An entirely honest and in no way fabricated recounting of my first viewing of the Twilight movie with my gay best friend, Tolbin. I wrote this up on a whim one afternoon about a few months ago.

by the way, if someone can give me the lowdown on how to show images in a post, it'd greatly increase the comedic effect.

Warning: foul mother****ing language.

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The sky was dark, the stars poking through stormy clouds and shining down on the movie theater. My gay best friend had told me that there was no way he was going to this movie alone. I had no idea why, I go to movies myself all the time. It soon became apparent once I saw the line up. Having no previous knowledge of the forthcoming events, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. The pink and black t-shirts, makeup smeared across faces with a no doubt malevolent purpose. You cannot frighten your enemies in battle with this kind of war paint. It was meant for fear of all occasions. everyday fear, if you will. Truly, I was in hell.


Like this, but ****in' scarier, if you can imagine.

I glared at Tolbin accusingly, grabbing him by the anime adorned dress shirt. "Asshole, why'd you bring me here?! Trying to turn me into a wrist slitter?!" He pulled a water bottle from nowhere and splashed me, smacking my face. "Get a hold of yourself, man! I can't do this alone!" I furiously headbanged away the moisture, scaring away a few freakish high school girls. The Judas Priest coming from my iPod speakers probably helped as well. "What kind of movie is this!? These brats look like they belong at...uh...what do girls listen to anyway?...Jonas Brothers?...lets go with that, a Jonas Brothers concert."

http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/...1895195213.jpg
So close, and yet, so gay.

"It's uh...a Vampire movie." I looked over to the concession stand. A fifteen-year-old girl with eye shadow and a plastic tiara stared at me and bared sharp canines. "...What kind of Vampire movie?" "...alovestory." "What?" "...a love story." I turned around and ran for the god damned door. Tolbin must have foreseen this, as he leapt on to me, putting my arm behind my back as I hit the ground. "No way in living **** are you leaving me! You being here is the only way I'll be able to see this not looking like a twilight fan!" "**** do you mean!?" He applied less pressure on my arm. "If I came here myself, I'll look like one of these...things!" He pointed at some guy with skinny white jeans, a black t-shirt with random expressions on it , dyed black hair combed over an eye, and eye shadow.

http://malifeisrock.m.a.pic.centerblog.net/wkajgjo9.jpg
AGH! It's the writer for The Crow!

"...Alright, fine! But I can Riff as much as I want!" "Deal." Riffing is the art of making fun of a movie whilst watching it. It requires fast reflexes, and a razor sharp wit. My best with a movie was one riff every five minutes. Tolbin helped me up and I adjusted my fedora. "...This is gonna hurt, isn't it?" "As long as it's as good as the book, I don't care if it gouges my eyes out." I had to process that first part. "Book!? You mean these things actually read!?" I made a sweeping gesture to every girl in the lobby. "It confounded me as well. Let's just go sit down. Your turn for popcorn."

http://dnamazing.com/wp-content/uplo...workorange.jpg
Two freakin' hours of this later

I kicked open the door, my work boots covered in my vomited blood. I rushed to the bathroom, ready for another go. I ignored the bathroom stalls, no way was putting my face near a place where someone's ass was, even if the ass in question was Angela Gossow's. I fired a stream of blood into the sink, feeling only worse. "BLAAAARGH! GOD, THIS IS WORSE THAN THE ERAGON MOVIE!!!" One more burst and I was done. Stumbling out of the bathroom, I took a water bottle from my denim vest pocket and washed away the life liquid. After a few minutes, Tolbin came up and pulled me from the floor "Oh come on, I think you're being over dramatic." We walked towards the exit. "...I am going to ****ing die." "Yeah, I thought it could have been better. Seems like Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson woke up, looked in the mirror and said 'I'm not going to act today'."

http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/200...ureeves300.jpg
Also known as the Keanu Reeves Method

I took a swig of my water bottle. "TO SAY THE ****ING LEAST! That was one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life!" all went quiet. When the two of us turned around, eyes. They were a few feet away and they belonged to bodies, but that's all I saw. My feet instinctively took a step back. As did Tolbin's. He spoke quietly and deliberately. "We should go. Now." our slow steps eventually turned into a full-blown sprint as we ran out the door, sensing that they were picking up pace.

http://images.cheezburger.com/comple...702f97cbba.jpg
an accurate recreation

I suddenly felt the sting of pink fingernails digging into my shoulders. one of them was hanging on to my back, trying to bite my neck. "Shit! One's riding me!" Tolbin grabbed her by the leg, yet not passing up the chance "That's...what...she said!" he swung the girl into the nearest tree as we entered the park.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...al_Park_01.jpg
Oops. It was the rock. Forgot.

I pointed to the trees. We could lose them in there. Tolbin knew what I was thinking and we veered right. Tolbin yelled "Are they still following us?!" I turned my head, seeing only a legion of pissed off, nearly feral fangirls. some were on all fours, growling and screaming curse words. I somehow started running faster than I already was. "Yes, they are!" There were about 14 of them, inexperienced in combat, no doubt, but could still cause us trouble. We didn't want to lead them back to our houses, had to deal with them here. at the end of the treeline, me and Tolbin struck our stance.

http://bigstickcombat.files.wordpres...ee-posters.jpg
It gives me a plus fifteen in badassery

http://www.iphonebrand.com/iphone-wa...ing-stance.jpg
Don't how Tolbin pulled off this pose without an arm sword, but he did it.

The foes didn't stop, blinded by their fangirl rage. I swiftly jump kicked at one of them into a nearby fence and triple punched another in the same direction. They both slumped over, unconscious. at the same time, Tolbin gave a palm thrust to another girl's heart and backhanded her in the face, swinging her around and mowing down two other ones. Two feral ones came at us, one jumping off a tree, the other climbing it for some purpose. The first one landed on Tolbin, gnawing at his neck. "Kinky one, aren't you!?" He grabbed her head and gave a fierce head-butt, the mad girl falling to the ground. I performed a few wall jumps off a pair of trees and reached the other one. She lashed out with her pink claw-like fingernails and cut my vest. In an act of revenge, I grabbed her Team Jacob t-shirt and ripped the sleeve. she grabbed the torn fabric and started crying, like a child. "...wow...that's sad."

http://m.s11.pollpigeon.com/media/an...50x500_q85.jpg
Unfortunately, I now know that Tolbin has this shirt too.

I dropped down from the tree, to assist Tolbin and leave the sobbing girl to cry herself to sleep on the branch. I see that my gay best friend has already hung two more on tree branches by their Twilight hoodies. Four more left. I just so happened to land on one. make that three. Another feral one leaped from the shadows, but I quickly countered with a backflip kick, sending her into Tolbin's direction. He grabbed her by the purse and swung her into the final two. When all was done, there was naught but sobbing fangirls and torn t-shirts. We walked back home, no sunset was present.

http://chrisbromptonphotography.com/...2_cimg7100.jpg
"Walk off into the moonrise" doesn't have the same ring to it.

I brushed some glitter off my shoulder. "Well...that was interesting. Almost forgot about the movie." I felt some blood vomit prepare to fire, but I resisted. I continued. “Dude, please tell me that there’s no more of this shit.” “Don’t worry, the last book has Edward give Bella a c-section with his teeth.” I stood in place, my mind blown. “…I AM SO ****ING THERE.”

http://bookbuilder.cast.org/bookreso...sary_19801.jpg
The Look on my face, November 18, 2011.

Suffice to say, the look on my face was much less so 3 god damned hours later.
http://farm1.staticflickr.com/57/192...23d_z.jpg?zz=1