Small Girl, Big Life

I can't say that I'm heartbroken. Because I guess, deep down, that's something I've always been - regardless of any situation in my life.

While my older brother and sister at least consistently had my mom around and my dad home more than he ever was with me,

I didn't really get that.

My brother and sister got to see my dad race back when he raced Sprint Cars. All I get are stories of all that.

By the time I came around, my parents were just ... Too old. And too unavailable. Sure, my dad took us all to Disney World - 2x, and sure he'd let me skip school when he was home from the truck so that we could hang out. But even so, he was always working, my mom was always working, and I was left in the care of .... My brother mostly (after my sister went away to college).

Not to mention when my mom got her CDL and jumped in the truck with my dad, I lived with.... 8 different people/families in 2 years before I moved in with my older sister. I might as well have been a foster kid.

I moved back in with my parents -twice- at their request after high school. And there's a lot that they'll never know about me - or my brother. Like how he used to try to use me to get free drugs or all the shit I went through in Phoenix with my ex. My dad's actually told me that he doesn't want to know - it's in the past now. It's over. And he's right.

So, as everyone knows, my dad asked me to move to Texas with them for a few months to help out and "get my shit straight" as my dad says.
When I got a job, I had almost $1,000 saved up to fix my license. The dog died. $700 of that ended up going towards her vet bills and to have her cremated. The other $300, my mom gambled away at the casino.

My dad had the nerve to bitch at me about how I really wasn't helping them, and when I mentioned that I'd given them everything I'd made -everyday-, he flipped his shit quick and got super angry.

Let's not forget his snarky comments about "I see why Francisco left your ass". I normally never argue or talk back to my dad, but he pushed about 5 too many buttons way too quickly.

I'm the only one of us kids who calls them regularly. I'm -definitely- the only one of us kids who could or would move 800 miles away from home to help take care of -them-. And I'm most certainly the only one of us who's -ever- made an attempt to pay back some of the money my dad bitches about us owing.

My mom would always cry and apologize for not being there for me to raise me like she should have and all this shit and I'd always tell her it's fine. It is what it is, you can't change the past. You made your choice. I'm as ok as I can be. I didn't mention that it's because of no help from them really.

I'm not close to my siblings. I haven't spoken to my brother in probably 2 years on the phone and haven't seen him face-to-face in an even longer time span than that. He sent my mom some kind of text about how he's "shocked and impressed" that I was able to move out there and contribute money to them. Like, undermining my abilities and my "weight" in the family.

And my sister and I used to be BFFs.. We always hung out, get drunk, laugh, listen to our songs to each other, etc. She's done a complete 180 and she's not that person anymore. She's got this whole God-Complex thing going on where she thinks she's better than everyone else now. I've even texted her and invited her to come hang out with me, just the 2 of us - drink wine, have appetizers, play board games (maybe smoke some pot) - just like we used to. And she simply ignores me.

But I digress. As I'm sure I've posted before, the Straw That Broke The Camel's Back was after I was fired from LongHorn, and just after Jay had left to go back to Clarksville. He made all these insults about how I was always late, my shirt and apron were always dirty (which isn't true -at all-. My apron, yeah, but my shirts were bleached and ironed everyday - I can't help that the fabric in my fav shirt wrinkled easily) and I can't keep a job, blah blah blah.

I lost my ever loving mind at that. Sure, my employee Eval was shitty as all get out, but the one thing my GM said to me was that he could always count on me to show up on time, if not early, and he could always count on me to work straight through if I was needed, and that yes, though my shirt -would- look great in the mornings, I had a nasty habit of getting it dirty by dinner. Oh and he also said that I was always polite and respectful, but he considered that "shady" 'cuz he couldn't read me (I might be a bubbly person, but that doesn't mean you -know- me like that). But no. My dad wouldn't hear any of it.

There's more he said that was extremely hurtful, I just can't remember any of it now. But let's just say, I was crying for 3 hours or more, and that was what triggered Jay to come and pick me up that following Saturday to bring me back to Nashville.

I didn't even have food in the little house I was staying in. I refused to go outside, I refused to ask my mom for anything. I didn't eat for like 4 days. I stayed in bed crying.

So the night before I left, my mom bought me a bottle of wine and said that my dad wanted to see me since it's my last night. We just kind of pretended like our argument never happened, until he made a comment about not liking my decision, but it's my life, my choice.

..... When I was ready to leave, he wouldn't even get up to say good-bye. He barely rolled over, gave me a hug, and said "I'll probably never see you again" - hinting that he'll be dead soon, thus trying to make me feel bad.

So after we made it back to Clarksville, my mom texted and told me to make sure I call every week to talk.

That worked for about 3 weeks or so, and now, she doesn't answer when I call. I tried calling her after Jay was in the hospital - which she -did- answer and we talked for awhile, but I assume she just hung up on me 'cuz I know they get signal there in Shitsville. That was like a month ago. I've tried calling several times and never does she answer.

I called on Mother's Day - Jay & I were going to send her flowers & a box of Godiva chocolates (her favorite), but she didn't answer. I sent her a text, and reminded her of what she told me. She simply said "Will Call Later!" - and never did.

And I just tried to call her today, and again, the same thing - no answer.
So I texted her and told her I won't be calling again since she can't be bothered with me.

And no it's not like they're busy. They're retired. My mom does accounting for the guy who owns the shop and some dispatch and handles the drivers and goes to the store - she always has her phone on her.

What gets me is the fact that she got all teary eyed and was all "I'm so sorry for leaving you! I should've never gone in the truck with your dad!" blah blah blah and acted like she was dead set on making it right.

Sorry lady. No, I never blamed them for anything. I still think it's incredibly sweet that my dad wanted my mom in the truck with him like that and they were successful at it for so many years, but the fact is, I am who I am now because I've had to figure out everything for myself.

What really got me was when my Dad told me that I know -nothing- about Life. If I know nothing about Life, then why am I -still- the only one of us kids who gives a shit? When my brother was in Vanderbilt Burn Center, I was the first one there - and I was there as much as they would allow me. His wife didn't even get there until 2 days later. . My sister never even visited and my parents were too far away. The accident my brother was in that killed 2 kids in the other car - I was the 1st one in my dad's F350 that morning.

When my parents gave me their Ford Explorer, I gave my big brother the Toyota Tercel that my sister had given me.

And yet, my Dad says I know nothing about Life. I'm the only person that's consistently been there for anyone in my immediate family.

What bothers me is that my Dad is always like "Make things right with your sister and brother" - and I've tried. To no avail. I always try to stay in touch with my parents. And now my mom just doesn't answer the phone.

Like why is it Jay's mom - anytime they call each other, she asks to speak to me and she always says "I love you, Jamie"? I haven't even met her face-to-face. I feel like I'm closer to his family than I am my own. And while it's great and awesome that they're so receptive and sweet, it just hurts that my own parents can't be like that with me.