Girlfriend/Boyfriend over Friends?

[Craven]

Okay, this topic has come to mind recently and I just wanted to share my view on it with you guys.

One of my best lady friends had got in a relationship with one of my best mates. All seemed cool, they were still hanging around us, talking, laughing, the usual. But as the holidays started to roll around, they seemed to be less social.

My friends and I would call them going, "Wanna come out?", and they would respond with either "I'm too sick" or "I'm not allowed" and they would go to each others houses instead.

I haven't been out with one of them since the end of last year, and they keep to themselves and never talk to us anymore. Its like they have secluded themselves from the group.

Whats your views on this? Do you think your boyfriend or girlfriend should come before your friends?

[Victoria]

No, I do not. I believe that there should be equal treatment for hanging out. Some couples do this because they're just in lovey dovey mode and they'll grow out of it eventually. I guess your friends will just learn this the hard way and either get tired of each other and just be friends again, or will be very bored with each other after a while and want to hang out with you guys again.

If not, then they weren't really your friends in the first place.

[Fluffy]

For me, yes. This isn't even limited to a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario. Sorry, but I do not treat everyone as equals. I spend time with my best friend every chance I get, because I like to. If I had a choice, I'd rather be spending time with her over anyone else.

If I'm in a serious relationship with someone, you can bet I'm going to put them before everyone else. And if I'm in a serious relationship with someone, you can also bet that they're my best friend.

I don't know what exactly the situation is with your friends, but when it comes t me, I have a pretty strict "friends first" prerequisite for a relationship. This pretty much requires that I like to spend the majority of my time with that person.

But that's me. I prefer to be with less people. I enjoy the company of one person the most. I like being one-on-one with someone, and I dislike groups.

Personally, if I was in your situation and felt like they were ignoring me or other friends (which I wouldn't because I'd totally understand, but if...), then I would confront them about it. I'd let it be known that it's upsetting me and the others that they've been ignoring us.

This is in no way meant as advice. It's just my personal feelings on the subject. Take it however you want.

[winterborn86]

I agee with Toph, you gota make it equal.
Your partner is important to you cos thats who your having a relationship with, but your friend is also important cos if you and your partner split, your friend is guna be there for you plus its nice to go out with other people besides your partner. just cos you together dont mean you gotta stay together all the time.
Your friends seem to be a lil unfair on you and your mates cutting you all out like that, its not very friendly at all, but please dont think im bitching bout your friends in a nasty way, its just my personal opinion.

[Unknown Entity]

I like to spend equal amounts of time with everyone I know - no matter what relationship I have with them. I have a best friend, but I don't like classing all my mates around like that - some could be offended, and I love all my friends and wouldn't want them to feel this way.

Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are important, but so is your relationships with your friends. Some people go all "love-struck air head" when they fall in love, and then don't find time for anyone else. Besides, why would you want to be so... clingy with a partner? It would drive me mad if I could only hang out with one person 24/7!

I have had mates do this too lol... Its sad, but it happens.

[Zardoch]

Most relationships aren't worth creating drama over your friends. I mean a relationship might become something great, but isolating yourself from your friends is just as bad as isolating yourself from your family. If I was in a GOOD serious relationship, I would hang out with her all the time, but I wouldn't leave my friends behind just so I can feel happy a couple days of the week. I'd bring her over to hang out with all of my friends considering if I was going out with a chick who had the same taste, she'd fit right in. He should do the same. That also means that if your boyfriend/girlfriend is a great friend to you, they should be all means a great friend to your friends. If not, something's wrong.

Anyway, for any relationship, two people shouldn't shut everyone out for the sake of fondling each other. There's time to do that and time to be a true friend. If a couple decides they don't need anyone else, that's selfish and naive, especially when the stakes in relationships are so high. Hell, I almost lost a good friend years ago when he began banging this one chick. No one would hear from him for ages except maybe a few minutes one day a week. Not only that, but during the moments me and my friends would get to talk to him, he'd act like a total ass.

In the end, it truly is bros before hoes. Sacrificing friendship for someone you'd eventually grow tired of is a high price to pay. Go to your friend's house and talk to him even if it means breaking down a door. Make him realize his mistake. If he wishes to stay ignorant, leave him in the dust.

[Priscilla]

I know a lot of people who put their partner first and then it never works out and they have no one unless they fix their friendships.

It's all well and good to want to spend a lot of time with your partner but you have to have time for your friends too. I mean, what if it doesn't work out or something happened and you had no one to talk to?

I know sometimes I feel like going out and doing something with someone i'm dating because I have before but if i've already commited to my friends I will go with them.

