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Thread: my new story

  1. #1
    inferedmonkey
    Guest

    Post my new story

    this is a story i'v made. im trying to keep it going but there was a huge mess up in chapter 4 5 and 6 and i dont fill like fixing it. i might though so expect a new chapter soonish please comment on anything you find strange or incorrect or if you like it or not. if you dont like it please say why thanks.

    Chapter one
    James
    On a dark and cold winter night there were knights who had thought
    they
    had conquered evil forever. A howling wind passed by a young boy who
    was
    on patrol. The boy was no older than 16 with black hair and blue eyes,

    he was James the son of noble John the smither. At this time, James was
    a
    knight; he was a low ranked knight, the lowest actually. But the King
    saw he had much promise. The King and James* father had been good
    friends as children. So it saddened him to see that James was having
    trouble with his duties as a knight.

    James got no respect and the other knights gave him tasks such as
    cleaning
    their clothing or washing plates and silverware and things of that
    nature.
    So the King was sad, for he could do nothing to help. James on the
    other hand
    was very joyful because he did not have to fight or train so he did the
    grunt work
    continuously. As there was no evil, the knights stopped training as
    much
    and after a time became out of shape and unfit. Since James was doing
    all the physical labor, he became stronger.

    The king became aware of this so he gave James an assignment to take
    patrol because even though they thought they had defied evil they
    still
    watched out for signs. You know, just in case. James was frightened by
    the dark.
    Not the bravest of boys, he would continue to watch the street. He
    could not have
    guessed what would soon happen -- a man ran by him showing great
    interest in getting far away from something. James stopped the man and
    asked "What are you running
    from?* Well instead of replying, the man ran -- or tried to run. But
    he
    could not escape James*s grip. Even though James was the weakest one
    of the knights, he was still very strong but he did not like to show
    it.
    James asked once more in a much more commanding voice "What are you
    running from?"

    The man struggled to break free but couldn*t. And a final time James
    asked in the most threatening tone he could find in him "What are you
    running from?" The man, now very frightened, finally whispered an
    answer. As if it was his last breath, he said "It!" as he
    pointed down the old and broken gravel road to what was empty as far
    as
    James could see. But as he looked more carefully, he saw a... well he
    didn*t know what it was!

    It looked almost human but had some quality to it that made him know
    it
    wasn*t. James could see pure evil in its eyes that were dark brown
    --
    almost black and had no life in them. It was as if it had once been
    human but now it had been transformed. The man looked at James and
    said
    said "Run!" James let the man go but he could not stand on his own.
    The
    thing was approaching quickly so James had no choice but leave the man
    there. For even though James was not brave, he felt a need inside
    himself to kill like it was the human thing to do. It was as if he had
    to it was an urge to stop this... this... this evil.

    It felt like all humanity needed it to die; as if James loathed this
    thing. He knew he had to kill it! So he removed his sword from its
    case
    and charged the beast. As he became closer it seemed that it was
    dressed
    in all black clothing and it had clothes that were very strange torn
    clothing just pieces covering its entire body. Other than the eyes it
    also had a strange sword -- it seemed to be a strange metal gray and
    silver and dark. But it was very clean and sharp. The sword was the
    same
    size at the base and tip but it curved in and then out again in the
    center. As it grew closer, James became more aware of what he was
    running towards. Soon it had reached him. It did not stop. It went
    though him simply though him, not slowing or stopping. James never
    even
    flinched. But he grew cold remembering very bad things -- the worst
    things he knew, like the death of his mother. The thing had paralyzed
    him. James was standing there motionless, seeing flash backs.

    James snapped out of this just in time to see the man die by the
    things
    claws. Now he knew what it was. It was evil and that is all it was.
    James started to cry for he had gone through quite an ordeal that
    night.
    After he stopped crying he stood there thoughtless expect for the
    fresh
    stain of the memory he had blocked out three years ago.

    Chapter 2
    James had a brother named Chris. They were very close, the closest two
    brothers could be. They were inseparable. As Chris sat there, in front
    of his sick brother, he remembered the old memories they had shared. Two
    stuck out in his mind. First, the day Chris and his brother took a day
    for themselves. It was a hot summer day and work had to be done like
    feeding the horses cleaning washing cloths and stable duty. *All this
    work will take forever." was James*s attitude. Soon, he talked his
    brother into going to their secret meadow in the mountain. There were
    grass and sunflowers larger than a bear. They laid a top the hill with
    the biggest tree and looked out into what they saw as an endless
    paradise. James showed Chris the beauty of the grass waving back and
    forth in the wind, gleaming with sunlight. They watched the birds flock
    to the flowers. Only thirty feet behind them was a grand waterfall
    ending in a very deep pond. The brothers fell silent and admired the
    beauty of nature. Chris loved his brother for finding how to express
    this beauty in his own simple words. It felt like they were in a world
    were all things were a masterpiece, each as valued as gold. That was the
    first memory that came to Chris*s mind.
    His second memory was dark. It was of the day his mother died. She had
    been ill for three years before her death. He hated to remember her
    pain. Although he had been unable to move, she could still talk. His
    mother was a great woman never slowed by age or sleep. She would do all
    you needed as long as you asked nicely. She died at the age of forty
    five, a young age to die. She looked at James and Chris with tears in
    her blue eyes. With a horse voice, she asked them to come closer. With
    her last words, she told them "Don*t be sad for me sons. I have done
    what I was put here for, to raise you two the best I could. I am ready
    to pass on. In a voice now barely a whisper, she said *Just know one
    thing.* I love you.* She then died.

