Small Girl, Big Life

Soooo... I'm here. Home. Back in Nashville.

Not really 'cuz I'm way the fizuck out in Clarksville (Ft. Campbell. Yay) and a good 45 minutes away from my 'hood.

But whatever. I'm back. That's what matters. It still hasn't really sunk in yet that I'm outta effing New Boston/Texarkana and and and and no mas corn fields and I can go to the Mexican Store and get shiz I heart .. Like nopales, abogado, al pastor, etc.

Anywho, so. I've been straight trashed for 2 days. These alcoholics bough: A liter of Jack, an 18 pack of Bud Light, and a 12 pack of Yuengling Black whatever whatever, and then later we all walked to Mapco and bought another 18 pack of Bud Light.

They took me onto the base to go grocery shopping and get liquor.. I must say, this whole shopping set up is fascinating.. Almost makes me wanna go enlist.. -Almost-. I won't do it though. I'm too old. Not really, but I'm ain't leaving my bebeh behind again.

Seriously though, they got one store that's legit nothing but beer, wine, liquor, and cigarettes. I've never sen such. I also saw a "Buttered Popcorn" flavored vodka. Just looking at it made me wanna gag hardcore. Really? Buttered Popcorn? Vodka? That's -terrible-.

So we did all that, cooked dinner, got drunk (Jay and I didn't knock out 'till like 7 a.m.).. I made him get up at like 11:30 so we could do the grocery shopping for the week.

I introduced vegetables to the guys. Jay loves them now. He learned what a yellow squash & zuchinni is. It was highly amusing.

Our grocery bill yesterday was $250 - and I didn't even get everything I need.. Jay got cleaning supplies.. 'Cuz this apartment is disgusting. Everything might be put away and organized, but it's still yucky. And actually the kitchen isn't even close to being anything that could be considered "straightened up".. The fridge is gross, there's big tubs of IDK what on the counter.. Yeah. I wish I were Amy Adams and I could just sing a merry little tune and get the local cockroaches to come clean for me. Ha.

After I put all the groceries away yesterday, I told Jay, "LOOK! It looks like Doomsday Preppers ... Or Extreme Couponers up in this piece!" lmao

Then I made my lasagna. My (now) infamous 15 lb lasagna. With 3 lbs of meat (a mix, of course), 2 - 3 lbs of cheese, around an lb of sauce (homemade sun-dried tomato marinara), and an lb of noodles. Cam (the roommate) insisted that he -hates- mushrooms. He'll -know- if there's mushrooms in there anywhere.

Guess what?

Cam ate mushrooms. hahahahahaha. I put a good handful in the meat, made sure to chop 'em up really fine. Yep. He ate that beesh. And lurved it. With all his heart.

I spoke to my little girl Saturday night, too. She's -so- excited that I'm back and closer and can see her more often. I don't really have any toys for her anymore - she asked if I still had her favorite building blocks. I reminded her that we took them to Goodwill, but I told her that maybe next month, Jay & I could take her shopping to pick out a few new toys to keep over here.

Lol my sweet girl. She kinda started crying because she "forgot to invite me to her birthday party" (back in January). I told her that maybe we can have a mini- late - bday party and bake a cake, fix dinner, open a couple of presents, etc. That cheered her up.

I had her on speaker phone and Jay was right beside me.. She said "MOM. BBE is -sooooo- bossy again! I don't know -what- I'll do with her!" She had us in tears laughing so hard. She got embarrassed though, so we had to stop. She's a hot mess. Just like her momma! XD

She also asked if she could see my ex and his son - 'cuz she misses both of them. I'm so completely against this idea, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt her. Francisco was pretty much her dad. He's been around since she was like 8 months old.

And for the first time, he and I managed to have a somewhat civilized conversation last night. I'd asked Francisco to call me earlier yesterday, to talk about the kids. But he was doing something. He texted me later on, asked me what I was doing, and asked me to call him.

Of course the conversation went back around to The Break Up and everything that went wrong. He just continued to blame me and kept saying he was waiting for me to change and I never did, blah blah blah.

-Then- he said that when we met (we used to work together), he knew immediately that he wanted something more than just being friends. Complete shocker considering he insisted that he didn't want a relationship for like 3 months. He also said that when he asked me to marry him, he really did mean it.. Even though there was never a ring.

..... And apparently him stabbing me in the foot with a fork was an accident. And my fault at the same time. I'm sorry. How the hell do you -accidentally- stab someone in the effing -foot- with a FORK? He hit a vein. I bled all over the living room. I couldn't walk for 3 days. My foot was so swollen and I was in so much pain. He didn't seem to believe me. He said something about the night he took his big toe nail off & still went to work & that was the worst pain ever..

Bish please. I've lost nails all day long. Thumb nails, pinkie nails, whatever. This fool hit a muhfukkin vein. And he still doesn't understand not only how painful that whole deal was, but how humiliating it was for me to have to explain the situation to my managers and show them pictures so that they'd believe me. He actually thanked me for not calling the cops and having him arrested. I'm not that kind of person, I never have been.

'Cuz snitches land in ditches, y'all.

What kills me most is that he thinks that the "good" he did for me far outweighs anything bad he did. He asked me if I was doing any better ('cuz apparently I have a drinking problem. heh).. I told him straight up, when he bitched out and broke up with me -after- I left, I actually got bad. Really bad. Not just staying trashed all the time, not just smoking the mary j, not even just doing painkillers (which I do legit need to make it through work).. Other stuff. Yep. I didn't go so far as to tell him exactly what I'd been doing, I just said that it all went downhill after he broke up with me.

Apparently he's with someone new, too. And it's someone he'd already known before me.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Jay got mad cuz I mentioned him Saturday night. We were kinda drunk already, but I was furious. Like, livid wicked. I nearly left. I don't know where I would've gone, but I was ready to walk out. It was kinda bad.

IDK.. I can't even think straight at this point. There's so much going on, so much that needs to be done. It's pretty ridiculous. I pulled my calf muscle somehow and it hurts like a mother.

Jay's supposed to do a tattoo tonight. I'm itching to get one now. I just want a P. Somewhere where it wont get effed off if I gain or lose weight. What trips me out is that this fool is a lefty like me, but he writes with his wrist bent so that his fingers are upside-down-ish.. .You know, typical lefty. But he can draw. And do tattoos. And he's actually -really- good at it.

Anywho.. I guess I'm off to chop veggies for this vegetable beef soup I'm making for dinner before I force myself to start cleaning. Ugh.