The struggle over the tyranny of my world

The only problem with living an almost only nightlife (by that, i mean living in the night, opposed to day. I dont party. Do you even know me?) is that i cant use my good mood to its fullest. Right now, given less silent required circumstances, i would be singing. Yeah, today im happy. Why?

I met with my fangirl today, finally. A few days ago she messaged me telling me how she feels right now. Ive read over those messages many times. Answered many questions, she did. Im not entirely sure if she knew they were being asked. She's screwed up and i make her feel less broken. I dont entirely know how to tell her how i feel. I will, but.. ive wanted to do it in person, really. When i saw her today, she had friends that she'd just made for the mostpart. Oh, i met her at the tafe she's just started at. Kind of like old days, really, but im not waiting out on her all day this time. I just need to wake up early and go see her at lunch time, then either go home and sleep (i picked that option today) or find something to do till work. I only see her for about half an hour, but ill take it. Damn, i miss her so much. Im going next week too.

I dont know if ive ever said this before excluding the fact that i know how my depression works. I lack purpose and that is what gives me strength and motivation. She gives me that. More than that, though. I love the fact that she actively tries to be different. I do it as well, but I fail, somewhat. She just brings me joy. Ive been thinking of asking my friend im moving in with how much she'll be allowed to stay. I know right now thats incredibly unlikely, but she needs to get out of her house. She's actually become a nightwalker, like myself so it should fit all of us pretty well. I dont think she'll accept though. Im getting more work now, and i can probably provide for both of us till she gets a job. Eh, dreams. And she's also put on a little weight, but her beauty still shines through it. Especially her smile. God, she hates it, but i.. ill never forget that. She has two, generally. Both seem true enough, as ive been around her long enough to know when she's faking it.

Although some of what she said has brought some thoughts around her only coming back to me because im the only one left, but i dont think so really. Its just doubt, likely. I generally have a lot of that.

Im finding myself planning things im pretty sure she'll want to do, we only need the chance to do them. But the only way she can really leave her house right now is to lie her way out. It makes both of us uncomfortable, because if she gets caught, bad things will definitely happen. Maybe occasionally seeing her now might be alright, but i guess we'll have to see.

Ive been looking for a song that describes how i feel. This is how i waste time. Yeah, music is kind of a big deal. guess ill try while i write this. I got nowhere an hour ago.

Apart from everything ive said, she looks healthy, at least. More healthy than i am. I let a little slip accidently.. But it doesnt really matter. Im generally fine.

We definitely need more time together. That much i know. Am i obsessed? Ive been... hesitant because ive thought that i am. Im less worried about what people think nowadays.. But i have noone to talk to. I dont trust anyone anymore. I bore them, i know. But i dont think i bore her. And she, being her is always amusing. We have so much to catch on.

Ive stopped at sick puppies. This was my favorite band for a long time around 2 years ago.

Oh, ive found something that describes how i feel quite accurately, but i feel its too obvious. And... apparently it was deleted off my computer. Lucky theres this thing called youtube.

'Sleeping the day away again
And all i ever dream about is you and me
And what i feel inside of me
Here i go, in love again
And oh god help me please if i can make you see
If i could just make you believe
How am i gonna make you see?

I write your name across the sky
Its something i cant hide
I write your name across my mind
in my heart that beats inside'

Ive been thinking about how much my music collection has changed over these past few years. Its actually changed quite a bit. Actually, ive thought of a good challenge for her. Well, more, maybe give her an insight on the above. I wonder if she likes most of my new music. One way to find out

-sighs- this week is going to be the dullest thing ever. I might try and see whats going on with all this house stuff asap. Likely later in the week, rather than earlier. I have the whole week free, really. This weeks pay wont be anything special, as im working sunday (which goes into next weeks pay) but next week's should be a 4-5 dayer, which could net me 400ish? In time for motion city soundtrack.