For the sake of my soul

Mood: Sleepy.
Music: Pictures of You - The Last Goodnight (again..)
Talking to: Merry, Fishie, Cilla, Bean
Quote of the Day: "Times is hard." - Mrs. Lovett

My eye is itchy. It hurts. And you.. You filthy boy, it is all your fault.
... =P

Uhm, today. What happened.. Well, for starters I got up. About half an hour before we had to leave, my dad came in and yelled at me that I'd have to walk to school if I didn't get out of bed. So I did. I got up, ate a pitiful amount of those icky Cheerios and had a shower. Managed to get ready before they left, so that was all good..

I got there and did my Math homework, which was incredibly wonderfully easy. For a change. I haven't been getting it lately, so that was a nice change. Then.. I got hungry because I didn't eat much for breakfast. Not my fault we had gross cereal. So I wandered over to my bag and pulled out a brown bag.. Mm, cookie, I thought. I opened it. I guess mum must have thought it was a treat or something because she left a few of them out in bags before we left.. So I took one. But when I opened it.. It was an English muffin. With butter on it. Eww.. So the bin it was.

Math was.. good, actually. I got some work done, I'm really getting it. Thank God, the test be next week, week after? Ugh. But I will have to brush up on our index work and such. And those stupid true values or whatever. Or are they real values? Fixed values? I really have no idea..

Anyhow, we had Biology next.. Me and Froggie just sat at the computer making fun of fonts..
"Hobo STD" and such fonts. There was also "Algerian" and "Californian". I should screenshot and post at some point. IPT followed.. It was okay I guess. We had a sub, so basically everyone played games the whole time and she didn't care. As tends to be the norm with subbing an IT class. Me and Merry.. texted each other. ><
I was sort of annoyed for no reason (well, for reasons that I can't be bothered going into), and was pretty edgy. Craven tried to talk to me and get me to edit his assignment.. Again. But I was pissed, so I sort of brushed him off.

"What's your problem?" he said.
"Many things," I muttered, sort of subdued.
"Like what, Lily?"
"Life."
"How so?"
"Just.. In general, okay?" I turned around to talk to Merry and he went over to play some game with Jake and George and Ben and Kane.
Yeah. Immature. But I really did not feel like talking. I don't know. It's just that lately.. I've been very irritable. 'Most everything is getting to me, making me bristle, annoying me to no end. It's not your fault.. No. It is your fault.

I'm not a possession. I'm not someone that you can command. "Come here, Lily, sit with me Lily, listen to my mp3 player Lily." I want to be able to say no and not be guilted into it with that "Come on, be reasonable, why not" look of yours. I'm being manipulated.. Playing me against myself? That's just.. No.
So please, I don't want you to ask me what you have done wrong, okay? I don't want a confrontation. There's a reason I'm not saying this in real life or on MSN. It is because I want to have my say without a guilt trap or a "What've I done?". Yeah, I'm a coward. But I'm a coward who wants to get her point across and I won't be able to if you start asking me what you have done wrong.

I want you to.. Take this on board. If I don't want to sit, talk, listen.. Leave me be. If you don't, then it's to your detriment because lately I've just been a colossal bitch. I don't know why, I don't know how long I will be like this.. But honestly. I'm sick of compromising and pretending everything's great when it's.. Not.

I suppose that it isn't really your fault.. I'm irritable, I'm awful I know.

But if you take anything from this.. I'm not a possession. That's my point. I'm not obligated to do what you want me to. I'm more than that.. I am more than the servant of other people's whims. And if Merry or Froggie or Ben was like that to me.. They'd be getting the same thing. And since you are not as close to me as them (not by a long shot, I'm sorry), I think it is a bit rich to expect me to conform to what you want me to be.. You once said I wasn't being "me". You haven't known me long enough to know who I really am.. Nine months, a year? Sorry. It takes longer than that.

I don't know if you even realise you're doing it. But that is pretty much irrelevant anyway since it's not why you're being possessive that is infuriating but the fact that you are.

And lastly. Unless you want your head snapped off, don't bring this up. Please, don't. It isn't a threat, it's what'll happen. I know myself. I won't mean to, but I will end up snapping. And even if you do want your head snapped off. Don't anyway. Please. Just.. Don't.


Oh-kay.. Now I've gotten that out.. God, I feel horrible and yet so much better. Perverse much.. But yeah, I really did need to get that off my chest. I'm a bitch, I know. But I'm learning, slowly, that I have to do what's good for me sometimes too. I can't compromise myself all the time.

On a better note, we got our stuff trashed at lunch.. Because Rebecca and Mel threw nuts and sultanas around the corner at us.. And when we tried (we missed them completely) to throw apple cores back, they came at us with diluted yoghurt. Yeah, you read right. So we (Merry, Froggie and I) locked ourselves in toilet stalls. Thirty seconds.. Water came flying over the top.
We came out a bit later, saw Bec and Mel going around the other corner into the music block. Shrugged, kay, they're going. Good.

Got around to our bags... My Biology book had been splattered to some form of monged fruit, while Froggie's bag had been treated to a banana peel. Which wasn't good since she is very badly allergic to banana. Bec and Mel came around the corner, Froggie told them that it was just plain low of them, which it was. They snickered. Um. Egocentrically self-righteous much. Basically we hadn't done anything to them, so to deface our stuff was just ****ty.

Merry came back from Math C after being lectured by Jess.. On how I swore at the other "group". Apparently one of them had told Liss that I swore at them, and Liss told Jess. Which was utter bull, because I never swear at people. Swear, yeah, sometimes. But not at anyone..
And lecture Merry? Um. What. That's just gay. As if she doesn't know me well enough to know that I don't spit profanity at people. Ugh. Stupid people. But Emily came over and we have organised a truce between the most part of the groups. That is, everyone will be civil to each other except when it comes to Bec and Mel.

Oh, and Mel asked me what book she got, I said Biology. She asked what I was working on. My assignment. "Oh, wrong book then." And she high fived Bec. Uh, what book were you aiming for? =\

Anyway, enough of this stupid ranting. I'm off to unpack the shopping.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Okays.
Music: My Friends - Sweeney Todd OST
Talking to: Cilla, Nathan, Froggie, Bean, Andy, Ann, Ben
Quote of the Day: "NOONE CARES ABOUT YOUR ******* LIZARDS!" - Ben

Ahh, the day just got so much better. At the moment, I'm reading over Cilla's English assignment, I don't grudge her the proofreading. =P
I'm also in a group chat and talking to Ben. He came on and started yelling, swearing and berating Bec and Mel. All of which were wonderful things. And as if that wasn't bloody brilliant in itself, it was because of my last journal entry. Wheeeewt.

The day in general? I forget. I had Chem first, we're going over Moles and stuff. And no, I am not referring to Mel. Oh, burn. Not. But yeah, it's fairly easy, something I get without too much strain on my poor brain. It's been rather frazzled with attempting to comprehend Math.

Math, math math. I hate it. I get some of it. That being the most recent stuff. I really hate that subject, I really do. Not only is the stuff so confusing that I can't comprehend it, I have Mel in my class.
Got into an argument with her this lesson, was quite enjoyable.

(There was a group of boys with a foam ball whacking it around out area at lunch, it hit us a couple of times. It hurt!!)

Mel: Did you seriously dob those guys in?
Lily: Uh, yeahh.
Mel: Why?
Lily: Because that ball they had was hitting us, got me a couple of times.
Mel: So? Reena's had a tooth knocked out by them before and we didn't dob, just said she ran into a wall.
Lily: That's dumb. They're not meant to, didn't you hear McNaughty tell them.
Mel: So?! You don't have to dob them in, who's idea was it, anyway?
Lily: Froggie's, and mine, sort of.
Mel: As if you'd listen to Froggie!
Lily: Um, as if you wouldn't. Why not?
Mel: ... It's Froggie.
Lily: Froggie's awesome!
Mel: Lots of people don't like her..

And then I went on to rant about how you can't just conform to popular views of people, ra ra ra, you're dumb, Froggie's great, give her a bloody chance before you judge her.

Then the teacher interrupted.

Teach: How are you, girls?
Mel: Great! Lily and I have a love-hate relationship, eh Lily?
Lily: *grumbles through teeth* ... Joyous.

Ugh. She is so stupid. Should be roasted, yush. Like her lizards. Gosh. What is her obsession with those effing lizards?!

Oh, today I learned something. We have a song. Turns out we both think of the same one when we are remembering days gone by. Pictures of You, by The Last Goodnight. I think, other than the Sweeney OST, that it is the only doubleup song in my journal so far. Nostalgia's song. In a good way, I think.
Today is.. nice. A good amount of ranting, complaining, general talking and reminiscing. MSN = the supreme ruler of all technology.

Ahh, what else. Finished with Cilla's assignment. Wasn't much wrong with it, actually. Go Cilla! ^^

Biology was boring. We went to the Vertical Files to get some information on Dryland Salinity. Actually got some work done. Scanned and printed and got notes from lots of stuff. We were at the computer in the library that has a scanner, right next to one of the classrooms. An economics class was in there. I thought it was a happy coincidence. Although, after a day's exertion in the attempt to make paths cross, it did nae work. Haha. Ah well. There always be tomorrow. Unless, you know, I have an hemorrhage and die or something. Lol.

Oh, in other news! I was on MSN the other day, and I got added to a conversation with Jenny and Cilla. Jenny had said something like, "Here's a random!", then added me, because she said "Incoming Plushie!" Plushie is my Jenny-nickname.
And Cilla goes Lily!, and I go Cilla! And Jenny goes Plushie!
And then we all go: Huh? How do you know each other? Turns out Cilla has known Jenny since she was nine, and I met Jenny in a completely un-Cilla-related way. Small world much?
I thought that was pretty awesome at least. So did Cilla, methinks. We were both going "Wow" for a while after. Creepily insanely cool, no?

Aaaanyhow. I think there was more I wanted to write, but I don't have the time, I have homework to do and such. Will write later.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Urgh.
Music: The Contest - Sweeney Tod OST
Talking to: Cilla, Nathan, Froggie, Bean, Craven
Quote of the Day: "You're shorter than me you pathetic sod!" - Lily

Oh effing hell.

Merry didn't show today. She has the flu. Ugh. So Japanese was okay, had Jess in my class. I learnt the third line of hirigana, yays. Oh, also those tenten thingies.. It makes the sound harder, the mark is kind of like ".
And I won me some Japanese candy, lol bingo with hirigana.

We had Biology first, it hasn't been too bad of late, what with having all out lessons in computer rooms and Starkey not talking to us at all. We were going thru highlighting information and taking notes. Well. Froggie was talking notes, I was trying to draw her as punishment for.. Something. I forget what it was. Haha. I have a scan of it, I think it's looking okay. Yay.

Chem wasn't too bad, Merry's absence meant that I was bored stupid. Molar stuff is easy as.
German was okay, had to write a poem. Was pretty easy even if it sounded stupid. Freeverse German, bitches. It sounded so funny. Was about asylum seekers.
English translation was:

Everything is lost,
I have no home,
No family, no friends,
Nothing.

Wow. It sounded sooo much better in German. But then it was a 30-second slap-job so what do you expect. xD

I did write some poetry in IPT, though. Shall put it up later. Was irked again for no reason, and I actually mean it - for no reason - this time. Haha. I didn't really talk to anyone but Froggie all day. Didn't want to, everything was just irksome. And everyone is taking everything so bloody personally!!
If I snap at you, most likely it is not you! Okay, to be honest I'm not coping with school very well. I'm out of my depth, life is more confusing than it was and everything is just escalating to one grand royale permanent pain in the ass. Life just isn't as simple as it was, I have no idea what I want from anything anymore. I just keep thinking, what's the point. I'm sick of my life, as someone else said, but not in a suicidal sort of way. In a "I want to go to sleep for five years" sort of way.
I'd go into more detail but honestly I don't have the time. Unless something journal-worthy comes up, I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Until then, all.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Still urgh.
Music: Pretty Women - Sweeney Tod OST
Talking to: Cilla, Nathan, Froggie, Bean, Craven, Brooke, Kirsty, Merry
Quote of the Day: "If it ain't Brooke, don't fix it." - Nathan

Hurn. Today was alright, considering that it was a half day. Nothing much happened, really. English, I drew a picture. German, I didn't do anything except text Cilla and Merry. Until my teacher noticed that I had my phone out. Normally she's okay with phones and mp3s in class, but I guess she was having an off day or something. Methinks we are going to see The Eye on Saturday? Hopefully it shall happen. And dear, it has Jessica Alba in it. Jealous?

Anyway, as promised I suppose I shall go into the reasons for my irritability.

First off, I suppose I'm going through one of those transitory stages. I thought I was maturing, but I guess I thought wrong. Getting into petty fights because I'm not having the best day, week or month.. I was having another fight with Craven and he pointed out that I was just shunning my friends..
Not entirely true, I only have about five friends in real life, can't afford shun them in plurals. Yeah, I have been irritable, I have been snapping at my friends, and I've been so wrapped up in (for want of a better word) hate that I'd forgotten where that hate even stemmed from. I'm back to acting like a freaking Freshman. Funny, that. Whenever I think I've made progress, something new comes to bite me in the bum. Another reminder that I'm pathetic. Honestly. Well, I suppose that I'm better off being pathetic and knowing it than pathetic and not. Something about the devil you know over the devil you don't?

