The struggle over the tyranny of my world

So i did end up going, today. From an annoying 9am wake up to get there at 12 and then training till whenever. Went to a few spots id never been to before and it ended up being ok. I guess you could say i had fun till the spaz in me stopped pretending and the anxiety came back. After that i guess i just left, though that was still late enough to get me home at 8pm. I didnt really train all that much, im just not the training type, or at least, not with so many people there. I dont know, im just not good in crowds. When its just the small group i know i used to lead them a little, and get strength and conditioning exercises going myself and stuff. Im decent at encouraging people, but im not entirely suited to the role of helping people in this. Wouldnt take much effort to learn and be able to, but its not high in my priorities, really.

My anxiety really got out of control today. It really did. When i said i ende dup leaving, i probably left it a little too late. I almost couldnt stand waiting for my train to arrive, and the trip itself was terrible. Its made worse somewhat since i dont have my phone anymore. Oh, yeah. Im so good at things now that i ended up chucking my phone in the washing machine with my clothes. I almost cried till i realised that noone calls or messages me anyways. Then i cried a bit when i realised that was my music source. I havent really started off the month that well, i guess.

My parents arnt home tonight. No idea why, they just arnt. Not really a problem for me, but i still wonder about it i guess. At least i can play music and stuff to myself, but it gets old. I feel no more alone than i do when they are here.

Still havent heard from her and cant really vent on anyone. Demons cares, but he has too much on the agenda to be around for me, not that i expect it. But im glad that he respects my decision to talk to her, even though he blamed our friendship on that last time. 'If she makes you as happy as she did last time, i wish you the best. She made you happier than ive ever seen you, and you deserve that'. Urgh. I really dont have enough to do, or at least... cant do enough to get my mind off things. I can focus entirely on something if i force myself to, but that really doesnt last that long unless its something like driving. And even then.. Im completely content waiting for her to get her act together and find get internet or something to contact me, but this anxiety is hell. Well, when it gets that high. Im alright at the moment, with music.

Oh, i was offered my old job back at thai (kind of). Ill now be washing dishes (i dont have music for it -.-) every monday and tuesday for them, which isnt really that bad. You get to keep to yourself and just zone in the music all night. Especially on mondays and tuesday, its just easy. Chill and talk and listen to music and get payed for it. Seems great. I do need the money.

Hell i miss that fangirl.