Being rich means having masculine sperm. Or a lot of money. Either of the two. By a lot of money, I mean like $600,000. It would just be ridiculous to have any more than that. Like that Oprah bitch that's on television. She has over a billion dollars. What does one person need with all those ducats? I know what I would do if I had a billion dollars. I would buy 25 million dildos.

I'm going to answer some questions now.

Do you think that being rich would change who you are in a good way or a bad way?

It would certainly ease some of my financial burdens and stress. That would be change in a good way.

If you somehow attained a large amount of money, would your friends expect something from you?

If they expect anything, they're not getting anything. I don't have that much money now, and I still loan people money without the expectation that it will ever be returned. As long as people don't ask for money, I offer.

Would you expect them to give you a little somethin' somethin' if they suddenly became incredibly wealthy?

No, but I won't feel guilty about having somebody else pay for dinner.

Whats the first thing you would do if you had such incredible wealth?

I'd buy 25 million dildos. Or quit my job.

Whats the first big item you would purchase?

A house.

How will you become rich, if you would at all?

Piracy on the open seas.