On top of that, I'm not happy with myself as a person any more. I want to stop swearing. It's slander of the English language when there are so many other words that I could use that are far more cutting. And it's not me. The me I used to be, she didn't swear. I liked her. She was sweet and kind and innocent. And I lost her along the way somewhere. I miss her. She was still me. She was me, but without all the codswallop.
She was me without the vulgarity that comes with the state school influence, she was me when I was nice. I didn't used to be a bitch. I didn't used to be horrible like this. I wish I could go back. Can I re-invent myself? I suppose I can in time.. So from now on, I'm going to be nice. I'm going to pick up my language, my morals. I will be better.

And then there is school. After bludging it for so long, getting As with minimum effort, it's really hitting me hard now. Assignments, exams, homework.. I've come from a sheltered extension program into the mainstream, and it's a shock to the system. I'm out of my depth, I don't understand the work and, for the first time, I am seriously afraid of failing. I need to work something out, because I'm not coping.

Body image? I'd like to lose some weight, yeah. I am overweight, there's no denying that. Like, I'm not obese or anything. But losing some certainly wouldn't hurt.
I was normal weight until I was about fourteen, then I became depressed and got into comfort food.. And although the depression disappeared about a year later.. The comfort eating didn't. I suppose I can't really call it comfort eating any more. Don't need comfort. Well, I do sometimes, who doesn't?
But now instead of being all full of tripe I just find a corner and cry. Screw being the strong one, right? Yeah, I had serious issues and a superman-complex when I was younger. Crying is wonderful.. It's an expression of emotion that just lets everything out.. And makes you feel so much better. Alternatively, I write. Poetry, short stories, journal.. Letting everything out.
Anyway, I got completely off topic on that one. The point is, I'd be much happier with myself if I lost a bit of weight. I had (have?) a nice figure! I want it ba-ack!

Friendships? They are the one thing I am happy with at the moment. I love my friends, and I think I have finally narrowed down to a few good ones rather than a whole group who are not much more than acquaintances. And I've gotten over the whole awkward thing with Ben.. I think I know where I stand now, and I'm okay with that. I'm happy to be 'waiting, dreaming'. Yeah. Anne of Green Gables.
And while I'm here, would-be-brother. There is a difference between liking a song and connecting with it.. Many people, I'm sure, like many songs. But it's never really yours unless you can listen to the lyrics and make the connection between them and yourself. To find a song that sums up exactly how you feel, in its tone, timbre, ideology.. Then it is yours. When you can smile, and frown and laugh and cry with it, it is yours. When you know it, and it knows you, it is yours.
You should really start to listen to lyrics. ^^

Ah, I found something out today. Craven's mother's maiden name is the same as my surname. We're both of Scottish descent. I guess we're distantly related? Maybe even not so distantly. Who knows? Imagine if I was related to Merry and Craven. That would be sweet. So he is my would-be-brother. And Merry is my twin cousin. ><

And to finish on a sickly note, I have two assignment due on Friday. Neither of which I have made significant progress with. Argh. I suppose I'll have to abstain from posting here tomorrow if I'm going to get them done. Well, I'll have more for you at some point, hopefully less whinge-y and silly.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Okay.
Music: Pretty Women - Sweeney Todd OST
Talking to: Cilla, Froggie, Craven, Bean
Quote of the Day: "Read and maaattttchh!" - [German] Teach

Hm. Today was alright I suppose.

I'd meant to do my Biology assignment last night, I set an alarm for 1:00 am, because after Lost I just wanted to go to sleep. I didn't even have the will power to fetch my mum's old laptop from the foot of my bed and put on Memoirs of a Geisha again. Ugh. Well, my alarm went off alright, I remember it going off about five times before I realised that it wasn't down the side of my bed charging, it had full battery and had fallen onto the floor on the other side. So I managed to stumble my way out of bed and turn the stupid thing off. Only, I realised that the stinking machine was set to auto power up for alarm, so I made a "Tchh!" sort of noise and fumbled around in the folds of my covers for where I'd thrown it. Managed to get it on and the alarm disabled within the minute before the dumb thing started up again, thank goodness.
You'd think I'd've been awake after that, but seemingly not. I'd totally forgotten about my assignment that I had to finish off, crawled back under the covers and went back to sleep. Got woken up at almost seven, looked at the sprawl of books on the floor and moaned.
Had toast with Vegemite, would have had to have cereal as my mum is a bit of a control freak like that, but since she was kind of impatient and in a hurry I managed to score a toast-day. I thought I'd have to pull the "But cereal will get caught in the hole where my tooth was" argument, but it was all good. Mm. Toast.
I remember when I had "It's good on toast" as my user title on here.. A couple of months after I'd changed it I was at Froggie's and someone I'd never talked to before went "Oh, Tiger Lily! I know her!" and then typed "It's good on toast" in Al Bhed like I had it in my title. I'd completely forgotten, until we stuck it in the Al Bhed -> English translator. Haha. I can't even remember who it was now..

Oh, yeah, didn't mention that I got that stupid tooth ripped yesterday, did I? Well, I did. The one I got ripped was the milk tooth of the left canine. Yay! It's so good to have the right number of teeth at last! I ran my tongue over the back of my teeth.. And I could actually feel the outline of the tooth next to it. Wows. The milk tooth next to it was all twisted to try to fit in, it was kind of obscuring the lateral incisor on the left side, but now it is all good. Well, except for the fact that the incisor is kind of crooked thanks to that dumb milk tooth. And of course the canine that was meant to replace it is just a bit monged. Haha. So braces for me, which I'm not looking forward to. And Ben!! It's braces. Not bracers. Because spell check doesn't accept bracers. So spell check, wikipedia AND the almighty www.dictionary.com say that I am right. xP

brac·er 1 (brā'sər) Pronunciation Key
n.

1. One that braces, especially one that supports or holds something steady.
2. Informal A stimulating drink, especially of an alcoholic beverage.

And then you look up 'braces'..

7. Often, braces. Dentistry. a round or flat metal wire placed against the surfaces of the teeth for straightening irregularly arranged teeth.

Tee hee. I win. ^^

And seemingly we (Ben and I) will both need to get braces, and will both have the on for the formal, and both due to freaking procrastinating dentists!! Gahh, I hate my old dentist! New one is so much cooler, and doesn't treat me like I am seven. So uncool. Just because I'm short don't mean I'm dumb.

Hrn, what happened today? Well, Merry was back at school. She was yesterday, too, which was good. No more ditching in IPT. Haha. Got my Biology assignment done in class, barely. I was just finishing up my last comment on bias when it was time for the next class. Luckily Starkey got caught by Kat who was asking a question, giving me time to scribble the last couple of words down. Luck-kyy.

IPT was ergh. Got the piss taken out of us by them again. Just because I wanted to sign and anti-KFC petition doesn't mean that you should shut down all my programs, gosh! So in revenge when Ben tried to save all these pictures of KFC meals (Yes, you read right. He was fanboying the pictures of KFC's burger deluxe or whatever tripe they serve there. I'm not even kidding!!) to his USB, I yanked it out of the port.
Well, when Ben tried to watch a television advert for it on Craven's computer, that was just the last straw for anti-chicken people like me and Merry. *reset button*

And when Merry tried to sign the petition, Ben or Craven (I forget which it was..) stole her $170 graphics calculator. They gave the calculator back.. But took one of its batteries! That would have been okay if she hadn't had to do a test today.. So me, loyal and silly as I am, offered to switch one of my batteries of hers. He accepted the switch. I expected to get it back.. But he wouldn't give it to me!! I got it back at the end of the lesson, but I was dubious about my chances beforehand. I mean, when I was thirteen he stole the battery for my mp3 player and kept it for ages, going "Battery, what battery? What is a battery?!" Urgh!
And then when I said KFC was stupid in a new and more insulting way, he gave me the finger! I mean, that isn't uncommon in the state school system at all, even our teachers give people the finger on occasion, but that is meeaann. Over fast food?! Even as a joke, that's kinda sad. I mean, the worst I did when he insulted Laguna (when I was a freaking fangirl), was.. Well, yeah. I think I was probably meaner than he was. I regret it now.
BUT A DEEP AND THOUGHTFUL CHARACTER FROM THE BEST GAME EVER IS NOT THE SAME AS A GROUND UP CHICKEN!! [/rant]

Ugh, I think Merry was kind of being civil to them, or at least on the verge of it, until they brought up that old 'joke' of theirs which really isn't funny and, quite the contrary, is rather hurtful to her to say the least. I wish they would understand that you can't just say sorry and then start making fun or people again the next day. Sorry is meant to mean that you regret what you did and won't do it again. It isn't a copout you use when you think you are going to be in trouble. And honestly, I really don't think they get that we don't take it as a joke. We might have once. But not any more, it's simply a recurring annoyance and turnoff as far as potential friendships (or even freaking civility) goes. And that one 'joke' crossed the line.

Neither of us have exactly had rosy childhoods where teasing and bullying weren't issues, and sad and immature as it might seem, being the butt of every joke with people who are meant to be your friends and who are meant to care about you just digs up old skeletons, and painful ones at that.
I wish that they would get that. We know it's meant as a joke. But we don't appreciate it, and it doesn't stop it from irking us or being hurtful. I wish that they would just back off, for good instead of for a day or two and then slip back into the good old rut of taking the piss out of us.

I'll stop ranting now, haha.
What elllse? I had stuff to talk about written in my school diary, but I can't be bothered getting it. >< Okay, stuff that. I'm getting the diary.
'Kayyy, got it.

Hm, I think I've talked about everything I wrote down. Haha. Oh, except for some funny mistranslations of German.

"Ausflug mit Strafanzeige" was translated to "Flying out with Prisongoat", by my German teacher when she was a German-noob in second year uni. The actual translation, as we learned, was "An Excursion With Consequences". Haha.
And some guy in her year translated "baseball bat" into "Baseball Fledermaus", which means "baseball flying fox", or something to that effect. The animal bat, at any rate. Haha. Silly people.

Well, I stuffed my no-swearing policy before I even left the house today. I thought I'd lost my phone, an almost hissed "****!" escaped me before I even realised it. I went "Gah, dammit!" And clamped my mouth shut. Which sort of hurt, because my gum was bruised from where my dentist gave me novacaine for the extraction. And of course I had to clamp my fingers right on that spot, haha. And I figured "In for a penny, in for a pound" and gave up trying for today. I will start again tomorrow, I think I will get a swear-jar.

Oh, Merry was so funny today.

Merry: *flicks Lily's leg*
Lily: Agh! *clumsily swats Merry's arm/leg* (Her arm was in her lap)
Merry: F***!! WHAT THE F*** IS WITH YOUR HAND?
Lily: Um? I don't know? *swats Merry again*
Merry: F***! What is in your hand?
Lily: *examines hand* Uh, skin?
Merry: It's gotta be iron or something, that HURT!
Lily: Oi, Froggie, lookit my hand.
Froggie: *examine's Lily's hand* It's.. a hand.

(This is kind of funny because Merry hardly ever swears at all.)

My hand was perfectly normal!! And I didn't even hit her hard!! And this is coming from me, who yells in pain and whose hand turns red when she hits Ben. Urhm. What? xD

Anyhow, I can't think of any more, I'll be off now. Take care, all.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Bleagh.
Music: Pretty Women - Sweeney Todd OST
Talking to: Cilla, Froggie, Nathan, Ann, Bean
Quote of the Day: "FAIL!" - Lily

So I failed the math test. Well, I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure I at least came close to it. I think I may have got a D-something, which I guess would be the best fail if it was a D+. To be honest, I didn't really expect much else. Actually, if anything, I expected it to be worse. On a Knowledge and Procedures test, not being able to answer most things isn't very good. It's the Modelling and Problem solving that gets most people, so who knows how I'm going to go on THAT. Ugh.

So I walked out of the exam-block style room and found Froggie and Amy coming out of their Math A exam. I walked up to them, threw my arms wide and proclaimed:
"FAIL!"
They were fairly confident about passing, and Merry who'd just done the same Math B test as me was confident she passed. I was thinking: 'What happened to everyone being fail buddies?!' when we walked past Ben.
"I failed!" I said.
"Me too!" He did that 'rock on' sort of thing.. You know when you stick your index and pinky fingers up while holding the other two down with your thumb? Yeah, that one. Haha. I tried to do a Zell-style backwards thumb-up over my shoulder, but I was holding my stuff, so it didn't really work. Hrn, I should find me hobo gloves and try it again. Haha.
So yeah, that's one Math test down, one to go and an IPT test tomorrow. Wish me luck on that one. *gulp*

Well, I got an A- on my English assignment, about as good a mark as I could have hoped for. Since it was a little bit of a slap-job, and I'd completely overlooked the intertextuality with the Biblical reference to the apple (Pure Poison, "for the seductress within" has to do with temptation, yes? That's what I thought. =P) and such, just went into how there was the intertextual reference to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Funny how my mind leaped straight to Disney. xD

Life at the moment.. I haven't really had to time to sit down and think about it. I think it would be okay if it weren't for exams and assignments and school in general. I wish I could go back four months and live on loop for eternity. That would be sweeeet. But no, life ain't like that, bummer much. And I guess I just have to keep going with it.

