The struggle over the tyranny of my world

So, my first blog post i guess.. And a great one at that, ay?

Tbh, a quick exploration of the new system doesnt really impress me too much, however if this is how things are going to be done, i guess ill have to stick to it. My journal is way too long to move anywhere anyways. Or at least.. theres a fair amount of painful content in there and i dont really trust anyone i know to move it. But i guess ill try this and see how it all works out. I guess ill post this first one in both here and the journal section. If i get a double up later i can always delete it.. i think. (or not... seems like the journal forum is completely dead to posting)

Onwards..

Our infinate struggle - in flames
'All the elements in life's complexity,
Make our struggle infinite.

Never cut you out. I cut you in,
Feeding on life leftovers,
I am writing to you.

You should realize,
It hurts me too'

I guess its somewhat relevant, but eh. My girlfriend broke up with me today. I packed up and left. She's.. just been doing some really stupid things lately. Ill be able to deal with it, but... now im alone again. Even here at a friends, i feel the usual lonelyness that i should remember from before. But really, i just miss someone different again. The supression is over, i guess. I wonder if this is what it feels like to endlessly love someone who doesnt exist in your own world.

So far, nothing relaly improoves how i feel. Im not really in tears anymore, but i will the moment i let myself, i know that much i guess.

Ive started talking to an old friend ive never mentioned before. Namin her seems harder than usual.. So i guess ill just do it later. You need to know people to do that properly anyways, or at least i think so. I do hold most of the names i give people here with high regard. Like shadow, since her name is now becoming something i actually say in real life.

I still have to travel the few hours weekly for my job thats still up there. It would be ok if i could just drive there to do the shift and drive back, even though id almost waste $30 worth of fuel to get there and only make the $50 out of it, but its a 5am till 9am shift. I only kept it because it gave me reason to go up early to see my ex. So.. unbearable. I even have less care to what i actually do.. But i really need money. Badly. And ill have to live at my parents.. which is a terrible idea. Right now, it just seems like things are just going to get worse. Oh, and my old job dont seem to be giving me shifts. They said id get a few, but those shifts just never came.

I guess the only positive note i have is that i have continued work on my game that ive been contributing to. Once something's playable, ill really have something to play with for a large amount of time. Though id like to keep my ideas for myself, for now. We have started writing a blog for it all, but that is being kept private untill we have a beta version coming out, just to make sure our ideas are our own.

I keep thinking that my life is effectively over. I feel there is no meaning anymore. No purpose, and of course, no goals. I know people will likely think badly about me for it, but i honestly dont care about the world, and what goes on in it. I also dont care about myself. Makes it a rather.. pointless existance. But whaver i guess.

League isnt treating me too well either. Ranked game losses all over after being trolled constantly. No silver rating for me.. :/