Gaia story comments

[Darkdragoon]

This is the thread for only comment's about it. I do have some rule's

Rule's
____

No harsh comment's like: Your story suck's ass, just stop making story's you idiot.
Yes you can tell me what i need to work on like: Maybe you could make me know all the charater's better.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all > (As in the first rule)

That's all my rule's. If you don't follow... I will be a angry person >.< Or maybe i will get i mod to remove... Wait... Can i do that? Idk...

[T.G. Oskar]

The only problem I find in reading your story is that it's difficult for the eyes. It's very difficult to follow the action, and the action moves way too fast.

I'll explain briefly:
The action that you presented was too abrupt, happening almost on the course of literally five seconds. I'd rather say 25 or 30 from the moment the story starts up to the moment the battle ends; perhaps a minute or two for the stairs and 25-30 seconds for the battle. It's pretty hard to shoehorn the exact amount of time, but you can figure it's quite brief.

However, for the amount of length you've used, it seemed like it was all done in five seconds. Way too fast, and there's barely a division between dialogue and action, to the point you alternate between speech and action nearly every sentence. It kinda replicates the grasp of real-time action, but it becomes a bit of an eyesore.

There's other things to expand, too. First, the lack of description. It doesn't have to be extense; just a solid paragraph to explain the setting while the action goes in. You can explain a bit the stairs of Alexandria Castle while Garnet and Steiner lower the stairs, and even do it at the pace of the steps. Think that your story, albeit fanfiction, may be seen by someone who probably never played FFIX, and may be lost on the lack of details. How is the castle? How big is the castle? Yes, it has 127 steps, but...where was the queen located?

Second, remember that all characters have quirks and personalities. They can't show their personalities if they speak so fast and their sentences are so short. Garnet should be more demanding, as befits her royal position: she wouldn't say "What the heck!?", but she would expand to something such as "What was that!? Steiner, guards! Come to me; we must figure out the source of this manifestation! Be on your guard!". The first sentence is short, abrupt, and just shows a minor reaction; the second sentence (the one I wrote as an example) shows not only that Garnet is aware and curious, but that she is eager to find out and respond, and it also shows her position as queen by summoning her escort and her bravery by going on her own. Just notice the big, big, BIG difference when you expand the words a bit.

Also, the battle scene should be far more detailed: explain a bit what is the thing they are fighting against, how it reacts. Don't just spend a few words explaining actions: it sounds a bit like what happens on an MMO, and most people resent to hear brave heroes simply shouting "HEAL PLZ, KILL HIM, BUFF PLZ!". Also, you should play with the words used: instead of merely saying "Use your Fira on him!" (which most people would think as: a) an orthographical error, b) a bit of meta-knowledge about mechanics, and c) highly inappropriate), you could say something like "Terra, unleash your powers on that beast!" or "Fry the bastard with your spells; I'll take advantage of the distraction!". Most people won't know what Fira exactly does (again, think that some of the people who might read this may never have played enough FF, even though it's pretty obvious that this is a Final Fantasy forum)

The biggest recommendation would be to read the story as someone who has never played Final Fantasy, who has never heard of Garnet, Steiner, Terra, Edgar or Locke, who doesn't know what a "Fira" is, and that wants to read a high fantasy story jam-packed with action, drama, comedy and imagination. A story that sparks other people's imaginations.

Now, don't feel bad for the seemingly harsh critique: I understand how hard can it be to write a story. I can write awesome stories, but I often get lazy with description, and I need a Muse to inspire me to run the action. At times, I feel that I want to rush the action and get to the next part of the story. But, I remind to myself that readers need to get the full scoop, that they need to know of everything. Thus, even though it sounds boring, I write long yet simple descriptions of the characters, the setting, and the action, so that the other people don't get lost: and yes, sometimes I'm not as successful as you may think.

Just to give you an idea of how I'd see that little paragraph:

I'd divide it into at least four to five paragraphs. The first should introduce the reader to Alexandria Castle, to Garnet and to Steiner. It can start just as you started it, since it's quite appropriate, but afterwards it should expand the view and show the location. You should show how Garnet is dressed, how they have changed since their last adventures (or simply how they look), and why sending the letter to Zidane is so important. You're the narrator, so you need to either assume the narration as someone who's right there, watching the situation, or as the omnipresent, omniscient narrator who serves as an expository source to the reader.

The second should introduce the anomaly. Explain in detail what happens. How the gate looks like? Is it on the sky, or on the ground? Does it manifests out of nowhere, or was it there and Garnet just noticed it after enjoying the view? You can either separate or adjoin the moment in which the group (or the duo, simply) checks the anomaly. You don't even have to say it's a gate: you can explain to the reader it's a gate without the characters knowing, or you can leave the readers in the blue and never explain it's a gate until the trio of FFVI comes out.

Third paragraph should be the reader's introduction to Terra, Locke and Edgar. How do they react? This isn't their world anymore, and they probably either were dropped from a point in the sky or perhaps rushed through the other side of the gate, or something similar. How is their reaction to the new world, to the big castle which isn't either Figaro or Doma? How do they react to a world that doesn't seem so gloomy, or perhaps the cultural and technological difference? Recall that Final Fantasy VI has a heavy steampunk/Industrial Revolution feel, where steel and cogs and steam are heavily present, while Final Fantasy IX has more of a Renaissance feel, with luscious streets and wandering artists and whatnot.