Oh, ohh! News, news news. I'm starting to rewrite an old fan fiction of mine, it actually originated from a post I made as a noob here. I think it was my first few weeks back when I was new and still very into roleplaying. That was back before I'd bothered to check the date on last post, ended up bumping a dead roleplay with an intro post in the topic.
After I'd posted it, I looked over what I'd written. Decided to write it all as a fanfiction. I thought it was a good idea, ended up becoming my pride and joy, a three-part fan fiction based on Final Fantasy VIII's next generation. If you know how Bean is with his OB series, that's how I was with my beloved fan fiction.
And since the plot and characters are entirely mine, I intend to work out my own setting and get it published one day, so my rewrite is sort of like a trial version of the new and improved plot. It's evolved a LOT since I first wrote it, characters, settings, plot twists. And my writing style, most of all. It was great a couple of years ago when I first wrote it, but now to read it? I wish I could disclaim it, really. It's awful. I mean, the story is okay. It's fluffy, not much plot. But it's okay.
Now I have plot-depth and more characters and stuff. Yays. So when I get enough done, I may begin posting it here, depending on how good it is.

Hrn, today I went for an X-ray of my teeth. I have an orthodontist appointment on Thursday, already a step closer towards the horrid orthodontia. And when I was looking at my X-rays, I realised that my teeth were all bunched up without any room for the monged canine to come down. I hope that my jaw's wide enough and that my teeth are just out of line.. Because otherwise I might need one of those spacer-things. They put it in and you have to wind it everyday, and it basically pulls your jaw apart so it's wider. OUCH!
But I'll leave the worrying about braces and such until Thursday and I get a professional opinion, so help me God. Meep.

Anyhow, I can't think of any more, so I'll be off until tomorrow. Take care, all.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Oh God.
Music: All Good Things - Nelly Furtado
Talking to: Ben, Liss, Froggie, Nathan, Bean, Ann, Cilla
Quote of the Day: "What if I said something stupider?" - Merry

Urgh, another math test today. No question as to whether or not I failed. Damn..

Hrnmnn.

Goddammit. I'm a whinge. I'm a goddamn self-pitying whinge. I currently want to find a horrid, cold, dirty hole to curl up and die in. Frankly, the epiphany of how horrid I am, I would dearly like to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm horrid, I'm horrid, I'm HORRID, I'm narrow-minded, I'm egotistical, I'm tactless, I'm pathetic. I thought I was maturing, but I still don't know where to draw the line, or how to take other's feelings into consideration. I guess there are more people who can't take a joke than me. Or maybe it never was a joke in the first place. Still doesn't change the fact that I'm selfish and awful though.

"No offense", "I don't want to hurt your feelings" ... Words to those effect are never nice to hear. Funny how as soon as those words appeared, by stomach clenched and I felt physically sick. I knew there was something coming that I didn't want to hear, something that I'd done that was horrible. But, you know, closing the window wouldn't have been helpful at all. Because in the end, they'll probably have said something that you'd want to hear, no matter how much of a bad light it puts you in.

Hear them out, it may seem horrid at first, but they have [someone's] best interests at heart. Maybe not yours. But if they can be bothered to give you such a lecture, they've probably got some interest in your interests, even if it is only that they don't want you to be on the receiving end of an explosion of emotion.

So, you know. In the end, it wasn't offensive after all. More of a learning curve. A really tight one.

Though I suppose you've just got to take what they have to say and learn from it. And, you know, when it hits you in the face like that it's probably better than if you'd waited forever to work it out yourself and screwed up many friendships along the way to enlightenment.
And honestly, I need perspective. I need an objective view on things, or at least a view that isn't my own. I guess I am just narrow minded that way. And the sad thing is, I'm so egotistical that if almost anyone else had said that to me, I'd probably have scoffed and brushed it off as overreaction. Told you I was egotistical. And tactless - horribly so. I wish I could delete half of this journal now, I feel so horrid. Well, I still could, but that won't undo the damage it's done and would defeat the point of even chronicling this at all.

So I really have to be thankful that I have people who aren't afraid to bring me back to earth. Because honestly. I get carried away and make an ass of myself. Funny how it's always you I can trust to let me know when I'm being stupid.
So honestly, thank you. I will change, I won't be so horrible. Sometimes you need a slap in the face with a tuna fish before you wake up to your own stupidity. Thank you for being my figurative fish, though it hurts to know I hurt you. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry.

God... "had the nerve", "knew for a fact"...
****. Thank you for that. I'm awful, I needed to wake up to myself. I do love emotive language - if you can harness it, you can convey anything you want with just the right amount of impact.

And you know what the funny thing is? I'm whinging about self pity and yet, look at what I've written. Self-pity to the max. So what I'm going to take from today? I'm horrid. I'm tactless. And I'm going to stop being pigheaded. "Change is good," as the monkey said.

So to all I have inadvertently [or not so inadvertently? I hope there aren't many who identify with that..] insulted, hurt, or otherwise upset with my idiocy, I'm sorry. I screwed up, I'm not making any excuses for my own stupidity. But know that I am sorry. I'll be different.

Anyway, I guess I'll leave that there and just say: Sorry.

Ugh, I have Biology to finish [start] up. Peace out.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Okayish.
Music: Green Finch and Linnet Bird - Sweeney Todd OST
Talking to: Froggie, Nathan, Fishie, Ann, Bean, Sinny
Quote of the Day: "WHY NECRO!?!?" - Bean

Before I launch into last night's hilarity, I'll tell you this: I failed Math. Yes I did. I got the worst mark possible: An E. I thought I might have scraped a pass on that test, actually. I thought I'd done okay considering my lack of effort previously. But I guess not. I suppose I'll count that as my penance for being so horrid. I hope other people did better than I did.

Anyway, last night I hopped on MSN and a chat window with Bec came up. I don't remember what she said, something about me not responding to something she'd said before when I was at Merry's.

So about five minutes later, she hadn't replied to me saying that I must have missed what she said and a chat window with another girl called Morgan Tiddy came up.

She said something to the effect of "What have you got to say NOW?" I said "Nothing".

Quote:

---

(7:34 PM) Bec: she was talking to u
(7:34 PM) Lily: She's blocked, I don't know what she's saying.
(7:34 PM) Bec: y
(7:34 PM) Lily: I don't plan on unblocking her either.
(7:34 PM) Bec: y
(7:35 PM) Lily: Because I have nothing to say to her. We're not friends, I don't know her.
(7:35 PM) Lily: Why would I bother?
(7:35 PM) Bec: cant take someone thats got better word than youll ever have
(7:35 PM) Bec: were not friends so y do u talk to me
(7:35 PM) Bec: yeah bitch what ya got

---

I said that when I'm bored I talk to people on my list - true. Also the fact that Liss had tried to get us to talk to Bec civilly was a factor. After arguing with Liss last night (Basically she was judging me and telling me that she knew me when I was a better person and now I am going to hell was the gist of it... Hrn.) I talked to Bec, sort of with the need to defy sort of thing. And of course it didn't change a thing. Anyway, back the our three-way chat.

I should probably have left the conversation there, but it got funnier:

Quote:

---

(7:37 PM) Bec: so y do u talk to me
(7:37 PM) Bec: i have never liked u so y start now
(7:37 PM) Bec: Morgan says: so why did you go to church n then quit?

(7:38 PM) Lily: Because I totally want your friendship, Bec. I've never liked you either. Why? Because I talk to most people on my list when I'm bored. Regardless of whether I like them or not.
And I'm sorry if I don't want to discuss my private life with you. It's personal.
(7:39 PM) Bec: you gave up church becasue you turned bi and emo
(7:39 PM) Bec: Morgan says: so maybe she went for a guy cause she though he was hot n then she didnt like him n left

(7:39 PM) Lily: Oh, dear goodness. I'm not that shallow.
(7:40 PM) Lily: And I am not bisexual or emo. Just to clear that up.
(7:41 PM) Bec: as if your not emo
(7:41 PM) Lily: How do I identify with that subculture?
(7:41 PM) Bec: you cuts u wear bandanas up your arms to hide them
(7:42 PM) Lily: Um, I don't have cuts, dear.
(7:42 PM) Lily: And I haven't worn a bandana in who knows how long.
(7:42 PM) Bec: serouiusly you think your the absoulute bes ttalking to me well tell u now your not
(7:43 PM) Bec: becasue u never go to church
(7:43 PM) Lily: Think I'm the best? No, sadly, my ego isn't that big.
(7:43 PM) Lily: And what has that to do with the price of fish?
The nicest and most morally centered girl I know has never set foot within a church.

(7:44 PM) Bec: what are u talking about emo
(7:45 PM) Lily: Oh, emo, a cutting word. I've been more hurt by the word elevator.
What does not going to church have to do with anything emo-related or otherwise, other than my faith and my personal life, neither of which are your concern?
(7:46 PM) Bec: and merry calls herself a christain
(7:46 PM) Lily: Actually, she doesn't.
Why are we bringing her into this?
(7:46 PM) Bec: becasue pretty much the opnly other time i saw u was at church
(7:46 PM) Bec: becasue shes a whore as much as u are
(7:46 PM) Lily: A whore? Oh, lovely. How am I a whore?
(7:47 PM) Bec: how are u not
(7:47 PM) Lily: How am I? I don't dress like provocatively or like a slut, I don't sleep around, I am nothing like a whore.

(7:48 PM) Bec: giving u a warning if morgan sees you she will kick the emoness out of your and u will need your little girlfriend merry to buy u plastic surgury
(7:48 PM) Bec: and it wont be her alone
(7:48 PM) Lily: Alright, love. I'm not emo or bisexual and Merry is not my girlfriend.
(7:49 PM) Bec: she doesn't like bitches who fight over msn and are to chicken to talk to the other face to face

---

After the 'emo whore' thing, I was just sitting there pissing myself laughing. After the 'beat the emoness out of you' I was incapable of anything except a silent laughing fit. Again, probably should have left. Instead, I mentioned it in passing to Craven.

Quote:

---

7:42 PM) Lily: Laugh my effing ass off.
They think I'm into self harm.
(7:42 PM) Craven: INVITE THEM!
(7:42 PM) Craven: DO IT
(7:42 PM) Craven: or invite me

---

This went on for a while longer.

Quote:

---

(7:44 PM) Craven: PLEASE!
(7:44 PM) Craven: NO
(7:44 PM) Lily: Later!
(7:44 PM) Craven: LILY!
(7:44 PM) Craven: NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO
(7:44 PM) Craven: please?

(7:44 PM) Craven: please.
(7:44 PM) Craven: lily.
(7:45 PM) Craven: lily

(7:56 PM) Craven: please add me
(7:56 PM) Craven: just do it
(7:56 PM) Craven: please.

(7:56 PM) Craven: do it.
(7:57 PM) Lily: Fine.

---

So I did.
Then after I'd added him...

Quote:

---

(7:58 PM) Craven: I may have lied
(7:58 PM) Craven: ...jsut a little bit
(7:58 PM) Craven: >.>

---

... Ugh.

Back to Bec and Morgan...

Quote:

---

(7:50 PM) Bec: have u ever seen a bricjk wall
(7:50 PM) Bec: i couldn't care if i get suspended
(7:51 PM) Bec: u woint have teeth
(7:51 PM) Lily: I have indeed seen a brick wall.
(7:51 PM) Lily: And better now than when I get braces.
(7:51 PM) Lily: If I'm going to be toothless I may as well do it before I'll get my lips shredded.
(7:52 PM) Bec: u will have brick wall lines through your face aswell
(7:52 PM) Bec: so u want me to bash u
(7:52 PM) Lily: Not particularly.
(7:53 PM) Bec: y not
(7:53 PM) Lily: Because I'd like to have a face come the end of Tuesday.
(7:53 PM) Lily: But whatever.

(7:53 PM) Bec: well not joking i couldn't care if i get suspended i would rather see u get whtas coming
(7:54 PM) Lily: Whatever.

---

Don't let them know they're getting to you, eh. So I called their bluff and it was pretty funny. Imagine asking if I wanted to be bashed. Hah!
This is after I added Craven in.

