The struggle over the tyranny of my world

To some people, something this small would make me seem like a coward. But i braved her tumblr today, for the first time in ages. Its been a few days since ive heard from her, and last time she just vanished. This time, im not really worried, but i do want to talk to her.

And now even more i guess. In a way, i feel so sad that ive let her be alone all this time. I know its not my fault at all, but.. I just do. I did it partly because i wanted to know the exact date of her birthday, as i knew it was the week she first messaged me again, but also i just wanted to know if it was the fact that she just didnt have access to a computer or not. And now i know it was that exact day. Im remembering everything really suddenly. Memories of how i felt. How in reality, i still probably do feel for her. I remember swearing to myself that i would take her sorrow away, even at my own expence. Well, i failed that. Probably really badly too. I didnt go back too far reading, though i went a ways. She facinates me, and the only parts of her i really dont like are the parts which cause herself harm.

She was supposed to be online today to talk, but she left so suddenly last time. She'll be back when she can, i know, so i shouldnt worry. I wonder if she has had a similar fear in regard to me posting on here. Sometimes its just best not to know what someones feeling at some particular time, as i can see it being so easy to react in a negetive way. I went through all this recently with someone who felt the need to 'check' on their boyfriend's text messages and stuff, in a defence against doing it. But either way.. I guess i just want to know if i have my friend back. There were too many good times. Probably the happiest time in my life, so far, meeting her. Urgh, i shouldnt talk about it so much, but itll be all thats on my mind today, since im expecting her to come online some time.

Back to pokemon i go ^

EDIT:
Actually, i thought of something else, and i came back. But at the same time, ive forgotten. I think..
-thinks for a bit-
Ive gone back into the routine of sleeping to MCR every night. My laptop always dies on the same song, the one that brought back a lot of memories. I dont love you - MCR