D=

Mates before dates. Most relationships are just pointless, nothing comes out of them. But there are some that you learn a lot from and some that last forever.

It's a fine line really.

[Sharzademar]

Equality reigns supreme! Your friends and you partner should be able to coexist peacefully. If a partner can't accept that they are you friends and back you no matter what, then why spend time with them? They are not backing you.

By all means, spend time with you partner, but don't completely blow off your friends! So, Craven, your friends shouldn't be blowing you off! That's just not right!

[Chez Daja]

I think boyfriend/girlfriend should come higher. You're with that person for a reason. You like them above pretty much everybody, right? I don't think that friends should be completely killed off, but if they're likely to start causing shit between you and your partner, then you should set a couple of boundaries if various issues become an issue... e.g "please could you keep this to a minimum/lets all go out together". Same for the partner, same for the friends, etc.

Not to say it's the same with you, because I don't believe it is. I think in your case, the best thing to do would be to leave them to their lovefest and wait for it to end.

[ChloChloAriadne]

I seem to be the minority here, but I do believe that things SHOULDN'T be equal between yourself and your friends, and yourself and your partner.

Why wouldn't you spend more time with your boyfriend or girlfriend than your friends? I'm sure they want to feel more highly valued than your friends, and I think it's a way of showing them that you love them, that you really do care about them and that you would spend all of your time with them if you could.

Doesn't everybody want to feel like somebody thinks that way about them?

[Furore]

I think boyfriend/girlfriend should come higher. You're with that person for a reason. You like them above pretty much everybody, right?

EXACTLY!
I'd see treating them the exact same as being you just treating your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner as some kind of '**** buddy'. A friend who can provide sexual release.

Nope, though both kinds of relationships need time to work properly, you should feel quite differently about a proper girlfriend/boyfriend then a friend. Especially if you're planning on sticking with that boyfriend/girlfriend. Like moving in together, possibly starting a family... Ya know?

It's really priorities though I guess. Individual thing.
I'd just neither see them under the same light.
<3 friends, <333 Girlfriend.

[AxeluteZero]

This is a hard question.

Yes, there should be ample time that is just spent on the relationship. It is true - you're dating that person for a reason, and you should provide time with them.

However, there should also be ample time that you spend out either with other couples (who are friends) or with other friends in general. There should be no reason to pull yourselves out of the world. If something were to happen where the relationship would need to be broken off (anything at all), then what would you have to go back to if you'd secluded yourselves? You'd have to get comfortable with all of your friends again.

So, short answer:

Yes, spend a good amount of time with your loved one, but don't devote your entire life to them either (unless you decide to get married...then things change).

[Walter Sobchak]

Champion Craven, at your age, boyfriends/girlfriends should not be getting special treatment. It is nothing serious and will end before most friendships.

However, as you get older, your relationship with your significant other will become more important, and your friends will become more distant. In the busy world of work/college/etc, it becomes hard to juggle everything and you will spend most of your time with your other. And if you try to keep it the way it used to be, it can be tough, because all of your friends will be in serious relationships.

[Victoria]

Craven isn't the one in the relationship. His female friend is, and from what I learned, the guy is possessive and gets pissed at her for doing anything with her friends. >_>;

[Tiger Lily]

If he's talking about who I think he's talking about, neither are particularly possessive, but they're very obsessive about each other. Mutual thing. (And, to be frank, ASIDE from the obsessiveness, I don't believe that it's a healthy relationship at all. But that's a whole other kettle of fish.) If I'm wrong about who Craven was talking about, then ignore this paragraph. ><

To be honest, if it's the real thing and you know it is, yeah. Partner over friends. If they're not valued above your friends, they are either a friend-with-benefits or really not worth your while.
When you're serious enough to be sharing the same house, clearly they're going to be favoured over friends. To say otherwise would be stupid.

But in the mid-teenage years like the examples given, no matter how serious it is or seems to be, both sides need to have healthy social lives. When the relationship ends (as almost all of them are apt to do, for whatever reasons), you're going to have pissed your friends off and, in doing so, screwed yourself over if you don't keep a good balance. Sure, go out with your partner. Sure, spend time with them, call them, IM them, whatever. Just don't forget your friends.

Of course there are exceptions, but as a generalisation... *shrug*

Everyone's got their own priorities. If they think it's serious enough to warrant 24/7 devotion and they're wrong.. well, they dug their own graves, didn't they?

[Sinister]

Being realistic, I think that people pay more attention to their better halves. Not that that should infer dislike or disinterest, merely preference. Which really shouldn't surprise anyone. Love is known as "the most profound bond of affection", which would, by any measure, put it far beyond friendship.

