Small Girl, Big Life

We got here. And things went swimmingly with my dad & Jay before he went on his merry way to Dallas yesterday.

But my dad isn't in good shape.

I mean, he hasn't been ever since he & my mom had to retire and quit truck driving... That was his whole life and when my mom got her CDL and got in the truck with him, he was in 7th heaven - in spite of his assholey-ness. Getting to see the country and do it with my mom.. Yeah. That was the ultimate for him.

Anyway.. My dad is getting worse. He can barely stand to walk to the bathroom & go up the 2 stairs it takes to get there and it's even worse going back. His memory is getting worse.

And he knows all of this is happening and it makes him more irritable (which I understand) & makes him act harsher with my mom somewhat and stuff.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.. My dad's a major D*ck, but I'm a complete and total Daddy's Girl. I always have been. I always -will- be.

But I digress. I'm extremely worried about him. And I'm worried that I made the wrong decision moving back to Tennessee.. Even though I was a "drain on them financially" as he says, at least I was there.

And just last night my daughter talked about wanting him to go to the store with her & my mom... It took everything he had just to pick her up when we got here yesterday and I had to take her from him to put her down. This morning, my sweet amazing little girl said "Mom... If Poppy doesn't feel good, he shouldn't go with us."

It nearly broke my heart. Mine and my dad's thing was always skipping school and going shopping & having lunch at Mickey D's or KFC when I was little.

My sister texted and asked how Parker was doing and I told her she was fine and being super sweet, and told her about my dad... I got no response. It makes me sick the way my siblings treat my parents. My sister -might- send a gift card, but damnit if she won't make time to see them.

My dad even asked her point blank.. "Will you take care of your mother if something happens to me?" and she said "Of Course!"

.............. When my dad asked if she would take care of -him-, she said "Oh no, I have to talk to Jennifer (her GF) about that."

And yet because my sister practically has a fecking PHD and supports herself and all that other shit, he's cool with it. Not really, but he's more proud of her now than he ever was with me and what he doesn't realize is that I've had to raise myself pretty much.

When my mom got her CDL and was gone for weeks/days at a time, I almost always picked who I stayed with. It was -my- decision to move to Nashville & in with my sister for high school. It was my decision to enroll in a Christian School hoping it would be a better atmosphere for me - and I was bullied and made fun of harder. It was my decision to go from the Christian School to Public school.

So essentially, I've always had to figure out my own life. Since I was young. And it sucks that my dad doesn't realize that the way I am isn't my fault. I mean, I take responsibility for all of my fukk ups, but it all boils down to the way I was raised. And I hate saying that.

IDK .. I'm just super worried about my dad right now. I can't be without him. The teddy bear he bought me when I was 2, I still have & sleep with. IDK.. This is hard.