The struggle over the tyranny of my world

Couldnt think of a title, but im really addicted to this song at the moment. It somewhat describes my feelings at someone long lost.

'I know that im dying right now and it seems like im too far gone'

But whatever, right?

Ive been listening to a lot of music lately again. Its good in a way, and bad in anouther. I believe ive mentioned before that music takes a lot of influence in my life. Maybe not in the lyrics, but in the way that the particular song makes me feel. Part of me inside wants to cry until i cant anymore, and the other half craves destruction. Its only really been getting to me lately. Its not like im going to act on it in the near future, but i can tell that i cannot hold my anger inside me forever. But that is an explosion for later. Someone will push me too far. Oh, that poor soul.

However, destruction is more aimed at our society. I really do not like how everything works, and people reactions to it. Its not obvious to others, but heres how i see things. There are a few types of people. The ones like myself, who see the human existance as a broken mess of people struggling for their own power, blaming others for their own failures and those holding onto whats being taken from them. Theres also the rare few content players of this game.. Others also see it negetively, and believe that since the world is a such a struggle, you must cheat in every play you can in order to get ahead, or at least to stay with the pack. And some see the world perfect as it is, content to sheep through and decay to nothing blindly. None of these are by any means wrong or correct, or are the sole visions others have, but it still bothers me somewhat. The former is somewhat my own, i guess.

I dream of rebellion. I dont see the world as a fair place. And by choice, i would purge the world of the people who plague it. Of course, this isnt really an ideal solution till and end game is actually put forward, which i dont have. I dont know if this makes me as evil as most of the villans you see on tv shows, but i believe this is probably almost the only answer. And i have thought on this a lot, with no reasonable reason that the human race itself could change without causing (and holding) global fear for the rest of eternity, which i feel is even less humane. But really, i dont care about what is and isnt humane. Just, what will end right. I believe that i personally am not able to reach these goals, otherwise i would be motivated, so i care, but make no progress to a solution.

My ex is starting to nag me for money. She did pay a few months rent and bills while we were both living there, so i apparently owe her about $700-$800 or something. I guess i feel its reasonable, because some part of me feels like paying her back, but in anouther mind, i really dont have to. The moment she gives me my stuff back, i will sever all forms of contact, and become completely uncontactable by her. Effectively, i dont really need to give her anything. And she was also living with me for most of that time. But i still have honor, and will live by that. In the same mind, i expect my old housemates to give back my bond which they owe me, since they didnt legally put it through the real estate for the lease, so i guess i know how the helplessness is. Gees, these last 6 months have been a real waste.

Im missing most of my music after stealing it back off my ex's computer. I dont know what she's done to it... but its not all there, and that includes some of my favorites. I dont really wish to see her long enough to get it back. Its replacable in the long term, but incredibly annoying.

Aerideyn and i talked about our game plans (HA, expected more? I THINK NOT! Actually, it wasnt really that important. A little boring stuff and others that are better shown than told).

I miss you, nowhere kid. Though i feel that name fits me more than it should fit you, as my plans are which to continue my lonely existance.

'Im here again, a thousand miles away from you
a broken mess, just scattered pieces of who i am
ive tried so hard, thought i could do this on my own
ive lost so much along the way..

Then i see you're face, and i know im finally yours
and i find everything i thought i lost before
you call my name, i come to you in pieces,
so you can make me whole'