A world to describe!

[Unknown Entity]

Ok, I'm not going to describe the world in this thread seeing as I've not yet seen much of it first hand... yet... What I will post here, however, is little things that I have wrote - nothing important at all, although some day I'd like to write a book... Don't know what about yet, but I'd like to. Enough about that though... I want to know what you think of these little snippets I've wrote. Here goes!

This one is from the external forums of Vaperida I go on. The thread is like a role play - player can go there for "a drink"...

The door is thrown open, and I step into the cool, dry tavern. My cloak relaxes as the lack of outdoor breeze fails to lift it. Instead, it gently flutters around me as I make my way up to the bar. Sitting down, I breathe a sigh of relief that I had made it past my last battle with only a few deep wounds and large bruises. I carefully lift up my armour to reveal a deep tear in my once so lovely flesh. Wincing, I concentrate hard on the skin repairing. Opening my eyes after a small moment, I see that I have been fixed.

I call over to the barkeep, who was having a little chat with another punter down the counter. He comes over, greeting me with a smile and asks:
"Let me guess: Courvoisier and coke?"
Smiling, I reply: "Better make it a double... I think I'm going to need it..."
"As always!" He laughs, getting my order.

I spin around on my chair and make my way over to the jukebox, and flip through the few songs I could play. Shaking my head and wondering why the barkeep hadn't updated the songs, I flip a coin in and pick my choice. Returning to my seat, the barkeep says:

"It’s been a while since that’s been played..."

Smiling, I get up and make my way over to a dark corner... I wasn't in the mood for a conversation - not tonight. I wanted to relax, and hear the song play... So that I may have peace, and wash away yet another sin...

Finishing my drink, I close my eyes and lean back on my chair, breathing softly. I think about the past few weeks...

It all seems a blur... Me transforming into my lycan form, running amongst my enemies, digging my teeth into their necks... Having my feast before moving onto my next victim. When I'd run of energy being a lycan, I'd transform back to 'human' form, swinging my twin blades in circles around me...

I am awoken suddenly by the barkeep, tapping me on my shoulder...*
"Entity, I think you were dreaming... don't you think it's time you went home to rest?"

Nodding, I adjust my eyes to the light - it must be morning. Great I think. Time to make my way home... in the sun light. Stepping out the pub, I lift my cloak up over my head. The door closes behind me... A moment later, a howl could be heard, which startles the few people still in the bar...

Whatcha think?

[Halie]

Your style of writing is really good, and I like how you've made the character seem very mysterious and want to know more about her (I'ma guessin' it's a she, but correct me if I'm wrong ^^;; lol). I hope you post up a continuing, it'd be great to read more into it.

Also, it reminds me a lot of the film Underworld with the lycans and stuff ^^. lol.

But yeah, I really like it. Not only are you good at art, but now you're good at writing too! hehe.

[Unknown Entity]

Your style of writing is really good, and I like how you've made the character seem very mysterious and want to know more about her (I'ma guessin' it's a she, but correct me if I'm wrong ^^;; lol). I hope you post up a continuing, it'd be great to read more into it.

Also, it reminds me a lot of the film Underworld with the lycans and stuff ^^. lol.

But yeah, I really like it. Not only are you good at art, but now you're good at writing too! hehe.

Hey thankies! Yeah, the character is a she - it was supposed to be me, but now I'm not sure if I want' it that way... Oh well... Its on a lycan and vampire site, and it does remind me a little of Underworld, although I've not watched the WHOLE film lol!

Thanks again! I'll be back with some more if I can get a hold of my English file at school...

[Unknown Entity]

Ok, I wrote a little bit more to go with it - like after I left the pub, and then it goes into a flash back kinda thing. It still needs a little work to make it better - I'm thinking about turning it all into the 3rd person though - I'm getting sick of writting I, me, my and myself lol! Tell me what you think...

