Alternative FFVIII Ending - It's funny

[Doc Rocco]

I read this today, and laughed quite a bit. I decided to put it up on a whim Creadit doesn't go to me, by the way. Also bashes Rinoa, so don't blame me!

Squall: (Fighting Utlimecia’s final form) Grr… Go away!
Ultimecia: Why?! Do you not like me!?
Squall: (pauses) Hmm.. uhhh.. lemme think… ahhhh NO! (Slices Ultimecia )
Ultiimecia: GASP! NOOOO!! (Dishes out 1 more Ultima )
Squall, Quistis, and Irvine: GASP! NOOOOO!! (they fall unconcious… and for you slow people, they were defeated)
(Three days later)
Quistis: I can’t believe that the bitch, Ulti, is makiing us her house cleaners! (Dusts a shelf with a rather disgusting picture of a young Ultimecia eating ice- cream on a farm)
Irvine: Yesss.. I don’t think I can take any more of her ‘story times’ either…. One more childhood story and I’ll-
Squall: Irvine! Shut up! She has security cameras all around… FOOL!
Irvine: Ooops.. sorry.. (continues sweeping the stairs)
Squall: Alright! Who took the damn vaccuum!
Seifer: (Snickering quietly in a corner) Hehheheheh…
Squall: And who the hell is making that snickering sound? I’ve been hearing it for the last two days… eww.. what if I have a stalker… (shudders)
Seifer: (jumps out of his corner and onto Squall’s back) Heya buddy!!
Squall: What the hell?!
Zell: (punches Seifer ans he falls to the ground)
Seifer: OUCH! CHICKEN WUSS!!
Zell: HAHA!! SPOON HEAD!
Everyone: Spoonhead?
Zell: YESS!! SPOONHEAD! See… his head kinda looks like a spoon if you stare at it long enough.
Selphie: Umm… and why would you be staring at Seifer’s head so long?
(Uncomfortable silence)
Quistis: Okay…
Squall: Erm.. okay.. so Seifer, why are YOU here? Aren’t you like the Sorceress’ faithful servent or something?
Seifer: Umm.. well not anymore… See this is what happened, while you guys where going through time- compression, Raijin and Fujin had found a portal or whatever, and it led us to a porta- potty somewhere in Future Timber. I mugged some guy by the train tracks that was going on about Rinoa, I got some postions. I quickly gulped them up, and my health was fully restored! Anyway, Raijin, Fuin and myself hopped on a train that led us to Esthar. How it led us there, I don’t really care to know, but it did. There I found the Ragnorok. Being the usual ass I am, I hopped in and landed it in Centra. Raijin and Fujin and I walked the rest of the way to Edea’s Orphange, where we climbed the Chain to Ultimecia’s castle. I confronted dear Ulty (at this point, Seifer shoots a smile at a nearby security camera ) and we all played Triple Triad, and waited for you guys to show up. When I finally beat Ultimecia, she took MY Hyperion and sliced the table in half. Then she broke my poor Hyperion in half (sobs) and threw us out the window.
Squall: (Patting a now crying Seifer on the back) Oh… that’s rough…
Seifer: I know, I know
Rinoa: Oh, that poor Train Station man, oh how I loved those hot and steamy one night stands…
Everyone: … (sweatdrop)
Quistis: Okay…
Irvine: Yesss….. I remember that one night with him…
Everyone: (yet another sweatdrop)
Quistis Why am I always the one to break the silence!! I’m a mime from now on!!
Rinoa: …
Squall: Uh huh.. now Seifer, Gimme that vaccum cleaner!
Seifer: NO!
Squall YES!
Seifer: NO!
Squall: YES!
Zell: THIS IS GETTING NO WHERE! SPOON HEAD, GIVE THE DAMN VACCUM TO SQUALLY!
Seifer: okay master Chicken Wuss
(Seifer hands vaccum overto Squall)
Squall: Thank you, Seifer
Seifer: (blushing) You’re welcome…
Quistis: (Makes an embarrased look and points to Seifer)
Rinoa: OH! So, Quistis, you’re saying that Seifer is embarrased because he secretly loves Squall and Squall secretly loves Seifer?
Quistis: (nods head)
Selphie: WOW! How dod you know that Rinny?
Rinoa: I’ve had a lot of experience with Angelo
(Suddenly, Angel runs over and starts barking in Rinoa’s ear)
Rinoa: What’s that, bot? Ultimecia is drowning in the bathtub?
Angelo: Bark! (YES!)
Rinoa: OKAY! Let’s go save her!
(Rinoa and Angelo run off)
Irvine: She is extremly stupid… that could have been our chance to escape… grr…
Squall: (Making out with Seifer) Tell me about it, and I’VE had to put up with her through this ENTIRE game!
(Continues making out with Seifer)
Rinoa: (from someplace upstairs) and I thought you loved me squall!! (jupms out window)
Squall & Seifer: Well, that ends that problem!! (they continue making out)
(Suddenly, Ultimecia’s voise booms over the loud speaker)
Ultimecia: Attention all employees and maids! The annual Emplyee or Maid of the Week award assembly is to be held in the Game Room!
Zell: Huh? A game room?
Ultimecia: Yes, you imbecile, the Game Room!
Zell: Umm.. okay..
Ulti: And be there within 5 minutes!

