now, and these would be the, in my opinion, better actions and less harmful to you both. I dont mean following what im saying is the only and best way, but breath it in along with the other supportive words from friends and make what you think is the best decision, cause only what you think matters.

[Victoria]

I am pretty much going to throw my two cents in and agree with Nix on this. You're most likely younger than I am, so killing yourself will fix nothing. In time you will get better and stronger and learn from this, as well as find someone else. It will be difficult but we are here to listen if you need it.

[Heartless Angel]

Disclaimer: I'm a psychopath and normal people probably shouldn't take my advice. Ever.

Trust is something people often say that a psychopath lacks, but that's not necessarily true. I don't trust what people say as a general rule, but I always trust them to be unfailingly self serving. As long as you're not trusting people to do something that is beyond them, they seldom disappoint.

We often think, when people close to us do something terrible, that it isn't really them, that something is wrong, but I tend to think the opposite. We all wear masks in dealing with others. We're all two faced. We have a face we show to others, and one that we only see in the mirror. When people do something we never though them capable of, we've just caught them without their mask.

Truly caring for others beyond ourselves just isn't in our nature. Friendships, relationships, every instance of human cooperation is just a marriage of convenience. People cooperate only because it benefits them. I trust people to betray me whenever it becomes advantageous for them to do so. People are reliably unreliable. Never allow your happiness to be dependent upon another person, because at some point, most of them will let you down. Once you know and accept this, you can really enjoy other people, and still be prepared to accept betrayals when they happen without much pain.

I would move on, and never look back. When someone tries to burn a bridge, even if you manage to put out the flames, it's still likely too damaged to carry your weight. Never go back to someone once they've betrayed you. Even if they never do it again, you'll still spend your life expecting them to, seeing evidence, plots, and lies, where none exist, and it'll degrade the quality of that relationship to the point where you'd be better off without it.

[Taco-Calamitous]

First off, if you're suicidal, you need to tell someone out there with you, man. Tell your family and friends. Those people are supportive because they love you, and they will let you know how important you are to them if you let them know, and you will feel better. Trust me, I know from experience.

I will agree with Heartless on at least one account: it is a really bad idea to depend on someone else to make you happy. You have to be a whole person by yourself. Find things that you are interested in and invest yourself in them, a lot. I found music was a good outlet, as was writing and drawing. A way to express myself, and I dunno if you're into any of that, but yeah.

All of my hopes and plans were suddenly gone, too, and I was all by myself, thousands of miles away from the people who really cared about me. It's something that takes a long time to recover from, but I know that after a handful of months, I started to feel better. People told me that it was probably for the best that it happened before we got married, and now, watching my friend go through a divorce after a ten year marriage with two kids... yeah, it's probably for the best that it happened before we got married.

It will get better. Eventually. Keep in mind the people who are there for you the most; they are the truest of friends.

[Pete]

It will get better. It always gets better.

I hate to quote hippies, but John Lennon once said "It'll be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." I know that this is killing you inside right now, and that it feels like nothing will ever be right or okay again. I promise you it will be okay. Harming yourself is never an option, no matter how bad things seem. You're better than that and you owe yourself the best life you can give yourself.

I know you still love your girl and that the wounds of shock and betrayal are very fresh. She's obviously going through her own shit. I've been in your shoes. A girl that I once loved very much, and was even engaged to, cheated on me. I was devastated and didn't know how to act or react. I just knew that I felt betrayed and pissed.

I know my case isn't nearly as bad as what you're going through, but it honestly sounds like she's got some issues going on that might be out of your control. I don't know if she is afraid of commitment or the idea of being with one person for the rest of her life. I don't know her or her personality, but I can say that what she did isn't acceptable. Going out and doing something foolish isn't a way to make a statement. It just shows an immaturity on her part. I can't speak for her feelings, but no matter what, what she did wasn't acceptable.

As much as it hurts to hear, I would let her go for now. She's saying she doesn't want to be with you; there's no sense in trying to force her to stay. It'll only breed resentment and distrust on both ends. That's poison enough. The last thing that you need or want is to hold onto something or someone that doesn't want to be there. It isn't a fault of your own necessarily.

I can't tell you what to do, say or feel. Whatever choice you make is your own. We're all here for you, whether you need a shoulder to cry on or a kick in the ass if you need it. Just don't make any rash decisions. You're better than that.

[GypsyElder]

6 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, but don’t think about how long you’ve been with her; think about how much valuable time you still have to get over her and find someone better. I agree with Pete. Her actions were immature, and you deserve to find someone who actually wants to be with you for the long haul.

You are looking for a potential partner to spend the rest of your life with. Are those characteristics representative of what you really want? Don’t let her problems become yours. You’re a young, good looking, smart guy; I think you’re a lot smarter than someone who would off themselves over a female. In the end, it is her loss. You should go out and enjoy your life. Do the things you want to do, work to improve yourself, and someone worthy will come to you. You just have to overcome that small slump in between.

PS: <3

[Yoko]

Sometimes, people change, or finally start to show their true colours. It's tough to deal with and comprehend, but it happens. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but this too shall pass.

When you're thinking those thoughts, your mind is not in a clear state. It'll take some time, probably a lot of time, but you need to be patient with yourself and rationalize your thoughts. Talk to your family. Talk to a professional even, and tell them literally everything, even if you think you shouldn't. They are trained to deal with the hardships on a person's mind. It would take some time to find one that's right for you. Patience is key.

