Small Girl, Big Life

This is actually hard for me to talk about.

I had an abortion.

I've actually had 2.

The first one happened during a very difficult time in my life, and yes, I will be woman enough to admit, I don't know who the father was - though there were only 2 possible choices. No I never cheated on my ex or anything like that, but he's the one that paid for it.

I actually didn't feel bad about that one. I found out I was pregnant early on and was able to take the medication to end the pregnancy. I was only like 3 weeks.

This time, was different. I had to wait. And wait some more for Jay to get paid.

Why did I choose abortion this time? Because we weren't ready - at all. The child that I already have is my Life and she's my main focus. How dare I get pregnant with another baby when -she- doesn't even live with me? Not to mention we're not financially stable for a baby of any sort.

And no, adoption was and never will be an option.

I don't care if I get a lot of "hate" messages telling me I'm a horrible person.

I know I am. This time around, I saw it. I did the medicinal abortion (misoprostol) in my home which induced the contractions and the abortion. I saw the baby. I scooped it up as gently as I could and I held its hand - yes there was one - and I buried it.

Either way, this is something that's hurt me a lot and caused me a lot of grief. I know I'm an awful person for it.