Govinda's Guide to Grammar, Punctuation and Other Stuff

[Govinda]

Dialogue - Guess What, It's Meant to Sound Like People Talking

Let's take a quick jaunt to The Pit. Two seconds.

Okay! Today we're looking at something about an anime called Naruto. We will be coming back to anime when we discuss purple prose, simply because it has far and away the highest number of 'fics' written about anything in the whole of The Pit, and therefore the highest concentration of crud. A lot of it is meant to be romantic, which is an added bonus on the crap-finding front.

Ohoho, I knew this would be good. My bits will be bold.

"What makes you think I was mainly talking about you?! You always think everything is about you!" said Naruto. "That's why I ended up with her and y-"

"Shut the hell up you stupid blond idiot!" said Kiba angrily as he got ready to pounce on Naruto. Insult of the century? I think not. Note here: for some bizarre reason, mince writers have an annoying habit of identifying people by their hair colour. 'The raven-haired hoe' and so on. When was the last time you referred to anyone by their hair colour in reality (gingers excepted)?

"Naruto-kun!" said Hinata as she got out of his grasp. "Why must you always do something like this to Kiba?" Is she meant to be talking in Engrish? She sounds likes she's just come out the back of freetranslation.com. You Are Not Microsoft Sam. Writing dialogue in formal tones can often come off sounding like an Engrish declaration if you don't watch.

"He started," answered Naruto. "He really does think that things are always about him, cuz honestly, I was mainly talking about Gaara," Cuz?

"Yeah, right" hissed Kiba sarcastically. "You know Gaara wouldn't go get into a real relationship. There are only whores after him, and he's too stubborn anyway! Obviously, you were talking about me!" Getting a teeny bit overexcited here. This has officially turned into a San Fran argument, if you catch my drift. I assume they are not meant to be sounding like teenage girls, yet they are.

Here's why:

Two boys are fighting about who is more ready for a relationship. When was the last time you heard teenage boys fighting about this particular subject?

Also, they're fighting like bitches.

"That's enough," ordered Gaara in that deep voice of his.

So we see that while reality might suck most of the time for most of the people, we need the chats found within reality to base our dialogue upon. Let's talk humanising.

'Oh no, I can't find my boot. Where do you think I left it?' said Jane.

'I don't know, Jane. Perhaps in the cupboard under the stairs?' replied Jack
.

Will now put it through Humaniser. Like a blender, but better. Spot the difference.

'Oh sugarlumps, I've lost my stupid boot. D'you have any idea where it is, Jack?' asked Jane.

'I'm not sure,' replied Jack. 'Did you try the cupboard under the stairs yet?'

One tip oft cited by How To Write books is to draw heavily on who and what you know, since that will naturally be the most plausible and recognisable thing to read. This even applies if you're writing SciFi. While your planets and monsters and stuff might be crazy and on some serious shit, what about your character's personalities?

We learn an awful lot about your characters through dialogue. Inner monologue is neat, but not if overused. Your reader wants to meet this person, to find out what they are like, to hear their voice. Are they funny? Think of a funny person you know and imagine them speaking. It only has to be a little bit. Every person on this earth is composed of about a million little quirks and traits, and a few outstanding ones (the purpose of your novel may even be to highlight these biggies). If you know this person, you'll know how they talk. Their words don't have to be ground in reality, but it helps them to sound human.

Imagine you and your character meet for the first time, through friends or something, and start chatting. How does the conversation begin? How would you go about asking this person about their life, what questions would they baulk at? Play with it. Flesh out your character by imagining what their chat would be like in a variety of situations and settings. Not only does it stop Microsoft Sam Syndrome, it also helps you with characterisation.

The best dialogue I've ever seen was written by Douglas Coupland in Girlfriend In A Coma. The dialogue was quick, stylistic, realistic - the characters grow older as the book progresses, and their chat changes accordingly. Coupland's dialogue really does have the speed and spontenaety (I have never been able to spell that word, not about to start now, sorry) of REAL CONVERSATION carried by genuine people. And whether you are writing a chat between people, hamsters, dragons, supermarket staff or whatever, that is what you want. Let us know your character.

If your character actually is Microsoft Sam you can discard this entire post. And then start writing something new.

How To

Let's assume for a second that you're not writing a courtroom scene or the enuciation of a government declaration, okay?

Try to keep it snappy, and real. Especially if you're writing a tense scene. Most people are lazy and unwilling to draw out a conversation if they've just met at a bus stop.

Let's see.

Jane was standing at a bus stop in the rain, looking out across the street. The water was pooling around her feet, and she was watching it when suddently she heard a voice behind her.

'Jane! Could it really be you?' Jane instantly recognised the voice of her old school friend, Jack.

'Oh Jack!' she said, turning around to hug him, 'It's been so long since we met. How are you?'

'I'm just fine, thanks. How about you?'

'Well I've been better. Today I'm going to a job interview and I hope it can help turn my life around.'

'I'm sad to hear that,' Jack said. 'I had had high hopes for you back in school, and so did the teachers.'

Humaniser Blender:

Jane was standing at a bus stop in the rain, looking out across the street. The water was pooling around her feet, and she was watching it when suddently she heard a voice behind her.

'Jane! Jane? Is that really you?' Jane instantly recognised the voice of her old school friend, Jack.

'Jack?!' she said, turning around to hug him, 'God, it's been years! How are you?'

'I'm alright, you know. Easy come easy go, same as always. You?'

'Well, to be honest, things haven't been that great since school. But I've got a big interview today, I'm pretty nervous, I need this one to work out.'

'You don't need to be nervous! I remember you in school, always top of the class,' Jack said. 'Everyone always said that it'd be you that made it.'

The main difference there is the volume of information.

Don't be scared to abbreviate. People, in reality, are often lazy, so they cut things down. If something is playing on someone's mind, they'll talk about it more, looking for opinion.

Say it to yourself. If you sound like a twat, it'll read like it's being said like a twat.

Happy writings. Time for pilates. Pilates are important, but less so than lunch and naps.