    Chris was crying. James turned him around and hugged him tightly. He
    whispered things like *its okay. It*s all right and she loved
    you.* That night no one slept as they cried for their mother. That
    memory now taking place of the other, he looked down at James and took
    an oath "I will find the person responsible for this and I will kill
    them all. I swear it.

    Chapter 3
    Later that very day, that monster came back and this time there were
    many of them. When they were spotted by the front gate, many archers
    were summoned and all the knights ran to the door, ready in case the
    monsters got in. Hundreds of archers readied their bows. The leader
    yelled so all could hear *Ready, take aim and fire.* As they fired,
    arrows fell to the ground. Some went through the monsters. Others stuck
    in the monsters but none were killed. The evil beings took down the
    door with ease and over ran the castle, killing every knight that they
    could see.

    Chris*s family soon caught wind of this crisis. Chris*s father
    hurried to pack only the essentials and told Chris to prepare the mat to
    carry James. Chris and his father grabbed the mattress, lifted James and
    carried him to the door. Chris was angry. He knew that this would be his
    only chance to get revenge. He said *Father I can*t let this happen.
    I must kill them. Chris ran out the door with his sword, leaving his
    father speechless.

  2. #2
    Sentinel DragonHeart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Gran Pulse
    Age
    37
    Posts
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    Blog Entries
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    The formatting is all messed up. Copy + pasting directly from your word processor doesn't always work like it should. Until you can fix it, your story is essentially unreadable, especially in the beginning.

    ~DragonHeart~
    Family: Psiko, Mistress Sheena, Djinn

  3. #3
    inferedmonkey
    Guest
    o sorry i didnt look at it.

  4. #4
    Sentinel DragonHeart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Location
    Gran Pulse
    Age
    37
    Posts
    3,724
    Blog Entries
    64
    Well, I had a bit of time this morning so I went through and fixed most/all of the formatting. Please check it yourself next time by using the "Preview Post" button, it will show you what the post will look like before submission.

    From the looks of it you've been hitting enter instead of letting the text wrap around to the next line on its own. I don't know what word processing program you use but unless told otherwise most of them will do this for you automatically. If you return on every line like a typewriter, when you copy and paste it over to the forum reply box that's what really screws with the formatting. That's also why it took me over 30 minutes to fix it, because every single line had to be formatted. I won't do it a second time.

    Quote Originally Posted by inferedmoneky
    Chapter One

    James

    On a dark and cold winter night there were knights who had thought they had conquered evil forever. A howling wind passed by a young boy who was on patrol. The boy was no older than 16 with black hair and blue eyes, he was James the son of noble John the smither. At this time, James was a knight; he was a low ranked knight, the lowest actually. But the King saw he had much promise. The King and James* father had been good friends as children. So it saddened him to see that James was having trouble with his duties as a knight.

    James got no respect and the other knights gave him tasks such as cleaning their clothing or washing plates and silverware and things of that nature. So the King was sad, for he could do nothing to help. James on the other hand was very joyful because he did not have to fight or train so he did the grunt work continuously. As there was no evil, the knights stopped training as much and after a time became out of shape and unfit. Since James was doing all the physical labor, he became stronger.

    The king became aware of this so he gave James an assignment to take patrol because even though they thought they had defied evil they still watched out for signs. You know, just in case. James was frightened by the dark. Not the bravest of boys, he would continue to watch the street. He could not have guessed what would soon happen -- a man ran by him showing great interest in getting far away from something. James stopped the man and asked "What are you running from?* Well instead of replying, the man ran -- or tried to run. But he could not escape James*s grip. Even though James was the weakest one of the knights, he was still very strong but he did not like to show it. James asked once more in a much more commanding voice "What are you running from?"

    The man struggled to break free but couldn*t. And a final time James asked in the most threatening tone he could find in him "What are you running from?" The man, now very frightened, finally whispered an answer. As if it was his last breath, he said "It!" as he pointed down the old and broken gravel road to what was empty as far as James could see. But as he looked more carefully, he saw a... well he didn*t know what it was!

    It looked almost human but had some quality to it that made him know it wasn*t. James could see pure evil in its eyes that were dark brown--almost black and had no life in them. It was as if it had once been human but now it had been transformed. The man looked at James and said said "Run!" James let the man go but he could not stand on his own. The thing was approaching quickly so James had no choice but leave the man there. For even though James was not brave, he felt a need inside himself to kill like it was the human thing to do. It was as if he had to it was an urge to stop this... this... this evil.

