Fact One: You can never truly get to know a person through the medium of keyboard and monitor, or microphone and webcam for the more advanced cases among you. Do you understand how fundamentally wrong it is to consider people on the other side of the planet, people you will never meet and due to the nature of your relationship do not currently know at all, better than real friends? Anyone can say anything.

Fact Two: Computer games are a complete and utter, unadulterated, wholesale WASTE OF TIME. You learn nothing from them. Anyone in the back who dares mention how it 'improves hand eye co-ordination' can shut up presently, thank you. If any of you did think that, you're plainly bullshitting, attempting to convince yourself and mistakenly dragging others along with you.

Send a letter, kiss someone (then both of you get practice). For ****'s sake, LIVE. This forum is one of the saddest little things I've ever seen. People think they have friendships over it. Christ. That has to be one of the top ten dumbest things.

If you can't make do with your current proximity, something needs changed. When was the last time you told someone in your family that you love them?

The internet is a giant crock of shit. Please realise it. You're assholes if you don't. Screens are mince. If you're far away from someone you love then it's nice to look into this window and see them looking back. Apart from their face, 99% of the rest of it is shit.

By the looks of things, we ain't got long left to go here, kids. So for the ****ing love of whatever you hold dear start going outside. Try living without the net for a week. It can (if you've been wrapped in it before) feel like breathing pure oxygen. Ask questions beyond 'What's for dinner?' Why're we here? Well, we'll probably never know what we are here for: but spending time sitting in front of screens is not the way to finding it. It's the opposite of fulfilment. Television is a mire, and it's blinding and numbing the less observant among us every day, along with the kids. And they really deserve more.

Pre-empt to any response: Frankly, my dears, I don't give a damn.

You're all ****wits and I've had it with you. You're boring, listless, pretend to know when you don't. Then again, who am I to say such things? The internet is a giant screen that you hide behind skilfully.

Now get to ****.