Here goes:

The wind gently whistled through the forest, carefully lifting up the many delicate, brown leaves that had fallen during mid-autumn. Here, it seemed that the whole world was full of the sound of birdsong, of which was sweet enough to add a little brightness to even the darkest of souls. It’s what first gripped me, as I walked through the forest. How could nature create something so wonderful, but still make things hideous and dark? The bottom of my cloak was beginning to feel heavy from being dragged across the early morning mildew, which had settled on the various plants across the ground. The smell of wild garlic seemed to fill the air too, – one of my favourite smells. I longed to hunt for the source of this marvellous smell, but knew that that would only bring me pain. Everything in my life changed the day I was bitten while I slept.

It was the night before my 16th birthday. The day it started. The day I was forced to join the underworld. The day I’ll never forget...

I was a normal teen, who went to school, who quickly made friends, and the one who did my homework. I was even the top of all my classes! I was a normal teen, leading a normal life. I don’t know why all of that changed so suddenly. I still ask myself “What did I do wrong?” even though deep down I know it was not my fault. I remember laughing and saying my goodbyes to my friends before making my way home. I spent the night in with my family, doing family things. Watching the television, playing games and joking around. I was so excited before I went to bed – there was only two more hours until I was sixteen! After managing to will myself to sleep, I was soon awoken by screaming. My eyes opened to find that my room was alive with sound and light. Jumping up from my slumber, I realise that my neck is saw and sticky... Blood... I whispered to myself. My mother, who was staring at me with a look of complete horror, seemed to fall to her knees in slow motion. Everything seemed slow... Dizziness crept up inside my head, and I fell into a deep sleep.

However when I awoke, I was no longer in the comfort of my own bed. I sensed I was miles away from the place I once called home. The sheets wasn’t as soft, and the mattress wasn’t as comfortable. The decor of the small room I awoke in was fitted with mysterious furnishings. I looked out of the window, which seemed to offer the only light in the room, and scanned the new scenery. A tear trickled down my cheek. What am I doing here? I wondered. I was scared. Climbing from the bed, I walked over to the window, wiping away my tears. Leaning on the sill, I took a better look around at the life – of lack of it – outside the glass frame...

That was four years ago.

[Unknown Entity]

Well, when I've not been doing exams, revising () and/or seeing friends, I've wrote more to the story. I've changed it from the 1st person to the 3rd - I was getting sick of writting I's, and the like, and I think I prefer it if I write about another. Its continued on from my last few posts, and it does sound mixed up from where I've changed the person I'm writting in. So here goes!

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Chapter Three

Entity stopped writing. She could no longer write anymore, out of the fear she will cry and let the whole tavern know how weak she was. Weak. She couldn’t believe the barkeep was making her write out her story in a journal. She’d never wrote in a journal before, and she becoming stuck for things to write. “Writers Block” the barkeep called it. Sighing, Entity closed the small book she was given. Smiling in the same way he always smiles when giving her a glance, the barkeep strolled over to Entity and sat down at her table, - her usual table where she liked to sit so she was never disturbed.

“Well? How much did you write?” he asked, going to pick the book up.

“Enough... Though not enough for you to be able to read it...” she replied, putting her index finger down on the journal, pressing it against the table.

The barkeep sighed. “How do expect anything to change if you won’t let it change?”

“I’ll let it change in my own time. Now though, I don’t yet feel ready for a change.” Entity picked up her glass, and put it to her lips. “Besides, why are you so interested in my story? It’s nothing to brag about, - you’ve probably heard it all before...”

“I bet you 10 silver coins that I haven’t!” he replied, slamming his hand down on the table.

“Save your bargain for another – you have punters waiting to be served.” Entity nodded to the bar, and the barkeep looked around. Muttering something under his breath about not having time to breathe or have a social life, he stood and welcomed his guests, - smiling as if he hadn’t said anything. Smiling to herself, Entity placed the book in her holdall, and stood to stretch. After throwing the holdall around her back, she turned to come face-to-face with the barkeeps wife, Cilla.

“Where you off to now? One minute your here, next your at the market, then next your fighting some wannbe vampire, then you’re travelling, and then you come back here asking for the spare room out back! You need to settle down young lady! Please don’t get you’re self hurt again, please...” Cilla pleaded.