Fourth may introduce the beast which the trio of newcomers is facing. How did it got there? Was the creature emerging at the same time as they did, before them, or after them? How does the creature looks like? How does it react to the new world, and how does it react to the others? Afterwards, and ensuring that Garnet and Steiner reach there, begin the battle. Show the preparations: were the trio caught by surprise, were they alert and ready to face it or where they about to get surprised before Garnet and Steiner alerted them? Afterwards, the battle descriptions should be expanded. As it seems, Edgar leads the team, but what does he do? He stays there and says that while the others move, as if they were his lackeys? Does he draws his crossbow and fire, right at the moment Locke tumbles forth and strikes? Or does Locke feints him? Most importantly, recall that Terra is using magic; an action which not only does it require an utterance of magic words, but also specific gestures. What are those words? Are the words in an unknown language, a magical language? Or are the words in English, but in a very archaic form? What are Terra's gestures? Does an aura of magic energy flows forth, or does her eyes shine? What is the actual effect of Fira, anyways? Does Terra call her spell "Fira", or does she call it by a different name? Perhaps "Blades of Flame", or "Fireball", or the like?

Finally, depending on how extense the afterbattle may be, you might simply extend the fourth paragraph or form a fifth to explain the situation. As I see it, the battle remains in the air, without any sort of conclusion except the mention of Edgar that "it may be an Esper". It's not a solid cliffhanger, and it sorta feels like it was cut as abruptly as it started.

As you see, there is more to writing a story than just a few words and actions. This isn't a roleplay battle, or a scene from an MMO where some things can be waived; heck, this isn't a movie transcription where you can ignore descriptions since those are shown to the audience. This is a narrative story, which thrives on description and action. It's good that you ask peers to read your story; it refines your story and makes it more interesting. As it is, and forgive my rudeness, it's uninspiring despite the interesting idea of the blend of stories. All I can say is it shows promise, but if it remains as-is, most people won't be inclined to read it.

Also, some final pointers:
--Spell-checker is your friend. The grammar and orthography is quite decent, with only a minor thing here and there. Compared to most people, you seem to have a good grasp in orthography; I wouldn't chafe you on grammar and orthography alone since even the best writer can make a grammatical mistake. I know, since in my case, English is a second language and sometimes I get confused in the rules)

--Thesaurus is your friend. Using the same words every now and then causes problems. It doesn't have to be obscure words, although peppering your story with a few of them changes the story for the best. However, if you feel like you're using the same verb or noun or adjective several times, perhaps the use of a synonym could spice things up. As well, it's much more interesting to see Edgar attacking "with his elegant saber, a blade forged by a master craftsman and decorated with intricate designs, the guard of the hilt gilded and swept" than Edgar attacking "with his blade".

Again, it may sound a bit harsh, but it's all for the best. I would hate to see a promising story fall because of problems in writing. Also, I expect you to handle Terra with care: I would feel insulted if you don't treat her as she should.

[Darkdragoon]

Ok I'll try my best.
*Salute*

[Furore]

I reckon the story has potential if you change a few things.

Firstly some well structured paragraphs would be great so readers don't lose their place when they blink quite so much. Also extend the story outside of dialogue to show more about the world and characters. The story works like that in some parts, but other parts could use some fleshing out.

And I think your story might benefit from your own characters rather than using premade ones, especially as some of the lines don't really seem in character if they are indeed based on the cast of FFIX. The other fun thing with doing this, is that it helps to make the story yours and developing your own characters can be quite interesting, especially in terms of small quirks and other smaller details. Oh and unique locations too for much the same reason. It gives you more of an opportunity to make the story your own for the same reasons as using your own characters.

Anyways, I loved your story so far though unfortunately I do not get your sarcasm in the second post. Where was it?

[Darkdragoon]

Uh... Lol the I know you like part XD Cuz i think some people hate it...

[Sato Arashi]

It isn't easy to write a story, I can concur that despite I'm not a writer myself. Considering the fact that you're using the original characters from the game than making your own to slide in, I'd suggest taking time to research deeply into the story and all the character details. Another one that I strongly suggest as the others did is to flesh out to make the story longer, tedious yes, but with great effort on actions and dialogues, it makes the story last longer and still attract interest. Reading the first part, the time frame seems like half an hour to an hour.

[Darkdragoon]

ok
I'll look at it

[Silver Spyro]

Oh, there's a topic! xD Great story.

[T.G. Oskar]

Well...apparently you finished. And the story was more confusing than it seemed.

While you edited the first post, it still seems to have the same troubles. I pretty much expected something of this combination, but somehow you still keep with the same problems.

Something I notice is the insistence on going with the paragraph in the format "action-speech-action-speech", repeated every single time. At times, it's best to make the description in a separate paragraph, and the speech in short sentences to indicate the difference. It also requires you to indicate who's who, every now and then (I have some troubles with that, so it's no biggie)

If you wish, I could show you better by re-writing the first part of the story if you wish and allow me. That way, you can notice the BIG difference in writing and appeal when you write in a different way. There's also some disturbing things I need to clear out; most notably, how Terra regained her magic powers since by the end of FFVI she loses them. This is old, so it's pointless to place as a spoiler.

[RagnaToad]

It's almost postmodern. In a way...

But since I'm guessing that's not what you were aiming for, I'm agreeing with T.G. Oskar.

If you want to write a classic, exciting story, you should try and put yourself in the reader's place.

But if you meant to write it like this, more power to ya.