Excuse me.

Looking back, it was probably a little ridiculous to drink half a bottle of wine and announce in a conversation thread that I had a biopsy coming up. That's fair. I was in a place of not wanting to talk about it too much, but needing to tell enough people that it wasn't my reality alone. So here's what happened.

On March 4th, I got my annual pap smear done, everything seemed normal, and I forgot about it. These things have always been normal for me, and I get tested once a year (or after a new partner) for the usual suspects. Last year's was completely unremarkable. A week later, I saw that I had a missed call from my doctor's office. I was at work, and couldn't answer, but they'd left a voicemail asking me to call them back. I knew they'd only call if something was wrong, so I spent my entire shift wondering about what it could be.

As I walked down to my car after work, I started thinking about how nice it was to still have no idea what was the matter, and that as far as I knew, I was completely healthy. All the same, I called back. The nurse told me that my results had shown some abnormal cells on my cervix. There are different grades of cervical dysplasia, and I had the highest. That means that these cells could be precancerous, and I needed a biopsy to see what the next move should be. I've never tested positive for HPV, but I understand that isn't the only risk factor.

Anyway, I was scared and freaked out, and rather taken aback that I wasn't the picture of health I'd imagined I was. I'm only 25, I get my antioxidants, I don't drink very much or smoke, I've been monogamous with my partners who had been regularly checked up and tested. Why was this happening to me? I HAVE been on the pill since I was 18, but I hadn't even thought about that until just now. I told my family and Caleb, and they were all very supportive. Mom's the one who provided the wine. At work the next day, I told my manager I had a biopsy scheduled for Friday morning before work, and he gave me Friday off. I waited and went about my week, and before I knew it, it was time.

My mom and dad came with me to the appointment. Caleb had to be at work. I thought it was overkill at the time, but when I came out, I was really glad to see them there. The doctor did a colposcopy to get a closer look, applied a vinegar solution and then an iodine solution to see if she could get the abnormal cells to become more apparent. She said everything looked better than she thought it would based on my pap results, and even got my hopes up that she wouldn't biopsy. But there was a spot, and just to be safe, she took a piece. It was a strange, sickening pinch. The actual pinch didn't hurt as much as the immediate soreness afterwards did. She put something on it to stop the bleeding, and I started to get a little panicky, and just wanted everything out of me. I sat up once she was done, and after taking one look at my face, she told me to lie back down. Apparently, there's something neurological that happens to most women when you mess with the cervix like that. That's what the doctor said anyway. They brought me some coffee, and once I felt like I could stand, I got my clothes on and wobbled out of there. I should have the results in a week/week and a half.

I was pretty sore the first day. Sort of like menstrual cramps, but lower, and a bit sharper. Caleb took good care of me, and so did Mom and Jen. The second day was better, and today I feel mostly normal. My libido is starting to come back, even though I believe I'm supposed to "stay off of it" for a week.

I'm still a bit strung out, though. To make matter worse, my dog Gatsby got into something last night that had him disoriented, acting sedated, wobbly, he lost control of his bladder, we couldn't get him to walk on his own. It scared me to death. We took him to the emergency vet, and they kept him overnight on some fluids and tested for the things that could kill him. He's better today and got to come home. He's tired, but he's okay. Caleb and I fought over something that was stupid, but seemed like a huge deal under all that stress (first fight since getting engaged aaawww). We are better today too.

It has not been a relaxing weekend.

But I made strawberry rhubarb jam and vegan pesto today. Not a total loss.

I need an Irish carbomb.