The struggle over the tyranny of my world

Eh, i hate trying to think up a name for every post. Its getting quite annoying. Like... what do i call this next one? Bob? Done.

Ive spent a lot of time over the last few days thinking about myself and who i am. I guess some of it comes from thinking about my true purpose. But no matter how far i go into this, there really is no career or job that appeals to me in the long run. Well, something to show of, anyways. I guess thats really lead me away from caring about what job i actually have. Like.. there are things i definately wouldnt mind, but that doesnt mean im making them a priority in any way.

The conclusions i came to though...

I believe part of my greater purpose is to help people. Not as in.. 'the world' people, but the few people that i keep around me. Those that come and ask for it will probably get it. I realise that no matter how depressed i am, the only people i really bring down are those that want to 'fix' me. They suffer, whereas those broken that i can help seem to think highly of me. This goes against most of my findings in that those in a down tend to bring others with them, if care isnt applied. I dont really think much on it, to be honest. I like knowing i can help them, and like doing it. But i do worry that in the end ill be left alone. Maybe thats part of everything.. I dont know. But then at the same time i have a large hatred for people. Im not one of those that will spit at you on the street, or someone who will shout insults at you, quite the opposite. But.. I just dislike the population You are a bunch of complete douchebags who only care for yourself. Yeah, i said it. Though that doesnt apply to everyone here. Though i only really talk to Leon and my fangirl here, i still respect you all. A few of you i think rather highly of, but you'll never know that now, as im pretty silent here.

I have classed myself as perceptively evil. Though that doesnt mean i am at all. If i could change this world, it would be for the better of humanity, not for my own greed. But at the same time, i would take rather.. low paths to do that if i thought it would matter/i could actually make some difference. Or maybe i wouldnt. I think i lack most of the care i had when i thought up all my ideas. Actually, thats probably true. Rambling..

Oh, i meant to look up a few checks on my mental health.

-time passes-

I show 11/12 symptoms of depression. So i am definately depressed, but thats not really a big sign.

I also got these from an alcoholic screening quiz..

You answered 6 items out of 20 Yes.

Your score is 30%. According to the Office of Health Care Programs, Johns Hopkins University Hospital, developers of this screening quiz, if you answered 3 of these questions with a Yes it is a definite sign that your drinking patterns are harmful and possibly considered alcohol dependent or alcoholic. You may want to seek an evaluation by a healthcare professional.

It actually wasnt what i thought, really. I dont really view drinking as a problem, I merely drink a lot, often, while alone to escape the large amount of nothing that i am. I dont really see it as a problem though, at the moment. I see problems with alcohol regard violence, stupidity, harm to one's work and the like.. none of which i do, really. And im one of those people that will never really say 'i did this because i was drunk', since i dont really believe alcohol is reasoning for anything excluding physical bodily function. Though i guess everyone gets a different effect..

I applied to work at a restaurant in the main high end casino in the area. It will require me to move closer, but it is basically the best job i could possibly ask for. Its part time. It would likely pay well, or have the potential later to pay very well. It gets me away from here. Traineeship in the biggest company in hospitality in a large area around here, and whatever. Im not likely to get it, but i will put in my all.

Im getting my hair cut this week. I hate it. I hope she doesnt mind.

Her.. the fangirl. I still wonder every second what she's doing, or how she really is, or when ill finally get to see her again. Hopefully she gets a job soon, or that i can get her a job where i work. Would make a nice change having her to see occasionally. Eh, who am i kidding, nice change? Yeah, would make my life. Gahh. Occasionally i wonder if theres reason to want to hate her, you know, like some things say? They wish they could hate the one they love? Guess you know the deal. I basically laugh at my stupidity. How could i dislike someone like her? Ever? In any way? Bet she could come up with loads of answers, not that id care

-sighs- going to stop myself from going on and on. I fear a bit of what she'd think seeing me speak of her so. I dont think she reads here anymore, though. Hmm... i should check her tumblr before i sleep...

Night ^