Quote:

---

(8:01 PM) Craven: i only ask stupid questions to stupid people
(8:02 PM) Bec: dude your just adding to how hard i'm gonna indent a brick wall to your face
(8:02 PM) Lily: Whatever.
(8:03 PM) Craven: that butch ey?
(8:03 PM) Lily: Seemingly.
(8:03 PM) Bec: you wont be watching youll be unconciuos

(8:05 PM) Lily: And I have a name.
(8:05 PM) Craven: don't call lily a bitch
(8:06 PM) Craven: i speak only the truth
(8:06 PM) Bec: u have a man name

---

A man name? Ohh, burn.
Then Ben signed in and Craven added him. Not the best tactical move, but undoubtedly the best thing Craven did for the conversation.

Quote:

---

(8:10 PM) Lily: At the moment, I'm not much of a Christian at all.
(8:10 PM) Lily: I'll admit it.
(8:10 PM) Bec: well until u start talking to me i'm a much nicer person but your stuck up person you are
(8:10 PM) Ben has been added to the conversation.
(8:10 PM) Bec: at the moment you never where
(8:10 PM) Bec: her boyfriend
(8:11 PM) Ben: wait what?

(8:17 PM) Bec: lily cant stick up so she gets her two lovers involved
(8:17 PM) Ben: Ok, well you are aware i am no longer dating Lily?

---

I can only assume that Morgan asked who Ben was. I still had her on block at that point.

She was damn well aware. I know that for a fact because in an earlier conversation I made a point of using past tense when she made a previous jibe at my sexual preference.
Lily: And I'm pretty sure I had a boyfriend.

I didn't even think for a moment that she seriously thought we were still dating; I made it clear to her and fifty bucks Elissa did too. I mean, she said that Merry was my girlfriend and Craven was my lover. WTF. Reeks of... Bec.
So sorry if you thought I was giving her the wrong impression. I just knew that she was stirring more trouble.

Quote:

---

(8:28 PM) Bec: she started it
(8:28 PM) Bec: and hasnt left me alone
(8:28 PM) Lily: I was quite civil until you started being condescending, thank you.

(8:30 PM) Morgan: ya gurlfrind is online
(8:30 PM) Bec: and let me guess merry is gnna get added
(8:31 PM) Lily: She's not my girlfriend and I will not add her.
(8:31 PM) Lily: How many times.

(8:33 PM) Morgan: n u tihnk ur making wat eva the helll it is loook gud?
(8:33 PM) Morgan: i heard her name was george/lily but idn
(8:33 PM) Lily: Lovely. You don't know my name and you're going to beat me senseless?

(8:38 PM) Ben: so, why exactly is she getting knocked senseless?
(8:38 PM) Morgan: for a start she called me a aboriginal whore
(8:39 PM) Lily: That is a blatant lie.
(8:39 PM) Morgan: one thats racist n no one calls me anything like that
(8:39 PM) Morgan: ur a frigging lie
(8:39 PM) Lily: I would never call anyone anything like that.
(8:39 PM) Morgan: u reckn
(8:39 PM) Lily: Actually, I do.
(8:40 PM) Morgan: i cant believe that

---

After that I was shaking and hyperventilating. I've never been that angry in my life. I was just sitting there breathing raggedly through my mouth, shaking as I did so. The nerve! Anyone who knows me knows that I would NEVER. Never!

Quote:

---

(8:40 PM) Craven: you can't bash her on tuesday, haven't you got a doll payment to collect?
(8:40 PM) Morgan: hehe no
(8:40 PM) Morgan: that comes on friday n i aint on no ****ing doll you stupid dumb ****
(8:41 PM) Morgan: i go to skewl, live at home n have a job
(8:41 PM) Morgan: u stupid ****
(8:41 PM) Craven: professional slut isn't a job
(8:41 PM) Craven: you want to resort to payouts, i can too
(8:41 PM) Morgan: oh so now i am a aboriginal whore & slut
(8:41 PM) Craven: um...didn't I just say taht?
(8:42 PM) Morgan: man u aint gonna b fukin livin soon c***
(8:42 PM) Craven: ooo i'm scared
(8:42 PM) Morgan: i havent called her a slut or anythign liekt hat i called her a bitch
(8:42 PM) Craven: you threatened to bash her
(8:42 PM) Lily: One of the two of you called me a whore.
(8:42 PM) Craven: and you just threatened to kill me
(8:42 PM) Lily: I forget which one of you.
(8:42 PM) Craven: I can report that to the police if I felt like

---

Oh, auto-censoring. It think it just does the f-word (I'd put it in.. But it'd censor me. xD), so I did the c-word myself. I HATE that word. I hate it, I hate it. I never have and never will use it.

Quote:

---

8:50 PM) Craven: wait, this is how this started?
(8:50 PM) Morgan: n private life
(8:50 PM) Bec: yes eaxactly
(8:51 PM) Bec: lily wont get over herself
(8:51 PM) Craven: Different people have different lives.
(8:51 PM) Lily: That's pretty subjective, Bec...

---

And here is Ben's input that eventually got them to shut up and forget about knocking out my teeth.

Quote:

---

(8:14 PM) Ben: ...Cant this be sorted out in a more civil manor?

(8:15 PM) Ben: and how did this start in the first place?

(8:16 PM) Ben: 'whos ya mum' ... while i have no reason to hate either of you ... atm ... i thought those kind of lame attempts at a come back died in year 8
(8:18 PM) Ben: ... and the come backs get worse. How old is Morgan?
(8:18 PM) Ben: Bec's been nice to me, she was my math buddy, so I dont really have a reason to hate anyone here.

(8:19 PM) Ben: Yet, why this childish flinging of insults and stupid come backs started in the first place still eludes me

(8:22 PM) Ben: so basically, there has been a clashing of different personalities and life styles, which has escalated into this.

(8:27 PM) Ben: So, what brought about you guys talking in the first place?

(8:30 PM) Ben: Morgan, no offense, but your not very good support for Bec. Your just belittling her and dragging her down to your level with your childish taunts seeminly coming from a 6 year old.
(8:32 PM) Ben: repeating what she says, and then adding blah blah, is the type of come back when i look after my friends 6 year old. But your here supporting Bec, so really, by doing that, your also making Bec look bad.

(8:38 PM) Ben: so, why exactly is she getting knocked senseless?

(8:34 PM) Ben: Morgan, do you go to a private school?
(8:34 PM) Ben: no, its just private schools are more sheltered.

(8:44 PM) Ben: I cant believe how far this has escalated from a conversation

(8:53 PM) Ben: Religion is religion, the world will never full agree with it with all the cultures, sub-cultures and what not, but getting into religion does start long and never ending debates from my experience
(8:54 PM) Ben: I say you agree to disagree and leave it in the past

(8:56 PM) Ben: I'm fine with that, the whole debate has been kinda fruitless. Debates based on religion will not end, and noone will ever be able to fully prove their point, thats why alot of it is based on faith and belief, but the again, who is to say what you can and cant believe

---

If you look at the timestamps I've taken these from throughout the whole conversation. I'd put them in their respective places... But the responses to them are just too pathetic to even post here. The whole conversation was longer and ruder and even more pointless, so I've cropped it down to the funniest and worst parts. Otherwise this post would be very boring.

So in the end, we agreed never to talk again, pretty much. Which means that I now have no one to pick on when I'm bored. But life goes on. And I find it very interesting that she never agreed not to smash my face in. I half hope she does so she gets expelled. xD
Though that would mean dentures as opposed to braces, which would suck.

Oh. And the 'butch' references are from the fact that she is quite 'big' as well as muscled from BXM biking.

It was sort of funny because I think Craven expected to mediate it by yelling at them or something, but all he did was add fuel to the fire. It was quite amusing though. I didn't put in some of what he said because I'd need to quote beforehand to explain why he said it. Though adding Ben in was undoubtedly beneficial. I mean, they stopped calling me an emo whore at least. Though that was the funniest part of the conversation... ><

Except for Morgan's spelling! I actually had to read it aloud to understand what she was saying. Absolutely hilarious. Froggie's worst nightmare.

Anyway, I hope that amused you. I expect that Froggie'll tell you if I get my face smashed. Take care, all.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Alright.
Music: Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles [Courtesy of Sinny's YouTube linkage]
Talking to: Nathan, Fishie, Ann, Sinny, Sean, Craven, Cilla, Ben, Amy
Quote of the Day: 'What are you doing?' "Thinking." 'Good or bad?' "Chicken." - Merry/Lily

Haven't journal'd in ages. Don't know if it's lack of material or motivation. Whichever, it doesn't really matter. And there is one word that keeps popping into my head: Chicken. ZOMGITSASIGN.

Well, I still failed math. But not as badly as I'd thought. The teacher counted up my score wrongly, I actually got 12 out of 40, not 10. Might not seem like much of a difference, but it's actually the difference between an E and a D. Yay me. I did alrightish on the problem solving, to my surprise. I thought I'd failed... "Happily I was mistaken". Hah.

So I thought I could stay in Math B since it wouldn't take as much work to get a semester pass from a D to a C- [minimum pass]. But my mother had other ideas. Because apparently I would have to work my ass off and neglect my other subjects just to get a 'bad pass' [um, there is no bad pass. C is... Average. =\ ] and I wouldn't be able to get a good OP or the certificate of education. Um, wtf. My results would only be not-great this semester. I don't know what the woman's on about. I think I could handle Math B, I really do. But she'll make my life hell if I don't move down to A like she wants, so to hell with it. I guess it means I don't have to risk failing B and screwing everything over... But still. I think I could do it. I'll feel kind of dumb in Math A, I know I'm capable of more. Not to say that people who do Math A are dumb, not at all. It's just that I should be in B. GAH. But whatever. Switching I am. Urgh.

Hrm, what else? I've finished up all my exams at least. I think I've done okay in all of them but the Math ones. Chem I did pretty well except for a couple of molar ones on the back page, but that's okay. I didn't leave many and I'm sure of what I did. Biology was a lot better than I expected. I think I'll do pretty well in it. German I got an A- in for one of them, be surprised if I get less than that on the second one. English... Hrm. I've got no exams for that, but I do have an assignment. I still need to interview my dad for it. Was meant to have done that over a week ago. Oops. I'll get by though. I hope.

I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, but none of it's really very good. Nothing I'd put in my thread. Maybe if I brushed it up, yeah. But I just can't be bothered. I haven't been doing anything in class either. It's kind of like I've been suffering from a complete lack of motivation in everything. It was almost like I couldn't feel emotion either. Liss's granddad, for example. He died. I couldn't bring myself to care. I was about to fail math, did really badly on the tests, I didn't feel anything until the results came back. But when it hit home that I'd actually failed... It was like my body cavity had turned into a bottomless abyss and my stomach was falling continually, trying to reach the ground that wasn't there.

I really wish I wasn't so happy-go-lucky. It's like nothing really phases me except for actual loss. As long as it 'might happen' or 'is going to happen', it doesn't seem real to me. Only after it's happened and I've stuffed up it really hits home. And if there's no physical consequence, like a flunked subject, then it still doesn't matter. Liss... Losing her as a friend, I just don't care about. Failing math, I do. I wonder if you can train yourself to give a damn...

I was going to write about the flaws of humanity, but I can't be bothered. Maybe later.

We owned some Turkish pervert yesterday. Me and Froggie and Merry pretended to be lesbians together while he wanted to show us... Sexually explicit things over web cam. Then we added in Nathan and Ann. Freaking hilarious, he actually believed us. What a perverted creep. Bean thought he was a bot, it was so repetitive. Lawl! He's blocked now. Kept calling me 'baby girl'. o-0 Runnnnn!

And, and!! I think I may be getting a cat!! My mum is looking at breeds!! YAY!!

Hrmn, not much more to write about, or if there is, I've forgotten it. I'll be off, take care all.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Alright.
Music: Let it all Out - Relient K
Talking to: Merry
Quote of the Day: "KITTIEZ!!" - Lily

I'm pretty bored. Still haven't written much. Hrn.

I showed my mum some ragdolls cats. I think she fell in love with them, she was going on about how cute they were for about half an hour. They ARE cute. I just wanna dunk one in my coffee. But then it would get hurt, so I won't.

I rediscovered coffee a week or two ago. I love coffee. Coffee is GOOD.

So are cats. I really want one, mum said if ["If - if if if if if ifififififif - IF!"] we were getting one, she'd want to get two so they could keep each other company. Schveet. Problem is, they cost about $650 each. But they do come desexed and wormed and flea'd and everything. And it's so worth it; they're adorable.
And not only are they totally cute, they're like dogs, but without the mess or the stink or the bark or the need to be bathed and they don't kill wildlife...
They're so cool. They follow you around and want to sleep curled up next to you and stuff. Loyal cats, booya. Indoor ones, too. No killing of wildlife. Totally non-aggressive, so the furniture stays in tact. What more could you ask for?!

I'm so not obsessed. >_> <_< >_>

Uhrm, school's been okay, I guess. Bit of a bitch getting that English thing out of the way, but I'm glad it's done. No more assessment until next term, and of that I'm VERY thankful.

Friends have been pretty consistent for once. Don't think I rocked anyone's boat of late. That's kind of a pity in Charlie Sloane's case.