    It felt like all humanity needed it to die; as if James loathed this thing. He knew he had to kill it! So he removed his sword from its case and charged the beast. As he became closer it seemed that it was dressed in all black clothing and it had clothes that were very strange torn clothing just pieces covering its entire body. Other than the eyes it also had a strange sword -- it seemed to be a strange metal gray and silver and dark. But it was very clean and sharp. The sword was the same size at the base and tip but it curved in and then out again in the center. As it grew closer, James became more aware of what he was running towards. Soon it had reached him. It did not stop. It went though him simply though him, not slowing or stopping. James never even flinched. But he grew cold remembering very bad things -- the worst things he knew, like the death of his mother. The thing had paralyzed him. James was standing there motionless, seeing flash backs.

    James snapped out of this just in time to see the man die by the things claws. Now he knew what it was. It was evil and that is all it was. James started to cry for he had gone through quite an ordeal that night. After he stopped crying he stood there thoughtless expect for the fresh stain of the memory he had blocked out three years ago.

    Chapter 2

    James had a brother named Chris. They were very close, the closest two brothers could be. They were inseparable. As Chris sat there, in front of his sick brother, he remembered the old memories they had shared. Two stuck out in his mind. First, the day Chris and his brother took a day for themselves. It was a hot summer day and work had to be done like feeding the horses cleaning washing cloths and stable duty. *All this work will take forever." was James*s attitude. Soon, he talked his brother into going to their secret meadow in the mountain. There were grass and sunflowers larger than a bear. They laid a top the hill with the biggest tree and looked out into what they saw as an endless paradise. James showed Chris the beauty of the grass waving back and forth in the wind, gleaming with sunlight. They watched the birds flock to the flowers. Only thirty feet behind them was a grand waterfall ending in a very deep pond. The brothers fell silent and admired the beauty of nature. Chris loved his brother for finding how to express this beauty in his own simple words. It felt like they were in a world were all things were a masterpiece, each as valued as gold. That was the first memory that came to Chris*s mind. His second memory was dark. It was of the day his mother died. She had been ill for three years before her death. He hated to remember her pain. Although he had been unable to move, she could still talk. His mother was a great woman never slowed by age or sleep. She would do all you needed as long as you asked nicely. She died at the age of forty five, a young age to die. She looked at James and Chris with tears in her blue eyes. With a horse voice, she asked them to come closer. With her last words, she told them "Don*t be sad for me sons. I have done what I was put here for, to raise you two the best I could. I am ready to pass on. In a voice now barely a whisper, she said *Just know one thing.* I love you.* She then died.

    Chris was crying. James turned him around and hugged him tightly. He whispered things like *its okay. It*s all right and she loved you.* That night no one slept as they cried for their mother. That memory now taking place of the other, he looked down at James and took an oath "I will find the person responsible for this and I will kill them all. I swear it.

    Chapter 3

    Later that very day, that monster came back and this time there were many of them. When they were spotted by the front gate, many archers were summoned and all the knights ran to the door, ready in case the monsters got in. Hundreds of archers readied their bows. The leader yelled so all could hear *Ready, take aim and fire.* As they fired, arrows fell to the ground. Some went through the monsters. Others stuck in the monsters but none were killed. The evil beings took down the door with ease and over ran the castle, killing every knight that they could see.

    Chris*s family soon caught wind of this crisis. Chris*s father hurried to pack only the essentials and told Chris to prepare the mat to carry James. Chris and his father grabbed the mattress, lifted James and carried him to the door. Chris was angry. He knew that this would be his only chance to get revenge. He said *Father I can*t let this happen. I must kill them. Chris ran out the door with his sword, leaving his father speechless.
    Is this a first draft? It reads like one. I won't comment on the story itself, but I noticed you have a couple of major mechanical problems with your writing.

    The first is your use of asterisks (the *). You're using them in place of apostrophes and quotation marks. (' and ", respectively.) I don't know if that is a stylistic choice or not but it doesn't work for me.

    Also, paragraph breaks. New idea, new paragraph. You have several large walls of text that can be broken into two or more paragraphs. Whenever someone is speaking, that is also a new paragraph.

    I noticed several instances where you use the wrong word, too. Expect for except, horse for hoarse, for example. Using the wrong word changes the entire meaning of your sentence, often so it makes no sense at all.

    Part of why you're having trouble with writing the next chapters is probably because almost the entire story you have written so far is all telling and no showing. You're writing the dry history text version of your story. Show me what's going on, give me some emotion and scenery to work with. Draw me into your world, don't just recite a laundry list of events. From what you've already written, if you were to actually write out every scene you could easily get several more chapters out of it.

    ~DragonHeart~
    Family: Psiko, Mistress Sheena, Djinn

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