“But that’s just what I am – a young lady. I have the rest of my life to settle down. I can’t now though. There is so much for me to do. Plus, it is hard to settle down anywhere when you’re a... a lycan... who no one wants to know because I’ll only bring danger.” Entity muttered, sitting back down again.
Cilla nodded and sat in the seat next to her. “I know you, if that makes a difference. I’m not dead or hurt yet! At least stay for another night – what you say?”

Entity stood again, this time hoping that she’d get to leave without having someone tug at her heart, she shook her head. She headed for the door without saying another word, leaving Cilla to call her name...

Chapter Four

Milvon was a small town around ten miles from the tavern, by the ocean. Fishermen and travellers gathered in the streets all year round, selling their wares, and going away to stock up once they got low on particular items. The rage of items changed from stall to stall, from month to month, and Entity had spied many weird and unusual things in previous visits here. Today, however, not many people where around in the streets, and rain hammered down upon the slate roof tiles of every single house and shop, and caused thousands of tiny ripples in the puddles, and even greater, the ocean water in the docks.

Entity swiftly walked down the streets cobbles that lead down the hill towards the docks. It wasn’t the boats she was interested in, but the small cottage on the corner by them. Ivy grew up its side, winding itself into the brick work and around the tiny windows. The paint on the window frames and on the front door was a little weather worn and was starting to peel, revealing the rotting wood underneath. Leading up to the front door was a narrow path made from many parts of smashed slate, of which had small weeds and grass sticking up through its cracks. Entity stood at the rusting gate at the bottom of the path, and stared up at the house. This is the house in which she awoke the day after she was bitten – the day she turned sixteen years of age. It was also the place where she was taken care of by the owner, Rinth. Rinth was an elderly lady, - the oldest in Milvon – who used to, - and still does – tend to the many boats which pull up in the docks day to day.

Entity carefully made her way up the path towards the front door, and used the ancient knocker to knock twice on it. She waited a while, before Rinth finally came to the door. Rinth’s shrunken frame appeared in the small creak between the edge of the door and the wall, and Entity saw a smile spread across her face when she saw who it was.

“Entity! Now this is a surprise! It’s been so long! Come in dear! Come in!” she exclaimed. Smiling and bending down to give her a hug, Entity stepped into the hallway. “Have you been looking after yourself? You feel as though you have lost some weight... Have you been eating anything?!” Entity laughed and pulled away.

“Of course I have! Honestly, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t be here now, would I?”

“I’m still not convinced! Come this way – to the kitchen! I’ll make you something that you’ll like – and your belly to... by the sounds of it...” Rinth added after hearing Entity’s stomach growl. Shaking her head Entity followed her down the hallway and through the kitchen door.

The kitchen was alive with many different smells – spices, herbs, the (beef?) stew boiling on the oven, and many other delights. Sitting down at the wooden kitchen table, Entity allowed her holdall to slip of her shoulder as she breathed in the wonderful smells of Rinth’s kinchen. Rinth smiled as she stirred the stew, and said:

“The children have been asking after you. They don’t seem as... entertained since you have been gone. I think they have been missing you...”

Entity laughed. “You should have got them to help you out then! It’ll have given them something to do!”

“I think that’s why they were bored... They helped me out loads with the docks, cooking, cleaning... everything. When you are here, they have more fun when they help – they sleep better too!” Entity looked down at her finger nails, and smiled. She missed them too...

“Where are they? Asleep upstairs?” she asked. Rinth nodded, and lifted a spoon full of stew into a bowl. After filling the bowl, she brought it over to Entity, who was pleased to see some good food. Lifting her spoon off the table, she dipped it into the stew, and lifted it to her mouth. Immediately after swallowing the mouthful, she could fill the hot liquid flow down her throat, and into her belly which had started to rumble again. After a few more spoons of the beef stew, Entity felt warm and was beginning to feel full. Rinth sat there and watched her eat every last drop.

