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Thread: Untitled

  1. #1
    Can I be forgiven for what I am now Untitled xXCloudXx's Avatar
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    Untitled

    No Regrets-No Clothes

    He's always ran- refused to stop

    She took his hand- invaded his thoughts

    He fought it hard- couldn't win

    Goes to sleep- to see her again

    She holds him close- her body warm

    He felt so safe- no longer torn

    In all the hard times- He went thru

    He still happy- thanks to you

    Feeling your touch- loving it all

    He knows that he- is starting to fall

    Doesn't care- kisses your lips

    Feels the warmth- of your finger-tips

    She says the words- I love you

    Surprisingly- He feels it too

    They stay up late- talk all night

    The love they share- feels too right

    Smiles lightly- kisses her nose

    Under the blanket- no regrets-no clothes

    they know what they feel- their love is no lie

    He tells her he loves her- she closes her eyes

    The morning after- as he wakes

    He turns her head to see her face

    Her eyes, they open- discovers his stare

    He whispers...

    "it wasn't a dream?"

    "I've always been here!"

    Copyright ©2009 Dustin L Chesser


    SPOILER!!:
    My TFF Family

    My Jenova-cell infused, awesome brother,Armageddon


    My Super Smarticles sister Insufficient Mage

    My Magic loving, big eyed brother ViviMasterMage

    My black souled, Evil doing brother SephirothII

    SPOILER!!:

  2. #2
    The Lost Writer Untitled Psiko's Avatar
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    Before I break into the constructive criticism, I'll begin with the positive. I really enjoyed the poem and could feel the emotion portrayed through your words. It is a fine example of the great poetry we've had shared on here by many members.

    HOWEVER

    I have a few minor details to pick over. Let us start with the one that stares me right in the face: your format. I get the purpose for the hyphens in the middle of every line. It is a poetic technique, but you are not doing it right. You put it in there for a break in meter, but I feel that took away from the overall flow. I'll rewrite a few lines in a couple of ways and try reading them aloud with the punctuation given and see which one is best for the poem.

    He's always ran- refused to stop

    She took his hand- invaded his thoughts

    He fought it hard- couldn't win

    Goes to sleep- to see her again


    He'd always ran, refused to stop;

    She took his hand, invaded his thoughts.

    He fought it hard, couldn't win,

    Goes to sleep to see her again.


    He'd always ran,

    Refused to stop,

    She took his hand,

    Invaded his thoughts.

    He fought it hard--

    Couldn't win,

    Goes to sleep

    To see her again.


    Note how I changed "he's" to "he'd". You had a tense conflict in the first line. He has always ran versus He had always ran. Also in Line 8 you have He still happy- thanks to you which is missing any form of a verb to imply action. You should have He is or He's in there.

    I am sure there are more, but those two jumped out at me on my first read through. Minor things, but I feel it would benefit the poem to make those alterations.
    OLD SKOOL - A positive appellation referring to when things weren't flashy but empty of substance, were done by hard work, didn't pander to the lowest common denominator, and required real skill. Labour-saving devices, shortcuts that reduce quality and quitting before the task is done are not characteristics of "old skool."

    In reference to computer games, refers to a game that had substantial playability without flashy graphics or eye candy. Old skool gamers appreciate difficult maneuvers, careful planning, and scorched earth policies.

    In reference to role-playing games, old skool refers to games that tested players' wits, could kill off careless characters, and required dedication and inner strength to play. Old skool games didn't pander to the ideas that everyone is created equal, that all options are open to all races, that the markets were somehow free, and that a quasi-medieval society could have near 100% literacy.

    See also classic.


    Representing the Old Skool ways since 1984.

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