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Excuse me.

So about my cervix

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8 Comments
by
OceanEyes28
, 07-09-2013 at 07:11 PM (1267 Views)
I'm still stuck with this thing. I found out while on vacation that my three month check-up pap came back abnormal again. So today, I had another colposcopy/biopsy. You'd think it wouldn't be as big of a deal the second time. Actually, I'm pretty sure it hurt worse. It didn't help that she got into the cervical canal, and then did ANOTHER biopsy further down.... it felt bigger than the last piece she took... it hurt a lot. I felt my legs start to tremble near the end and was afraid I'd start panicking like last time, but I held it together with some major deep breathing. Once it was over, though, the tears came. I wasn't so much crying, as I was just leaking. The crying did come later, though. Just all that adrenaline, my body had no idea what to do with itself. I tried to go to work, but I could not keep it together. I tried to ask my coworker if it would be all right if I left a couple hours early, but then tears started coming and I couldn't stop, and he told me to just go home because it looked like I needed rest.

I just...

It isn't fair. I've always tried to be healthy. I don't smoke and I don't drink very much. I've tried to be as safe about sex as possible, and I've been monogamous with my partners. Thought I knew their sexual history. Thought I was safe. I'm pretty sure one of them gave me the HPV virus, though. And that's what's causing this. They might have been a carrier and not known it, or they might have been misinformed about if they could pass it on. It's embarrassing to talk about because there's such a taboo attached to things like this, but I feel like I need to talk about it since women's health issues are so important to me. I wish that when I was younger, that I had gotten the vaccine. That more people had talked about it with me. I wish the men in my life had been more honest with me, or knew more about their sexual histories.

But it's done, and now I'm scared. Scared about what I'll have to do next, and scared that I won't one day be able to get pregnant or carry a child to term. I have always wanted to be a mom, and experience pregnancy. It will be a great heartbreak to me if that is no longer in my reach. At the moment, we're waiting on my biopsy results, but my doctor is pretty sure she'll recommend me for a LEEP. Basically, they'll electrically cut off a layer of my cervix in an attempt to get rid of all the abnormal tissue. I'm pretty sure I get to be asleep for that, though, or else I might faint.

I know that it isn't productive to go down the road of "Why me?" but I needed one day to feel sorry for myself. I haven't gone long without crying, or aching, but I'm hoping that tomorrow I have a better perspective. I tried to laugh at something earlier, and it made my whole body wince. It just hurts, on all levels. I feel like an idiot, and completely disgusted with my body. But tomorrow, I will be positive. Or I will try.

In other news, I started a blog. And I wrote about my backpacking trip.
Backpacking in the Grand Tetons | Green Tums

So if you want to see more pictures, there are some to be found on that page. They get bigger when you click on them.

I wasn't only taking a vacation from work.

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Comments

  1. Rowan's Avatar
    Sorry you have to go through all that. For someone who is actively health conscious, its understandable why you would feel the way that you do. I hope that you get some good news.
  2. Rocky's Avatar
    Kinda sucks about that possible HPV you got but it could be a lot worse. People need to be informed with the realities of sex, and not just about the "its bad mkay you could get pregnant!" kind of way that the middle schoolers got.

    In any case, this read put me in a new light for a situation I am in, so thank you for posting this.
  3. loaf's Avatar
    A lot of people don't know what HPV is (I think), sadly most guys who even know it just throw it off because it does little to no harm for male, I've met some guys back in Vegas who have admitted. It sucks, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's much worst then my gal bladder surgery that made me feel just like that...why me? I hoping for the best Ali, every day.
  4. Alpha's Avatar
    Alisyn, I will only read your blog if you write in the style of Thug Kitchen... you can even get Gatsby in on it with some of this. Try keep your mind off the crap stuff and on the good stuff
  5. che's Avatar
    Makes me feel like a douche for how unhealthy I live my lifestyle.

    You have every right to be angry about people not being honest. Some of that might come from HPV having no symptoms in men. Men think "oh, it works fine, it looks fine, everything must be good!" Go get tested, guys! You could be putting your loved ones at risk, or even people you don't love.

    But seriously, you have a ton of support. Tons of great people in your life to help you through this, and you will get through it!

    I agree with Alpha, focus on the good stuff. I dislike seeing you so upset.
  6. LocoColt04's Avatar
    Oh goodness.

    So, do we know what types of HPV you're looking at here? Hopefully it's one of the less obnoxious types... I mean, ideally, it would be nothing at all but it looks like that's not really an option any more. I understand it's the biopsy results that will give you the final answer to that question, though.

    I want you to be healthy! You're not the one who's supposed to have awful things happen.

    But, you said you'd spend the next day being positive. So, what did you do today?
  7. OceanEyes28's Avatar
    Hello everyone. <3

    Thank you all. It means a lot that you responded.

    I got a call yesterday morning saying that the biopsy results came back with severe dysplasia, so it looks like the next step will be LEEP. I have a consultation with my doctor on Thursday to talk about it. I have calmed down some, even though it still makes me a bit queasy to think about what has been done to my cervix and what has yet to be done. I'm not sure if there is a way to test for certain strains or to know for sure if it's HPV, but it is the most likely culprit for things like this.

    As for positive things... well, I've been watching cartoons and letting myself have some cookies, if that counts. Also I went to see a play last night. And I'm about to work out for the first time in a few days... I was too sore to do it before now. But I feel much better. Tomorrow, I'll walk to the farmer's market with Gatsby and buy peaches and tomatoes.

    Alpha that blog is amazing. Reading forever now.
  8. loaf's Avatar
    I love Thug Kitchen.