Speaking of Charlie Sloane [who is not, in actuality, called Charlie Sloan - I am referring to his AoGG identity], I came to an epiphany a while ago. Anne of Green Gables is the perfect metaphor for my life.
I'm Anne, Merry's Diana Barry, Cilla is Priscilla Andrews [not even intended, she just fit. xD], Elissa is Ruby Gillis [obsessed with her 'beaux' and gets the consumption... Hmm. >.>], German Teach is Miss Stacey... IT FITS, IT ALL FITS!! WTF!! That's so cool.

Anyway, not much to write about, really. Take care guys.

Much love,
Lily.

Mood: Bugger it.
Music: I So Hate Consequences - Relient K
Talking to: Merry, Nick!, Ben [just came on]
Quote of the Day: "You are disrupting the flow of the biscuit." - Random teacher

What is this, Kick The Bucket week?

Froggie, Fishie, now El Wray for God's sake. Why are so many good members leaving? On April Fool's day Ann went on MSN: "I'm leaving TFF." I swear I almost had a coronary. Then she went "April fools!" Thank God.
Of course, with Sinny talking of leaving, he'll prolly go next [and keeping in check with Kick the Bucket week,] followed by Nathan, Omega and half the mods in the place. And knowing the current luck, Setzer would prolly be one of these and then CC would leave and then a whole mass of not-so prominent members would go an no noobs would come and the current noobs would take dominion over the place and Fuzz would just go, "TFF sucks, it's coming down, kk." And that would be the end of it. BGUGUIW BARGHGHHVBFSUJGBNO.

[/end rant]

Members leaving sucks.

I found a Christine Stuart for my Anne of Green Gables people collection too. I was thinking about it as I was drying my hair off and realised that there was one. xD

Hrmn, catching up with Nick has been good. I remember when we used to chat all the time.. Damn, I miss those days. Back when he was at TFF and he and Nathan annoyed the shit out of each other in group chats. Back in the day of "I love Canadia". :(
He asked me about Ben.. Two months on Monday since we broke up. Well, if we're counting by 31 days as a month then it's yesterday. Which, coincidentally, would have marked four months if we were still going out.
Only two months ago? It seems like forever. Or does it only seem like a second? I don't know. Hrmn. *hums teh song*
Yeah, talking to Nick was really good.

It's the school swimming carnival today. As Johanna said [in The String of Pearls: A Romance - which was the original novel of Sweeney Todd. Well, actually it was a serial that ran in a newspaper ages ago that was then adapted into a novel...] "Indeed, I care so little for them [them = the swimming carnival >.>] that it could be said to amount to nothing." Like I want to spend a day getting sunburnt when I could be sitting here. Psht. What kind of nuts run the school anyway?

Hmm. I really want to go to out somewhere. Go out somewhere and buy something that will very much disturb and/or disgust two of my friends. Need. Want. Crave. I think I've been corrupted.. Not necessarily a bad thing though.. Hmn. >.>

Anyway, I'm pretty bored, someone interesting needs to get online, Merry needs to get BACK online and my butt hurts. I'm going to eat lunch.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Ouchies.
Music: Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
Talking to: Nathan, Ann, Bean, Craven, Froggie, Yunie Lover
Quote of the Day: "A rubber chicken! That's it, I can use a - I don't have a rubber chicken..." - Lily

Wow. I haven't posted in here for ages. I dunno why. Lack of material I guess. Nothing very interesting's happened. I've just been doing nothing, as usual, I guess.

Bumming around, playing games. Got a couple of new Zeldas to play. Ocarina of Time. Oracle of Seasons that I never finished. And of course I'm working on FF VI. Been reading my Sweeney Todd novel. It's good, really good.

Went back to school today. Just what I always wanted. Had a German speech today. Didn't do it. Still haven't done it. Don't really care.
Got spacers, too. Getting braces next Wednesday. The spacers hurt. I can't eat anything without it hurting. I just can't wait to get the braces. Not.

How have I been? Okay. Hung out with Merry and Froggie on the holidays. That was really great. I'm actually serious when I say that; it was great. Just clearing up, the tone of the rest of this isn't exactly inspiring.

I'm having a crappy day. So sue me.

I should really be doing my German assigment. Oh well. I'm looking at Cilla's English assignment.. It's pretty ffsshh *waves hand quickly over top of head* I'm kind of stumped in English, for the first time in my life. Even WITH a plot overview. Oh, German, how I do loathe thee.

I felt like crying today. Can anyone tell me why? PMS is out. Maybe it's these stupid spacers making me irritable with the constant niggling pain. Ugh.

Charlie Sloane's a muffin. I hate him. Funny how such polar opposites can stand side by side. Hrm.

I'm pretty bored. Tired, too. Didn't get much sleep last night at all. Two hours, tops. I ate dinner and a couple of chips today. Hungry. Thirsty, too. Kind of worn down. I feel kind of down. I don't know why.

I just wish.. I wish I could have some of my time over, you know. Just to relive it, maybe make more of it than I did. Silly me, I took too much for granted. Oh, lordy. Oh, lordy indeed.

And there's just this fear that I'll never be able to go back. It scares me stupid, to be honest with you. I'm just so scared that things will change.. I don't want change. I want.. I want.. Just.. Just one more day. Is that childish of me, I wonder? Just to have things the way they were? For one day?
Would a day be enough, though? I don't know. My mother always told me I was selfish. Selfish, greedy, deceitful, what kind of person are you anyway, Lily?
I don't know. I just... Just... Miss you.
Is that... Bad?

Don't get me wrong.. I don't want to set a guilt trap or anything. I just need to get it out in writing. I guess that's all I really wanted to do with this entry. Get it all out, let it all out...

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Indifferent
Music: Cannonball - Damien Rice
Talking to: Cilla, Merry, Laura
Quote of the Day: "People? There are no people. What are people? They don't exist. I am in a bubble. I am in the Matrix." - Lily

Today was slightly better.

Got to school later than normal for a Wednesday. Decided "Screw this" and sat and did nothing. I'd intended to do my German assignment before school, but there just wasn't time. So I sat there look reproachfully as Mak and Justin came down. Must have been Justins birthday or something; Mak pulled chocolates (Cadbury Roses) out of her bag and gave them to him along with a card in an orange envelope.
"Aw, you didn't," said Justin. He kissed her on the top of the head. "I love you."
I wrinkled my nose and looked at my hands, scowling, the sour bitch I am.

Got to German and I had to explain my lack of assignment. I said I'd lost all my palmcards but three - which was true. There just weren't enough to make up a whole speech in the first place. Didn't have my USB so I couldn't print, I'd have to do it on Friday.
I think she knew I was bullshitting, and she knew I knew so it's all good. Anna called my a douchebag though. Me "forgetting" meant she had to present sooner. Ah well. German Teach is the best. Now I just gotta get this sucker done..

Half day today. Goodie. I found my longer chain for my necklace so that was good, I guess. Didn't have to take it off to get into the Assembly without being harassed. Sat with Merry, like I usually do. Made a point of avoiding Liss. I've really come to hate her.. There was this odd moment, though. I was looking behind me at Ben, and I remembered a dream I had the night before. Not so much remembered.. Like a still frame from it just sprung to mind. Piercing blue eyes.. I jerked and gasped. It was such a clear, lucid image, too.
Odd indeed.

Then I got home and went to bed. Yuck. Dreamt that I kissed Sweeney. [I'd gladly let you have that dream, Cilla. xD] Only.. He was nicer, more like Benjamin Barker than Sweeney Todd. But he looked like the latter. I woke up feeling filthy.

You know what made me "o-0"? One Royal Gardner. Where does he fit in in my Anne of Green Gables allegory, I wonder. Well, I'm not like Anne in that respect. Screw Roy. He can go and shove his head up a dead bear's bum. Like Charlie.. -_-;

And randomly and completely unrelated... Haha, Laura cottoned on. xD

Anyway, I have to be off, chickens. Will write later.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Procrastinating.
Music: Can You Feel The Love Tonight (Radio Version) - Elton John
Talking to: Cilla, Nathan, Drake, Froggie, Callum
Quote of the Day: "Frick on a stick." - Emma

So I STILL haven't done that German. Frick on a stick.

I got a filling today. Screw tooth coloured, ones. I has silver. Oldskool ftw. Stupid dentist, though. Fricking hell. He shoots me up on the local dope and then leaves me for a few minutes while he talks to my dad. Then he asks me if it's numb and I say "Not really" so he tells me to put up my hand if it hurts and drills anyway.
It hurt. Not enough for me to 'put my hand up', but it was a dull sort of ache. Then halfway through I really needed to pee. Then he had to put the spacers back in which took forever since he didn't have the right tool. First thing I did when I got home was run for the toilet. Bastard-man.

School was okay today. Got new math timetable. I'm in Froggie's class! Yay! We sat and did nothing. Well, we went through Froggie's "Sex and Self Esteem" surveys. There were no virgins! Which meant that Froggie's report would say that all of the students were having sex which.. Isn't right. XD So there was some ugly grade eight virgin hunting to be done.. Though I have a sneaaaking suspicion that Craven was asked to do or saw the survey, since he asked me if I'd had sex when me and Merry were going to see the guidance lady about getting Merry out of Math C. [The answer was 'no', if you were wondering. Hopefully that wasn't a suprise.. o.o;]

And you know what? I am ****ing sick of people going on about how I "love" Merry. ****ing hell. She. Is. A. ****ing. Friend. I'm sorry I'm in her company so much. I'm sorry that there are only three people in the fricking school that I give half a damn about. So lay the hell off you bastards. I don't care if it's a joke. It's. Not. Funny. -_-

I think I was going to say something else. I forget what it was though...

Anyway, kick-off time approaches, and I don't mean that as a football term. I'm off, guys. Toodles.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Quite happy.
Music: The World Leader Song - Scared Weird Little Guys
Talking to: Cilla, Jacob, Merry, Sean, Ben, Bean
Quote of the Day: None so far, so let this suffice: There is a Tetris movie trailer. Roflwafflez? Yeah. 'Nuff said.

I'm in a really good mood at the moment. I got my German thing done. Bludged off in all my other classes to write it, presentation didn't go too badly either. The impromptu bit was a bit "Errrk" but I hope I'll get an allowance because my teacher didn't write enough questions and had to stop the filming of it. Silly Teach. We were totally bagging her as she was writing some more and she put her hands over her head and went "Shut upppp!"
We're gonna go to this spifty German ice cream shop on Tuesday. It sells spaghetti eis. It's vanilla icecream put through a mincer-y thing so it looks like spaghetti and it's long and thin and stuff and then they put strawberry sauce on the top to look like spaghetti sauce. I can't wait - epic yumz.

So I got the German thing done which was awesome. VERY happy-making. Got my report card too.. Which was okay. Well, I passed Biology. Barely. A C-. I think mum may kill me, though. I think I mentioned before that she considers a C- a fail even if it's technically a pass. I think I'll get the "Your grades have done NOTHING but drop since you went to that blasted school" Ner ner ner ner. Oh well. Whatever. I'll do better this term. I'll pass math at least. Seriously. I won't tell you what we're doing because you won't believe I'm in grade eleven. XDD

So yeah, today was pretty good all up. Didn't talk to people I didn't want to talk to, avoided all those stupid bitchy girls. German done, bludged math [seriously, I LOVE Math A.] and Biology was pretty easy. There's this really icky bathtub they've got near the science block, it's got all sorts of stuff in it. You'd prolly get your hand eaten by something if you stuck it in. o.o
We were learning how to measure stuff about the environment for our field study, so we were taking temperatures of stuff. We had to do running water for one, so we went into the bathroom. Froggie was reading this conversation written in a toilet stall. Two girls [well it was the girl's bathroom, so I can only assume] were talking about the pill. They thought it stopped menstruation.. Noooo. Regulates it, you dumbasses. I know; my sister's on it. XD

Oh, oh! At the end of school I was waiting for Laura and Callum so I could tell Callum I wasn't going to the movie night at his place. Laura's bag was there, but she wasn't. So I stood there and waited. Was staring into space, then Ben came. I turned around and he asked me what I was doing.
"Not much.. Waiting for Laur- What the hell?!"
Her bag was gone. It was there thirty seconds ago. Then it was gone. And I didn't even see her. Disappearing bag omgwtf.
It was really good, even if it was just for a minute or so, to talk.

Today was sweeeeet. I was so happy by the end of it that I sang stridently and loudly on the way home. Started off with By the Sea, then I couldn't remember the next line. So I moved on to A Little Priest. Then I couldn't remember if royal marine came after poet or not. So I moved onto Pirelli's Miracle Elixir. Forgot verse three.
I was taking a shortcut and there's this big hill that a footpath leads up [like, it joins a cul-de-sac and the street that mine comes off of], and when I got to the top of the hill I was randomly inspired to sing "I Have Confidence" from The Sound of Music. So I ran down it hollering:

I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN SUNSHINE,
I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN RAIN,
I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT SPRING WILL COME AGAIN,
AND BESIDES WHAT YOU SEE I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN MEEEE!