[Doc Rocco]

5 minutes later

Ultimecia is standing on a pooltable, holding a pool- ball on an ice-cream cone for a microphone.
Ultimecia: (eyes bugged out with an odd expression on her face) HeLlO EvErYoNe! LeT’S MaKe ThIs FaSt. I HaVe a MeEtInG wItH mY CoCaIn- eRR…’SpEcIaL PilL pRoViDEr TODay. ThE MaId oF tHe MonTH iS: IrVInEKiNnEAS!! (Gets normal again) Now, Irvine, you get to pick one person to go with you, and you get to go anywhere in the World and you get to stay there for one week!
Irvine: I pick Selphie, and I want to go to Winhill!!
Ultimecia: Very well. (waves her hand, and they vanish) Now get back to work!
(The maids grumble as they pick up their brooms and dust rags and stomp off)
Seifer: (picking up a broom) Hey, guys, wanna go out front and sweep the big giant scary swaying chain?
Squall and Zell: Okay!
(On The Chain)
Zell: Hey this is fun being on the chain!
Seifer: I know! For most of Disk 3 when you never saw me until the end of the disk, I got to polish the chain!
Zell and Squall: (gaping) WOW!!
(Suddenly, two strangers masked in black come riding up the chain on pink and yellow bycicles)
Stranger 1: Prepare for trouble, ya know
Stranger 2: MAKE. DOUBLE
Stranger 1: To protect the world from devastation
Stranger 2: UNITE. PEOPLE. NATION
Seifer: okay, okay!! We know who you are!!
Squall: Yea! You’re Ren and Stimpy!
Stranger 2: NO
Zell: Beavis and Butthaed?
Stranger 1: No, ya know
Squall: Mary- Kate and Ashley?
Zell: Ronald McDonald and Rusty the Fox?
Squall: Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick the Starfish?
Zell: Bart and Lisa Simpson?
Strangers 1 : No!! I’m Raijin and this is Fujin, ya know?
Squall and Zell: Ahhh…
Seifer: Nice bikes… (weirdos)
Raijin: We had to steal them from some little 3 year olds in Dollet ‘cause we didn’t have any transporatation, ya know?
Fujin: KIDS. CRY.
Zell: Aww.. why did you make them cry?
Fujin: WORTH IT!
Raijin: She lives on other ‘s misfortune… ya know?
(Uktimecia’s loudspeaker is on again)
Ulti: All SeeD maids, please report to my bedroom! IMMEDIATELY!
Squall: Oh no. not another booty call!
Seifer: (drags Fujin and Rajin with him)
(Ultimecia’s BedRoom)
Fujin: PINK. TOO MUCH.
(All around the room there are pink accressories, wallpaper, bed sets… and GASP! A pink barbie doll house complete with pink covertible!
Raijin: OOOH!! HOW BEAUTIFUL!! Umm.. ya know… (prances around the room and decides to play with the Teresa doll)
Raijin: As Theresa: And I love this acr! Now I need to go to Stacie’s Birthday party! I have to change!! Yayyyyy!!
Ultimecia: (Sitting in a pink rocking chair that is 10 sizes too small, her butt is bulging over the sides) Well, then, Raijin, nice to see you are enjoying MY Barbie doll set. NOW GET YOUR VALLEY- BOY ASS OVER HERE!
(Raijin joins everyone)
Ulti: Now then, I am having my dear friends, Adel and Edea over for Tea and Poker. I want you to clean up the Forbidden and Evil Poker Room for me, okay?
Everyone: Okay!