In the meanwhile, do whatever you can to keep yourself safe and calm. We're here for you.

[OceanEyes28]

That ****ing stinks. I'm sorry.

Also, I apologize for not responding yet to your PM about veggie meals; I've been swamped with grad school and wanted to give a proper answer. I guess now maybe I'm kinda glad I didn't pass along awesome recipes to a traitor?

See a counselor. You're going through some heavy shit, and having someone who will listen to you and guide you as you process these feelings is valuable. Let yourself grieve, and if you let yourself deal with it as it comes, it will eventually change into something more manageable.

But that's a while from now.

For now, it's okay to feel this. Just don't do anything to hurt yourself until you have some distance from this. Allow yourself the time it takes to find perspective.

I'm glad you're reaching out to people, and I'm glad you reached out to us.

[SuperSabin]

Rowan, I'm very sorry to hear this. I actually have gone through a similar situation, although I didn't know the opposite sex in person. As myself, who is a Christian, speaking from that perspective, what you experienced was who she was deep down and that is painful. I went through the same kind of process but in a different scenario, the person who I was once in a really great friendship with, we got to know each other, had much interest in one another, and things were really looking up, until one day she tells me she is feeling really sick and she thinks she is pregnant. I thought and felt the same way you did at that point, so like everyone is saying, it's best not to continue this relationship with her if she is interested in another guy, and it's also best not to trust her, from what you have described, she betrayed that trust and that would be something she would have to re-earn. Even though she did all this, I encourage you to forgive her, even if it seems like she doesn't deserve forgiveness. It is much better to end things peacefully than to hold a grudge against the offender which is really easy to do.

Will be praying for you man, focus on the things you do have and cherish them, life is very precious and the things we deal with day to day are temporary. I know this will take some time, but keep your head up, you're not alone, each and everyone has a personal story and have worked through the issues in their lives leading to this point.

[Spooniest]

I am very new here and I don't know you well Rowan. But I have attempted suicide before many times, and let me offer my perspective.

There is great, great pain and turmoil and frustration and loss within you; I will not make any claim to understand the anguish you experience. But consider this: you are simply performing an analysis of your current level of pain, and then comparing it with the level of pain you feel you are capable of tolerating, and the two sides of the scale do not match to you. You therefore seek to terminate the pain.

I will not shame you for feeling this way, and indeed, I would not have any kind of leg to stand on to do so, as I myself have come to the same equation multiple times. I have x amount of pain and y amount of coping mechanisms, and x > y.

Now that you understand this thought process, think about this. Human life and experience are more than simply mathematical equations that perform their functions and render an output. Whatever you want to call it, your mind, your soul, your spirit...it is a creation of the universe as much as any tree or rock. When you look at a tree, do you call its branches crooked? When you look at a rock, do you call its facets imperfect? A stream, do you call it out for its less than perfect reflection of your face?

No, of course you don't. Those things are natural, they just happened to be that way. But why do you look at yourself differently? Why do you call yourself out for your imperfections? You are a natural thing, and the imperfections are just part of your unique and special nature.

In addition, I don't know what you think of the idea of sacredness, but I believe all creations of nature are inherently sacred in some way. To inflict actual physical violence on yourself would be to hurt or destroy a sacred thing, in my opinion. Even inflicting the emotional pain you are subjecting yourself to upon yourself is a terrible thing for you to do, I believe. It is heartbreaking, in fact, to watch you do it.

You don't have to blame yourself, you don't have to blame anyone else, you don't have to blame, period. You may need to sit and take a few deep breaths and have a good cry by yourself once in a while, for a while. But I hope you find it within you to hold on to hope that things will one day change for the better.

[Unknown Entity]

Rowan, that really sucks. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I can only begin to imagine what you must be going through.

You need to speak to someone, seek help with your suicidal thoughts. We can only give so much advice, and a professonal can be there to check on you. It might be a good idea to tell a trusted friend or relative, or if you're up for it, to stay with one for a while. Just a familiar face around and someone to talk to when you need.

It's clear there's things she needs to work on too. She knows she ****ed up and can't work out how to come back from that. Time is going to play a factor here. Let her go for now. Work on yourself. Be patient, but prepare for any eventuality. It's going to hurt for a while, but you can come back from this. You're so young, but you're also smart. You know this isn't a reason to throw your life away over.

i really, really hope you're looking after yourself.

[Zargabaath]

My initial response echoes everybody else's - seek some professional help. They went to school to help people cope and become better for situations just like what happened to you. Six years is a long time, longer than anything I ever done and with building a house together that is some sticky situation. Don't let this fester, get help or speak to your consigliere - ya know close confident.

I dated a girl for 3 1/2 years, could've married her, she was wanting to but I broke it off with her. Not because I did not love her but for some other reasons. Then some things happened and we "mutually" cut off communication. It bore down on my as if I was Atlas - weight of the world on my shoulders. It may seem hard but I suggest go out, meet some new people. Try to find the silver lining - that she was not the one because of her actions. With you being a good person you are not wrong to want someone just as good.

Another big piece of advice: cut off all alcohol from your life during this time until you reach a stage that you truly know you are good. Don't become like me. As we all know it is a depressant and turning to it to deal with issues like life or work will not do you any good. Otherwise you'll become a hot mess. You may think one or two drinks won't hurt but it can cascade and then old demons will resurface. Do yourself a favor and stay away from it. If you don't drink then all the more power to you.