“Now, I think you should go upstairs and rest up a while. Maybe have a bath, and put some clean clothes on – the ones you’re wearing are in need of a good wash!” Rinth suggested.

“I’ll wash them. You’ve done enough already, and it’s you who needs a rest! It can’t be easy doing everything you do!” Entity laughed, picking up her bowl and standing. After collecting everything she had used, she made her way over to the sink. She had just began to wash her dinner things when Rinth, took her arm and moved her aside.

“Go on, I can do this,” she said, looking at Entity. “Go upstairs, and rest. For me, please?” Entity smiled, picked her bag up from the floor, and left the kitchen.

Chapter Five

Hmm... That bath was good... Entity thought to herself, as she climbed into bed later on in the evening. She was wearing her clean pyjamas, which she found exactly where she left them, when she started her travels over six months ago. The pillow was soft, - totally unlike the ones she awoke on the first day she was here. Entity lay there, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about what she could do tomorrow. She smiled when she thought of the children’s reactions when they see her. Entity had missed little JJ and Maddie...

Before she knew it, Entity was fast asleep, tangled up in her dreams and nightmares...

* * *

The Stranger bounded through the forest, kicking leaves and plants up as he went. He was breathing heavy, as though he was chasing something... or being chased... His breathing became faster and faster, and soon he emerged from the forest, right at the top of a large gorge. Staring down at it gave him the sense of vertigo, yet still, he stared down.

At the bottom of the gorge, by the streams edge laid a fairly small campsite. The tents were made of brown, and poorly looked after canvas, and seemed too small for any human to be comfortable in. They were held up by long branches that were thrust into the ground, or by the many smaller branches that hanged over the foliage. Just when The Stranger thought it was safe to wonder down the gorge into the camp, an Imp emerged from one of the tents. Startled, The Stranger climbed back up behind a large rock which jutted out of the side of the cliff. He watched the Imp’s movement carefully, as it made its way over to the stream. The Imp picked up a bucket that lay near the waters’ edge, and he dunked it into the stream. Once he was satisfied that it was full, he made his way back into the tent.

Once again, The Stranger checked the coast was clear before making his way down the gorge. He landed on the lower ground with a few scratches, but he seemed fine. Standing back up, he silently made his way over to the tent which the Imp had disappeared into. What he saw in the tent was not what he had thought would be there, - no bed mats, nothing of what you would expect to find in a tent. There was a tunnel which had been dug through the floor. By his judgement of the light he could see down there, it was vertical for a few meters, but then levelled out. As he knelt down to take a better look, he heard voices outside the tent. Dammit! Where I’m I going to hide? He thought as he looked around the tent. No place to go but... down... Without looking back he jumped down through the whole.

He misjudged how far he would have to fall – it was more than a few meters. When he realized he wasn’t going to land anytime soon, he began to dig his fingers into the damp muddy walls. His knuckles began to bleed, and he was thrusting all his might into stopping himself from a really nasty fall. After what seemed about five minutes, The Stranger felt the wall behind him level out and before he knew it, he was sliding along a muddy floor. He looked ahead, and saw a small opening in the wall in front of him. By the looks of things, there was no floor, and he guessed that he would probably fall out of the tunnel onto the floor at the other end. Let’s hope that the floor isn’t a long drop from here!

He felt his back come off of the slide. This is it... He clenched his fists and tensed his whole body waiting for the blow of the ground. He couldn’t open his eyes out of the fear that he may then have to shut them... for good... When he hit, he heard a snap, of which sounded like a twig, until he felt a steering pain shoot up his leg. He screamed and slammed his fists onto the ground around him. A tear slipped from his left eye as he opened it. He could see his bone had ripped from the flesh of his leg. Preparing himself for what he knew he’d have to do, he managed to lift himself up to a sitting position. Shaking, he bent over and took a hold of his lower leg... Sweat produced along his brow slid down his face, stinging his eyes. ... 5... 4... 3... 2....... 1! He pulled his broken leg back into place. Yelling again, he threw his himself back to how he landed. He lay there sobbing for a short while before sitting back up. He examined his leg to check it had been fully put back in its place, and then looked around for something to make a splint out of.

