Don't join the army. Ten years ago, I would have told myself not to join the army... No, that couldn't have been ten years ago. Ten years ago I was ten. Unless if they were accepting incredibly young recruits in the army in 1999. Wait, that can't be right, either. I was never in the army. I guess I'm confusing myself for somebody else.
Learn how not to lift things like a complete retard. I'd probably tell myself to learn not to lift with my back so as to avoid the nerve damage that I have right now, which I need physical therapy to correct. If I had learned to lift with my legs instead of my back sooner, all of this could have been avoided.
Be born in January. Technically, I was born ten years ago at age ten, considering that 40 is the new 30, 30 is the new 20, and so on, which means that 10 is the new 0, so I was born 10 years ago. My only mistake was being born in July. July is hot, juicy, and humid. I'd much rather be born in January. Then I could have come out of the womb supporting a leather jacket and a beard.
Try a mango. I still haven't had one. How much of a dick does somebody have to be not to try a mango in a full twenty years? That's like slapping Rodney King across the face. It's the biggest insult to humanity.
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