That said, it is not good that one should neglect one's friends no matter the circumstances. Friends are a valuable commodity.

-Sin

[Confession]

Well as my good friend Chez once said

You're with them for a reason.

That is completely true, if you are going out with someone you obviously want to spend as much time with them as you can, you can get things with your BF/GF that you cannot with Craven.... I mean friends......In general.

But! I dont believe they are going the right way about it, lying to your friends over something like that is not cool, and if you haven't "hung out" with them since like last year, then I do think they should take some time for friends. But they should not treat them as equals or higher. If your GF/BF is friends with Craven... I mean your friends, then you should still hang out with them, it is unfair for the friends, but still spend more time alone with your "love".

[Rocky]

since this is somewhat relevant to the topic and I need some sage advice from some TFFers at 4 o clock in the morning, I will ask you all this: what are your opinions on beginning a relationship with a friend? Is this a legit idea, bad idea, suicidal, etc? I need your thoughts on this one dearly, as I am considering it. We've known each other about 3 years, and during my trip I guess you could say we kinda "sparked" a bit with all the time together we were having together and we ended up holding hands on last flight back. Do you think it was just because of the situation or is there possibly something more? I know you can't make a judgement off of one or the other, but from your experiences, enlighten a sap like myself.

[Fluffy]

To Rocky:

All you really need to do to see my basic opinion on this is see my post in here. =P

I wouldn't see a relationship any other way. If I'm not good friends with someone, then I'm not going to consider going in that direction. It just doesn't work for me. For me to want to go in that direction, we need to be really good friends. She needs to understand me more than anyone else.

Personally, I feel it's best this way. I know some people don't do it out of fear of ruining their existing friendship. The way I see it, if you're really good friends, then your friendship should be able to survive even if a romantic relationship fails. I do not see a romantic relationship as separate from friendship. I see it as a stronger form of friendship.

To me, taking a step towards a romantic relationship is not about taking a step towards sex and related things. It's about taking a step towards a more special friendship you wish to share with one person. The sexual side of it is simply a resultant of my stronger feelings; it is not the other way around.

[Halie]

If you're an adult, then yeah. It's most likely that you'll value your boyfriend/girlfriend over your friends. But if you're young, then no. It usually won't last, so keeping your friends close is the right thing to do. In this case, your friends don't realise that. You'd do well to confront them about it, like Fluffy said.

I'm sure your friends will snap out of it soon, though. And if not, you could just be happy for them, I s'pose.

It's kind of hard for me to value my boyfriend and friends over each other, because we're so far apart. And also, I'm young. But then again, most of my friends are idiots anyway. One's a whore who had sex with a twenty-six year old guy at the age of thirteen, an other one is a selfish ass, and an other is a two-faced, untrustworthy...monkey? But still, they're my friends, and we can't all be perfect. I'm sure they'd all have mean things to say about me But that's just the way friends go, sometimes...especially when you're young.

I'm kind of getting off topic now. As I said. Your friends will grow out of the lovey-dovey phase. >.>

[Pete]

This is in intellectual discussion how?



The rule is, as it always should be: "Bros before hoes" and the female version of "chicks before dicks."

As for that, I think that there should be a balance. You can't abandon your friends for your significant other. Likewise, you can't cancel on your plans with your friends because your bf/gf wants to do something. Basically it's a rule of whatever plans were there first stay.

Possessiveness is a disgusting trait to have because it ultimately ruins relationships and/or friendships. Someone will get angry that they're not allowed to do things, or friends will get angry because you're snubbing them or being a prick. All in all, it's about balance.

[OceanEyes28]

If I spend all my time with a significant other and we don't allow ourselves time to be with our friends, I get pissy. Everything he does starts to get on my nerves, and that's a problem. So I take time to be with friends not only for the sake of those friendships, but for the sake of my relationship.

It's important not to alienate your friends while you're dating someone. The odds are usually against that relationship lasting forever, and if it ends, you're going to wish you had some people there who care about you. You have to take care of those friendships and set aside time for them. If your partner is as emotionally healthy as you are, he/she will understand and will be doing the same.

That being said, my romantic relationships take a really high priority. I set aside time for him just like I would with my friends. And I probably enjoy hanging out with him the most out of all my friends and acquaintances. It makes sense that I'm going to want to spend a lot of time with him. I'm always friends with someone before I date them, so I'm usually really close with my significant other. I'm there for him when he needs to talk, I'll take care of him when he's sick, and I'll stand up for him when others talk badly about him when he's not around. If I'm dating him, he's important, and my good friends understand when I need to take time to spend time with him and build our relationship. I can't hang out with him every night, and I can't hang out with friends every night. But I do tend to take special care of my romantic interest. So if you want to think of it as "putting my boyfriend over friends," I suppose you could. But really, it's about what I need to be happy and feel like my relationships are where they need to be.