He spotted a wooden shovel at the other end of the chamber, and near that what seemed a bundle of cloth. He shuffled his way over there. Once he had got there, he took hold of the shovel, and tried to snap its handle in half. With great difficulty, it eventually did snap. Pulling of the metal shovel, he placed the two bits off wood either side of his damaged leg. He started to rip up the cloth, when he heard the voices again. Give me a damn break! Jeese... He tied the cloth around his leg and the bits of wood tightly, and then tried to hide behind a pile of rubble. Rubble? He thought. It was only then he decided to look around at the chamber he was in. The walls were made from massive slabs of brick, - he thought he’d had fallen in some kind of mine! The voices got closer and closer, and stopped just where The Stranger had made a splint for his leg.

“Where did you put my shovel? I thought you said you left it here with these old rags?” one of them asked.

“I swear that it was here, Drake!” the other exclaimed.

The first bent down as he saw the shovels metal head beside the torn cloth.

“Well well well... looks like we may have an intruder in our hands... Kebeth! Go and warn the others in the Temple Ruins! I’ll search here...”

The Stranger heard footsteps run away from where he was. He peeked around the rubble, and for the first time saw the entrance to what ‘Drakel’ had called the ‘Temple Ruins’. He gasped. This cannot be! They no longer exist!
After this thought, he heard a whisper in his ear, which said:

“But we do... Our Brother Hood has always existed... And we will always exist...”
The Stranger felt a cold blade against his neck.

“Are you... going to... kill me?” he gulped.

“No no!” the voice laughed. “You’re lucky I’m in a good mood today... I’m going to let you go – for a price... I’ll let you go if you tell me the significance of The Artefact... If you don’t know, then you need to find out!”

The Stranger shivered, and gulped again. The Artefact?

“WELL!?” the voice shouted, becoming impatient.

He nodded. “Of course! Course! Anything! Please...”

“Good! Now, you need to find out... by any means necessary... I’ll give you the name of a woman who does know – may know – a little something... Rinth. Find her, and you can keep your life!”

The Stranger felt the blade be removed from his neck, allowing him to turn and face the source of the voice. Who are you? He thought, to scared to speak. He knew that whoever this person was, that they could read thoughts. He had a scar going down his left eye, which ended at his lip. His teeth were sharp, and the hood of a cloak came down over his eyes.

“I’m Drake. The devil who feeds on knowledge and the despair of others... As you already know, I can read the minds of those around me... My powers aren’t always bad...”

His hand swept across the area just above The Strangers leg. The cloth came lose, and the snapped wooden handle fell to the ground. He stared in disbelief at his leg. It was as good as new! He looked back up at Drake in wonder...

“... however... they will turn bad if I don’t hear from you within a week... You wouldn’t want that now would you... Now go!”

The Stranger didn’t need to be told twice. He was on his feet and running towards the tunnel before Drake’s words even sank into his head. He scrambled up the tunnel as fast as he could, and with great difficulty. He burst out of the tent, and ran following the stream, away from the underground ruins. His heart began to beat faster and faster as he ran. He knew he couldn’t stop. Rinth Rinth Rinth... Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU!!!

* * *

Entity shot up in her bed, gasping for breath. She was covered in sweat, and her damp pyjamas clang to her. Drake... Drake... Him... How... Why... Rinth... The words zoomed through her before she had a chance to remember them. She then became aware of a movement at the end of her bed. Her eyes glowed red, fur began to grow causing a prickling feeling all over her. Her nails and teeth grew, and she leapt off the bed at her intruder.

Chapter Six

She heard two screams, and saw two faces with the look of horror upon them. Entity’s eyes became their normal shade of brown, the fur disappeared, and her nails and teeth went back to their original form.

“JJ?! Maddie?! Oh God! I could have killed you! What are – were you doing... I... I’m sorry!” she opened her arms out wide, as they ran to her. She embraced them as they cried out their apologies to her.