That was epic fun. I got funny looks for the Sweeney Todd songs. My area's kind of quiet and I was almost home before I started singing I Have Confidence so no one was even there to look oddly at me. Haha.

Today was.. A nice day. Cool and showery. Not much work. Assignment done and dusted. Happy-making encounters and roflwafflez with the bag of disappearance. And odd looks ahoy with the singing. xD

Hm, I'm listening to some of Voltaire's stuff. It's really good. Anyway, I can't really think of much more, so I'll leave off here. Bye chickens.

Much love,
Lily

Mood: Good.
Music: Think of Me - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Talking to: Ben
Quote of the Day: "Someone with a puerile brain." - Firmin and Andre, PotO

So. Since I last wrote, there've been three big-ish things.

One: I saw The Phantom of the Opera on stage.
Two: I got braces.
Three: I dyed my hair. Purple.

Phantom was absolutely incredible. Awe inspiring. Gorgeous. A true masterpiece. Anthony Warlow played the Phantom, and he was just superb. Truly beautiful to watch. The girl who played Christine - Ana Maria (or something to that effect) was a little distant and didn't have that childlike innocence that Christine's character really demands. Though, that said, she did make me cry when she sang Think of Me. It's such a gorgeously nostalgic song. I can identify with a few of the songs she sings. Oh lordy, the one she shares with Raoul is so so beautiful. All I Ask of You is its title. It's the sort of thing that everyone dreams of singing - and meaning. I've the second down pat, it's the first that gets me. Lordy, I love it. Now, if only I had a wider range I could sing it properly. Not that I can sing well, but it's the thought that counts. Hah. I do love that song.
All I Ask of You, Think of Me and Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again rank in my top ten songs now, easily.
I've obtained a new object of obsession. Namely Vicomte Raoul de Chagny. Who, by the end, should technically be Marquis Raoul de Chagny. But no, the silly people obviously don't know their heraldry. Either that or they've omitted that small fact because it would confuse their audience. If that be the case, woe to the ignorant audience.
Raoul is the new Laguna. Seriously.

Bah, I still have the Phantom soundtrack stuck in my head. We're thinking of chasing the show to Sydney - its next destination - to see it again. Man. It's worth it. And I want to yell "I love you, Raoul!" at the end next time. I chickened out, though I did let out one heck of a fangirl scream. About five curtain calls and a standing ovation. Lordy, did they deserve it. Wanted to go to the last show, which started about an hour and twenty minutes ago. But Anthony Warlow doesn't do matinée shows, and his alternative, from what I've heard, isn't that good.
Alexander Lewis - Raoul, of course - is super hot. Patrick Wilson, who plays him in Joel Schumacher's 2004 release of the film, isn't so "hot". But he does have a certain charm about him and is quite good looking, if not in the "typical" way. As Raoul, he's better. His voice is softer and milder which suites his character better whereas Alexander's is deeper and less gentle.

Anyway. I'm not writing this to obsess over Phantom of the Opera. xD

Braces. Got them last Wednesday. They still hurt when I try to eat anything that isn't strictly mush, as I was warned they would. Though to my credit, so far I've managed to eat a muffin, a sandwich, pasta, chicken and rice, pancakes, McDonald's chips and jersey caramels. The rest has been puree or yoghurt. Ugh.

My purple hair was acquired by purchasing a $4 dye from a chemist and venturing to the nearest public bathroom in the shopping center. Dylan, who was with us, had to wait outside while Froggie slathered my head with the stuff. Dyed my ears and my neck in the process - along with the collar of one of my shirts. Then we stuck a plastic bag over my head and slapped a beanie over that. Bella. Walked around a bit more, got McDonald's and then went to a new bathroom. Had to get Dylan to fetch a plastic cup from the food court that was right near the bathroom. (They charged him 20c - cheap much.) Rinsed it some more. Then from behind I heard this voice:
"Not dyeing hair, are we girls?"
"No," said Froggie. "We're rinsing it out. There was a little more than we'd thought in it, so we had to get it out."
The lady talked to another with a walkie-talkie. Something about C1 and C3. Not a clue what that meant.
"Well, you'll have to finish that up soon, girls."
"Okay," Froggie said as I said "Alrighty."
Rinsed it a little more.
"Girls." More walkie-talkie-ing. By then there were two of them. There may have been two from the start. I don't know.
"Okay."
Dried my hair with paper towels, trying to get the worst of the water out of it.
"Girls, finish up now." She was pulling the you'd-better-do-it-or-you'll-be-in-trouble-young-lady tone. We scarpered. They were looking at us disdainfully as we did so. Oh noes. Not.
And that is how we got kicked out of a bathroom by security.
I'll get some photos of it up soon. If you have MSN I can show you. Only a ten wash dye, though.

Math sucks. Got an assignment for tomorrow which has to be done so we can do the in class component. Needless to say, I haven't started.
I'll be off to do math now, dears. Sorry this hasn't been a very good entry. xD

Seeya later,
Lily

Mood: Okay.
Music: All I Ask of You - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Talking to: Rocco, Jacob, Craven, Koray the Turkish Pervert [lordy, he's fun to mess with.]
Quote of the Day: "CHEATERS!" - cross country participants

Yuck, cross country today. Merry and I had fully intended to wag it and scarper off home after getting our names marked so we wouldn't be marked as absent (and truanting). Only we never found the person who had our role and by the time the cross country was about to start, we couldn't work out how to get away without being noticed. So we ended up walking it with Froggie, to whom I was tied together at the wrist. Her jumper served as the rope. So when the opportunity arose (about half way through the course), we bolted down a hill between a couple of trees making a run for it. Froggie was going to miss her bus, as she was achey and couldn't walk very quickly - so we tried to cut out a bit of the course to get her back in time. Then a horde of boys screamed blue murder and hollered "CHEATERS!".
The teacher who was meant to be preventing such mishaps turned around and called "You three! Girls!"
We kept running until we reached the track below, where Froggie slipped and fell on her bum. (I think. Mayn't have been the bum.) We stopped and went to see if she was okay, when Merry noticed that the teacher was sprinting up the track, along the path that he must have thought we'd run along. Lordy, the hilarity. As if we'd cheat to win the race. Three girls in normal school uniform, in plain leather gripless shoes, are going to sprint for the finish line. Yessir. You're absolutely correct. Not.
We were about to start off walking when Mel (this quite shocked me) came up to us as showed us a blue mark on her hand. Told us that they've a checkpoint now, and you have to get a mark as proof you've passed it by the time you reach the next teacher or you're sent back.
And so we walked back. We were epic fail. We couldn't even cheat right. Damn this new checkpoint. Damn teachers. Damn it all. And especially damn having distinctive hair. Two purple haired girls are quite inconspicuous, of course. >>

We finished last, after all that. We'd planned on escaping by re-entering the school long enough to grab our bags - but alas! There was a teacher exactly where we'd planned on sneaking in. Froggie did get her bus in the end, I think. Merry came over to my place and we sang Epiphany very loudly on the way. Fun. Then we stopped a few streets from my house and sat down on the grass (me) and in the gutter (Merry). It was comfortable - even in the gutter, I'm told - and relaxing. Then we went home and mooched around for a while.

Not much's been happening, really. Oh! Well, I did that math thing - with the carpark, you remember? Got it done minutes before the second part (done in class) commenced and Part B was.. Insanely easy. So easy that I think I may have failed. Because it's so easy that I must have missed something and gotten it wrong.. Hope not. xD

Got my result back for German. B+. Wheww. Better than I expected, really. This will keep me in the VHA (Very High Achievement) range for my OP. Excellent. ^^

I can't get Phantom out of my head. The soundtrack seems to stick.

"The Phantom of the Opera is here... Inside my mind!"

Seeya later,
Lily

Mood: Fairly good.
Music: Pictures of You - The Last Goodnight
Talking to: Ben, Rocco, Shadowknight, Marky
Quote of the Day: "Angel of Music... You deceived me." - Christine, PotO

That quote makes her sound like a child. She's the sort who's "not a girl, not yet a woman", and she looked so innocent and naive as she said it. I don't know. I just felt sorry for her.

Life has been good these last few days. VERY good. We have a hilarious teacher for IPT now. Our normal one went away on long service leave, and the new one is, well.. Squeaky. Put it this way: if you gave her helium, her voice would be out of the audible range. She also has a speech impediment, which makes her even more funny.
It's probably horrid to laugh at her since she's probably had some accident or a tumor or something that impacted her speech. But if that's her natural voice I am not going to stop laughing. Ever.

This first lesson was particularly wonderful due to the immediate absence of one abhorrent allegorical character. I don't think that made sense, but blah. I care not. Also to the immediate addition of one "ambrosial smell". I've been told I was being "obvious" in "checking him out". Kk.. >>;

The second one was almost as good. Bahaha. That lady is hilarity on a stick.

Oh, oh, OH! I think I may actually be going to see Phantom in Sydney. My sister has a wish to make from the Starlight Foundation (who grant sick or disabled children a wish), and she wants to use it to see The Phantom of the Opera again on stage - and meet the cast!! Which means that - if she invites her family! - I will get to meet Alexander Lewis and Anthony Warlow. And, um, Warlow is a HUGE name in Australian musical theater. And Alexander played in Sweeney onstage. AND he's super-hot. Not that I'm shallow. But he IS. So I'm super excited. I really hope she opts to take family. I will have to kill her if she doesn't. Or find some asbestos and WALLOW IN IT. Seriously. I NEED to see that again.

MSN, you're a bloody wonder
How I've lived without you all these years I'll never know!

Seriously. That program is ace. I've had some of the most influential conversations of the last six months over MSN. Scary to think that for one little program, my life could be very different. I'd rather not think about it, actually. ><

Oh! I got a frying pan! One day too late, Froggie and Merry. (Not that we really had time to eat them.) I had pancakes for brunch today. Yums!

I made my mother cry today. She wanted to know why we (sisters and I) couldn't be nice to each other instead of teasing all the time (although she called us malicious). Then she accused me of not having a personality and just played the appropriate role according to whom I was with at the time. So I just sat there and looked MPO* while my sisters sat looking blank. Then her eyes started to water and she said she just wanted to know why three people she loved couldn't get along (kind of choking as she said it) and went off to make coffee. I should have felt satisfied, considering I was so pissed but I just felt horrible. Suck-fest.

Some skin on my tongue peeled off today. It was kind of spongy and funny. At first I thought some pancake or something had gotten stuck, but I looked in the mirror and it was skin. Blue skin. Asked my mother about it later and she said that sort of thing happened when you burnt your tongue (which I hadn't done) or sucked hard things like lollies. That fitted. Froggie bought 40 Ghost Drops (hard lollies that you suck) the day before yesterday and we ate them. Also explained the odd hue of my tongue. So I peeled it all off and now my tongue is normal again. Yay!

Also, my braces have stopped hurting. This means I can eat normally again, except for some chewy or tough things that I have to bite with my molars. I look funny when I do this as I have to stick it in the side of my mouth to bite.

I finished the book I bought from Borders a couple of days ago. This is All by Aidan Chambers.
First person. Memoirs. Raw. Open. Blunt. Creative. Artistic. Beautiful. Entrancing. Honest. Realistic. Heart breaking.
A nineteen-year-old writes her memoirs from age fifteen to nineteen - writes her story for her unborn daughter. Includes poetry, philosophy, a narrative. Love, lust. Details her life and mind. You experience her, you are her. The characterisation.. is amazing. Even its format is unique. In one of the 'books' - it is split into six, one expanding on each diary she kept - the left pages (a) tell one apsect of her life while the right pages (b) tell another. Tripped me up as they didn't follow on, but then I realised what was going on.
When I got the the sixth book, I cried the whole way through. For about an hour, maybe more - the time it took me to read it - I just sobbed. I won't spoil, in case anyone wants to read it, but it's insanely beautiful. So well compiled, too. It could have been a complete flop, going out on a limb like it did, but it was amazing.

Have I told you I've gotten the laptop back? Still no internet, but a decent computer is definitely a good thing.

Anyway, I can't really think of anything else to say so I'm gonna leave off now.

Seeya later,
Lily

*Mega Pissed Off

Mood: Not bad.
Music: Learn to be Lonely - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Talking to: Rocco, Nathan, Ann, Bean, Fishie
Quote of the Day: -

Haven't written in a while. Not really much to write about. Still, I should try to write more anyway. Even if nothing much has happened.

I've got a new sig again - and I'm beginning to hate Photoshop Elements 5. We've CS3 at school and it's a DREAM! Oh lordy, the magic wand.. it's a wonder. It's magnificent and quick to use and accurate and oh my god, I WANT it. I want that little brush. <3 But I can't work out where you change the brush style in CS3. I wanted my blood brush to make a Sweeney, but I couldn't find the Wet Media. Or Dry Media. Or anything. Just default brushes. =\ Ah well. What's the help file for, after all.

German went surprisingly okay. We were allowed dictionaries, so most of my literary troubles melted away. It was just the fact that I hadn't actually seen the movie I was meant to be reviewing that troubled me... >>

Life's not been too bad. I've an English assignment to write for Monday, but that's about the bulk of it. And Biology and IPT, but they're in school assignments so it's all good.

