The struggle over the tyranny of my world

'I wish you could see you're the only girl ive ever dreamed of'

Well, ive missed 2 psychologist appointments now. Its not because i think of it particularly not worth going to or anything, but.. i just dont remember it. Like its not important to me the slightest. I guess ill see how i feel about it in a few months. I dont really want someone telling me what i know i already have, or how to fix it. Theres a few things i can fix myself before then anyways.

While i stay here, at my ex's ive found i have little motivation. I wonder how moving will change things. Maybe the extra freedom will give me the time to do things. I still have thought processes going and stuff, but i havent written anything down in months. Nothing at all. I just.. i dont know. I just want to waste every second doing as little as possible. This whole.. live in distractions thing. I remember a time when i hoped things would just change, like moving to the real world where things arnt so hard.

Anxiety has gone through the roof this last week. Almost unbearably so, but its not the worst its ever been. I dont particularly think that i need music to sleep right now, though it will likely help. Apart from today (i guess ill explain that after), i just find it near impossible to live here. I cant really function. My ex harrasses me with every need ever, i cant really spend a few hours on my own with her here. Its always do this, do that, you suck. Then the occasional 'i think you're an awesome friend' or whatever. I dont want either side, tbh. Im a terrible friend, though i always think of others. Im just.. Uninteresting and i say a lot of stupid things. You guys would know that more than anyone.

She's also dating someone now. He's practically a stoner in every way exept actually smoking, apparently. But eh.. everything shouts wrong, so im worried. But wow, she really likes him, for some apparent reason. He's polite? Yeah.. thats almost creepy, the way she says he does things. Takes one i guess. But hell, im only worried. Her funeral, lol. But she is acting incredibly weird. Like... really damn weird. She was WAY too nice today. WAY WAY too nice. Not like, best friend nice. Like, here, have this. Oh I got this for you. You look sad, i got you this. That sort of weird. Makes me feel like something big has happened and im being softened up. I dont like this.

Back to me? Well, her dating someone is particularly awkward, as you can probably tell.
1. i hate people. Esp those who look like stoners. Dont have anything against them other than the fact that there will be no common interests and they discust me in most ways. So i let them be.
2. I have to TALK to someone like that? Yeah, shy, i know i wont get along, nothing to talk about, w/e. Bad.
3. Someone dating my ex. Yeah, shout massive alarm bells at dont force communication between these two.
4. Massive bursts of anxiety.
But yeah, its been done. Hated every second. Decided to zone to music/LoL pretty much the whole night. Made me seem rude and stuff. But eh, w/e.

Anxiety is locking me up. Right now, i cant really do anything, tbh. No attention span to play games, browse reddit, learn web design, go to sleep. All out of the question. Noones around to talk either, which is unfortunate.

Guess i need to just bear till saturday when she leaves, so im alone for ages. Might be somewhat comforting. I hope, at least. But then when she gets back i need to leave, which in a way, i cant stay here either way. I cant do living with her and having a boyfriend come round.
Which reminds me, people being and acting happy? Yeah, that sort of stuff pisses me right off. Comes with being depressed for so long i guess. But, yeah, more than that. It disgusts me somewhat. Ive been content a lot, but ive only really been happy for a short period of time. Its wrong, i know, but i cant really help it. God i suck, but at least the damage is only self inflicted. I try my best to not let others get involved, or at least effect them negatively.

Fangirl has started messaging me pretty often. Almost daily. It brings a lot of comfort at this time. Just mere messages isnt really enough to keep me calm, but its helping. But i havent seen her in 3 weeks now. Holidays and stuff.. I miss her so much. But even that... Im so scared. I really rely on her so much. She's like.. my anchor at the moment. She indirectly brings me out of anxiety. Well, thoughts of her do. Hope. Hope for things to be better. The only real memories of happiness do it, and all of those were spent with her. But.. I love her so much. Completely infatuated. Cant help it, and i kind of dont want to. I like how i feel. But im scared she can never feel the same. But every part of me believes that its possible. Well, i guess thats obvious. But at the same time scared. So scared. But oddly enough i dont think thats causing this anxiety. I dont know what is, really. I wonder all the time how wrong of me it is to think this way.

But i think ive grown a little. I think, anyways. I think i can live with her merely around, even though ill always want her. But.. We havent even been able to spend that much time together. Im not particularly complaining or anything, because i love the hour we get together per week (most weeks). But yeah, there are so many things i can do with her because she'd enjoy doing those things that i cant alone. Her interests interest me. Not all of them, but most do.

But yeah, im so damn scared. All the time. What if i lose her. What if i dont get money? What if i just crash and i cant fend for myself anymore? What if everything goes wrong, like it always does? Ive felt helpless for so long, that any risk seems to feel so much. But im at breaking point in moving out. I think thats what the anxiety is. It feels like its such a big risk. People just want to screw you over, all the time. They are never in for the random person. Quite the opposite. And im so vulnerable. I know what to do. Im technically grown up enough to know everything i need. But when it comes to people.. I just cant. I think thats it. And for that reason, i think that the month spent alone will be torture, until i do actually move out.

Eh, you guys probably dont come here to read that.

Actually, does anyone really read this? Actually, i dont really care. Its probably better that im just writing to myself, which is what i do anyways.

Just looked up some rental places where i want to live. Its.. kind of expensive, but im going to see if i can find an apartment for now. Aer said he'd want to move in with me, but i dont think he's entirely ready for that right now, and i kind of need to get out within a month. So a monthly apartment lease will have to do me i guess. Problem is, i dont really know who to talk to anymore. No one really feels like.. They have valuble input anymore. No more valuble than my own, i mean. And anyone who does has left. And i dont chase people. Im here for whoever wants me. I will be toxic to noone else if i have my way.

I thought the other day.. About what would happen when i get my own website up and running. Im extremely reluctant to leave this place. Ive been with you guys for over 3 years now? I think. So i dont really want to. Eh, im always thinking of what everyone else would think.

Im still a long way away from being able to do what i want though. Id really like to learn enough that i can earn money from it for furniture or something, since ill really lack that for a while.

I dont know why, but that reminded me of a requestsomeone made to me about computers. Hell, i dont know much about them.. but anything i can do.. But there, spend 20minutes finding stuff for him, but nothing really concrete. Not my best, but i guess ill do more later. Writing seems to keep my mind off things. Yeah, all that useless gibberish does help somewhat.

Im hoping i dont get screwed over being woken up early in the morning to do car stuff... I dont particularly feel tired, but i will crash eventually. Crash and burn, lol. Just hope it doesnt happen before tuesday next week.. after i see my fangirl.

I havent died yet! Now to shower then find something else to do, or something to complain to about my life! Yay!