[Doc Rocco]

In the Forbidden and Evil Poker Room

Fujin: PLACE. DUMP.
Zell: AGREE! O no.. I’m talking like you!! AAAHHHHH!! (runs into a wall and is knocked out)
Squall: I think this is a pivate bar as well.. (looks around and sees drunk sorceresses hangiing over chairs and laying the floors and tables)
Seifer: Oh Hyne! Look who’s here! (points to a corner)
They all look and see a VERY drunk Rinoa talking nonsense to Angelo
Rinoa: And I says to the peacock, ‘ I like cheese’ and the peacock pecked me and I turned into a piece of paper and then I went through a paper shredder, and that I why I have to wear clothes. (tries to pat Angelo, but misses and pats an empty beer bottle) My, Angelo, you sure are chilly. Here, have my coat. (Plucks out a piece of hair from her head and throws it on the beer bottle) There ya go. (passes out)
Squall: And I was supposedly dating her?! Eww….
Fujin: DISGUSTED. RINOA WINDOW. FALL.
Seifer: Rinoa seriously needs to got o rehab… okay guys, shall we start cleaning up?
Thye all nod.
(In record speed, they throw all the sorceresses out the window except for Rinoa, Raijin shoved her in a refiridgorater)
(Seifer sweeps, Squall spit shines, Raijin is the New Bartender, and Fujin Clenas off the tables)
Zell: (Wakes up) Where am I- wait!! I have to clean!! AHHHH!!
(Zell gathers all the beer bottles and throws them out the window too)
They all step back and Admire their work.
(Ultimecia on the loudspeaker again)
Ulti: Great job guys! Mebbe I’ll start paying you a penny an hour… keep that thought in mind! Oh, and by the way, throw Angelo in the frige, too. Adel and Edea are here!
(Raijin thros the dog in with Rinoa, who is making moldy meatloaf sculptures)
Edea, Adel, and Ultimecia walk in the bar/ poker room, and sit down at a table
Ulti: Bartender, 3 dry sherrys and make it snappy!
Raijin: okie dokie! (whips up the 3 drinks)
Fujin: (takes drinks to the sroceresses)
(Suddenly, Quistis comes bursting through the door)
Squall: Where were you?
Quistis: I was stabbing the assistant chef. He’s looks like Rinoa. At least, he did.
Seifer: Okay then... (backs away)
Ulti: Oh, by the way, for you’re extra efforts, you may have the rest of the week off! Bye!
(seifer, raijin, Fujin, Squall, Zell, and Quiistis run out of the door)
Squall: Lets go get the Ragnorok and fly back to our own time!!
Seifer: YES!
Quistis: What about Irvine, Selphie, and Rinoa?
Squall: Too bad for them!
(They find the Ragnorok and board it)
Yahoooooooooo!!
Seifer: How the hell are we gonna get back into our own time?
Squall: I’m gonna call Ellone.
(9Squall dials ellone’s cell phone from the Ragnorok Phone and tells her to transport them back)
Ellone: Okie- dokie!
(Back at Garden in Seifer’s Dorm)
Squall: Seifer, I love you!
Seifer: (watching pokemon) uh huh…
Squall: Seifer, really, I do!
Seifer: Wha? (looks away from the television screen to see Squall sitting on his bed NUDE)
Swuall: For the love of Hyne, Seifer, just do me!

I thought it was funny anyway. Laugh!