Oh, I've been listening to the Phantom soundtrack in German. It's... nice.

Like I said, not much to talk about, really. Just letting you know I've not forgotten you, I guess. Haha. Peace out.

Seeya later,
Lily

Mood: Worn.
Music: Die Musik der Nacht - Andrew Lloyd Webber (German Film OST)
Talking to: Nathan, Ann, Nick, Fishie, Bean, Ed, Steven
Quote of the Day: "Well...um, Froggie made me, Lily. It was date rape!!!" - Fishie

Meh. This entry will be a whinge - I suppose I'd better warn you in advance.

Thursday:

My mother really pissed me off. I was talking about something or other to her, mindlessly, really (I think I was telling her who I thought might be going to the city on Sunday), and out of the blue she started giving me the 'You Can't Wait Forever' talk.

"You know, he's got the best of both worlds. He's not obligated to you, but he's still got you hanging on a string."

I was about to interrupt disdainfully at this point, but she continued.

"You can't wait for him forever - you don't know when - or if - he'll ever want more than that. You don't know that he won't see another girl or just not want to pick it up again - and then you'll be angry that you wasted all those years waiting. You can't just hang on blindly waiting for an unspecified amount of time on the off-chance that he'll come around. You wait for years and blind yourself to other possibilities as you do so."

I don't remember what I said exactly, something about it being very unlikely that there'd be anyone else to be 'blind to'. She sighed.

"Look," she said. "I like Ben."
I love him.
"But what doesn't seem likely can still happen. I'm just warning you that you shouldn't wait around. Seems he's got the better end of the deal while you're left hanging..."

Blah-dee-blah-dee-blah. I know she likes Ben and she trusts him. I know she does. Wouldn't have let me stay over at Callum's if she didn't. She just... I don't know. She just what? What is it that's got her? What is it..? I don't know. I don't care either.

I was über pissed. Years? For the love of God, it's not been four MONTHS yet. And exactly who the hell does she think she is?
Merry advised me to: "Tell her to get the hell out of your life and give her the finger. ^^".
My God. Who the hell does she think she is, passing judgment like that. And not only did she leave it at that, to conclude another conversation, she said "Anyone who wants to 'take time out' from a relationship should be taken with a pinch of salt; you don't want to be left on the ice."

I sat on the couch, glowering at the armrest for about an hour, texting Merry angry and possibly slanderous messages. I was pissed. The nerve. My God. D=

I'm sorry if I'm not interested in 'moving on' or whatever the hell it is she expected. Lord, if there was anyone else I fancied I've already been sworn to at least asking them out. So feh. I'm not tethered, contrary to what SHE'd like to believe. Pt-fft.

Thursday was a bad day. I got my English oral done, mind, so that was alright. I stuttered a little and got confused over some words (I said "parent's victims", then thought for about five seconds making faces before I corrected myself to "victims' parents") and my legs would not stop shaking. It was terrible. >.< But I guess it could have been worse - my voice was fine and all, it was just my legs that gave away my nervousness. Feh. (I found out today that I got a B overall. Meh. Could have been better, could have been worse.)

Thursday night, I looked at some acting courses. I've been thinking about theater for about a year now, but never so seriously as after I saw Phantom. I saw those people on the stage, throwing themselves into the roles so wholly and I knew that was what I wanted to do. I'm not, on the whole, bad at acting. I owned my class last year as Juliet during character in-roles. I'm not going to pretend that I'm particularly good, either. But I want to be, and I think that with some training I could be. I found the Actors Conservatory and had a look. Four semesters of study, a couple of days or nights a week. You get a diploma at the end of it: The Advanced Diploma in Screen & Stage Acting. You only have to have completed school to grade ten level, so I'm considering joining for the third quarter this year. You have to audition, but it's not make or break. It's more just a gauge of where you're at - so you get in no matter. And it'll give me some points towards the QCE. So I can afford to flunk Biology. I'm kidding, I think. ><;
But yeah, if I were to go into acting, it would be stage. Film and TV give you too much publicity. And theater is more refined, too. Less shit going on with it and all. Or if there is shit, it's not publicized, which really only reiterates my point. xD

Friday:

I don't remember much about Friday. It was a bit of a nothing day. I think. I remember that mum put her foot down on going to meet Cilla again. That pissed me off too. She really wasn't doing much for me last week. I was so excited. I wanted to see her again, BUT NO. I cannot wait until I am eighteen. Or have my license. Whichever comes first. Probably eighteen with the prowess I'm likely to have in driving. >>;

I also did jack all in IPT. That's about all I can remember.

The Weekend:

Don't think I did anything. Meh.

Monday:

As above.

Tuesday:

I actually tried to work in IPT. I was doing my logo for the website I've got to make. But Photoshop was being an EPIC bitch. The transparency was all screwy and I didn't know how to fix it and ugh. Elements was so much nicer when I got home.
But yeah, I spent the whole damn lesson trying to get that stinking dog to go transparent on my nice purple background. Pfaw!
Craven tried to tell me to put it on a new layer, but I tried that about a million times. Ben's suggestion (put in in MS Paint and erase stuff) was less helpful still. Though, the lesson was very fun. Andand! For once in my life, I think I actually managed to inflict pain on someone other than myself that lesson. I'm... shocked.

Wednesday:

Got some of my IPT done. The dog worked. Yay! But Sculder. Ew. Not much to write about today. I can't wait for that X Files movie. But my God. EW.

Oh. I got new colours on my braces. Silver and Violet. I swear to God that was unintentional. But cool all the same.

I'm going to go now. I have some football to watch. And possibly some regurgitation to do. MULDER AND SCULLY FOR GOSSAKES!! Fanfiction is sick and twisted for condoning this sacrilege.

Seeya later,
Lily

P.S. People that I'm emailing and offlining on a regular or semi-regular basis: I'll get back to you tomorrow. I've not had time tonight. Hope you read this.

Mood: Not too bad..
Music: Down Once More/Track Down This Murderer - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Talking to: Fishie, Cilla, Nathan, Bean, Ann, Steven
Quote of the Day: -

I'm surprisingly awake. Stayed up until twenty to four this morning doing my IPT assignment. It was insane. I started at midnight, finished at about 3:15 am, then couldn't sleep for a while. The assignment was relatively crappy, but at least it's done. I'd say I'll pass it. Maybe a C. I don't really have high hopes for it though. The website I made looked okay but the content which, sadly, is the main thing being assessed, is sadly lacking. Meh. I'm sure I'll live. I hope they don't catch me out on bullshitting them with the programs I made the pages in. I mean.. I made them in the right programs for the most part, but the final copy was saved as a Word .html. So yeah, I'm a little edgy about that. It was just easiest to get them all looking the same in Word. If only I had Dreamweaver at home. That thing is awesome. It is also, sadly, expensive.

I got my Biology assignment back today. I got a B. What the hell?! I mean, I'm not complaining. But really. I did jack all on that. I made half of it up. It was a bigger load of tripe than my IPT assignment. That's fricking awesome. So.. That means that if I can get an A on the exam (I'll need to study, no doubt there), I might be able to get my semester grade up to a B. I should really do that. Since I almost failed last term. Huh.

I've got a German reading test on Wednesday. I'm not really fussed about it. I do nothing in German and pull As. Should probably learn some vocabulary though or I won't get it. Should also do some Chem homework so I remember this molarity business for the exam. Pfeh.

Can't really think of much to write. Meh. Sorry about the bore.

Seeya later,
Lily

Mood: Okay
Music: Dein Weg ist Einsam - Andrew Lloyd Webber (German OST)
Talking to: Craven, Steven, Ben, Froggie, Bean, Fishie
Quote of the Day: It was something Kane said. But I forget exactly what it was.

I was going to say something, but I tried to translate a line of my song and I forgot what it was. Oh well. I'd say that this entry will be... abstract.

My God. My left eye has been KILLING me these last two days. Itchy as HELL. Not a tame little itch, like the normal ones you get in your eye or in the tear duct. This was the mother of all goddamn eye itches. It will NOT leave me alone.
BAH! vndsjakvberugrei ghugqer8bxmvbnsavsb897 t893wg gejbsjabk

It angers me. A LOT. It's alright now, but I will bet any of you fifty dollars that it will be back by the time I go to bed. I'll make fifty smackeroos, but I'll be pissed. So I guess it's a decent compromise. I - Oh crap. It's back.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Went to a careers convention with Merry on Saturday. It wasn't too bad, actually. Picked up a whole load of Prospectuses for some universities and such. And got free lollies. And PENS. We went around collecting pens from all the different stalls. That was fun. Though, we did have to listen to a Catholic Education lady, some trades guy and a meat processing woman to get some of our pens. Some of them we just walked up and took. The people at the stall looked all hopeful at getting someone to talk to, then their faces dropped when we just took a pen and left. Haha.
Another stall (ANZ), I just walked up and went "Nice pen," while examining it. They said if it was nice I'd better have one and gave it to me. Whee.
(I got twelve pens in total. Plus two rulers, seven lollies, two erasers and a loaf of bread. Yes, bread.)

But yeah, I've been looking through the prospectuses and I'd say I'll be going to QUT or UQ. QUT's got some really good courses. Bachelor of Fine Arts (Creative and Professional Writing) and Bachelor of Fine Arts (Acting) are looking good from there. UQ, I'm still looking at. They don't seem to have a specialised writing degree like QUT do, though, so I'm not too sure.. I suppose I could do a BA and major in writing or whatever they offer, but still...
Creative and Professional has the OP guarantee, too, which means that if I can get an OP five, I'm definitely in. This is a good thing, although the not-so-good is that, the way I'm going, I'm NOT going to be able to pull a five. Well, at least now I kind of have a reason to pull my grades up. I mean, I'm still not really decided about what I want to do, but still. It's good to have something solid to fall back on, isn't it?

Hm, seems there's been some stuff going on with the usual MSN group. Not good. Not really going to comment on it here. A couple of people have been screwed over pretty bad, one's made it clear where their loyalties lie and everyone else is going "Wtf?". In a nutshell.
I'm not going to take sides on this thing unless it comes to an extortionate blow-up, in which case I guess I'll have to. Choosing, however, shan't be an issue. I just hope it doesn't come to that. Because I like our group how it is (was? I don't know), and I'm pretty sure a full-scale fight will screw that over well and good.

Winter soon. Wow. How time flies. I love Winter. It's so crisp and fresh and alive. It's wonderful to curl up in bed and be warm, and also to walk around in a singlet and a light skirt letting the crisp, cool air heighten my senses. I feel awake and alive in Winter.
Summer is heavy and sticky. It makes me drowsy, it's too thick and senseless. Summer is oppressive and sickly.

That said, Summer's been kind to me this year. Not as hot as usual (although the humidity's DREADFUL), but I had fun, for once. As opposed to lying around at home, bored stupid.

Winter should be nice. It's also fun to watch other people complain of the cold while I sit there enjoying the mild chill with no jumper on while they all hug themselves to keep warm. I usually end up wearing a jumper in the end, though. Yes, conformist. But at least I don't get people asking me "Aren't you COLD?" every day. Is practical, yesh.
But still, you'd think that after four years they would KNOW that I don't really feel the cold. Or the heat. I wear jeans and singlets and t-shirts and all clothes all year round. Yay. Of course, I really feel the humidity, which sucks.

It's kind of odd, because my body gets cold, but I don't really feel it. If that makes sense. Like if I press my hand to my face, it's icy but I don't realise that I'm actually cold. ><

We're doing poetry in English. I'm happy. We're doing Tennyson and Byron, which is good. I'm really not too fond of Wordsworth, who we are also looking at. Romantic poetry is nice, but when it comes to it I really prefer Victorian. Tennyson <3.
I did an oral presentation on The Lady of Shalott last year, and I'm very fond of Break, Break, Break. We looked at Crossing the Bar in class today. I do love Tennyson.

Byron.. I haven't seen much of his stuff, but I'm going to hunt down a hard copy of Don Juan. Since Don Juan features as the final opera in Phantom, I'm curious as to the story. I shall raid our school library. =3

I love poetry. I should write some more. But I have, in actuality, an epistle to write first. It's not really a choice I have - it's something I need to do. For me? I don't know. I think so. But my mind will not be at rest until it's done. I've got a story I need to tell - only, for once, it's not a fabrication. (That said, there IS a story I need to work on. One day, I hope for it to be published. I just need to refine the plot a little..) It's just something that I have to do. I need to get it all out. Mapped, explained, on paper. In pen, in my own hand. Something with substance...

But yes, poetry, I should write more. I've been toying with a follow-up to my Sweeney-centric one, but it's not coming out right. Damn you, Lucy. Damn you. I'm sure I'll get it one day. Or give up. Either way...

Anyway, I guess I'll be off now.

OH BLEACHIE!! Hotmail is screwed again. This is the last straw. Tomorrow, I am going to use a new email to email you. I GIVE UP. D=

But yeah, I'm off. Take care, all.