[Mr Spike]

I have experianced this with some of my friends as well.

Being in one large social group, naturally many relationships sprung up at one time or another, me included. I am someone who enjoys the company of friends and tried to remain as sociable as possible. However one couple in particular, whenever we went out anywhere, they would always end up togethor away from the rest of us and this annoyed the rest of us alot.

Needless to say the relationship didn't last, although they are now screwing each other for fun, which is kinda weird, but i disgress.

As good, emotionally (and physically ) as it is to be in a relationship with someone, what is important in my views is that you cannot loose touch with the one reason that you met - friendship. Yes, sometimes the situation is different but this is the primary way that you meet someone that you end up being in a relationship with.

I would be nowhere without my friends. So, while i make time for me and my significant other when it matters, at the same time i try to be sociable and enjoy those good times with friends that you remember for years.

[Govinda]

I make a point of keeping friends and boyfriends who would never require me to have to choose. I know that if things go wrong with my boyfriend, I know my friends will be there for me. If I'm annoyed with my friends, my boyfriend acts as Bitching Sponge until things are resolved. If both want my time at the same time, we talk, because we're, y'know, rational people who can spell the word 'negotiate.'

Wow, I sure feel intellectual now!

[Pete]

I still fail to grasp how this is intellectual, but whatever. I'm no mod (anymore).

Another thing that I felt like pointing out, is that no matter how close you get with your significant other, you simply cannot forget about your friends in the process. They'll be the ones whose shoulder you cry on when you break up. They'll be the ones to take you out to forget about your ex. They'll be the ones to get you blackout drunk and encourage you to talk to that hottie at the bar.

I mean, granted, having a significant other is great, but most of the time, they wont understand you as well as your friends do. Chalk it up to knowing you for years and growing up together.

[Karma]

Good Thread.

My opinion is that the Girl/Boy is more important looking at things, but your friend wouldn't prolly trade you for anything in this world. I have a friend who is going through the exact same thing and sometimes I have to call him on it as he will change plans or thoughts just to please her. You just have to let him figure out his priorities and if they ever break up, accept him when he comes back to you realizing he was wrong. Do not get angry with him, as he is confused also.

And I completly agree with what Fluffy said to Rocky. You can't really date someone without being friends and I feel the stronger that bond that you already have is, the stronger the relationship will become later, just because that person already knows your likes/dislikes/and boundaries.

Hope some of this makes sense!

[Govinda]

Rocky - To date a friend you must be sure that they are either a friend you can lose, or someone sent from the stars and your relationship will be superace and wonderful. If she's both worth it and not worth it at the same time, on you go. But if you share a circle of friends that lives as a circle of friend with you both as friends within it, be careful. Good luck love.

[mjrouse]

i think it all depends on the girls/guys personality too if their cool with you hangin out with your friends and him/her then good but that doesnt mean you neglect them but their are also some ppl who are controlling and get jealous really easy and want you to spend every second with them which i personally find ****ing anoying. i like the kinda girls that are just chill and easy goin and can hang out with you and your friends and not feel awkward and shit.
But i think it mostly depends on the person that your with.

[Rocky]

thanks for all of the support peoples, especially Fluffy in particular, since I have never thought of being close enough friends won't ruin the relationship anyways. Outside of you guys I have talked to a few other of my rl friends and they say it will probably work out to become something great, and it really is! Anyways, thank you all again... -Rocky

[Sean]

Bros before hoes. I've always said it and I've always followed it.

One of my best friends is getting married in October of this year. Since he started dating this girl in 2006 the amount of shit we've done together has gone down and down and down, and it got even worse when, last October, they moved in together. Outside of work (We've worked together off and on over the past few years at different places) I've hung otu with him maybe 10 times in the last year.

However my best friend for 18 years is dating a girl that he's been with since 2005. When I visit him, she comes over, but she never interrupts us, she never gets pissy if we're playing video games, drinking, causing a ruckus, or going for random trips to random places at 2AM. She's just happy to be spending time w/ him, and with us I suppose.

Bros before hoes. If she can't handle it, tell her to gtfo. If your friends can't follow it, then they aren't friends.

My friends were there before her, they'll be there after her. Simple as that, no amount of ***** can change that fact.