Small Girl, Big Life

Dude's gonna be here. Tonight.

I've been fine all week, but then last night, my hands got shaky and I nearly had an anxiety attack.
I'm fine now, but that's not to say I won't be here in like an hour or so.

It's just stressful, worrying about whether we'll get along & be compatible or if it'll be nothing but awkward silences the entire time.
Thankfully a lot of alcohol will be involved, so I can just stay sauced this whole weekend, but yeah.

We're going to Shreveport tomorrow. I hear drinks are free on the riverboat casinos. I'm not a gambler. I can't stand the idea of losing money. I'll walk in, spend $10.. If I win $20 or $40, I cash out a happy camper. If not.. Well. I'm not thrilled, but chances are I won't be totally broke either.

Saturday or Sunday, we're going to Dallas to see his sister. On the one hand I'm like "Woo! Dallas! Yay!" but then again, I'm like "Meeting the family? Already? Uhhhh..................." - yeah. That's nerve-wracking. A lot.

I need alcohol. Now. Lots of it. I need to like pre-game and shiz. hahaha.

Also, my kid left this morning. I've been crying on and off ever since. She didn't wanna let go of me and cried too.

The whole visit was a tad frustrating though. P and I would be in the house playing and my sister would come over and get mad that she was with just me and not everyone altogether. Like last night, she and I played outside for a bit then went in to watch a movie ("Enchanted" came on). We got snuggled up on the couch to watch it and my sister came in and made her go over to visit with my parents and her. I went along, too, 'cuz there was no way she would've budged if I'd stayed behind. We went back over there and it still ended up just being P & I playing by ourselves on my mom's bed. Sure my dad made an appearance, and there was a little bit of interaction with my mom and sister, but the majority of the time, it was still just us 2. I could've had her in bed and asleep by 9:30 had we stayed in my house.

We went to a small family-owned zoo in Shreveport and P hadn't gone to bed until like midnight the night before. She was delirious. And as much as my sister insisted on her going to bed on time, she still let her stay up until midnight, knowing they were getting up early to leave.

........... And -she's- supposed to be Ms. Perfect & Responsible.

God, I wanna clock her in the face one good time. I can't stand her. We don't get along. We haven't gotten along since before my kiddo was born. ... 'Cuz she's a stuck up bitch. And like man-handled the raising of my kid out of my hands. Long story. I have a complex about it all now.

.... Makes me wonder how I'll handle actually raising a kid -with- its dad. If there ever is another kid.

Jesus.