The Final Voyage of the Liquid Sky

It's been awhile since my last update, mainly due to the lack of positivity the past few months and I felt like I was being whiny. Anyway, seemed like everything kinda bottomed out and stayed the same for awhile, so I assumed things could only go up, but as I started to feel a glimmer of hope...tragedy struck.

The closest person to a mother I ever had, my paternal-grandmother, passed away VERY unexpectedly on April 19. The day she died, I drove to her house when my sister asked me to come up. She told me my grandma was feeling real sick to her stomach and that I should go get my cousin to come to her house (my cousin and her husband own a house near where we live, but only came over occasionally) since she was a nurse. On the way there, my sister and I joked that it would just be indigestion due to her eating an odd mix of chili and prunes. I even joked with my grandma about it and said I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal...

So I dropped them off and headed back to my house, not thinking much of it. About an hour or two later, we get a call saying they took her to the hospital and that they'd call when they got there, I still didn't really think of it, she tended to go to the hospital for pretty much any issue. Not long after...I get a call saying we needed to hurry to the hospital because she might not make it. So I take off and fly the 13 miles of backwoods, country roads to get there in time...only to have my sister meet me and my dad in the parking lot with the bad news...

Seeing everyone's reactions in the hospital was one of the worst moments in my life, I was really too much in shock to react for awhile (until I broke down and had to go outside during the visitation the day before the funeral). I volunteered to be the one to tell a few family members as well...which wasn't too pleasant either, but I wanted to be the one to do it...I felt like she would be the one to do such things in any other situation...so I wanted to try to help fill her shoes.

Anyway, the funeral came and went, myself being one of the pallbearers. Things are just...not good around here. It used to be my sister and asshole uncle living with my grandma, and me living with my father. My aunt, uncle and their kids lived about 9 miles away, two great uncle that live right down the road (one of which I'm not on speaking terms with due to him being a cheat and complete asshole to everyone, the other is a thief) and everyone else about 90 miles away. My sister recently moved near my distant family and my aunt and uncle's family are soon moving even further.

I feel almost completely alone, I've never had friends outside of school due to living faaar out in the country. I've never been close to my dad and I've explained the rest. If you've kept up with my other blogs, you'd understand the rest of the situation, being broke and 12 miles from the nearest town. I mentioned earlier that 2013 was turning out to be a really shitty year...and my instincts were correct lol. Anyway, haven't exactly been in a good headspace, if you know what I mean :V

Recently fell back into an old addiction, I've quit again, but **** if I don't just fall off the wagon at any moment. Hopefully I have made enough preparations to never do so again. I've more or less lost all interest in any dream or goal I've had, so I'm stuck wondering wtf to do with myself. Nothing seems like an answer at this point. Here's hoping something makes sense.

As for the positive side of things, I'm dating one of those girls I think I told you about. Things are kinda questionable, but I think I'm just being overly paranoid...especially since I'm pretty sure I'm borderline schizophrenic >_> constant paranoia and anxiety, hallucinating sirens and alarms, irrational fits of anger (not expressing it or exploding, but just being easily pissed off or annoyed). It's causing me to lose friends at an alarming rate...I think. I've been rather distant and depressed, so I've been avoiding talking to people, and they've returned the favor.

I'm not at all looking for pity or feeling sorry for myself, I recognize all my problems and faults are my own doing, but I'm still rather confused as to the what the answers are. But I suppose things can only get better, so I'll just do what I do best and wait.

In the mean time, I've discovered a lot of great musical groups. I'm REALLY wanting to form a progressive bluegrass/folk/jazz band...but it's hard enough finding people that like anything I like, let alone musicians...but I never expected anything else, I like some obscure shit.



...I'm still not sure why I even post this stuff, it's almost cathartic to write it down, but at the same time, I feel like I'm just being all whiny and shit...maybe I should start a private journal or some shit.