The struggle over the tyranny of my world

Not exactly having the greatest day. Contemplating breaking many things. Id list off everything, but its all minor. Just... people...

Work was incredibly tiring for once. Not sure if it was just me being crappy, or the fact that i woke up an hour before starting a 5pm shift. The shift itself wasnt too bad.. really. Apparently we actually have a christmas breakup this year, which is likely to fail like the last 2 years. Noone really has any good ideas, and the boss likes things that noone else does, so we dont really come to a conclusion of doing anything. Personally, i dont really care that much.

Google isnt working at the moment. Failure on their part? Not sure.

I also couldnt get her out of my head all night. Every thought was pretty much owned by my fangirl. I worry about her, then wonder if its really worth worrying, since nothing appears to be wrong, then i think of all the things that was wrong with her father before, then start to think that if she really knew what i was thinking, would she back off from me? I really hope not.. she'll find out eventually. Im not some crazy stalker, i guess. Maybe a little.. But still, that makes me think of a song i heard before..

'Welcome to a world where the air I breathe is mine
Nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Be anyone, do anything I'd ever want to try
Time doesn't exist here, I will never die'

So, a step in my world would give a general entry point to how i work?

Well, theres a lot of worry when it comes to her, but thats granted by how i feel. Excluding that, i worry very little. My life is a relaxed state that nothing can really change. My mind works on thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Its one of the reasons that when i get anxiety its so bad. Offtopic.

I wonder what i can do personally a lot. What is worth my time? If its not worth my time, i do nothing. Nothing, being sit here and mainly either ponder why people dont reply to me, or gaming. Whatever is less depressing. Funnily enough, thats the former currently. I still havent really come to a conclusion on what i should be doing in this life. Working for money.. not important. I value my own standards of living very low on priorities. Money to me only has reason when im spending it on someone else. I do buy things for me when i feel i need them, but thats very impulsive on its own. And, my own doubt leads me astray a lot. Theres something that im very big on. Doubt. I doubt every action that anyone else would take normally. When i have confidence, im a force to be reckoned with. Depending on the action, i guess. But i doubt a lot. It something that holds me back from compliments, which i guess would lead people to believe that i think highly of myself compared to others. I guess i do in a way, but irrelevant. Im also not a huggy person. People seem to give hugs out all the time and i feel i cant unless its someone im particularly close with. This wouldnt really be a problem, but when people go to hug me, its always an awkward moment id rather avoid. Depends on confidence really.

Confidence is like my current job. Since i feel i know everything there is to know there, I can do anything on my own. Which i can do normally, it doesnt take long. When people second guess me, i tell them to proove it. Granted, i change if they are right. Thats not important though. It gives me time to ponder. Topics including game design and fangirl.

Any other place im rather limited to only being accompanied by 3 others at most. And even thats pushing it. Why? I feel that what i say is unimportant, therefore barely say anything. When someone talks over me and im not heard? Less important. Snowball effect till i no longer care and leave. I have issues.

I also dont really have much to say to people these days. But i cant live without people. Yet i dont know what to do when it comes to talking. Conversation is just generally hard if im not with someone thats pro-active about it. Since my interests are rather limited (when you only count ones that are possible for the conversant to be interested in), its like... eh. Talk about gaming? Wins occasionally. What else is there? I could complain about things. Could go on forever. Recent news works, till i realize i really dont do anything. Then i go on to fake knowing what they are talking about. Yeah, i could do without people. Was never like that with the fangirl though. She's the best example of someone that i could talk forever about everything to, but she's still invisible atm.

Oh, all this? This is the circle that i usually go from. I know ive described a lot in there, but i go through that every 10minutes or so when im not distracted. Sometimes i focus on more important things, like game design and such, but thats the main circle.

I almost clicked the x for this tab when swapping back... That would have just ruined my day.

And after all this not being able to talk to people, i find myself to depressed to be on my own for large amounts of time, which happens anyways. Yet i either cant talk to people long because if we arnt doing anything direct they lose interest and leave me alone. Or dont respond. Or i doubt talking to them at all, as noone wants to talk to me.

For a while, my solution to this was to recruit many online friends. Worked for a bit in the past. One of my closest(?) friends is merely an internet friend. But they dont really do it for me overall.

Contemplating what to do with my life...

I could work more, but i dont really enjoy it enough to really focus on it. And money will not buy me happiness, only relief from the world.
Could game more, but i dont particularly like any type of genre of game that isnt an mmo. I mean, i play fps atm for research, but I hate going into a game and realising that its only going to last 10-20 hours. Which leaves mmos, which i really hate simply because the online community is terrible. It really is. The competitive scene is attracting me a little, but the only games i currently play require teams. Teams require people. I dislike people.
Could search for other hobbies. I mean, i do like things. I like seeing movies. I like exploring. I like seeing things of importance, especially areas of the past. (i dont actually think that the past is important or anything, but i do like doing things others have done. So yeah, physical activity. Scary thought, ay?). I really like anything i can do with people. Without people, everything here just lost interest. The only thing i could really continue with without the need for people is gaming/game design. Or something to do while i have time to literally waste, like i did when my fangirl was at tafe, explore.

People always say what they aim for. I aim to make life better for someone in particular. That is probably a problem without her in my life. Hence, the stasis right now. I really cant think of any other aim to aim for. Nothing appeals. Music maybe, but thats only a reason to show off to her. I know she loves music as much as i do. Probably way more.

God i have problems with my mentality. I know it. Thats why i dont care when people lecture me. I know my problems exist, but they have potential to be the best things in my life half the time, with a change of circumstance. So i sit back waiting for that. Its the way ive always been. So if you've always thought that patience was a virtue, it can be taken too far. Guess im proof of that.
This has been my longest post in over a year. You better be partying... Because i have streamers.