“RInth said you were back! We had to see you!” Maddie whimpered.

“Yeah! We only wanted to see you – we missed you! Why are you... so... wet?” JJ said.

Entity laughed, and hugged them tighter. There were footsteps outside the door, and the door burst open.

“What on Earth do you kids think you are doing now!? Why couldn’t you wait until she was awake! Get down stairs – NOW! Breakfast is ready!”

They ran from the room, leaving Entity sitting on the floor, with Rinth standing in the doorway.

“They only wanted to see me, Rinth. You don’t need to shout at them...” she said.

“Anything could have happened! Entity, what if you had killed them!?” Rinth shouted.

“I’d never have laid a finger on them, and you know that! They have been like my little brothers and sister – like my own blood since I’ve been here! I would and just did stop myself from...”

“FROM WHAT!? That is the point Entity! Half the time we lycans can become ANYTHING! We may not always remain in control of ourselves! Now, get changed, and come down!” It was only then did Rinth realise Entity was soaked in her own sweat. “What happened?”

“... Just a bad dream... nothing to worry about...” she muttered in response.

“Entity, you can tell me. Even if it was stupid – tell me... There is something you aren’t telling me, right?”

Entity looked down at the floor, and began to cry. How can you show yourself as being weak in front of Rinth... she thought.
That’s all you are – weak!

“There was this man... I don’t know who he is... But he found a cave under a tent – no, a tunnel! He went inside, and fell. Broke his leg. He fixed it up in a... splint, and there was this guy... Drake...” Entity stopped, as she heard Rinth gasp. Looking up, she saw Rinth shut the door, and come over to sit on the floor beside Entity.

“Drake... Please continue...”

“He asked this man to... look for... you... I don’t know if this is real, or just a silly dream! I haven’t a clue...”
Rinth stood, and walked to the door.

“Breakfast is ready. Get changed – have another bath if you need to – and come down.” She commanded.

“Rinth! What does this mean? Rinth!?” Entity called after her, but it was too late as the door closed behind her.

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I am also aware of a few spelling errors, which I'll get sorted ASAP. The Chapters are pretty un-even, but this is only my first draft of the story, and it does need more depth to really make you think "**** yeah! Awesome!"

Anyone have any suggestions?

[DragonHeart]

Well, I can give you a few suggestions but I won't do a full critique unless you really want one. Let's start with the first passage posted:

Overall it's not bad, could use some tightening up but that's true of all draft works. The very beginning and the very ending of the passage are in third omniscient, so you probably want to go back and fix that to be in first. It may sound more mysterious, but it makes the writing choppy when you switch POVs like that. Also, overuse of ellipses (the ...). I'd take most, if not all of them out.

The flashback/dream passage is interesting, but it doesn't have a lot of impact as it is now. I'd make it more visceral, really punch up the savagery of the attack to make it feel more like a nightmare than a dream. Rending claws, splattering blood, that sort of thing. In my opinion it'd be really neat if you did the dream with the bestial mindset instead of the human one for emphasis.

Oh, and watch your tense changes. You switch from present to past, then back to present. I think it'd read better in past, but that's really a personal preference. I find present tense awkward, at best. It's also extremely difficult to write well, simply because of the tendency to slip back into past when the inner editor isn't looking.

Other than that, content wise I found it interesting, particularly the idea of a lycan/werewolf being able to use healing magic, or is that a generally accepted ability? I don't know much about 'em as I don't really do horror or urban/romance fantasy, which is where they tend to pop up. Either way, a neat little scene.

I do think if you keep going with it, being in first person as it is, you'd have a great chance to really get in the characters' struggle to retain her humanity and control the dark beast within. An internalization of man vs. nature sort of thing. Yeah, I like stuff like that.

I'll take a look at your newer material later on, if you'd like. I think you definitely have some good potential here, just have to keep it going.

~DragonHeart~

[diaryofjane]

Hey I like it wish it was something I could keep.