Seeya later,
Lily

P.S. Oh, my eye stopped itching. =3

Mood: Alright
Music: -
Talking to: Merry, Cilla, Rocco, Craven, Bean, Jacob, Ben

Monkey see, monkey do. Anything that you do, I do too.

Don't you hate copycats? Claiming the original as their own, an imitated brilliance.. A false claim, perhaps, a stolen idea. Frauds, fakers, pathetic. I despise them.

I can't think of anything to write. I keep meaning to email Bleachie, but by the time I remember I don't have enough time to write anything so I keep putting it off. Sorry, Bleachie. I feel bad. And ouch! That must have hurt lots and lots with your ankle. Is it okay now?

I studied Chem for more than two hours without a break. Four pages of nothing but Chem. I want to do more Chem now. It's fun when you get in the swing of it.
n = m/M
m = nM
n = cv

Chem, Chem, Chem!

I got an A- in German. That was nice. I messed up a bit of translation though. Said he'd have 30 kids, as opposed to the correct "kids when he's 30". Damned 'mit' and me not seeing it. Meh. A- isn't bad at all.

I got a B+ in Biology for my EBI. Yay! I'm passing! Now I just have to pass the exam.. -_-

I've got a study schedule. I've sorted out what I'm going to study when. I WILL get it all done. I'll do well.

School's evil. I have to go. Byebye, people! Bleachie, I WILL email you tomorrow.

Seeya later,
Lily

Mood: Not great
Music: Cantina Band - John Williams
Talking to: Ben, Rocco, Steven, Craven, Cilla
Definition for Today: Pathetic fallacy: When the weather reflects the main character's emotions.

Today was alright to start with. Had English, in which I began a new poem, then German in which I did... not much. Looked at a graphite tonal piece I'd done a couple of days ago and scrutinized the eyes. One of the shines on the eyes was a little too dull. Can't fix it, either, or I'll ruin my shading. D=

After we had Access, which is stupid. Then a whole group of us (now let me remember..) including myself, Mak, Ben, Craven, Kane, Dan, Jake, Ashley, Cahleb, Matt.. (I think - THINK - that's it) went down to Coles to get food. Originally, we'd intended to go back to school and study innocent Math. But we got sidetracked after buying chips from the Fish & Chips shop and went to the park instead.

What did we do? Ate lollies and laughed at accidental (me) and intentional (pretty much everyone else) sexual innuendo. It is SO not my fault that they were talking about a really crappy teacher and oral sex in the same conversation. All I heard was his name. So I said that he was really pathetic. They all went o.o so I said "He's a really bad teacher". O.O, went everyone else. I clued in. =_=;

There was this group of morons drinking and (according to Dan) doing drugs about thirty meters away from us. MOOOORRROONNSS.

I was Ashley's seat for the afternoon. She has awesome hair. It's dyed a really vivid red. She's having a picnic on Monday. I want to go. Just gonna eat junk food and hang around, apparently. Whee.

She and Cahleb were depressing. They, themselves, were fine.. but they kept hugging and kissing and all that.. I guess it just made me a little sad. Well. A lot sad. That they've got that, and I had it once. That physical intimacy as well as emotional. Okay, I so I guess I was jealous, too. I don't mean to be. But I am.

Was worse today than normal. Was it because they were so close to me? I mean, Ash was sitting on my lap. Was oddly comfy. Having someone sit on you, I mean. Not Ash in particular. I remember someone sat on me last year. Wasn't as heavy as you'd expect for all the height. One minute, I see Jana shuffling cards, the next a wide expanse of mint green back.
But yes, Ash was sitting on me, and Cahleb was near her. And after she got off, they were kind of lying on each other. As I said, I don't know if it was because they were so close to me that it made me more sad/jealous than normal. Maybe it was because he was so close too.. I just kept looking away from Ash and Cahleb and staring at nothing. Thinking.

Obviously, nothing against Ash and Cahleb. It's not their fault I'm pathetic, sentimental, a little over emotional. ><

At any rate, that plus the leadup to exams and study resulted in me going home, crawling into bed, whining to Merry and having a cry. Like, literally. Sobbing, bawling, etc, etc. ><; Poor Merry. My whining has probably driven her insane.

I have to catch up on Chem study now. I did Chem from the time I got offline to the time I fell asleep (roughly 11:30). This means I did about 4 hours of Chem in total. I also didn't finish the work I'd set for myself. Which means that tonight, I have to do the rest of yesterday's on top of today's. UGH. Why did I have to fall asleep? I didn't mean to. I was doing Chem one minute and the next it was morning and my books were still open on my bed. Angry-making.

Tomorrow I'm going to study Biology. I'm pumpeddddd. Not.

Sunday = city time. I hope. We're all good except Cilla so far. She just needs to get her mum to say yes. Good luck, Cilla! We wuv yoooo!

More next time.

Lily.

Mood: Not too bad
Music: The Call - Regina Spektor
Talking to: Fishie, Cilla, Toph, Nathan, Rocco, MY WONDERFUL SON, Craven

Well, I finished studying for Chem today. Books down, calculator away and 26 pages of molar equations under my belt. I'm pleased with myself. I think I'll do fairly well in the exam tomorrow. If I don't, I will be seriously pissed. I counted. I did eleven hours of Chem this week. I listened to the Phantom soundtrack, on average, three times day straight. It's my study music. I sing along to it. My vocal range has increased exponentially. The only note I cannot reach consistently in that soundtrack is the VERY highest vocalisation in the track "The Phantom of the Opera". And I can do it sometimes, but it's wavery. Now, that is pretty damn high. But, my dears, don't mistake this for sounding good. I can sing HIGH, not WELL. I used to strain in The Point of No Return. No more, bitches, no more. I sound like crap, but I can sing it. Hahahahaha.

Chem, chem, chem! There is no molar equation I cannot do (unless you give me the concentration and nothing more to work with you stingy bastards!) - how well I can calculate the molarity and concentration and number of moles! How quickly I can solve these problems! O, moles, moles, how I hate thee! You repetitve dull curs! Thou art the bane of my existence! I hate thee, despise thee, loathe thee! I abhor thy very being!

I've two math tests on Friday! Area, perimeter and volume, thou shalt bow to me! O, you simplistic gits! Thou art no match for my intelligence!

THINGS ARE GETTING STRANGE - I'M STARTING TO WORRY; THIS COULD BE A CASE FOR MULDER AND SCULLY!

I has music. Music is good. *nodnod* Why does YouTube not have loop? YouTube should have loop. I want to listen to my songs over and over and over and over again because my stupid downloader won't pick them up. BUT DOES YOUTUBE HAVE LOOP? IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT!

JUST BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S CHANGING DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NEVER BEEN THIS WAY BEFORE!

I like pancakes. Why don't I eat pancakes more often? I wish I had a cat. I wish a lot of things. Wishes are nice. Would be nicer if they came true.

Avagadro's Costant reminds me of avocados. I don't like either. But avocados are meant to be good with salt. Hm.

I agree with Merry.

Where are my headphones, you ask? In Ipswich. They got into Cilla's bag somehow. Pretty funny. xD

We had ice cream cake. We got funny looks. We ate it. It was tasty.

I'm pretty much talking crap. I need to write more poetry. I feel poem-y. I lack subject matter. Well, I don't. But I do. I'm making no sense. Whee.

I want to try a sonnet. But what to write about? Biology? No, sonnets are more serious and I'm doing an ode to Biology anyway. At some point. I'll also dig up my ode to grammar. Odes, odes, odes.

What the hell is Craven talking about? Fishie seems to know. I don't.

SAY YOU'LL SHARE WITH ME ONE LOVE ONE LIFETIME SAY THE WORD AND I WILL FOLLOW YOU! SAY YOU'LL SHARE WITH ME EACH NIGHT, EACH MORNING ANYWHERE YOU GO LET ME GO TOO! LOVE ME, THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOU!

I'm going to go and look over salinity now. Need. To. Know. About. It. How. I. Despise. That. Fact.

Lily.

Mood: Relieved and anxious
Music: The Call - Regina Spektor
Talking to: Fishie, Nathan, Bean, Ann, Rocco, Merry, Craven, Ben

I've had four exams in two days. Four down, two to go.

Yesterday I had Chemistry. The paper was doomed from the start. I gave Nitrogen 14 electrons in the diagram we had to draw of an atom. From there, I managed to dilute an 0.1 molar solution to 2.4 molar with 45 mL of water. And, simultaneously, I used the wrong formula. Urgh. There was also a question where we had to fill in a table - only we hadn't been taught how to do it. Evil gits.

Today I had two Math exams. Both were, to be honest, very easy. 'Nuff said. I hope Froggie and Ben did okay.

Had German too, today. Had to talk to my teacher about my future for four minutes. Pretty much balanced the equation for my exam-faring. That is, it was crap enough to cater for my imminent success in Math. Uh ohes. I kept spouting words in English by accident. And I could not, for the life of me, remember how to say 'editor' in German. I know it now, though. Die Redakteurin. Well, that's the female. The male is der Redakteuer. Effing words.

I've got Biology on Tuesday next week. Should be wonderful, as I know diddly squat about the stupid subject. This weekend will be filled with cramming and the writing of an English essay. Ugh. I do hate exams.

I was going to write a Spiel about all sorts of things, but phrasing has escaped me. Maybe tomorrow.

Lily.

Mood: Ugh/meh/Iwanttosleepandneverwakeupagainkthxbai
Music: nix
Talking to: Merry, Rocco, Jason, Craven

I'm not up to an emotional Spiel. Sorry, if you'd been expectant.

Exams are finally done. Thank God. I've tomorrow off, as it's the last day of exam block and I've no more exams. I shall sleep, I think. Sleep the day away. Sleep is good. Sleep is unthinking. Sleep is unconscious. Sleep is nice. I like to sleep. I don't have to think. I can just be. I like that. Just being.

Botched Biology royally. Chem was okay. English was good. Math was good. German was crap. Hopefully I'll pass the Biol paper. I'll pass the semester alright, but it'd be nice to do well on the paper too, I guess. Well, if you define 'well' as barely passing.

I emailed joo, Bleachie!

Eh, can't think of much else. Sleep time.

Lily.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

_____________________________________________


Hope is the thing with feathers
Lying dead upon the floor;
And there, beside it, is my heart
And dreams that are no more.

- Lily

There. My emotional Spiel. As promised. Parodied poetry, too. Bonus. Hope you enjoyed. Had fun writing it. 'Bout the best thing I can say about it.
And I've more more more where that came from! I shall endeavour to post it in its proper place tomorrow. Are you excited? I know I don't really care.

I'm fine. O, fuck that, I'm not fine. But I'll pretend to be. I'll live.

And yet, I am still not realising that this is it. The end. Finite. Everything I wanted out the window. I suspect that this revelation will come to me later tonight. Tomorrow perhaps. Then I will proceed to go into a Bella-like state for a Bella-like period of time, and still be Bella-like when it comes to the Bella-like reason for my Bella-like despair. O, why am I so predictable?

And yet, I can't bring myself to resent. Doubt very much that I ever shall. I don't take things lightly, nor go into them lightly, for those of you who've not noticed. I like to be sure about things. And I was - am? Yes, am - sure.

O well. I shall have to get over it. That's a laugh. Shall I ever be over it? We'll see. You will, rather. I'll not see the forest for trees. Tell me in a month or two's time if I'm making any progress. Thanks for reading, and enduring my lament over something you've no idea about.

If I like you lots, I'll indulge you.
If I love you lots and/or you are: a prying git (I'm not sure there is one, but I do like the word 'git' and thought I'd use it), my best friend, a fellow sufferer of Biology, or a confidant of the afore-unmentioned reason for the aforementioned lament, you shall know already. Or, at least, have a vague idea.
(For those of The Vague Idea, I suppose I shall fill you in, as I like you lots.)

Lily.

P.S. My lordy, I've been rather absurd and pompous tonight. O well. You, too, have something to get over, dear reader. Peace.

P.P.S. At least I was truthful.

P.P.P.S. For once.

P.P.P.P.S. If you've read the Twilight series (well, New Moon specifically), you'll have an idea as 'Bella-like' refers to.. well.. Bella..

P.P.P.P.P.S. I do like the word 'git'.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Okay. I'll admit it. I'm just doing this to see the pyramid of "P."s grow larger now. It started off genuine, honest.

I think I've got about as much from this journal as I'm going to. A lot of it is hard to read over now without cringing, a lot of it is petty and naive. I'm glad I wrote it down, though. I'm glad I know how silly and fickle I was. But this is it, as far as this one goes.

Goodbye, journal. Time to move on from you.

Thanks for putting up with me, everyone. I think my next attempt at keeping a journal will be less painful to read. I'm not going to miss the melodrama. All that this journal really was. One whinge after another. To the Cleft of Dimension with it.

Time to let go of my old journal, time to start over. I've got some learning to do yet. You've not seen the last of my attempts to record my life.

Until then, take care, all of you.

Journal out.